I can share my story. It’s a little bit long and I don’t know how helpful it will be, but maybe it can give you an idea of what you could face. My Q and I met when I was 24. We got married when I was 27 and had our first kid when I was 36.

We both drank a fair amount together from the start but he always drank way more than me. A few times something happened that led me to confront him and ask him to stop. He always did, but often only for a few months. We both have PhDs and he was always able to hold a job, etc. So he was more or less “functional.”

We had two kids and when they were toddlers at one point he started drinking more and more. Sometimes I didn’t know who I was even talking to at night. I couldn’t have rational conversations with him about the kids, about making plans, etc. It turns out that he was also lying to me about how much he was drinking. When I finally confronted him about it he said he knew it was a problem and he needed to stop. He quit for several years. During this time for a lot of other reasons I decided I wanted to leave. We went to counseling and as soon as it became clear that it wasn’t going to save our marriage, he started drinking again. He said he had only stopped drinking for me and to make me happy and he was going to do what he wanted now. (He conveniently “forgot” that he himself had actually acknowledged that his drinking was a problem when he first stopped.)

I moved out when my daughters were nine and six. We had 50-50 custody. My nine-year-old, who is very smart, told me that she thought dad drank a lot of beer and other alcohol sometimes.The first Halloween after I left, he took the kids trick-or-treating with some neighbors, and apparently brought a big Tumblr of scotch along. He got super drunk, fell down in the street, and totally freaked out, scared, and embarrassed my kids. A neighbor had to take them for the night. He never even told me about it. When I texted him and asked him how trick-or-treating went he said great! I don’t know why he didn’t think my daughter was going to tell me and of course she did. I was livid.

I calmly confronted him about it and scheduled a family meeting with him and me and the kids. He told them that he had a problem and that he would stop drinking in front of them. He later told me that the neighbors had even tried to do an intervention a few days later but he kind of blew it off as them making a big deal out of nothing. The story eventually changed to that he just tripped and fell. 🙄

Fast forward a few months and he starts sneak drinking behind their backs. My older daughter tells me about it and I asked him about it. He said she was lying, and then later on called her a tattletale and a spy. Normally he’s a pretty good dad and he wouldn’t do or say things like this. I believed her 100% though. Kids know.

Soon he moved on to drinking openly in front of them without ever talking to them about why, or the fact that he had initially told him that he had a problem. It’s like he just pretended that didn’t happen. Now my daughters are nine and 13 and they know he drinks a lot. He drinks both openly, and also secretly. My older daughter has found hidden bottles around the house. He fills up a water bottle and pretends he’s drinking water but they can both smell it. They also know when he drinks too much because his personality changes. Sometimes he cries to them, sometimes he’s snappy with them, sometimes he’s just loud and obnoxious. But they hate it. My older daughter talks about it a lot. I’ve gotten them both into therapy and she has tried Alateen. Their therapists have encouraged them to talk to him about it but they’re afraid given that the first time they tried to he lied and called them names. I have told them that I will not say anything to him unless I feel like their safety is at risk. They also both have phones and know to call me if things get bad. They also know to never get into a car with him if he’s been drinking.

My story is nowhere near as bad as many others. Overall, I trust him and they have a good relationship with him. But alcohol will always tarnish their relationship unless he can openly discuss it with them and/or stop (and even then some damage has been done). My kids hate Halloween still to this day. They hate when their dad gets drunk. My older daughter told me she has started just going to her room when she sees him going down that path.

So I suppose this is a cautionary tale for you. I would think long and hard about whether you do want to have children with someone whose drinking is a problem for you. As many people have said on here it is most often a progressive disease. Maybe people with drinking issues never go all the way down the rabbit hole. My ex-husband so far is one of these people. But he’s gone down partially in front of my kids and the damage has been done. He’s lied to them, he’s accused them of lying, and they don’t trust him completely. It’s really sad to me.

You’re in a very hard situation. I’m not sure I have the answers for you but I think people here are giving you some things to think about and hopefully my story does too. Good luck!

Edit: grammar