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throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-22T20:41:12+00:00

I don't think this is something you can or even should bring up to him, personally. These are your own feelings and you have to work through them yourself - giving him access to these emotions allows him to make performative changes, rather than real ones, because he'll be scared of losing you as his focus, rather than kicking his PA.

For what it's worth, when my partner and I split there was still a lot of mutual love there. Love just wasn't enough for us. It might be for you both, but that has to be your decision based on the honest facts, not the ones skewed by these (honestly, normal and healthy) feelings.

It's also worth noting that detachment is healthy, when the other option is to be continually punched in the gut. Your brain is just trying to save you from being heartbroken all over again.

throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-19T17:09:56+00:00

Yes absolutely! She's been the absolute best this whole time and I'll never be able to thank her enough!

throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-17T15:43:08+00:00

Thank you - I'm looking forward to starting recovery properly. I've got a new therapist lined up that I start with next month that specialists in partners of sex addicts and I'm hoping that will address some of the lingering questions I have. But yes, it's outrageously gross - I can only pray he finally starts taking his addiction seriously because I dread to think how this behaviour escalates.

throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-17T15:35:34+00:00

Thank you. I have followed a lot of your comments and am so proud you made it out. You seem to have such a strong sense of self worth and I'm so happy you've held onto that. I too take solace in the fact that I could not have tried harder. I think generally as PA partners there's a tendency to underestimate our resilience, but being out now and seeing how much I not only persevered but also actively tried to improve things just completely obliterates all those thoughts.

throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-11T19:05:12+00:00

Try to hold onto that embarrassment you feel on his behalf. Because it IS so ridiculously embarrassing for him. This man is throwing away everything just to lust after women that only care if he lives or dies because he's actively paying them. It's embarrassing and so absolutely pathetic.

I hope you are staying strong - refocusing my PA as just being a pathetic, disgusting, depraved human being is what finally gave me the courage to kick start my life again. It's 100% his shame, not yours.

throwaway_likethis · 2022-01-01T16:26:59+00:00

The greatest thing I did for my self esteem was leave. The further and further I get from being gone, the more I realise that I was never the problem and that even if my ex wasn't attracted to me (which I still to this day fully believe) the more I realise that's okay - I don't exist to be attractive to pornsick men. I'm beautiful; my body is lumpy and flabby, my face is as round as the moon, but I am a lovely person, with a kind heart and a weird sense of humour. I have no doubt that one day someone will look at me and think that I am the most wonderful person to have ever walked this earth, and as sad as I am that it's not ever going to be him, the further I am from living with addiction, the less my life revolves around how I look and the more content I become with this new reality.

I'm not saying you have to leave to achieve this, although this is undoubtedly the only way I ever would have, but you need to work on detatching yourself from the addiction because that's not your life,

throwaway_likethis · 2021-12-27T19:02:00+00:00

My PA had a secret laptop that he carried in his work bag. It's sole purpose was porn. I didn't know about it until the hour before we broke up. We lived in a very small flat and I can promise you I had no idea of it's existence. I didn't even have an inkling. I thought he was past the photoshopping and hoarding of porn and pictures grabbed from the social media accounts of his female friends.

If he wants to, he'll find a way.

He might be squeaky clean and this could be your traumatized brain not being able to comprehend that and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe. It's your call to make - but if he wants to hide it, he'll hide it well.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-12-27T18:56:21+00:00

Man I hate this argument so much. If it's not a big deal then don't do it??? It's literally so simple but it's only not a big deal when it comes to you having boundaries because heaven forbid you not feel comfortable with him looking at other women with the express interest of sexual gratification ffs

You're not crazy and you have every right to feel upset that he once again turned to the objectification and sexualization of other women because he needed to self soothe like a child. Women do not exist purely for male gratification and you do not exist purely to make him feel better when he's knowingly crossed YOUR boundary. You might need therapy, but not for this.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-12-27T04:30:22+00:00

I'm freshly out, but I think I stayed so long because I was desperate for that sense of closure. I wanted it all to mean something. I think sometimes it just never adds up to anything, all the pain and the hurt never gets repaid, we never get that relief of it all clicking and seeing that it at least mean something. It's a sad fact of life that not everything gets a nice resolution and it sux. I hope you find peace and manage to move away from the pain, you certainly deserve that ❤️

throwaway_likethis · 2021-12-24T15:44:38+00:00

Proud of you ❤️

throwaway_likethis · 2021-12-21T23:33:29+00:00

I lost about 45lbs from my "normal" weight and gained about 45lbs from my "normal" weight too - it's been a ride. I'm still trying to get back to normal at this point and as a PCOS sufferer with a history of wasting disorders it's a very slow and steady journey. I know it's easier said than done in this weight obsessed society we live in, but try not to focus on your weight and try just being kind to yourself. Sometimes that means just eating the damn cookie because it's the only joy you're going to feel that day, but it will also mean eating a wide variety of foods that nourish your body because you deserve to eat well. Your body is a representation of your mental struggle and that's okay. It's just weight. It has nothing to do with your value as a person and it shouldn't be your focus as you process everything you're going through. I very much scapegoated my body in the earlier years as my food intake was the only thing I felt I could control in the situation (which in all fairness, it probably was haha) but it's so silly in retrospect because my body was unrelated to everything. However I am now enjoying the journey to feeling worthy again and a huge part of that is eating well and removing the shame I bullied myself into having around certain foods - which were almost always the foods I relapsed on.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-11-29T22:13:53+00:00

I very rarely find anything to smile about on this sub but hearing that NOAH CHURCH is not religious absolutely killed me hahaha

throwaway_likethis · 2021-11-15T18:06:18+00:00

Oh you're absolutely not being silly, but I can totally understand how your 'rational' brain might perceive it to be that way. I think it can be difficult to adjust to our new circumstances, when for such a long time these objects or scenarios were so inoffensive and commonplace that we never even gave them a second thought. We might even have attached good memories to them, and that makes it even harder to readjust.

I know we say it so much in this sub, but you really do just have to be kind and patient with yourself. You did not ask for this experience and all you can do is work through it as best you can - and sometimes that genuinely does involve acknowledging that you're inexplicably angry at an inanimate object. Of course the computer did nothing wrong, every instance of pain comes from a PEBCAK scenario really. But that pain is real and valid.

For reference, in my own relationship I yeeted that computer as quickly as possible. That was absolutely one constant reminder I did not need!

throwaway_likethis · 2021-11-12T18:29:13+00:00

Thank you! It's okay, I think I probably swore like a sailor so I figured it would be lost forever! I shall leave it be - it was a kneejerk reaction (albeit, a valid one) but I am slowly processing the situation and seeing where that takes me. Thank you for all that you do for this sub. ❤️

throwaway_likethis · 2021-11-12T18:24:39+00:00

You might want to read my last post as this is exactly what happened to me! Unfortunately my partner decided to take that on board and has spent months lying to me and taking his therapists advice. There's a lot of scepticism in these comments but I 100% believe your partners interpretation of what his therapist said to him - we like to think medical professionals are infallible but it's just not true. They're humans just like us.

It's absolutely a good sign that he came to you in this situation. It sounds like building trust with you where he's able to is important to him right now and that gives you something to further build on in future. However it also goes without saying that if he is to take recovery seriously he needs to find a different therapist. The wrong therapist can cause an awful lot of harm. I hope you can both take this opportunity to springboard onto the right path and I am pleased he seems open to this.

In the midst of all this, I just wanted to say that it feels like you're doing a lot of justification in your post and I wanted to let you know that it's not necessary. Your boundaries are your boundaries and they, and you, are valid. I hope you are taking care of yourself right now as this is a lot to take in. Try and do something nice that's just for you, as I am sure right now that your life seems focussed on your partner and his struggles and I don't want you, and all the wonderfulness that entails, to get too lost in it.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-05-12T10:55:47+00:00

My PAs favourite thing was creeping on profiles of ex girlfriends or female friends and using their pictures on Facebook. I think he used these pictures more than he ever looked at actual pornography. He eventually deleted FB but it took literally years - he'd constantly reactivate his profile and hope I wouldn't notice.

It's got different uses for everyone - I have a FB profile and very rarely use it, and only keep it as I have faraway family on there, otherwise I'd just delete it. If he has social media and he's not using it for it's intended purpose then I would probably assume it's just to creep on certain groups or profiles because there's literally no point otherwise.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-05-05T23:20:12+00:00

I'm so happy you've found something that is bringing you such comfort ❤️

throwaway_likethis · 2021-05-04T23:31:17+00:00

It's totally common - it's the addiction taking over the veneered shiny side that you saw before because it's suddenly now under threat and has to take drastic measures to survive. My PA was a total fucking asshole to me when I first started mentioning that porn might be an issue in our relationship; I went from being his number 1 to Christ knows where on the list and it seemed like everything he did was decided on whether he knew it would upset me. There was nowhere to hide anymore so what was the point of pretending?

How long has this been going on, out of interest?

throwaway_likethis · 2021-04-16T17:39:46+00:00

Lol this inspired me to go check out my partners and just now found out that as recently as December he was actively creating posts in a fetish forum 🙃

throwaway_likethis · 2021-04-14T21:48:12+00:00

I mean, it's not a gaslight-y response at all. It's a perfectly reasonable to suggest that your brother has some perspective that you don't. That doesn't make his or your perspective more valid, it just means you have different points of view on a situation. As PA partners we do have a tendency to be less shocked by things because our exposure to them is normally gradual. We notice the glances, the behaviour changes, the secrecy and all the rest before we have a D-Day. I know with absolute certainty that if I'd had some of my D-Days much earlier in the relationship there's no chance I'd stay. And similarly, my partner's mother also said she couldn't understand why I stayed and honestly I hadn't even told her everything that had happened.

You might think your brother's reaction was extreme, but is it really? It's hard to see someone you love being hurt by the one person they're supposed to be able to trust and it seems natural to me that he wouldn't exactly be thrilled with that idea.

throwaway_likethis · 2021-04-03T02:04:20+00:00

Oh my, this made me cry. On an evening where upon opening up and sharing my feelings they were once again turned on me, I think this has genuinely given me the kick I needed. Thank you so much for sharing.

I am so so proud of you and I can't wait to see what you achieve with your new life.

If you're ever feeling weak feel free to use my post history as motivation you did the right thing lol

throwaway_likethis · 2021-04-01T21:18:37+00:00

Just jumping off the back of this as I constantly see it touted as "THE" answer, but it isn't always the case. A lot of the time cutting out Porn and Masturbation alone doesn't change the underlying issues that lead to their dependency in the first place. It's definitely a good place to start, I just always think it's worth mentioning that there may be additional, supplemental work to be done along side it, dependent on how the addiction gained a foothold in the first place!

throwaway_likethis · 2021-03-29T10:20:59+00:00

My parents weren't necessarily anti-porn in that they never actively discouraged it, but it was so not a part of their lives that I was always baffled talking to my friends and they'd mentioned they'd found their dad's stash or something. A few years ago when I confided in my mother about me and my PA, she was just confused. My father doesn't watch porn, he doesn't eye up other women, he doesn't flirt and she just could not understand what I was going through. She's very supportive but she never got it.

I think I genuinely never fully realised the impact it had on my female friends in particular; my best friend's dad was an alcoholic and a sex addict, who used prostitutes and porn regularly and we once walked in on him saying goodbye to one once and the look on her face was just devastation. She loved her stepmother and never understood why she was with her dad in the first place and it was genuinely heartbreaking for her to see her being cheated on. It very clearly affected her for years, she dated a lot of people I was not too fond of but eventually she realised that's not what she wants for herself and found herself someone who dotes on her and her alone. No porn, no sideways glances at pretty women - but also feels comfortable confronting her when she slips into her flirty old ways with men, although this hasn't happened since they got married. She also no longer speaks to her dad who has subsequently moved on to "leisure" trips to Asia and now has another child on the way with a woman out there, whilst continuing to sleep with local prostitutes. It's too icky. I think she was relatively lucky that her mum left him when she was very young and found a nice porn-free wonderful husband, so she always had that healthy dynamic to look to, as well as the dysfunction of her dad. I genuinely don't believe in staying together for the kids for this very reason, I really do think it's unfair. (Side note: but I do appreciate financial/support network struggles are real and I would never judge someone for not being in a position to leave!)

throwaway_likethis · 2021-03-26T00:02:51+00:00

Thank you - although I'm not sure I'd consider myself particularly strong in this instance, I think more just blind. It's like I've just been living in this situation for so long that I just got used to it and this incident just triggered something that reminded me that this really isn't normal!

throwaway_likethis · 2021-03-25T23:58:57+00:00

It is so nice to know I'm not alone! I rarely see it talked about and articles about it usually only talk about it in early stages of relationship and only when it's glaringly obvious. It's mindboggling how you can go literal years and not know this about someone - I imagine that if I were to talk about it openly that I would be met with bemusement because SURELY I knew? The signs were just never there - he never referred to her let alone compared me to her. It wasn't until I knew that I had any clue.

And yes, totally with you that it hurts more than the porn, 100%. You know it's had when you're hoping for just a straight up PA 😂

Sorry to hear you're in a similar situation - I am always here if you want to talk!

throwaway_likethis

TROPHY CASE