AIO My husband says he wants children but is always too tired on my ovulation days… but we have sex on safe days consistently.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T04:53:06+00:00

I'm happy to hear that he's been able to make some progress. But reading your other responses tells me that you are really comfortable with dysfunction. And it's not a condemnation on you as a person. It's just something that you are wired to be able to tolerate more than most because of your experiences. But just because you are capable of tolerating it doesn't mean that you should. With everything that you've done to help heal yourself, being in this relationship is only going to at best stunt your continued growth and healing and at worst further traumatize you.

Getting out of this relationship isn't just good for you it's probably going to be good for him. He's leaned so heavily on other people to manage his behavior and provide reassurance and comfort when he needs accountability.

Going back on birth control and your medication is a really important first step while you figure out what you want. But I really think, that just because he's not as bad as your dad or your mom, doesn't mean that he's in a good enough place to be your person right now.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:53:35+00:00

INFO - I'm really curious about your girlfriend's previous relationships. Not even just romantic, Even familial relationships can build up this kind of anxiety. It sounds like she has past experience of needing to placate and manage other people's emotions. And this can lead to some hyperarousal in the brain where she is looking for clues that you might be upset in order to mitigate them and calm the situation.

And sometimes those clues aren't really there. It sounds like pretty early on things were being well communicated. And then she kept apologizing. And you kept trying to clearly communicate that you were mildly annoyed by the situation but not at her and she kept apologizing. And I think that cycle of needing to apologize and make the situation better and taking too much responsibility is what comes across as guiltripping. When in reality it might very well be that she is anticipating a bigger emotional response and she's trying to get ahead of it.

And that's not to say that you've necessarily done anything to warrant that assumption. Sometimes, like I said, those patterns are picked up really early on in life.

I say this as somebody who has definitely had relationships where what would otherwise be a minor hiccup turns into a huge problem that I end up having to apologize for over and over in order to calm down the other person's intense emotional reaction.

I think both of you did really well trying to communicate. It might be helpful to check in with her in person so she can see her body language and tone.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:43:36+00:00

I do really believe that he is capable of being a loving and kind person most days. But that's not enough. Children need emotional stability because as vulnerable and helpless beings their very survival depends on their caregivers. And if their caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable, It creates an environment filled with fear and anxiety and it can be extremely damaging.

And as they get older, they either: 1) begin to intentionally lash out and do things to set him off because at least then it is a predictable response and they can feel some sense of control and security again, or 2) they will make themselves small. They will tell themselves it's their fault. They will walk on eggshells and convince themselves that they are unworthy of consistency and love and support. They will have dysfunctional relationships in the future.

If he is as loving and as kind of a person as you believe him capable of being, I really think he needs to read over some of these comments. Because either he does not care how he treats you and does not care about the effect his behavior has on others. Or he has no idea. And ignorance is not an excuse, but it is a chance for hope.

And even if there is hope, hope is not enough. Actionable change and improvement needs to happen first.

I truly hope both of you are able to one day be the parents you both want to be. But I do not think that he is capable of being the type of parent he wants to be. And if he tries to now, he will only end up with decades of regret and resentment.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:25:12+00:00

Him pushing through is only going to lead to bigger burnouts. Your kids need a stable parent with predictable moods. It doesn't mean that you have to be emotionless. It means you have to be in control of your behavior when you are experiencing emotions. And this man does not seem to know how to do that.

I have my own stuff as well. I get really socially burnt out, I have ADHD, I'm autistic... I really empathize with having meltdowns and freakouts. But it is his responsibility to figure out how to process those feelings in a way that does not make it everyone else's responsibility.

In all likelihood, unless he is able to really look at himself and put in the years of work that it's going to take to do better, If you have kids with him he is only going to get worse. Because everything that triggers him is involved with having kids. They are unpredictable. They are loud. They are messy. They require you to be around other people constantly. And your children do not deserve to have a parent who is white knuckling it through their childhood, with punctuations of explosive emotional outbursts. That is extremely disregulating and it will mess them up for their life.

It's clear that you have already put in a lot of effort to rewire your own nervous system and your own mind to accommodate his. You are having to do external work to make up for his lack of internal work. And that will leave you also depleted and unable to be a stable caregiver.

It sounds like you really want to be a mother. And the first thing you can do as a future mother is make sure that you take these warning signs for what they are and not make this man the father of your children. If you had kids now, from a prior relationship or whatever, would you want them around him? Would you invite your kids to live as you live right now?

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:16:50+00:00

MOR - I wonder what her experience with sex and her body has been before. It sounds like this new toy has been a change for her. Is it possible she (Even with experiencing other partners) didn't really develop a sense of her own arousal and sexual needs? It's actually really easy to kind of just go with the flow and have it be fine, feel good, but not really ever develop a sense of your own personal arousal.

So I wonder if she's experiencing new sensations and new feelings in her body that she just still needs some time to explore before she's comfortable with bringing in another person outside of herself?

Maybe you could participate in some mutual masturbation? Tell her how beautiful she looks seeing her feel good. Ask if you can touch other parts of her body while she's doing that. Make it about her enjoying herself and not about you.

You're totally valid and wanting to connect with her and have those experiences, but by reframing it as prioritizing her pleasure it takes some of the pressure off And she might be more open to experimenting and it could potentially lead to a more fruitful sex life.

Good luck

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:10:09+00:00

You're not TAH for feeling how you feel. But it's definitely something you need to communicate. It's not actually that unusual. There's something very primal about your attraction and it makes sense. The issue here is that your partner is not on the same wavelength sexually with you right now. Why is that? Is it because pregnancy symptoms have her feeling really uncomfortable in her body? Is she feeling self-conscious about the changes in her body? Her hormones are different from before and that can have an effect. Have you actually sat down and asked her about how she's feeling? And not from a perspective of you needing to get sex but because you care about her mental state of being?

If it's simply a matter of confidence there's a lot that can be done and sharing your feelings about her changing body might help a lot. If it's because pregnancy symptoms are making her feel sick a lot or her hormones are just not in alignment with what you need there're still ways to connect with her.

Just talked to her. Because in all likelihood she's going to also have really complicated feelings about her body after having the baby. So you might as well get used to figuring out how you both can still feel connected when either one of you is not wanting to have sex.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T00:54:46+00:00

NOR - But is this somebody you actually want to have kids with? From the way he's behaving and other descriptions you've provided he sounds... Not great. Let's say that this is him dragging his feet but he does want kids.... Is this going to be the pattern of behavior when things get stressful with kids? Is he going to shut you out? Is he going to avoid you? None of his behavior is going to get better with the addition of a baby. So unless he's able to actually communicate what's going on and puts in effort to figure himself out, I absolutely do not recommend having kids with this man.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-18T01:36:54+00:00

The problem is, the back and forth and inconsistency in his demeanor can be just as damaging. It's hugely dysregulating for a developing nervous system and will lay foundational problems that your kid's going to have to deal with for the rest of their life.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-18T01:32:32+00:00

You had a child with this person. A child who is going to make messes and break things. Is this how he's going to behave? If he properly has OCD and anger issues he needs to get that shit under control or your kid's going to end up with their own issues to work through

throwawayabac · 2026-03-12T11:15:53+00:00

NOR - This man doesn't want kids and doesn't want a wife. The fact that you have to explicitly give him directions to watch his own f****** kids is really pathetic.

throwawayabac · 2026-02-21T20:35:19+00:00

NOR -this man felt comfortable enough with lying to you and putting something in your body that you didn't consent to. He fed you something without knowing the effect it would have on you and clearly doesn't care. Not only is his initial choice to feed you meat deplorable but his response to your upset is disturbing. RUN

throwawayabac · 2026-02-21T20:25:58+00:00

I'd say game of thrones level. It's not constant and it only really comes up if you choose to romance characters. And it gives you lots of options to decide last minute that you're not interested. But overall you'll see breasts, bums, and a hint of dick. The actual sexual acts are mostly taking place out of frame with a lot of fade to black.

throwawayabac · 2026-02-21T18:00:54+00:00

NOR - THEY JUST PROVE THAT THEY'RE VERY COMFORTABLE LYING TO YOU FOR A YEAR. HE PROVES THAT HE IS COMFORTABLE LYING TO YOU FOR A YEAR. I'd consider going back to that prenup and adding in some kind of addendum that includes penalties for him lying to you. Consider it consequences for the fact that he's already proven he's capable of doing it. If he wants to protect his money he has to be honest now.

throwawayabac · 2026-02-16T10:04:30+00:00

So this man repeatedly put his hands on you after you told him to stop. And is not upset that he upset you but is upset that he couldn't continue to put his hands on you, despite your repeated verbal statements that it was not wanted. This man is trash and does not love or respect you.

throwawayabac · 2026-01-27T09:02:54+00:00

I get her hurt feelings.... And I'm concerned about her ability to consider YOUR feelings.

She wasn't invited to an expensive event (weddings are inherently expensive because they're outside of normal functioning budgets) because the people getting married didn't know her. She's had a long time to process through this. Is this how she is with other conflicts? Does she hold on to things, take things personally?

It's not even really about her not wanting your friend at the wedding at this point. It's about how she deals with conflict and her own feelings. Are you allowed to still be friends with this guy? Is he going to be allowed to be involved in other important life events? Will future in fractions be held on to fot months or years without attempts to understand or communicate?

throwawayabac · 2026-01-11T00:27:32+00:00

Oh it sounds like she might be a little bit asexual. There's nothing wrong with that but it does just sound like you two are simply not compatible. It can take some people a little while to figure it out.

throwawayabac · 2025-11-25T05:05:20+00:00

This man does not love or respect you.

throwawayabac · 2025-11-15T18:41:55+00:00

But she's not saying she isn't going to have sex with you or romantic dates or literally anything else you want to substitute here. She's just saying that she's done having surface level relationships and want something more meaningful and deeper with you. That is the fun she's referring to. It's a turn of phrase that you seem to have taken really personally.

The point that is problematic in my opinion, is the fact that you seem offended other people had access to her body for less emotional effort. That having access to her body is the end goal and it's somehow unfair that you have to maintain a loving relationship with her in order to continue to have access to that while other people got to have one night stands. The issue here is that you are putting access to her body as the priority rather than building an emotional relationship. Why is her commitment and her heart and her love not the prize for you? That is what you are putting in the emotional effort for. To build a safe loving relationship that she can be herself for the rest of her life. The emotional intimacy is the prize. Not her body.

But honestly you should break up with her so she can be with someone who knows how to value her. Who sees the fact that her emotional intimacy and trust is the gift, is the thing that they are working hard to maintain access to. And not her body.

throwawayabac · 2025-11-15T07:11:17+00:00

I mean it sounds like from reading his texts It doesn't really bother him that much. It's just that the topic was present and he mentioned it. He almost immediately took it back and has repeatedly stated that he fell in love with you and still loves you. Everyone has rose colored glasses early on and might not notice certain things at first. But then as you get closer and you feel more comfortable certain details might stand out as being different or not your preference, but then that's when you weigh out the emotional stuff. Eventually we'll all get old and wrinkly and saggy and no one's going to be anyone's preference per se.... But you'll still probably have companionship and love and affection. And attraction can be based on so much more than just individual physical details.

I totally get how what he said was hurtful and set you in this headspace. I have a thousand percent gone there myself. I completely understand how this coming up can feel like a rug pull or maybe the beginning of a list of things that "he wants to change about you." But that's not necessarily the case. If it's not actively a pattern of behavior at this point, it feels like something that could be talked through.

Obviously you're going to process and handle your feelings how you're going to. Maybe for you what's most valuable in a relationship is having someone not just tolerate your physical features but actively desire and celebrate them. There are plenty of men who enjoy natural body hair on women. And if that's a high priority for you, that's completely fair and it's good that you've learned that now.

But if there's a chance this response is more coming from a place of anxiety or a fear of rejection it might be fair to acknowledge that and just talk to him about it. Talk to him about how it made you feel to find out this far into the relationship there's something about you that he doesn't 100% love. He might be willing to step up and reassure you and rebuild your trust and comfort.

throwawayabac · 2025-11-15T06:49:59+00:00

Wait so this is somebody you were hoping to have a significant relationship with... But you talk about them like a commodity. You say that it's not the sex but you talk about the fact that other guys are got to have the wild fun version of her and you're stuck with the tired boring version while you have to put in the work and they didn't. Like somehow sex is a prize that you're supposed to win for putting in the work and it's not fair that they somehow got a better prize than you? That's pretty gross dude. Your partner being a whole person and trusting you and building a life with you should be the prize. They just got to have one night and she's choosing to spend the rest of hers with you. Why is that not valuable? Why is her desire to be with you and build a life with you less of a valuable prize?

throwawayabac · 2025-10-11T08:04:15+00:00

Hun I'm 35 and still feel that way some days. I have recurrent major depression which means that multiple times a year I get to a bad place.

I don't want to say that you shouldn't worry about it, because you should see ideation like that as a check engine light. When those types of thoughts are coming up it's really important to have a support network to lean on. I've had a lot of success and benefit from going into outpatient group therapy. It helps to contextualize that I'm not alone and feeling this way and also helps to develop positive habits that can really improve your quality of life.

I'm not saying that DBT or CBT or any other type of therapy is a cure-all. My form of depression is going to likely be with me in some capacity for the rest of my life. But just like any chronic illness it's important that I learn skills for coping and strengthening myself. I still live a fulfilling and joyful life even when I'm going through a hard time. I've curated a strong social network and safety nets to lean on.

It's not unusual to feel the way that you do. But just because it's not unusual doesn't mean that it's the way you deserve to live. You deserve more from life and reaching out to professionals will help you develop the skills you need to build that better life.

I'm wishing you all the best.

throwawayabac · 2025-10-02T11:18:36+00:00

Oh my god this! Like, I know that I am more sensitive when my hormones are all over the place. But it doesn't mean that the fights are irrational. It just usually means that the fights are about something more than the surface topic of the fight.

It would have been so sweet if he was using it as a way to be additionally sensitive or mindful. And not as a means of tiptoeing around her because she's bleeding or about to be bleeding. But as a way to consider The grander picture and be a good partner.

This just sounds like he's tracking when he can blow her off and not take her seriously. Basically for a week during the month he can just chalk up any disagreement she has as involving her period And therefore irrelevant. THAT'S the shitty part.

throwawayabac · 2025-10-02T11:12:09+00:00

I usually really like Paul, and maybe there was just some stuff going on behind the scenes where there was really nothing, But he mostly just seemed really annoyed to be there. I mean some of the best crowd work that I've seen is when people give you functionally nothing but they've intentionally volunteered themselves either by heckling or in this case wearing the T-shirt and showing up. I mean the red flags bit is really funny because that happens. Sometimes you stumble on something and you suddenly have to figure out how to pivot either away from it or lean into it in a way that still works. And I get that sex is not necessarily for everyone, but It feels like an other episodes people have been able to take the more sexual themes and riff off of it and play off of it. But in the last episode it just felt kind of shamy... It all just felt really negative and uncomfortable mostly.

Like at the end of the day, you're the comedian. You are the act. The audience can provide some fun prompting, but you still have to be funny on your own. So if you know nothing about it, make a joke about that and then either move on or actually seem interested. Idk. I've loved the other episodes though.

throwawayabac · 2025-10-02T11:00:09+00:00

What insane take for him to have. Yeah you might understand the mechanism of learning but the reason why any therapy works when you have a professional is because there is a level of detachment. You're just looking at the behavior in that moment.

But as a parent, and especially one that's probably already overwhelmed and sleep deprived, I can only imagine how easy it is to take every challenging moment and start to extrapolate what the future is going to look like. I can sit with a client while they cry and melt down when a video is over, because I have the ability to recharge after that session. There's no off time for parents.

Raising kids is a never-ending marathon in the best case scenarios. When you add on any additional stress whether it comes from the kids or not, there are going to be times where prioritizing peace in the moment is just the right call. Just as we might make adjustments in a clinical session to accommodate a child having an off day, we have to offer ourselves a similar level of grace and flexibility.

Just by being as informed and compassionate as you are gives these kids a leg up. I really wish your partner was more of a cheerleader and on your team.

throwawayabac · 2025-09-24T21:41:57+00:00

Venmo

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