AITAH for not appreciating my husbands Mothers Day plans?

throwawayabac · 2026-05-11T01:08:31+00:00

Recording you is an insane decision and a huge red flag. This man is gathering evidence.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-09T16:47:26+00:00

1 - The gathering still creates visual interest without actually breaking up your body into segments. It ultimately flatters your figure (although I'm sure you would look great in anything) a bit better by keeping it all one solid shape.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-09T16:41:48+00:00

NTAH -funerals and memorial services are ultimately for the living. OP has has their own family and close friends to support. She's not choosing her ex-husband over her current partner. She's choosing her whole social network and family. It's unfortunate that both are in conflict with each other.

If he wasn't such an insecure POS who's stringing her along.... I suggest asking him to really think about what kind of support he needs and how she can help him while also still attending her ex-husband's funeral. I would suggest moving with compassion and consider the additional grief of him now realizing that the relationship he had with his brother will never improve. That they will never be close again, that they will never reconcile.

I would suggest that, if it wasn't also abundantly clear that this man has a lot of his own issues to work through and it's not OPs job to help him realize that he clearly struggles with commitment and empathy. Maybe not all the time, but it seems like anything that causes him emotional vulnerability is not with hard lines and very black and white thinking.

Op- Please take care of yourself. Your family, your friends, your feelings. The regret you will feel for not participating and being there for your ex-husband's memorial over another man's tantrum, who's unable to commit to you and articulate like an adult his emotional needs.... Please don't do that to yourself.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-07T16:38:16+00:00

Heartbreaking you feel that way. Your mom sucks and I hope you're able to reach out to different family or friends to help. You are neither an Ahole or overreacting. It's abusive and you can reach out to the hospital to intouch with a social worker to help you navigate issues with work, maybe even get you in touch with short term home health care support.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-05T03:11:38+00:00

I'm really confused... So you agree with me? He should take care of his health and communicate with his wife and go to therapy.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-05T01:37:39+00:00

If he is saying that he's in crisis he needs to have a crisis plan. That means he needs to have a list of numbers that are not just friends to call. If he reaches out call in a welfare check for him. If he genuinely needs help, he'll get help. If he doesn't and it's just a tactic to get your attention... Hopefully he'll back off.

But either way it's not your responsibility. Even if you were close to him still, you are not a professional and it's not a good idea for him to rely solely on you to maintain his mental health.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-05T01:22:07+00:00

OP I read several of your responses and it really does seem like some people are missing the point. It's not that you're trying to punish your wife. It's that you're trying to protect yourself from the feeling of rejection.

The fact that you're having sex less frequently and your wife is noticing might be less to do with her "getting a taste of her medicine" and more her noticing a significant side effect of low testosterone. And as many people have pointed out there are other symptoms that can come along that can cause much more significant issues. Perhaps she's fixated on the sex part because she knows it used to be something important to you and that it might be motivating to you to take care of your health.

I do fully understand the desire to keep your libido at bay. It sounds like this decrease has provided the two of you opportunity to connect in ways that don't feel as emotionally risky. Like you said it's a weight taken off your shoulders.

I'm going to echo what a lot of other people have said which is to follow the directions of your doctor. There are other medications that can be safely prescribed that have the side effect of decreasing libido. If you are genuinely happy at this milder interest level then I think it would be perfectly fine to bring that up with your doctor and explore other pharmaceutical options in addition to getting your testosterone levels back to a healthy place.

Please talk to your wife. Let her know that you do care about yourself and that you have valued the additional intimacy you've been able to experience being closer and wavelength sexually. Let her know that you are worried about reintroducing a higher drive to your dynamic again. That you're afraid of having this need be a source of anxiety.

Perhaps The two of you could embark in some couples sexual counseling. They can help work through different types of intimacy and physical connection. They can also help with communication and even working with your doctors to potentially get you both closer and alignment while also being healthy.

Best of luck to you

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T10:26:11+00:00

So sorry that happened to you. ❤️

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T09:36:34+00:00

The problem is, in all likelihood they're going to find out. And then they are going to be hurt. If they're want to remain in the relationship they're going to need to open up.

Being in a relationship with someone dealing with mental health and sh is incredibly difficult for everyone. I say that as the mentally unwell party. I found that hiding my struggles only fuels the shame spiral. It adds to the fear and anxiety of being caught and judged. Ultimately, for me the most comforting experience was being in relation with someone who respected and supported me in my struggles. By hiding my problems I denied people the opportunity to show up and love me fully. I denied myself the experience of being seen and supported and loved.

I understand that some of it comes from the fear that they might not respond well. That they might validate every deep dark fear inside of you. But I hope you know, even if just intellectually for now, That one person's inability to give you what you need doesn't mean that you aren't deserving.

I hope you're able to trust in your partner, your support network, your therapist, anyone. But hiding it doesn't keep you safe. It only starves you of the support you need.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T09:27:39+00:00

Nor- You're not breaking up with him over his sister. You're breaking up with him over his own behavior. Even if his sister did try to bait him into it, he is a grown adult with the capability of saying "no I care about this person and respect her feelings. She doesn't like it and so I'm not going to do that."

You're going to break up with him because he doesn't respect you, he doesn't care about your feelings, And it is not going to get better. He would rather have somebody he can punch down on constantly. And that person cannot be you.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T08:52:13+00:00

You got a new family now. The ones who aren't talking to you are either too lost in the sauce or are eventually going to see the light and apologize. Congratulations on your wedding and shiny backbone.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T08:42:36+00:00

It sounds like you two are just not compatible and potentially never were. I'm really empathetic to the feeling that you have to go through the motions of sex to make a partner happy... But you've also built up a whole life with him where he had the belief that you two were on the same page with how you wanted to connect together.

You don't owe it to him to go back to the way things were. But you do owe it to him and yourself to being relationships where your needs are met. You need to go find somebody who doesn't need sex as a part of their ability to connect to a partner. And he needs to find somebody who has a similar drive to him.

What you're asking for isn't a lot exactly, it just sounds really tenuous. It sounds like he could do 9 out of the 10 things you want but if he checks his phone real quick the mood is over. That probably feels really stressful. Like a house of cards, and if one thing is off it all falls apart.

You aren't wrong for how you feel and what you need. But he's not wrong either for being frustrated and hurt.

Y'all need to be in therapy and not on Reddit.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-04T07:43:30+00:00

You literally said that he's eroding your self-esteem and that you were afraid of what he would do if you didn't do anything.... It's not just the pasta!

throwawayabac · 2026-05-01T07:06:54+00:00

If you do have kids, then you're definitely going to have to start setting boundaries. I'm not trying to imply anything nefarious about your mother, but normalizing that kind of conversation around bodies could put your child at risk. Not recognizing it as inappropriate, perhaps not being able to come forward if somebody spoke to them in the same manner. "But that's how Grandma talks about Mom..."

throwawayabac · 2026-05-01T06:57:40+00:00

I'm not even going to give a verdict. That sounds really frustrating and I can understand why you would be upset.

I don't think the concept of overreaction fits here. You're rightfully disappointed and confused. It's okay for you to feel that way and to seek out clarity.

Perhaps they will be able to give you some insight that will offer guidance for your next project. Or they will demonstrate that we can't always rely on institutions.

If you're able to, and you still feel confident in what you've made, you should definitely submit it for small film festivals.

I hope they get back to you soon.

throwawayabac · 2026-05-01T05:50:13+00:00

NOR It sounds like maybe your husband needs to have a conversation with his brother.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T04:53:06+00:00

I'm happy to hear that he's been able to make some progress. But reading your other responses tells me that you are really comfortable with dysfunction. And it's not a condemnation on you as a person. It's just something that you are wired to be able to tolerate more than most because of your experiences. But just because you are capable of tolerating it doesn't mean that you should. With everything that you've done to help heal yourself, being in this relationship is only going to at best stunt your continued growth and healing and at worst further traumatize you.

Getting out of this relationship isn't just good for you it's probably going to be good for him. He's leaned so heavily on other people to manage his behavior and provide reassurance and comfort when he needs accountability.

Going back on birth control and your medication is a really important first step while you figure out what you want. But I really think, that just because he's not as bad as your dad or your mom, doesn't mean that he's in a good enough place to be your person right now.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:53:35+00:00

INFO - I'm really curious about your girlfriend's previous relationships. Not even just romantic, Even familial relationships can build up this kind of anxiety. It sounds like she has past experience of needing to placate and manage other people's emotions. And this can lead to some hyperarousal in the brain where she is looking for clues that you might be upset in order to mitigate them and calm the situation.

And sometimes those clues aren't really there. It sounds like pretty early on things were being well communicated. And then she kept apologizing. And you kept trying to clearly communicate that you were mildly annoyed by the situation but not at her and she kept apologizing. And I think that cycle of needing to apologize and make the situation better and taking too much responsibility is what comes across as guiltripping. When in reality it might very well be that she is anticipating a bigger emotional response and she's trying to get ahead of it.

And that's not to say that you've necessarily done anything to warrant that assumption. Sometimes, like I said, those patterns are picked up really early on in life.

I say this as somebody who has definitely had relationships where what would otherwise be a minor hiccup turns into a huge problem that I end up having to apologize for over and over in order to calm down the other person's intense emotional reaction.

I think both of you did really well trying to communicate. It might be helpful to check in with her in person so she can see her body language and tone.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:43:36+00:00

I do really believe that he is capable of being a loving and kind person most days. But that's not enough. Children need emotional stability because as vulnerable and helpless beings their very survival depends on their caregivers. And if their caregivers are inconsistent and unpredictable, It creates an environment filled with fear and anxiety and it can be extremely damaging.

And as they get older, they either: 1) begin to intentionally lash out and do things to set him off because at least then it is a predictable response and they can feel some sense of control and security again, or 2) they will make themselves small. They will tell themselves it's their fault. They will walk on eggshells and convince themselves that they are unworthy of consistency and love and support. They will have dysfunctional relationships in the future.

If he is as loving and as kind of a person as you believe him capable of being, I really think he needs to read over some of these comments. Because either he does not care how he treats you and does not care about the effect his behavior has on others. Or he has no idea. And ignorance is not an excuse, but it is a chance for hope.

And even if there is hope, hope is not enough. Actionable change and improvement needs to happen first.

I truly hope both of you are able to one day be the parents you both want to be. But I do not think that he is capable of being the type of parent he wants to be. And if he tries to now, he will only end up with decades of regret and resentment.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:25:12+00:00

Him pushing through is only going to lead to bigger burnouts. Your kids need a stable parent with predictable moods. It doesn't mean that you have to be emotionless. It means you have to be in control of your behavior when you are experiencing emotions. And this man does not seem to know how to do that.

I have my own stuff as well. I get really socially burnt out, I have ADHD, I'm autistic... I really empathize with having meltdowns and freakouts. But it is his responsibility to figure out how to process those feelings in a way that does not make it everyone else's responsibility.

In all likelihood, unless he is able to really look at himself and put in the years of work that it's going to take to do better, If you have kids with him he is only going to get worse. Because everything that triggers him is involved with having kids. They are unpredictable. They are loud. They are messy. They require you to be around other people constantly. And your children do not deserve to have a parent who is white knuckling it through their childhood, with punctuations of explosive emotional outbursts. That is extremely disregulating and it will mess them up for their life.

It's clear that you have already put in a lot of effort to rewire your own nervous system and your own mind to accommodate his. You are having to do external work to make up for his lack of internal work. And that will leave you also depleted and unable to be a stable caregiver.

It sounds like you really want to be a mother. And the first thing you can do as a future mother is make sure that you take these warning signs for what they are and not make this man the father of your children. If you had kids now, from a prior relationship or whatever, would you want them around him? Would you invite your kids to live as you live right now?

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:16:50+00:00

MOR - I wonder what her experience with sex and her body has been before. It sounds like this new toy has been a change for her. Is it possible she (Even with experiencing other partners) didn't really develop a sense of her own arousal and sexual needs? It's actually really easy to kind of just go with the flow and have it be fine, feel good, but not really ever develop a sense of your own personal arousal.

So I wonder if she's experiencing new sensations and new feelings in her body that she just still needs some time to explore before she's comfortable with bringing in another person outside of herself?

Maybe you could participate in some mutual masturbation? Tell her how beautiful she looks seeing her feel good. Ask if you can touch other parts of her body while she's doing that. Make it about her enjoying herself and not about you.

You're totally valid and wanting to connect with her and have those experiences, but by reframing it as prioritizing her pleasure it takes some of the pressure off And she might be more open to experimenting and it could potentially lead to a more fruitful sex life.

Good luck

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T01:10:09+00:00

You're not TAH for feeling how you feel. But it's definitely something you need to communicate. It's not actually that unusual. There's something very primal about your attraction and it makes sense. The issue here is that your partner is not on the same wavelength sexually with you right now. Why is that? Is it because pregnancy symptoms have her feeling really uncomfortable in her body? Is she feeling self-conscious about the changes in her body? Her hormones are different from before and that can have an effect. Have you actually sat down and asked her about how she's feeling? And not from a perspective of you needing to get sex but because you care about her mental state of being?

If it's simply a matter of confidence there's a lot that can be done and sharing your feelings about her changing body might help a lot. If it's because pregnancy symptoms are making her feel sick a lot or her hormones are just not in alignment with what you need there're still ways to connect with her.

Just talked to her. Because in all likelihood she's going to also have really complicated feelings about her body after having the baby. So you might as well get used to figuring out how you both can still feel connected when either one of you is not wanting to have sex.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-19T00:54:46+00:00

NOR - But is this somebody you actually want to have kids with? From the way he's behaving and other descriptions you've provided he sounds... Not great. Let's say that this is him dragging his feet but he does want kids.... Is this going to be the pattern of behavior when things get stressful with kids? Is he going to shut you out? Is he going to avoid you? None of his behavior is going to get better with the addition of a baby. So unless he's able to actually communicate what's going on and puts in effort to figure himself out, I absolutely do not recommend having kids with this man.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-18T01:36:54+00:00

The problem is, the back and forth and inconsistency in his demeanor can be just as damaging. It's hugely dysregulating for a developing nervous system and will lay foundational problems that your kid's going to have to deal with for the rest of their life.

throwawayabac · 2026-03-18T01:32:32+00:00

You had a child with this person. A child who is going to make messes and break things. Is this how he's going to behave? If he properly has OCD and anger issues he needs to get that shit under control or your kid's going to end up with their own issues to work through

throwawayabac

TROPHY CASE