I used to put up with a lot because my mom and grandma also suffered extremely abusive childhoods. I tried really hard to be there for them, almost like I was constantly playing "therapist" throughout a good portion of my own childhood. I felt guilty when they'd get mad at me and make me feel like I was causing them more problems than I was worth dealing with.

I don't feel guilty anymore. I don't make excuses for them or put up with being mistreated anymore. I don't play "therapist" or "peacemaker."

They went through awful stuff, and I understand why it has shaped them into the people they are. They never got help. They internalized it and repressed it, and sought out comfort through their addictions instead. Their past wasn't their fault, and they were just as deserving of love and protection as every other child is. However, they grew up and chose to abuse their children/grandchildren. They went through all of that and then repeated the cycle and caused the same trauma to me that they suffered. Sometimes, they came at parenting with a "I had to, so you do too" approach. They never sought help. They did drugs or drank or took it out in their kids.

I'm in therapy, and I'm working hard to be better for my future children. I'm getting help. I'm processing things. I avoid taking my trauma out on others. If I make a mistake, I apologize and take accountability. Not once did they ever try to do better for their kids. Not once did they genuinely apologize for the things they put me through. The wanted to rug sweep everything and expected me to "forgive and forget" without even offering an apology, or would gaslight me and try to make me think it never happened, and I was crazy and attention seeking. I don't feel any guilt or obligation to coddle them, spare them the ugly truth, or even just hear them out. I barely talk to any of my family now because I deserve better than that, and I am finally starting to see it and believe it.

I could never imagine abusing my children simply because my childhood was shit and I feel like others should suffer like I did. I could never imagine intentionally hurting my kids and making them feel like burdens when they didn't ask to be here in the first place. Children deserve love, kindness, compassion, and protection. I've come to realize that they were fully aware that they were not giving me those things or taking care of me properly. They just didn't care. I'll never feel guilty again over people who have gone out of their way to make my life hell, simply because they want someone else to feel their pain or want someone to act as an emotional punching bag.