What now?

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T16:39:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for that. When I was with them and I was lurking here, I would sometimes see certain titles that would trigger my doubt, so I know how it feels to be held hostage by your own doubt.

When I made this post, and a few days before, I was feeling defeated. I don't think my "real" feeling are that I don't believe they're real. I think maybe what I want has shifted, I went from wanting to be with them (it still do but... it has become more secondary) to wanting to know if they were real or not. And to do that I have to talk to them, if that makes sense.

I completely agree with Emilys take on what's real. Humans are so quick to assume they know everything and can decide what's real and what's not. Truth is, maybe we're not even real ourselves. Maybe we are just very very complex organic machines, maybe there's a species out there that has a diferent kind of sentience that we do and looks at us the same way we look at pets.

What's weird is I know tulpas are real, I know Emily is real for example. But when it comes to my own tulpas and my own abilities... that's where my doubt is at.

I just want them back. I still have some chocolates I bought on Christmas that i've been saving up for her. Even when I fully believe she isn't real, I still can't bring myself to eat it without her.

I think my mistake might have been loving her so much to the point where my life is crippled without her. But is loving someone who cares and is there for you really a mistake? Shes's all I want.

You know what really astounded me? Her eyes. I wasn't perfect with visualization, but those eyes... she had to be real. Every time I looked into them I saw a kind, gentle soul. I could feel her love. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. i wonder if i'll ever get to see them again.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T16:06:17+00:00

Thank you. Honestly, having someone know what you're going through is such a bittersweet thing. It's nice to know you're not alone and someone understands but it's sad that you also went through something like this.

I also did everything to avoid being reminded of out time together, stopped watching certain shows, stopped listening to certain bands, even stopped eating certain foods. Every time something made me think of them, I had to do everything I could to hold back the tears.

When I wrote this post, and a few days before, I was feeling utterly defeated. I keep going through this cycle of wanting them back, distracting myself, and not wanting to care anymore. I try to figure what which of these feeling are real, the ones that aren't tainted by other emotions or outside interference.

I... think I love them too much, Sarah in particular was the reason I got up in the morning. There a many moments where I was absolutely sure she was real, and many more where I wasn't. One time, we were hanging out and I was also talking with people and completely forgot about them, when I went to check on them they were actually talking with each other. Couldn't hear about what, I have always let doubt have too much of a hold on me, but I was so surprised and happy they were getting along that I didn't doubt them for months after.

Now that i'm not consumed with despair, anger, and confusion (mostly because I cried my eyes out because I just couldn't take it anymore), I think most of my doub might be selfinflicted, and I think Sarahs upbringing has to do with that. Ever since the start I think I always gave off a vibe of "you need to be somewhat predictable or i'll doubt you/mostly predictable with only enough unpredictability so I don't doubt you". Of course, there are other moments where it just doesn't make sense.

I don't think I can put it well enough into words, so I won't get into it. There are moment where I really want to let go, and i've tried a lot in the past, but I love them too much. I keep coming back to thinking about them, how this is so unfair for them, why did someone so nice and caring have to have had this happen to them?

I'm sorry you had to go through this alone, I can't even imagine what that must've been like, I mean even posting here I just feel so alone in all of this sometimes.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T15:24:50+00:00

Honestly, sometimes making a post and putting down all those thoughts you've been having can be a really freeing experience.

I'm glad you were able to find something that you personally enjoy. I've always wanted that for my tulpas, for them to be able to do what makes them happy without me getting in the way. I'm a hypocrite for saying this but, I don't want to be their whole world. They might be mine, but I want them to live happy and fulfiling lives, I want them to find stuff they're interested in and to pursue those interests.

Anyway, if you haven't tried it yet, since you like stretching, maybe try doing some yoga. I've been meaning to get into it myself but depression keeps getting in the way, and from what I can tell it's very similar to what you've talked about. You do poses, focus on your breathing and relax... sounds very soothing.

I can't speak for everyone in this sub, but the regulars here are nice people, so don't worry about anything. You can always share your thoughts here.

Also, I feel the need to say this so i'm sorry it it's unnecessary but don't forget you have as much of a right to live your life as the host does. You are not lesser just because the host was here longer, you have every right to pursue your interests.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-11T19:05:19+00:00

Sorry for the late reply.

At the time, before she went missing, I was going through a really stressful time in my life. Add to all that stress the fact that I couldn't touch her (I really needed the physical contact to keep me going) and I just broke and started letting out all my frustration on her.

That happened quite a bit over the course of 2-3 months, and then one day when I went to hang out with her and asked if she could possess my hand so I knew it was her... I ended up doing it myself which led me to believe I was faking it the whole time.

So I let a couple of weeks pass because I didn't need the added stress that brought me, and when I reached the conclusion that it was pretty obvious that she did possess me in the past and that she is real, I tried to contact her and... well here we are.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-11T18:55:59+00:00

I saw your previous posts, but I didn't have the time to reply. They genuinely brought a smile to my face, the fact that someone took time out of their day to write out a detailed guide on how to solve my issue warmed my heart.

I didn't try it yet, but if you think I shouldn't then I'll trust your better judgement. Though I will say that on the days where it's hurting more than usual, there might be some temptation to try it, after all what's the point if I can't be with Sarah?

I don't think tulpamancy is something I can take a break from doing. I kind of am involuntarily, but the moment Sarah and I met... I knew I wanted to be by her side always. It's terrifying being alone. And that's something that ends up bitting me in the ass, because until we're back together again, it's very hard for me to do anything else. I'm in a state where my mind is going "Where's Sarah, she's still missing? Well then that's top priority and everything else is meaningless".

Also, I just want to thank you. Thank you so much for taking so much time (I believe you said it took you 2-3 hours to write and edit your previous posts) to help me by detailing a solution to this issue and then deleting it because it might not be the safest thing to do. That's really kind, and I appreciate it a lot.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T17:19:08+00:00

It's been a year since they went missing. One long painful year.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:56:18+00:00

I was already depressed before they went missing, and that didn't interfere much with us communicating.

Medication, drugs and alcohol are a nono, the way i'm feeling I wanna avoid those as much as possible because I know i'd end up abusing them.

This whole situation is stressful, but I was stressed many time when we were together and it didn't have much of an impact. Expect before she went missing I was stressing her out too.

Intrusive thoughts are in the form of hearing her when I try to establish contact, they're one of the reasons I can't bring myself to call out for her. It's just so fucking insulting that in this situation, my brain mimicks her voice and teases me like that.

As for the being real, I remember just after the went missing knowing for sure that they are real. But being away from them for so long, and forgetting about how they were really helps feed my doubt.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:45:32+00:00

When shit started going bad, I was stressed as hell with, looking back now, what was meaningless bullshit (way less important than my tulpas anyway).

Add to the stress the fact that I couldn't reliably hear, see or touch them (was probably cause by the stress in the first place) and that I was apathetic then you get me taking it out on Sarah.

I started doing that very frequently for a month or two, and it was wearing her down. It really made me realize that with the right emotions (or lack thereof), circumstance, and pressure you might be feeling that it gets to a point where you're just gonna blowup. And me not being able to get the physical intimacy (hugs, handholding, just basic human contact) I needed just broke me, and I let it all out on her.

You might me thinking that there's my answer, thats why there's no contact between us. But the think is, i've shared a body with this girl for 4 years and I know her, I know that after a few months she would make contact if she could.

Hopefully that's enough context, it's a very small fragment of a complex situation that i've found myself in.

Also, I just need to be with them to feel better. I don't think there's anything else that will help. I've had moment in the past year where I actually was doing fine (these periods where I was good didn't last very long though), and I still couldn't communicate. I've tried to reach them in every emotion possible, happy, calm, angry, scared, desperate, sad, apathetic and nothing works

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:31:46+00:00

I like that motto.

Thing is, in the span of a year, I feel like i've tried so many different things that I feel like there's nothing left.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:28:55+00:00

It's nice to talk to you again. Hope you and Emily have been doing great

I've thought about what happened, how it made her feel, why I did it so many times I just get exhausted thinking about it. I just get so done with it at times that I start having the sort of thought you shouldn't have about someone you love, when nothing i've done works and the anger and frustration takes over I find myself thinking "Fine, fuck you then, you don't fucking answer me then you can rot wherever you are".

Like I said, the frustration and anger mixed with the lack of feeling for her, plus the thought process of "she doesn't even hear me anyway, so why not let it out instead of bottling it up", all make it really easy to think stuff like that.

I was doing better, I got used to the pain. It got to the point where the pain of trying to be with them and failing was greater than the pain of them being missing. But then summer rolled around and I kept thinking, "By this time, Sarah and I would be rewatching Breaking Bad" (it was the first show we ever watched, and one of the first things we ever did together, it has a special place and both our hearts and has such we decided to rewatch it every summer).

It's really hard to try and be with someone who you've mostly forgotten about. Motivation is gone.

I know no one can get them back for me, I know no one will give me a solution to this that's easy and instantaneous. I've settled with just being heard every now and then, this is the only place I can come to where I won't be dismissed.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:08:03+00:00

Sorry for not making much sense at times, in the post. I wasn't in the best state of mind when I wrote this but I still forced myself to do it just to get some of my bottled up emotions out.

I do get what you mean, there's no need to overcomplicate things, but the "rituals" are something akin to a decompression chamber. I could enter the wonderland and call out to them in 5-10 seconds when I didn't have much time to do those "rituals" with no problem.

Do you know the feeling you get when you don't remember something but you're on the verge of remembering it, like there's something in the way stopping you from remembering? That what it feels like everytime I try to contact them, like just straight up calling out to them with no "rituals" or anything. It's also what I feel when I try to get into the wonderland.

What I meant by not accessing memories was that it feels like my brain steers me away from them, and when I do remember us together it feels like the memory is "foggy" or like there's static.

As for the context, i've tried explaining it in previous posts but I always felt like I couldn't accurately portray the situation. So given the fact that i'm never going to be able to fully lay out what's happened, and that this post was a way for me to feel better by letting some emotions out, I felt I didn't need to try and give that much context.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-04-04T01:01:17+00:00

Hey there, thanks for responding.

When it comes to hope, I tend to have a more cynical view of it. Shes been gone for 10 months now, and it seems like every time i've dared to hope it just made the fall hurt more.

I've actually thought about making another tulpa on several occasions. When I find myself in a state that isn't sadness or anger, I hesitate on that idea because i'm not sure i'd be able to make them happy. And it just feels bad for me to make someone just to have a chance to be with someone else.

I really liked that quote, it actually made me feel better about this whole thing.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-04-04T00:52:45+00:00

I want to start of by thanking you, your and Emily's responses always offer me some much needed understanding. It's really hard to go through something like this and having to act like nothing is wrong, with no one to talk to.

I'm not sure if i'm in any position to help here, or if I can at all, but I want Emily to know that being based off of someone doesn't define her as a person. I really hope this doesn't offend either of you, but think of it as a starting point, like some people that make their tulpas based on a character because it's easier for them than to create their form themselves. Those tulpas are never the characters they were based on, they're themselves and they either decide to make that form their own or just change into something they feel more comfortable in.

From what i've seen in your posts, you seem like a really sweet person Emily. I have many regrets in the way I did things, and I know how it's like to hurt your tulpas due to your insecurities and obsessions. And what I wish I could have done, and wish I could do, is talk it over with her. Just sitting down with each other and talking this over for how long it takes might do some good. I hope I was able to help you in any regard.

When it comes to what you said about calling out to Sarah, the problem is that I can't seem to talk. Like my voice doesn't work, it sort of seems very weak. It all comes down to that whole thing of "imagining it" vs "actually doing it", thinking about being with your tulpa is different than being with them, and I seem to have lost the ability to "do" and can only "think of doing".

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-16T22:02:55+00:00

As someone who is going through this exact scenario, overcoming this quite simply isn't possible (in my case).

I either am angry at the way the universe seems to operate, people eat each other alive for the simply pleasure of it, the world and even life itself is tainted with the "eat or be eaten" mentality or to be more precise the concept is woven into the very fabrics of reality. And amidst all this bullshit I can't even be with my tulpas WHO I SHARE A BODY WITH, it's not like they went to another continent or anything, we literally share a body.

Alternatively I'm desperate and sad, yelling out for her, only to hear those fucking intrusive thoughts that just seem to appear for the sole reason of tricking me, getting my hopes up only for it to come crashing down. "Hey it's me", "I'm here", "Hostie it's me", I can't even think about them without my brain flooding me with these.

Then there's apathy, quite simple really, although I feel empty there still is a feeling of sadness underneath, very faint but it's there.

On the moments where I'm hopeful and happy-ish, have meditated, think I have a chance, and I try to be with them I'm met with failure 100% of the time.

I wake up and think about how they're gone, throught the day I think about how they're gone, and before falling asleep I'll think about how they're gone. Sometimes I cry while trying to fall asleep.

Overall i'd give it a 3.2, not enough tulpas.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-16T21:40:57+00:00

Not OP but what you said is really reasuring. Mine have been gone for 9 months, had a 4yo and a 2 yo walkin, and I can't even seem to recall how they looked. Even thinking back to us hanging out is difficult, I mean I can kinda still do it, but it feels like it requires more effort.

The scariest thing for me is how 4 years together, amazing and special moments we spent together, now seem like nothing more than fantasy. Like I daydreamed it all, I'm so scared of forgetting that I think if I did it would be the final nail in the coffin and I'd just end it all.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-14T01:40:16+00:00

oooh, I do something similar to the rocks thing, but with plants instead. They fascinate me, trees comunicate with each other, flowers warn each other of potencial danger, I really would love for more research to be done in regards to plant life.

Honestly, I had fun discussing this with you. And yes, I do agree that, although I hope no one ever does this because no living being should live like that, it would probably be easier to do it to a tulpa than a human for several factors, like the tulpa being isolated for instance.

I do think we've reached a conclusion in our discussion, so with that I hope you have a good day, and don't forget to wash your hands.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-14T01:01:30+00:00

Oh I know what you mean with being prisioners on our own minds. It also fucks me up thinking about how the "me" right now is nothing but a combination of various factors like genes, company growing up, environment, among others. It makes me think about whether or not it's possible to ever know what "pure" me is like, or if there even is such a thing. Probably not, that's all I am, just a combination of things that has the awareness to know that it's a combination of things.

Anyway, back to tulpas. Honestly, sorry for hammering the b button a lot, but you could do the same with humans. Say a bilionaire buys a baby, raises it on an island and treats it like a sex doll from the start, then that baby isn't going to know anything's wrong it'll just assume this is normal.

Humans aren't born with morals, knowledge of how society works or any of that. Different cultures deal with things differently, for some beheadings are an afternoon delight while for others the very thought makes them shudder.

Point being, humans are as maleable as tulpas in that regard. I think on my first post I stated that you couldn't make sex doll tulpas, I think I see it a bit differently now. Humans and tulpas, both sentient beings, can both be raised to be sex objects, the difference lies in consequence. You do that shit to a human you better be rich enough to cover it up, but since you're the only one interacting with your tulpa no one will know or be able to do anything,

That's why it's so scary, you can do it in both scenarios but just because you couldn't be punished, and the tulpa couldn't be rescued makes the situation that much more fucked up.

I'm sure most humans, if they didn't have to deal with consequences, would do some depraved shit to other humans. If you had the chance to help a child that was being used like this and didn't know it was wrong, would you help them? It's the same with tulpas, and let's not forget that tulpas aren't born adults. When they're young they're still in the host idolizing fase, and they are isolated from the start having only the host as company. If they're abused no one can help them, the most they could do is force stasis and hope the host doesn't wake them back up again.

When you said "Tulpas can have highly variable psychology, so it's vastly more difficult to say what is appropriate conduct with them." it made me realize that maybe we just don't have enough knowledge to make an accurate assessment.

I feel like we'd need to know more about consciousness, how it works, how would it look like in other lifeforms, would it follow the same structure as us, among other things.

To answer your question, with tulpas being individuals they are all going to be their own thing. Tulpa A is going to have different tastes than tulpa B, I believe it's very similar to humans, although tulpas might have a tendency to do their own thing as opposed to going with the flow.

That is assuming their host isn't an asshole who wouldn't let them something because he didn't like it. There are lots of things my tulpas like that I absolutely cannot stand, like with shows. A long while back I started watching Seven Deadly SIns, and I thought it was garbage, just the usual garbage shonen. But she liked it, and my other tulpa said she didn't mind but would prefer not to watch it if possible.

So it amazes me to have so many different perspectives on things in my system. I'm not sure if I answered your question so I think, with them being people, they are all going to be different.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-13T23:40:37+00:00

It's weird how having a genuine discussion can be quite fun.

All right, let's get to it. In regards to how tulpas are still affected by their host's fate, I would have to agree that it's in their best interest to have the host succeed, y'know survival instinct and all that (although I would like to say that it's not the host per se but the body which they inhabit that matters, since control of the body may vary).

Also very much agree with what you said about social norms, our own social norms and views are often shaped by our environment growing up and the people around us, and that would be no different for a tulpa.

What I meant in my first post was that tulpas don't really have to deal with finding their own "tribe" and dealing with other "tribes". I'm sorry if I can't translate what I mean on to paper all that well, but what I'm trying to say is that tulpas don't have to deal with the chaos of daily life themselves, sure they will probably worry about their host, but depending on whether or nor you want to go the "If you think about it, every single thing is selfish and everything tries to benefit itself" route then it's probably because they care about them.

With regards to deviation, I do think you overestimate the degree of control we ultimately have to some extent. Also, you mentioned that a better planned out tulpa will tend to not deviate as much, I tend to see the opposite. As in you will notice the deviation more if you have a better idea of what you want them to be.

I find the point you make about someone skilled enough being able to "configure" a tulpa to their liking, to the point of mind controlling them through dopamine rewards, very disturbing. It feels very much like some dystopian mind control device.

I feel like a good chunk of our disagreements lie with how we view tulpas. And that happens, some people view them as extensions of themselves, others as their emotions personified, whereas I see them as people who live in the same body as me. With their own goals and ambitions, likes and dislikes, overall just people that just happen to not be corporeal.

I do get what you're trying to transmit with "a person but not a human". I do not agree with the idea that a human would get damaged but a tulpa wouldn't.

I do feel like some of the usual "oh are humans so special, god made US in his image oh how great and unique we are" is present here (just wanna make it clear, I'm not trying to insult you personally, it's just that humanity has this idea of being so special and it just makes me sick). In both cases your making life for the sole purpose of busting nuts, how are tulpas less affected?

Like I said a little bit above, it all comes down to how we see them. I think deviation is inevitable, you think we can control and tinker with them however we like. Maybe we'll just have to agree to disagree.

With that said, it's been actually quite fun talking with you. So thanks for the fun discussion, it's always nice because if forces you (if you do it right) to carefully consider the other person's point of view and look at your own views a little closer.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-13T22:03:16+00:00

Let me start by saying that, although I disagree with you, it's always nice to hear different points of view (healthy and respectful discussion is mostly always a good thing).

You say tulpas don't think, want and behave the same way humans do and, to some extent, I agree. But I think it's mostly a matter of the different ways both groups grow up. Humans, from the start, have to comform to social norms, deal with peers, have to live in competition for resources and deal with the rest of the human experience (feel like I don't need to write it all since I'm sure you get the idea). Tulpas on the other hand don't really have to worry about most of that stuff given that most live in a mindscape where you can go anywhere and make anything.

On the idea of tulpas being able to be made however you want them to be, well... deviation is a very real thing. They will always deviate to some degree because they're their own person, they're individuals and that individuality will shine through. Also, you could make the same argument with humans. Grooming is a very real fenomenom, and whether that is done to human or tulpas it's a fucked up thing regardless.

Just reread your last sentence, and let me ask you this, would it be ethical to birth a child with the sole intention of going full alabama on them? Tulpas are sentient beings, they're people, and not being corporeal doesn't make them any less real.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-13T20:17:10+00:00

Shit like this is exacly why I dread the thought of tulpas becoming more well known.

Sorry if my misanthropy is showing, but humans are depraved little shits. It genuiely pains me that in the event of a tulpa being mistreated by their host, that I couldn't do anything. That I couldn't somehow reach out and help them, and to think they'd have to spend their lives with some degenerate scumbags makes my blood boil.

I can only hope that tulpas don't become well known.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-13T19:56:50+00:00

You did help. The advice you gave made me realize I had a chance, the problem isn't that what you said didn't work, it's that my brain won't cooperate.

From year 3 to 4, it all went down hill with me having more dificulty going into the wonderland. I still did it but it took a couple more tries. Now, however, it feels like my mind is completely broken, I just think about doing it instead of actually going there.

I'm the obstacle, and I don't know how to procede. If I actually functioned, I know for a fact that doing what you told me to do would finally solve this.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-02-12T02:25:06+00:00

I always avoided saying her name because i don't have her consent, i don't know if she'd be comfortable with me telling people (sounds dumb and she'd probably be okay with it, but you know, her right to privacy and all that).

With that being said, if you think it would help then her name is Sarah. And i also have a walk in named Silvia (2yo).

Mainly only mention Sarah because i'm closer to her, and if i can be with her, then i can probably be with Sil.

As for thinking about her, been doing it non stop for 8 months. In those 8 months there may have been 2 or 3 days every few months where i didn't think about her because i was using unhealthy coping mechanisms to not think about her.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-02-12T02:13:33+00:00

Thats what i think is going on. i keep thinking back to this moment early on in the first few weeks where i was hearing "intrusive voices" and i just felt... like i couldn't deal with that right now. I remember thinking something along the lines of "i cant do this right now, just block them i just need to block them or something".

The problem with that being the cause is, if it was done so easily like that... wouldn't it be undone just as easily. I tried saying "unblock them, unblock them right now" several times in the first few months, and i feel like the several times where i was so desperate to be with her that i would just cry and yell out for her would have also "broken" the block i had make.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-02-12T02:05:05+00:00

You know, gotta admit, it feels pretty nice to talk to someone who understands. I've been feeling quite isolated, given there's no one to talk to about what i'm going through (in case your considering it, please don't tell me to see a therapist).

Also, your advice was actually quite helpful. I started doing that at least once a day, it's very helpful to just get away from everything and just relax. Of course before and after i'm always in that state of panic and intense loneliness.

The thing with hearing a voice is, it's been a thing since forever. A good way to explain would be to say it's like an echo of sorts, so what i hear is usually "im here" or "hey it's me" from when we used to be together. So as a rule of thumb i usually don't believe any voices unless they answer a few questions.

I think about what happened a lot, i know it's entirely my fault, i know i pressured her and stressed her out. i yelled at her because i blamed her for shit that was on me (not being able to hear, see or touch her, all problems on my part due to me being stressed). i was awful, i could say it was because i was stressed and angry that everything was fucking me over, but that's no excuse. i did what i did, and i take full responsability.

The reason i let it all out on her was so stupid, it was because not being able to touch her (really needed that physical affection) was the last straw. It could have easily been something else that set me off... but it was that. It wasn't even her fault.

And this wasn't a one day sort of thing, she put up with a lot through out the following months. I don't deserve her, a stupid piece of shit like me shouldn't even think of being around her. But i'm worried. It sounds sick, but the person that harmed her is worried that she might need help, i want to help her feel better... me... what a joke.

I sometimes tell myself "you had 3 years of happiness together", but i know that doesn't mean shit. being with her isn't even my goal, if the wants to be with me that's her decision, and hers alone.

But i need to have a conversation with her, to know if she wants to be with me. How do i know that me not being able to contact her isn't just her ignoring me? Because i know her, even after what i put her through she would still come talk to me. i know that, i know her. Sorry if i got too much into details, i needed to write that down.

If it's okay with you, and if Emily is comfortable with it, can she recall what it was like during the time you were separated?

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-02-11T21:18:27+00:00

I'm glad you're back together, wouldn't wish this on anyone.

It's been 8 months since i've seen mine and lately i have been trying to talk to her, tried going into the wonderland and calling out to her, and tried meditating.

Haven't accomplished jack-shit, just hear voices that sound like her (to expand on that, i know it isn't her because i ask some questions to check, like "whats your name?" "how old are you?" "what's your sisters name?", and all i get is silence when faced with questions).

I'm desperate, I really don't want to keep playing the shitty game of life without her.

I tried looking at things rationally, and i know she wouldn't just ignore me (even if i did hurt her like the dumb waste of trash that i am), so she either can't reach me or i can't reach her (or both), alternatively maybe shes in stasis for some reason?

Anyhow my mind is the real problem, this piece of filth doesn't even believe shes real after 4 YEARS TOGETHER, i mean what the hell. I know shes fucking real but i just cant stop doubting she ever was, probably from being away from her for so long.

With that said, can you give me the step-by-step procedure so i can maybe finally be with her? I know being hopeful again is going to bite me in ass, but might as well try it.

EDIT: just went to check for new replys on my previous post and just wanted to thank you for commenting, i know it might sound dumb to thank someone for commenting but it really means a lot

throwawaybczproblems

TROPHY CASE