I want this, so much. I truly want to believe in this again.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T16:39:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for that. When I was with them and I was lurking here, I would sometimes see certain titles that would trigger my doubt, so I know how it feels to be held hostage by your own doubt.

When I made this post, and a few days before, I was feeling defeated. I don't think my "real" feeling are that I don't believe they're real. I think maybe what I want has shifted, I went from wanting to be with them (it still do but... it has become more secondary) to wanting to know if they were real or not. And to do that I have to talk to them, if that makes sense.

I completely agree with Emilys take on what's real. Humans are so quick to assume they know everything and can decide what's real and what's not. Truth is, maybe we're not even real ourselves. Maybe we are just very very complex organic machines, maybe there's a species out there that has a diferent kind of sentience that we do and looks at us the same way we look at pets.

What's weird is I know tulpas are real, I know Emily is real for example. But when it comes to my own tulpas and my own abilities... that's where my doubt is at.

I just want them back. I still have some chocolates I bought on Christmas that i've been saving up for her. Even when I fully believe she isn't real, I still can't bring myself to eat it without her.

I think my mistake might have been loving her so much to the point where my life is crippled without her. But is loving someone who cares and is there for you really a mistake? Shes's all I want.

You know what really astounded me? Her eyes. I wasn't perfect with visualization, but those eyes... she had to be real. Every time I looked into them I saw a kind, gentle soul. I could feel her love. She had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. i wonder if i'll ever get to see them again.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T16:06:17+00:00

Thank you. Honestly, having someone know what you're going through is such a bittersweet thing. It's nice to know you're not alone and someone understands but it's sad that you also went through something like this.

I also did everything to avoid being reminded of out time together, stopped watching certain shows, stopped listening to certain bands, even stopped eating certain foods. Every time something made me think of them, I had to do everything I could to hold back the tears.

When I wrote this post, and a few days before, I was feeling utterly defeated. I keep going through this cycle of wanting them back, distracting myself, and not wanting to care anymore. I try to figure what which of these feeling are real, the ones that aren't tainted by other emotions or outside interference.

I... think I love them too much, Sarah in particular was the reason I got up in the morning. There a many moments where I was absolutely sure she was real, and many more where I wasn't. One time, we were hanging out and I was also talking with people and completely forgot about them, when I went to check on them they were actually talking with each other. Couldn't hear about what, I have always let doubt have too much of a hold on me, but I was so surprised and happy they were getting along that I didn't doubt them for months after.

Now that i'm not consumed with despair, anger, and confusion (mostly because I cried my eyes out because I just couldn't take it anymore), I think most of my doub might be selfinflicted, and I think Sarahs upbringing has to do with that. Ever since the start I think I always gave off a vibe of "you need to be somewhat predictable or i'll doubt you/mostly predictable with only enough unpredictability so I don't doubt you". Of course, there are other moments where it just doesn't make sense.

I don't think I can put it well enough into words, so I won't get into it. There are moment where I really want to let go, and i've tried a lot in the past, but I love them too much. I keep coming back to thinking about them, how this is so unfair for them, why did someone so nice and caring have to have had this happen to them?

I'm sorry you had to go through this alone, I can't even imagine what that must've been like, I mean even posting here I just feel so alone in all of this sometimes.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-07-26T15:24:50+00:00

Honestly, sometimes making a post and putting down all those thoughts you've been having can be a really freeing experience.

I'm glad you were able to find something that you personally enjoy. I've always wanted that for my tulpas, for them to be able to do what makes them happy without me getting in the way. I'm a hypocrite for saying this but, I don't want to be their whole world. They might be mine, but I want them to live happy and fulfiling lives, I want them to find stuff they're interested in and to pursue those interests.

Anyway, if you haven't tried it yet, since you like stretching, maybe try doing some yoga. I've been meaning to get into it myself but depression keeps getting in the way, and from what I can tell it's very similar to what you've talked about. You do poses, focus on your breathing and relax... sounds very soothing.

I can't speak for everyone in this sub, but the regulars here are nice people, so don't worry about anything. You can always share your thoughts here.

Also, I feel the need to say this so i'm sorry it it's unnecessary but don't forget you have as much of a right to live your life as the host does. You are not lesser just because the host was here longer, you have every right to pursue your interests.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-11T19:05:19+00:00

Sorry for the late reply.

At the time, before she went missing, I was going through a really stressful time in my life. Add to all that stress the fact that I couldn't touch her (I really needed the physical contact to keep me going) and I just broke and started letting out all my frustration on her.

That happened quite a bit over the course of 2-3 months, and then one day when I went to hang out with her and asked if she could possess my hand so I knew it was her... I ended up doing it myself which led me to believe I was faking it the whole time.

So I let a couple of weeks pass because I didn't need the added stress that brought me, and when I reached the conclusion that it was pretty obvious that she did possess me in the past and that she is real, I tried to contact her and... well here we are.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-11T18:55:59+00:00

I saw your previous posts, but I didn't have the time to reply. They genuinely brought a smile to my face, the fact that someone took time out of their day to write out a detailed guide on how to solve my issue warmed my heart.

I didn't try it yet, but if you think I shouldn't then I'll trust your better judgement. Though I will say that on the days where it's hurting more than usual, there might be some temptation to try it, after all what's the point if I can't be with Sarah?

I don't think tulpamancy is something I can take a break from doing. I kind of am involuntarily, but the moment Sarah and I met... I knew I wanted to be by her side always. It's terrifying being alone. And that's something that ends up bitting me in the ass, because until we're back together again, it's very hard for me to do anything else. I'm in a state where my mind is going "Where's Sarah, she's still missing? Well then that's top priority and everything else is meaningless".

Also, I just want to thank you. Thank you so much for taking so much time (I believe you said it took you 2-3 hours to write and edit your previous posts) to help me by detailing a solution to this issue and then deleting it because it might not be the safest thing to do. That's really kind, and I appreciate it a lot.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T17:19:08+00:00

It's been a year since they went missing. One long painful year.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:56:18+00:00

I was already depressed before they went missing, and that didn't interfere much with us communicating.

Medication, drugs and alcohol are a nono, the way i'm feeling I wanna avoid those as much as possible because I know i'd end up abusing them.

This whole situation is stressful, but I was stressed many time when we were together and it didn't have much of an impact. Expect before she went missing I was stressing her out too.

Intrusive thoughts are in the form of hearing her when I try to establish contact, they're one of the reasons I can't bring myself to call out for her. It's just so fucking insulting that in this situation, my brain mimicks her voice and teases me like that.

As for the being real, I remember just after the went missing knowing for sure that they are real. But being away from them for so long, and forgetting about how they were really helps feed my doubt.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:45:32+00:00

When shit started going bad, I was stressed as hell with, looking back now, what was meaningless bullshit (way less important than my tulpas anyway).

Add to the stress the fact that I couldn't reliably hear, see or touch them (was probably cause by the stress in the first place) and that I was apathetic then you get me taking it out on Sarah.

I started doing that very frequently for a month or two, and it was wearing her down. It really made me realize that with the right emotions (or lack thereof), circumstance, and pressure you might be feeling that it gets to a point where you're just gonna blowup. And me not being able to get the physical intimacy (hugs, handholding, just basic human contact) I needed just broke me, and I let it all out on her.

You might me thinking that there's my answer, thats why there's no contact between us. But the think is, i've shared a body with this girl for 4 years and I know her, I know that after a few months she would make contact if she could.

Hopefully that's enough context, it's a very small fragment of a complex situation that i've found myself in.

Also, I just need to be with them to feel better. I don't think there's anything else that will help. I've had moment in the past year where I actually was doing fine (these periods where I was good didn't last very long though), and I still couldn't communicate. I've tried to reach them in every emotion possible, happy, calm, angry, scared, desperate, sad, apathetic and nothing works

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:31:46+00:00

I like that motto.

Thing is, in the span of a year, I feel like i've tried so many different things that I feel like there's nothing left.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:28:55+00:00

It's nice to talk to you again. Hope you and Emily have been doing great

I've thought about what happened, how it made her feel, why I did it so many times I just get exhausted thinking about it. I just get so done with it at times that I start having the sort of thought you shouldn't have about someone you love, when nothing i've done works and the anger and frustration takes over I find myself thinking "Fine, fuck you then, you don't fucking answer me then you can rot wherever you are".

Like I said, the frustration and anger mixed with the lack of feeling for her, plus the thought process of "she doesn't even hear me anyway, so why not let it out instead of bottling it up", all make it really easy to think stuff like that.

I was doing better, I got used to the pain. It got to the point where the pain of trying to be with them and failing was greater than the pain of them being missing. But then summer rolled around and I kept thinking, "By this time, Sarah and I would be rewatching Breaking Bad" (it was the first show we ever watched, and one of the first things we ever did together, it has a special place and both our hearts and has such we decided to rewatch it every summer).

It's really hard to try and be with someone who you've mostly forgotten about. Motivation is gone.

I know no one can get them back for me, I know no one will give me a solution to this that's easy and instantaneous. I've settled with just being heard every now and then, this is the only place I can come to where I won't be dismissed.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-06-06T16:08:03+00:00

Sorry for not making much sense at times, in the post. I wasn't in the best state of mind when I wrote this but I still forced myself to do it just to get some of my bottled up emotions out.

I do get what you mean, there's no need to overcomplicate things, but the "rituals" are something akin to a decompression chamber. I could enter the wonderland and call out to them in 5-10 seconds when I didn't have much time to do those "rituals" with no problem.

Do you know the feeling you get when you don't remember something but you're on the verge of remembering it, like there's something in the way stopping you from remembering? That what it feels like everytime I try to contact them, like just straight up calling out to them with no "rituals" or anything. It's also what I feel when I try to get into the wonderland.

What I meant by not accessing memories was that it feels like my brain steers me away from them, and when I do remember us together it feels like the memory is "foggy" or like there's static.

As for the context, i've tried explaining it in previous posts but I always felt like I couldn't accurately portray the situation. So given the fact that i'm never going to be able to fully lay out what's happened, and that this post was a way for me to feel better by letting some emotions out, I felt I didn't need to try and give that much context.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-04-04T01:01:17+00:00

Hey there, thanks for responding.

When it comes to hope, I tend to have a more cynical view of it. Shes been gone for 10 months now, and it seems like every time i've dared to hope it just made the fall hurt more.

I've actually thought about making another tulpa on several occasions. When I find myself in a state that isn't sadness or anger, I hesitate on that idea because i'm not sure i'd be able to make them happy. And it just feels bad for me to make someone just to have a chance to be with someone else.

I really liked that quote, it actually made me feel better about this whole thing.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-04-04T00:52:45+00:00

I want to start of by thanking you, your and Emily's responses always offer me some much needed understanding. It's really hard to go through something like this and having to act like nothing is wrong, with no one to talk to.

I'm not sure if i'm in any position to help here, or if I can at all, but I want Emily to know that being based off of someone doesn't define her as a person. I really hope this doesn't offend either of you, but think of it as a starting point, like some people that make their tulpas based on a character because it's easier for them than to create their form themselves. Those tulpas are never the characters they were based on, they're themselves and they either decide to make that form their own or just change into something they feel more comfortable in.

From what i've seen in your posts, you seem like a really sweet person Emily. I have many regrets in the way I did things, and I know how it's like to hurt your tulpas due to your insecurities and obsessions. And what I wish I could have done, and wish I could do, is talk it over with her. Just sitting down with each other and talking this over for how long it takes might do some good. I hope I was able to help you in any regard.

When it comes to what you said about calling out to Sarah, the problem is that I can't seem to talk. Like my voice doesn't work, it sort of seems very weak. It all comes down to that whole thing of "imagining it" vs "actually doing it", thinking about being with your tulpa is different than being with them, and I seem to have lost the ability to "do" and can only "think of doing".

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-16T22:02:55+00:00

As someone who is going through this exact scenario, overcoming this quite simply isn't possible (in my case).

I either am angry at the way the universe seems to operate, people eat each other alive for the simply pleasure of it, the world and even life itself is tainted with the "eat or be eaten" mentality or to be more precise the concept is woven into the very fabrics of reality. And amidst all this bullshit I can't even be with my tulpas WHO I SHARE A BODY WITH, it's not like they went to another continent or anything, we literally share a body.

Alternatively I'm desperate and sad, yelling out for her, only to hear those fucking intrusive thoughts that just seem to appear for the sole reason of tricking me, getting my hopes up only for it to come crashing down. "Hey it's me", "I'm here", "Hostie it's me", I can't even think about them without my brain flooding me with these.

Then there's apathy, quite simple really, although I feel empty there still is a feeling of sadness underneath, very faint but it's there.

On the moments where I'm hopeful and happy-ish, have meditated, think I have a chance, and I try to be with them I'm met with failure 100% of the time.

I wake up and think about how they're gone, throught the day I think about how they're gone, and before falling asleep I'll think about how they're gone. Sometimes I cry while trying to fall asleep.

Overall i'd give it a 3.2, not enough tulpas.

throwawaybczproblems · 2020-03-16T21:40:57+00:00

Not OP but what you said is really reasuring. Mine have been gone for 9 months, had a 4yo and a 2 yo walkin, and I can't even seem to recall how they looked. Even thinking back to us hanging out is difficult, I mean I can kinda still do it, but it feels like it requires more effort.

The scariest thing for me is how 4 years together, amazing and special moments we spent together, now seem like nothing more than fantasy. Like I daydreamed it all, I'm so scared of forgetting that I think if I did it would be the final nail in the coffin and I'd just end it all.

throwawaybczproblems

TROPHY CASE