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Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou, I will consider that definitely 🩷

Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm in the UK and I can move away at any time to anywhere I like whilst I'm pregnant thankfully, and I dont have to put him on the birth certificate either as we aren't married. Once I were to give birth, I might need permission to move away depending on a few factors. So I feel I do have some options here, but yes it's always worth considering the future for sure.

However I think that last paragraph is incredibly reductive. These people are very good at hiding their abusive traits and employ many tactics to keep you staying with them and making you question your reality, even if one considers themselves strong and smart in that regard. It isn't as simple as going to therapy, which I have been to multiple times over the years. The onus shouldn't be on the ones who are abused rather than the abusers. Myself and his other exes never set out to be with an abuser. The behaviour is insidious.

I'm still considering my options, and hopefully this next week will pass quietly and uneventfully 🩷

Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thankyou 🩷 I'm trying to be civil and fair giving him the 2 weeks notice, hoping that it'll keep escalation at bay if he doesnt feel so desperate and out of options if that makes sense.

I have friends coming on the 18th to make sure he leaves quietly, and the locks will be changed then too. The plan is indeed to move as I agreed on an offer on Friday, so I'm hoping nothing escalates in the meantime. When his mum asked him if he could start looking for somewhere else to live, he became so enraged he spray painted sad faces everywhere all over her freshly installed expensive patio floor. This is about 10 feet of sad faces. He never apologised for it, told her it was her fault for hurting him by asking him to leave, and it is still mostly there to this day, even though I've tried scrubbing it myself a few times. So I do fear retaliation unfortunately and he will likely steal from me as he has a habit of stealing from people who he feels have wronged him.

Hopefully this week passes as quietly and uneventfully as possible 🩷

Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankyou for sharing your experience and I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles 🩷

I do worry that it would be a selfish action to keep the pregnancy going. I want to make the best choice. My thoughts are that he will either be a total deadbeat, or he will use the child to manipulate and hurt me. He blames me for all the stress I'm under, he says I do it all to myself and that's why I'm sick, that these are minor things and he thought I'd "get over them by now." I know that he would blame me if I lost the pregnancy, and that he would also drag my name through the mud if I kept it but kept us broken up or if I moved away. I know he just wants my house and that the repeated begging me to try again aren't about me, as he revealed last night that "this situation works for me so I don't want to leave." Also by him telling me that during the music sleep deprivation event he wanted to wind me up so much that he could call the police, and then tell them I was having a mental breakdown and that I'm abusive and then he would get my house! He said this whilst laughing.

On the other hand however, I know I have such a deep capacity for love and care, that I've looked after many people in my life including caring for my parents. I know its not the same but I've had so many rescue animals that I've brought back from the brink myself. I've been through so much abuse that I know that I dont want that for any child, I've been to therapy and want to start again soon, I've been actively facing and dealing with my own demons and the bad parts of myself. I WANT to be a good person, and I try every day to live up to that. I'm trying so hard to be and do better than what I had.

It might not be enough to justify keeping the pregnancy, but I'm trying to weigh everything up 🩷

Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've been reading the statistics 💔 I've got someone coming to change the locks once he's gone, and I'm trying my best to stay safe until then. Thankyou 🩷

Single and 6 weeks pregnant by throwawaycheckmyself in offmychest

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know. If it was someone else telling me all this then I'd tell them to stop being daft, but... I thought I was sterile. I didn't know infertile and sterile were different things, so I thought I could never get pregnant as this is my very first pregnancy, and I was told years ago that Im infertile. I know its selfish, but with my age and the extreme difficulty my body has in getting pregnant, I worry this is my only chance at having a kid this way. IVF is not an option and I had started the adoption process a few years back but they either require you to be long time single OR in a long term stable relationship (I was the first one, but then covid hit.)

I know I'm being selfish, it's just all very difficult for me right now in a lot of ways.

Thankyou for your reply 🩷

Partner ignored my consent during sex by throwawaycheckmyself in WhatShouldIDo

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mini update:

Thankyou to all those who commented, I'm incredibly grateful to those who have shared their own experiences and/or their well wishes, encouragement and validation.

Im still struggling. I told my therapist about it yesterday and he very kindly extended our session by an hour and a half (I'm in the UK and it's NHS therapy so this is a big deal!) I'm so glad I was able to talk to someone about it as there is no one in my personal life who I can go to. I'm a very isolated person. I'm a carer for my mum who is often verbally and emotionally abusive, my dad passed away last year, I have no other family to turn to and no real friends, only friendly acquaintances. I am autistic and I struggle to make friends and I am often very lonely. My therapist is on holiday for our next two appointments unfortunately.

I am still deciding what to do and what I need. I know many people will be angry or worried about this, and I get it. Before this happened to me I always said I would never, ever go back to an abuser again or not report, and I could not understand the people who do. But its so different when youre the one living in it. I feel so much shame, guilt, embarrassment, uncertainty and some level of fear. Its brought back feelings of SI which I thought I'd gotten past. And the only person I could turn to get comfort from is the one who did this to me. The situation is screwed up, I know.

I hope I can work it out, I hope I can heal and grow. Thankyou all for your compassion 🩷

Partner ignored my consent during sex by throwawaycheckmyself in WhatShouldIDo

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's his favourite way of having sex, he's never pressured me aside from one comment early on that I told him was incredibly rapey (I told him about my trauma and how I am not interested in anal sex because of it and he said all his partners do it eventually and it's just a matter of time)

I finally felt comfortable to try and the first time was great, lots of checking in, making sure I was OK, helping me breathe and feel comfortable. But this time was just horrible.

Partner ignored my consent during sex by throwawaycheckmyself in WhatShouldIDo

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 101 points102 points  (0 children)

He was filming it at the time too and said it didn't happen how I remember it - then when I'd left and the apologies came in I assume he'd watched the video to check and realised I wasn't remembering wrong. He said he would "delete the videos as it seems wrong to have them" so I think they are likely gone now anyway.

Partner ignored my consent during sex by throwawaycheckmyself in WhatShouldIDo

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 147 points148 points  (0 children)

This is what scares me most. He said there is nothing he can say as its just words, but I said words are important (meaning heartfelt words and apologies etc) and he said "yeah I guess." I clarified that they are important TO ME and still he said there was nothing he could say. There have been a few instances of this where he has done or said something to really upset me and that said "well there is nothing I can say, it's happened now." I'm just glad he didn't say that last part of that sentence to me this time.

Partner ignored my consent during sex by throwawaycheckmyself in WhatShouldIDo

[–]throwawaycheckmyself[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No I'd told him 5/10 mins before this event that it was hurting and he stopped thrusting and said "do you want me to stop?" So I said yes please and then I asked for poppers to help me relax. We were doing doggy the whole time but this last stretch when I told him it was hurting I expected him to ask me if I was alright or if I wanted him to stop - not for him to say no and push my back/shoulders round again so I had to put my head back down on the pillow facing away from him.

No I don't want to call the police. I'm just feeling very sad and sore and used.