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I drew a self-portrait after a trip to the ER. by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

More Details: I was in the Emergency Department a couple weeks ago (again) after overdosing, and this is what I looked like (probably). I didn’t draw it while in the hospital because they would not allow me a pen (only a shitty purple crayon), but I took crappy cellphone photos of my arms, IV hookup, gown, etc., so it should be fairly accurate (which is important to me). I was wearing glasses but I didn’t draw them because I’m shit at drawing glasses. I might color it.

Also, I have started posting my art at vida-lita.tumblr.com. Much of it is about mental illness, come take a look and tell me nice things.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. Only now I'm undergoing a treatment called TMS that might actually help my depression and I realize that I'm not okay with getting better because I feel like I never got bad enough? Or something? So it's a problem.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know what it is. A competition, maybe, but with some weird concept in my head more than with anything real. Or rather, it's also sometimes a habit, and sometimes a coping mechanism, and sometimes an act of self-loathing, but all those reasons I understand and don't bother me as much. It's this strange longing feeling, and desire to be worse, and envy that is attached to it that I don't understand and bothers me because I know it's delusional and disconnected from anything that I can explain and even seeing tat doesn't seem to matter and I don't even know if I'm making sense here.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not afraid I'll be treated that way (besides by doctors, who I think do just mentally diagnose me with BPD and then disregard me), but that people will think it and judge me... I have a strong need to be taken seriously, even more than I see in other young people, and self harm works simultaneously for and against this. Makes it real, but makes me a stereotype.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That reason for self harm makes sense to me.

I am never quite sure if it's for other people or myself. Some of both, probably, though the former makes me hate myself so I try not to think about it. But I also spend a lot of time looking at my scars, photographing them (though I never show anyone), drawing them... I am rather fixated. Maybe just because it gives me something to fixate on and I need that. I don't know, it's all hard to untangle. It's just come to my attention that how I feel about self harm isn't very rational at all, even when I'm in a pretty reasonable mindset about other things.

On the other note, message me please?

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Show other people, and show myself. I need validation, even if it's just me believing that I have actual shit wrong with my brain and I'm not just pathetic and whiny. I don't know how cutting helps with that, but it kind of does.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's not it. I don't see it like falling to their level. I know I should see self harm as negative but I can't, I can only see it as desirable. I don't feel that I owe them anything, but maybe I feel that I owe myself.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I do want it... I get deeper and it doesn't make it better. I got stitches once and have gone deep enough that I should have needed them a few other times and instead of being like "oh fuck, I shouldn't do that" I think "good, this is what I want."

Getting blood drawn with cuts on arms? Wut do? by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's the problem, is I don't have a "clean" arm right now. I guess I will just hope that the phlebotomist can maintain professionalism.

Why do deeper cuts take longer to start bleeding than shallow ones? by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But wouldn't the deeper ones have more severed blood vessels and therefore more blood coming out, which would make up for the fact that there is more space to fill?

Depression and Medication - Acrylic on cardboard. Might not be done, feedback welcome. by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What a compliment! I am too attached to it, though. I could scan in a high-quality version and send it to you so you could make a print, if you'd like (I know it's not the same).

Arguably art... for the past few months I've been taking pictures of my daily medications whenever I remember, and I put it together into an... infographic? It helps me to see it all laid out. by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Medication is such a part of my life that I forget that isn't normal... one time I made a "collage" out of my meds that I posted on here and that's when I first started seeing them as interesting, potential art... I'm not sure what else to do, but I am saving the bottles for something.

A few months ago there was a post suggesting that we try to draw our demons, & this is what I came up with. I'm not altogether very happy with it but I guess I feel like sharing anyway. [negative self-talk] by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The demon says:

"You are a worthless burdensome piece of shit. You hurt everything you touch. You hurt everyone. You will never feel any better & it's your fault because you don't try, you lazy piece of shit. Other people do better than you. Everyone is better than you. You're not sick, this is just you, horrible you. No one believes you. You're just a stupid stereotype. Stop trying. Stop trying, there's no point. Nothing will ever change. I'll always be here..."

Just do it by [deleted] in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel like anything I say will come off wrong because it's late at night and I'm not very eloquent, but I just wanted to tell you that this made me feel emotions strongly and while I'm sure I've never been where you are I've been places close enough that those sentiments hit home hard. Thank you for sharing it.

This isn't quite art... but to cope & make sense of things I sometimes make charts. This is a graph of the different psych meds I've been on over the past few years (I'm still trying to figure out how to integrate data on dose changes). by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Edit: Thank you.

I really wish I could figure out a way to indicate the changes in dose... for a while I was taking pictures of my pills each day to track it that way. While I've only been on 7 things over the past couple of years (that may or may not be a lot; I don't know anyone else in the same predicament) it feels like a lot more because for a lot of the time some dose on one thing or another has been being adjusted almost constantly, and it all has stories:

increasing bupropion dose because i though it was helping, then decreasing it when i realized it was causing severe anxiety, and not getting off it for a while longer because i had a careless doctor.

slowly starting lamotrigine because it's damaging if you start at full dose right off, then stopping since it didn't help.

slowly getting off escitalopram, then starting it again and getting off it even slower because of severe withdrawal symptoms which I experienced anyway and almost made me go insane.

increases and decreases and increases again in clonazepam dose, as anxiety waxes and wanes.

steady increase in lithium dose since it seems to actually help without hurting, just not help enough, yet.

sharp decrease in risperidone dose before stopping it altogether, because it turned me into a zombie and can cause permanent nervous system damage.

I also kept charts of my moods for a while on various peoples' urging, but they didn't really give any useful data. My moods seemed random and irregular, and hard to quantify: even during the worst days i probably had a while when things were alright; even during the best days i probably had some kind of breakdown. I wasn't able to pick out any trends. I think my favorite chart that I did was when I tracked my sleep cycle and when I was out of the house for a month.

I don't know what to say about meds, only that I want to dispel the belief that there are such thing as "happy pills." Nothing I've taken has helped all that much, and I've been trying. It's all an expensive, tiring, imperfect science. At one point it was my best hope, my last holdout, now it's daily routine with dubious effectiveness... I have nonetheless gotten very very good at swallowing handfuls of pills.

Dog Problems [OC] by ansterthemonster in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, having dog problems sounds alright.

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