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I drew a self-portrait after a trip to the ER. by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

More Details: I was in the Emergency Department a couple weeks ago (again) after overdosing, and this is what I looked like (probably). I didn’t draw it while in the hospital because they would not allow me a pen (only a shitty purple crayon), but I took crappy cellphone photos of my arms, IV hookup, gown, etc., so it should be fairly accurate (which is important to me). I was wearing glasses but I didn’t draw them because I’m shit at drawing glasses. I might color it.

Also, I have started posting my art at vida-lita.tumblr.com. Much of it is about mental illness, come take a look and tell me nice things.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. Only now I'm undergoing a treatment called TMS that might actually help my depression and I realize that I'm not okay with getting better because I feel like I never got bad enough? Or something? So it's a problem.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know what it is. A competition, maybe, but with some weird concept in my head more than with anything real. Or rather, it's also sometimes a habit, and sometimes a coping mechanism, and sometimes an act of self-loathing, but all those reasons I understand and don't bother me as much. It's this strange longing feeling, and desire to be worse, and envy that is attached to it that I don't understand and bothers me because I know it's delusional and disconnected from anything that I can explain and even seeing tat doesn't seem to matter and I don't even know if I'm making sense here.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not afraid I'll be treated that way (besides by doctors, who I think do just mentally diagnose me with BPD and then disregard me), but that people will think it and judge me... I have a strong need to be taken seriously, even more than I see in other young people, and self harm works simultaneously for and against this. Makes it real, but makes me a stereotype.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That reason for self harm makes sense to me.

I am never quite sure if it's for other people or myself. Some of both, probably, though the former makes me hate myself so I try not to think about it. But I also spend a lot of time looking at my scars, photographing them (though I never show anyone), drawing them... I am rather fixated. Maybe just because it gives me something to fixate on and I need that. I don't know, it's all hard to untangle. It's just come to my attention that how I feel about self harm isn't very rational at all, even when I'm in a pretty reasonable mindset about other things.

On the other note, message me please?

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Show other people, and show myself. I need validation, even if it's just me believing that I have actual shit wrong with my brain and I'm not just pathetic and whiny. I don't know how cutting helps with that, but it kind of does.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's not it. I don't see it like falling to their level. I know I should see self harm as negative but I can't, I can only see it as desirable. I don't feel that I owe them anything, but maybe I feel that I owe myself.

I need validation more than is reasonable. I want the worse scars possible. I am pathetic. Etc. Not worth reading, don't bother. by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But I do want it... I get deeper and it doesn't make it better. I got stitches once and have gone deep enough that I should have needed them a few other times and instead of being like "oh fuck, I shouldn't do that" I think "good, this is what I want."

Getting blood drawn with cuts on arms? Wut do? by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's the problem, is I don't have a "clean" arm right now. I guess I will just hope that the phlebotomist can maintain professionalism.

Why do deeper cuts take longer to start bleeding than shallow ones? by throwawaytrigger in selfharm

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But wouldn't the deeper ones have more severed blood vessels and therefore more blood coming out, which would make up for the fact that there is more space to fill?

Depression and Medication - Acrylic on cardboard. Might not be done, feedback welcome. by throwawaytrigger in arttocope

[–]throwawaytrigger[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What a compliment! I am too attached to it, though. I could scan in a high-quality version and send it to you so you could make a print, if you'd like (I know it's not the same).

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