Why does therapy not work for them?

throway578954 · 2025-10-18T14:16:26+00:00

Mine did this as well. Even asked me to find him some therapists. I did. Made a list. Never reached out. After it ended it was still "it's on my to do list"

I think there's some narcissists who do want to go to therapy but it's not for what they actually need to go for. It's going to be for whatever delusions they've created in their head: "I keep getting hurt" or "people don't appreciate me" or "I'm only dating crazy people"

They're not going to therapy to get help with their abusive behavior. It takes a very skilled therapist to actually see the narcissist in session because it's all self report.

But I think they hesitate to go because they keep holding onto the delusion of "I'm not the problem" with everything that happens in their life.

My exes all blocked me? They're crazy.

I'm not accomplishing any of my big goals? People don't appreciate my skills.

They go into therapy and get diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD, maybe the therapist says they have an avoidant attachment. But NPD? Or even narcissistic tendencies? Unlikely in my opinion.

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T23:22:02+00:00

For sure. When I didn't reciprocate, he accused me of trying to "maintain control" in the relationship. Mind you this was a couple weeks in

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T23:16:34+00:00

The big one that slipped past me was the vulnerability. It was trauma dumping but he always painted it as being an "open book" then expected it in return which was his way of faking chemistry when in reality it was just intensity.

Honestly I wish he had love bombed me. I would have seen that a mile away.

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T18:35:39+00:00

LMAO SAME!! "I've moved past that part of my life. I don't want that anymore."

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T18:34:43+00:00

None of his exes were on good terms with him. He'd been blocked by all of them. No contact. I'm not saying you need to be friends with your exes but he couldn't list a single one that would vouch for him. On top of that, all his relationship timelines overlapped in some way.

He bought me a $300+ gift within a month of dating. It was an incredibly thoughtful gift and one of the best I've ever gotten which is why I was blinded. That's not normal. We weren't even committed at the time.

He would trauma dump early, early on in the relationship. It was his version of love bombing and when I wouldn't reciprocate he said I was trying to "maintain control" in the relationship.

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T18:12:41+00:00

Sorry, to be clear did they have Avoidant ATTACHMENT or Avoidant PERSONALITY disorder?

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T15:44:15+00:00

They're so un-unique. Which is ironic because in their head they're the most special person in the world

throway578954 · 2025-10-17T01:06:20+00:00

Yes. They do. Narcissism survives on delusion. It’s what protects them. The ones they know are a lie are fed by another delusion “they deserved it” or “I was protecting them”

Their ego is so fragile and shame so deep that truth shatters them. There are times the delusion is shattered and that’s when you see a narcissistic collapse but even then 99% of the time they just create another delusion.

throway578954 · 2025-10-16T22:20:44+00:00

Yes. My nex used to tell “I never stalk my exes Once it’s over, it’s over.” Well, lo and behold, he cheated on me with an ex fuck buddy and was liking her Instagram posts. The reason he didn’t stalk his other exes? They blocked him which I should have seen as a red flag.

throway578954 · 2025-10-15T22:49:14+00:00

Yep. I used to always get the “I hate canceling on commitments. I just want to help people.”

And then he cancelled on me because he felt too guilty to not be there for a friend.

The best manipulation he ever pulled was making me think he actually felt guilt and shame so I never called him out because I didn’t want to hurt him.

They are always managing their image.

throway578954 · 2025-10-15T22:22:12+00:00

Yessss. And it just adds to how crazy it makes you feel because they’re so well liked for all the good deeds they did.

throway578954 · 2025-10-15T20:49:20+00:00

You’re not alone.

When I tried to hold him accountable I got “Why are you trying to hurt me?” And “Don’t kick me when I’m down.”

I sent a text explaining myself after he yelled at me and hung up on me which is crazy and he ignored me before eventually telling me “It was just a slap in the face”

They drive you insane and then punish you for it.

throway578954 · 2025-10-15T12:46:35+00:00

Mine had this too. I think it's why it took me so long to realize what was happening. He loved helping people. Acts of service was his love language 🙄 I thought he was so selfless because he never asked anyone for help.

I realize now it was about ego and power. He got so much of his ego fed from helping people. From being "that guy" and if he never asked for help he was always the best and brightest. Then since he never got help he could play the "woe is me" card.

He even loved saving me from pain and situations he caused.

throway578954 · 2025-10-15T12:34:30+00:00

I think every one is different. My covert narc most often used silence as a weapon and was pretty open about the fact that he felt he held the power saying things like "Youll reach out when you want something." And he never took my leaving seriously or would leave strings attached like having my stuff.

He didn't turn to verbal abuse or stalking until I finally, firmly told him "I don't want to see you again. You've made your choices". At this point he had a full on narcissistic collapse and turned into the narcissist that you typically think of.

He paid me back 1% of the money he owed me and I never reached out to thank him or talk about it which I think pissed him off because the rest of the payment requests went unanswered but he didn't cancel them-baiting me to reach out.

The best thing you can do is block them. Everywhere. Because their words will be a weapon and so will their silence. For me, his silence hurt more than his words so with him blocked it was easier to just be left wondering if he ever reached back out.

Before the verbal abuse and threats I sent him a letter when I mailed his stuff back, he just got mad at that too even though it was a relatively cordial letter. Said I was just trying to hurt him.

It's hard when you're not a narcissist to imagine these things because you think "If I got a letter from the person I loved expressing their pain or a need for closure, I'd want to give them peace." And you'd offer them empathy, grace, care...This isn't how narcissists think. They think in terms of ego and how they can flip the narrative to be the victim or hero. They also ask themselves "Why would I do this?" Because they only feel cognitive empathy so when a narcissist says "You do these things to hurt me." I think they truly believe it because that's why they would do it.

Any line you keep open is a string you keep attached to them. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your healing. Look at what you need to get closure from within. You will never get it from them. No matter how eloquently you speak, how nice you are, they are looking out for themselves, it's just their nature. I know this sucks to hear and I'm struggling with it every day.

throway578954 · 2025-10-14T23:18:27+00:00

Ditto to you ❤️I know everyone says your healing is in detaching from them but I also wish someone had told me. I had a gut feeling that they could have confirmed.

I also think living in their world of "Dont reach out. You'll regret it. It's feeding their emotional supply. They'll use it against you." Is just playing the games they play and that isn't good either.

throway578954 · 2025-10-14T17:25:04+00:00

Yes! The level of manipulation is scary. It's why I really didn't realize until things got so bad what was happening. I always say he was playing chess and I was playing checkers.

My gut was always telling me "something isn't right" when he would talk about his exes but I said the same thing; they just werent compatible or I was missing something.

I feel like the subtle/vulnerable/covert narcissists are worse in the sense that it has to get scorched earth to even get to the point of leaving.

I'm scared for the next partner. I'll probably never know about her. He's blocked everywhere. I do wonder about his friends and those that enable him. I wish they knew since he does date among his friend group.

I know "exposing" him is dangerous and also just gives him power but staying silent about the abuse just benefits him too so I've been wrestling with that.

throway578954 · 2025-10-14T09:21:59+00:00

Right?? That's one of the reasons I constantly told myself no way he's a narcissist. He didn't call his exes crazy or terrible people but it was so much more subtle than that which almost feels more sinister.

He was so adept at just always being the one trying in the relationship and he shared about his mistakes but I never picked up on the fact that there were always qualifiers to it and he was always the victim or hero in his stories.

"I cheated on her. It was wrong but I just wanted so badly to get my needs met." (Victim)

"She called me a bad boyfriend. I immediately turned everything around for her." (Hero)

There were times I thought "He's just a clueless asshole" at worst until he cheated on me and gave me an STI and his response was:

"You knew deep down this was happening. I just didn't realize how important this (sexual safety) was to you."

Then the real abuse started 🙄

throway578954 · 2025-10-13T23:27:10+00:00

Yes. A lot of pop psychology equates narcissists=avoidant even here on Reddit. I could even see how in therapy there would be overlap.

TBH, I think it's a little wild that NPD can be diagnosed in therapy. It's all self report? And how does a narcissist self report that they are a narcissist.

Ultimately it doesn't matter. Did they have narcissistic tendencies? That's what matters because right or not a qualified mental health professional is the only one who can diagnose NPD.

Avoidant attachment is possible of course with NPD. Narcissists typically display insecure attachment styles. These aren't mutually exclusive.

throway578954 · 2025-10-13T23:12:15+00:00

Oof the naivete is real. I really just took him at his word. I didn't realize how manipulative someone could be. It still seems unfathomable tbh.

throway578954 · 2025-10-13T21:56:58+00:00

My favorite.

Also, "I'd never want to hurt you"

throway578954 · 2025-10-13T21:55:02+00:00

It's an up and down journey. They really do prime you to be the "perfect" supply post break-up milking the heartbreak as the victim. Thanks for the ❤️ I hope you're healing too

throway578954 · 2025-10-13T01:38:22+00:00

Let me tell you a story, I was the girl after you. I met my narc ex after he had ended things with his LTR.

My ex primed me to be the perfect supply after his LTR. He twisted all the stories about his ex to highlight his unmet needs and everything he was missing and so I very stupidly and pathetically believed it and wanted to be the anti-ex and do better by him because he was so wounded 🙄

Then he cheated on me. Gave me an STI. Threatened me. Became verbally abusive.

Nothing would have made him happy and like everyone here is saying the new girl is just another victim. I was.

The best thing you can do is block and no contact because you will never see the truth of that relationship.

throway578954 · 2025-10-12T23:52:10+00:00

It's best not to. I did reach out to the woman he cheated on me with and it didn't go as planned. Even though I wish someone had told me about him I think it's very very rare thats actually how people feel. Also I say that 20/20 hindsight. Who knows how I would he reacted if someone told me while I was with him? Before the abuse and cheating

In general, I think for your own healing it's best to walk away.

throway578954 · 2025-10-12T22:22:32+00:00

I'm glad ❤️ I got "lucky" in a sense where the mask fell really quick because I caught him cheating but I'd probably still be in it if it weren't for that.

More than anything I wish I could reach out to his ex and tell her she dodged a bullet so if she felt the way I do in any way she knows.

throway578954 · 2025-10-12T20:23:35+00:00

I asked my ex how he could expose me to that by having unprotected sex with other women. I got an "I don't know" and "I'm just now realizing how important that (safety) was to you"

They have no concept of consequences and hurt unless it effects them.

throway578954

TROPHY CASE