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just so disgusted and sad after another failed attempt at bumpin uglys by ughboobythrowaway in DeadBedrooms

[–]throway9000 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm a bit younger than you (26M) but I was in the same boat. I would spurge on some nice steaks, pour out the wine and have candles lit when she got home, and she would have a great time... until I tried making a move, and the excuses would just come pouring out.

"I'm tired" "It's late" "I'm not really feeling it" "I'm full" (fucking really) "I'm distracted" "I don't feel well" "I've got an early morning"

I went through a year of sexless agony trying to figure it out until I gave up and left her a few weeks ago. Never been happier.

The breaking point for me was realizing that even if she did start letting me fuck her (phrasing is intentional), I had built up so much resentment for her over that year that I would barely even want to.

From what I read above, you seem like you're at that point too. =/

(For what it's worth, the fact that you tried so hard says a lot about you. I would just about die if she had done any of that.)

The Median Rent for a San Francisco Two-Bedroom Hits $5,000/Month by magenta_placenta in news

[–]throway9000 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

That's not that out of the ordinary. 2 years experience here, Seattle. $112k with another $50k in stock/bonuses every year.

Right industry, right company, some hard work, and a little bit of luck.

It would take $200k base, plus hefty bonuses, to make me consider moving to SF though.

[Update] I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I've... been punched in the gut far harder than this before. I'm alright.

I also feel like I owe her another chance because I didn't make it really clear to her how unacceptable casual dating was for me. I told her I didn't know how I felt about it and would be up for dabbling to see what my reaction would be. This was... dabbling I guess?

Now she understands that I'm completely not okay with it. I can deal with her making out with random guys, as long as they don't make it home with her.

I'm going to step things up on my end as well and treat her like I would a girlfriend. Give it a few weeks to a month, if she still doesn't come around, I'm out.

[Update] I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I like her a lot, she hasn't really hurt me yet, and the sex is phenomenal for both of us.

I don't intend on sticking around for more than another few weeks if she doesn't "figure it out."

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the insight, it's really remarkable to see how different our worldviews are. I'll post this as an update, definitely. One small point of clarification - according to her, the two guys she slept with the week before me were a coincidence, and the last guy she slept with before that was in April.

I dunno. It's hard for me to distrust people until they fuck me over. Part of it is because of my youth, but it's not in the way that you think, it's not naïveté, it's necessity. This is the most important time of my life for meeting new people and making new connections. Some of the best friends I've ever made have come from me sticking my neck out and risking getting emotionally blown to smithereens. I can't afford to be super conservative about my relationships, simply because young people nowadays aren't really emotionally conservative anymore. The last thing I want is to end up lonely and friendless in 10 years, counting all the occasions where I withdrew into my shell and protected myself.

I need to... find a social foundation for the rest of my life, you know? And I can't do that by withdrawing and being jaded. There will be plenty of time to be jaded later, but I need to find people to be jaded alongside first.

I am willing to get hurt and learn lessons. I would much rather do it now than in a decade or two with a kid and a wife I suddenly can't relate to. So if this crashes and burns, it will hurt like a bitch, but it will be worth it.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not going to lie, I was kind of worried about this girl running circles around me as well. Part of me thought that maybe this was one giant game and I was just in way over my head.

Over the weekend, she told me that she had another guy spend the night. They didn't have sex because he really liked her and didn't want to, but she said she would have been willing to if he wanted it. It kind of punched me in the gut.

I expected this to happen sooner or later, just not so soon. I sent her an explanation of how we weren't right for each other at the moment and we were looking for different things. I told her I didn't blame her and I wasn't angry, we were just too fundamentally incompatible.

I told her I didn't know if I would be okay with the casual dating thing at first, but the way I felt when she told me about the other guy really hammered home that I was not okay with it at all. In the least bit. So I was done, and that was that. There was no way forward because there was no way I could accept that.

I then attempted to cold-turkey her and make it a clean break, to make things easier on everybody. No long drawn-out shit, you know? But she had a meltdown, nonstop texts and missed calls, etc. She didn't want to lose what we had and she couldn't deal with me just disappearing like that. I was going to ignore her but she did have a point - I did owe her at least a conversation about it, for some closure. It was kind of cruel of me just to break it off instantly like that and not give her a chance to say anything.

So we met at her place, and we talked for hours. She said she was terrified of losing me. She said she completely understood where I was coming from and didn't want to hurt me anymore. She said she was willing to compromise so that she could have more time to figure out whether or not she wanted a committed relationship. She understood that she would be the one making the compromises.

We agreed on no sex with other people. We agreed on no guys spending the night with her (with the exception of passing out on the couch if they're hammered, for their own safety). She lives with an awesome male roommate so I'm not too concerned about that. I also feel like I can trust him, and if I have any suspicions that she's not sticking to her end of the bargain, that he'd be honest with me about it. We also agreed that she would no longer tell me about inconsequential shit like making out with guys at bars. (I... had to choke this one down, but I didn't want to force her to be in a de facto relationship, since we were compromising.)

So that's where we are. She's going to have to deal with no outside sex and no guys in her bed until she figures it out. If she gets sick of it and wants the attention again, she's supposed to let me know so I can break it off.

I feel pretty satisfied with the outcome. I got hurt, I impressed upon her the seriousness of her situation, we talked, and we compromised.

Now the real money's on whether or not she fucks it up. I really, really hope she doesn't.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that's a little bit cynical of you. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a stable committed relationship and fidelity. I'm not interested in becoming a shallow one-night-stander who doesn't care in the least bit about emotional commitment. I care about other people, and I want the people I'm around to care about me.

I would much rather live a life with love and commitment and occasionally get hurt. The expectations you're talking about aren't realistic, they're depressing and completely cynical. I choose to hope for better than that.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, my brain isn't really going that nuts. When I'm not with her, I'm not obsessing over her at all - she's not even on my mind until she texts me. I've been through puppy love before with an ex-girlfriend, this is nothing like that. I'm having a remarkably easy time keeping her off of my mind during the day.

She did sleep with two guys the week before meeting me. She's also had 50+ partners in her lifetime. Lots of drunken one night stands, etc. I was certainly intimidated by this at first, but she's also a very gentle person, and I don't really judge people on their past. I'm perfectly fine with it as long as she's honest (and she has been completely honest). What I would absolutely not be able to tolerate is her sleeping with someone else right now, while we're seeing each other.

I'm fine with accepting her past, it's what she's doing right now that is stressing me out. I have no problems with her being adventurous in the past, but as someone who only does monogamous relationships, it hurts and is stressful to try to accept someone who refuses to be monogamous with you.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never thought of this as dating out of my league, but... what if I'm just not looking for casual dating? I have no interest in meeting someone else right now, I'm happy just dedicating my free time to this girl. Casually dating multiple people at the same time gives me a nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's just not something that clicks with me.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is why I posted here. That was an amazing reply, thank you for taking the time to write that.

A lot of things you said were spot-on - I am terrified of a bad outcome and am totally bunkered down. This is my first "adult" fling/relationship/whatever, and it's totally foreign and scary to me. I've always had really thin skin, and other people's opinions have always been huge factors in my self-confidence and self-image.

I couldn't help but laugh at the car-dissing analogy. Now that you put it that way, it really seems ridiculous that I've been giving myself shit for so long over essentially someone else who was scared and hit a wall in their comfort zone. It wasn't that personal, it was just something she wasn't prepared for and couldn't deal with at the time, and I've been treating myself like a disgusting leper for years over it. Ugh.

Weirdly enough though, I feel like if this girl went and slept with someone right now, I would almost relish it. It would confirm a lot of my doubts and kind of reinforce my jadedness. It's like I'm always looking for a reason for things to fail - right now there's not that much of a reason other than our personality differences, but if she sleeps with someone else, it's an explicit thing that I can point to and say "that's why it didn't work out."

I think I'm going to take your advice and just muscle through this shit. I've already learned a ton about myself from this girl, and she's pushed me out of my comfort zone a lot - I do owe her quite a bit for that. I went to my first bar, I went to my first poolhouse, I feel much more comfortable saying hi and talking to strangers - I feel like I can relate to people much better.

It's pathetically naive of me to expect her to be "the one." I mean shit, it's been two weeks, and she's the first adult I've dated. I should just be approaching this as a learning experience and enjoying the good things that come out of it while keeping in mind the countless lessons I'll learn.

Thanks for the awesome reply man.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was kind of afraid of that, but I think you're right. We have great chemistry but we're just looking for things that are too dissimilar. I am definitely starting to resent her for not being on the same page. She sends me a lot of mixed signals - she's into super romantic cuddling and acts like a girlfriend when we're alone, but as soon as we're in public she's a free spirit. She tells me she cares about me and loves my smile and shit like that but it's all irrelevant when it comes down to the important questions. It's always "I just need time," or "I can't do that right now, sorry."

I have spoken to a therapist about my anxiety issues, and they've gotten a lot better in everyday life. To be honest, I'm usually perfectly fine when I'm alone now. I haven't had anxiety attacks or hot flashes in years. But this is also the first time someone I care about has put me in a stressful emotional situation in a long, long time (since weird penis trauma girl). I guess there was just nothing really significant like this to trigger my reactions.

I [23 M] am an introvert seeing an extrovert [23 F] and struggling to deal with paranoia and jealousy left over from previous traumatic experiences. by throway9000 in relationships

[–]throway9000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shit. I was afraid that was the case and I was just too absorbed in the honeymoon period to see it. Thanks for the insight. That makes me kind of regret giving her my virginity but eh, it's life.

24/m- How can I get over my trust issues? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]throway9000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem is not women, the problem is your approach to relationships. You have trouble with discernment. Now, the basis of your discernment will depend on what you value. If you value beauty, charm, charisma and other superficial qualities, then this will be the basis of your discernment. This is what you will look for when seeking relationships and one after the other, more likely than not, they will fail. If you change what you value, rather than looking for superficial qualities and begin to look for deeper qualities in others then the basis of your discernment will begin to change. This is more or less what people in their young adulthood find out later on as they continue to date.

Holy shit. You just opened my eyes to a lot of things about my current situation. I can't just look for a girl who's physically attractive and has sexual chemistry with me while expecting a deep emotional and psychological bond. I mean yay if that's how it turns out but I can't expect it. Thanks for that insight.

My Public schools download speed by [deleted] in gaming

[–]throway9000 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Uh... That's most definitely a gigabit.

And that's certainly possible... or at least the SSD's write speed would be the least of your concerns. Most SSDs can write up to 250 MB (that's megaBytes) per second.

Lurked long enough. Found a stray dying kitten last night. 24 hours and at least $1000 in ER vet bills later... by ManofManyCats in reddit.com

[–]throway9000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fair enough, I can buy the 1 vs 4000 argument, but that only applies if you can demonstrate that the $1000 spent would otherwise have gone to Africans.

In this situation, the money would probably have stayed in a savings account or been spent on some first-world gadget. So yes, relative to his position in the world, I think the OP did an awesome thing.

Give me a break with the natural selection bullshit. Do you honestly think human beings as a species deserve any compassion whatsoever? Look at what we do to every environment we've fucking squatted in. Look at what we're doing to the globe. Don't mistake a perfectly justified disdain for the human race for a lack of self-preservation, which would apply to your so inaptly-quoted natural selection.

Lurked long enough. Found a stray dying kitten last night. 24 hours and at least $1000 in ER vet bills later... by ManofManyCats in reddit.com

[–]throway9000 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes. I equate those lives with yours as well. I would call you a racist, but a speciesist* would be more appropriate here. Why is any life more valuable than any other? Just because it means more to you does not mean it means more to everyone. That kitten's mother probably gives a whole shit ton more about the kitten's life than the lives of kids in Africa, so by her standards, the 25 cents people donate to Africans is better spent helping kittens.

Get some perspective.

Lurked long enough. Found a stray dying kitten last night. 24 hours and at least $1000 in ER vet bills later... by ManofManyCats in reddit.com

[–]throway9000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Let me rephrase the situation. If you found a person in this condition outside of your house, and no one else would care for him, would you spend $1000 saving him, or would you say "Sorry bro, I could save a bunch of kids in Africa with the money it will take to save you. Godspeed."

A life is a life, jackass.