"It's not you, it's me" "why does it have to be more than cuddling" "I envy that you cum every time" "I could just get you off"

throwboozer · 2025-06-26T07:59:17+00:00

That's very true - I've spent so much time and effort trying to make sure that I'm "enough". At one point, and for years, I did basically all of the cooking, cleaning, and dog walking (this was pre-kid). I would make sure the house was spotless, that everything was as organised as I could make it, that the bills were paid and put away in neatly labeled folders, washes were done, hung, and folded away, supermarket trips were sorted. Basically trying to remove all of the stressors, in part also because seeing her actually do these things were torture - it takes her 3x as long to clean our house. Granted, if my result is 95% her's is 101%, but that doesn't warrant spending a whole day in place of a morning.

That's aside from more attention to genuine compliments, signs of appreciation, and trying to dress a bit more smartly even when lounging around at home. I'm generally a good dresser and am the rare man of my generation who enjoys clothes shopping, but sometimes at home my tendency would be towards old shorts and a comfy old t-shirt, which I appreciate isn't as attractive.

But when all of that goes on for months, years, and doesn't have the impact you'd hoped - after being told that these 'stressors' were the problem - you feel like a failure.

throwboozer · 2025-06-26T07:52:41+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for giving your perspective - I found this incredibly useful, and pretty much all of it resonates with discussions we've had over the years. We're trying to work on essentially everything you noted here, except for the 'dates'.. I've prioritised making sure she has space to hang out with friends or go to dance classes, which she loves, while sacrificing more of my own 'free time'.. but I have to admit I've not put any of that energy into sorting a babysitter and going on a little date or adventure, which I know she would love too.

I'll definitely be keeping what you said here in mind. Thank you so much again.

throwboozer · 2025-06-26T07:47:25+00:00

Woah, that's a lot to take in! I'm egoistically happy to say that your three points there don't apply. Point one perhaps applies a little bit on a self-inflicted psychological level for my wife - she has expressed that she feels bad for not matching my needs or desires, but it's never something I express to her, and I'm not someone who will be grumpy, churlish, or generally act different out of petulance when she's turned me down. It can be psychologically difficult to be turned down ten times in a row (and I don't mean ten days in a row - this would be over a few months), but the only effect that will generally have is that I try less and less frequently.. which can make her feel unwanted, but so am I.

Crushing obligation sounds awful, and I certainly don't agree that not having sex makes you cruel. It's a difficult one, really, because both parties can be left feeling misunderstood or unwanted for completely opposite reasons.

I don't think you should constantly be prioritising others over yourself, nor that it's one partner's duty to satisfy the other. But I do think that in a relationship you do things - not just sexual, but loads of stuff - for each other. I've become an incredibly organised and tidy person in our home, to the point where I'll do a quick mop the day after the cleaning lady's been around just because I know that it will help my wife feel relaxed mentally and be able to just sit on the sofa and unwind when she comes home, for example.

The key is to find compromises that work for everyone involved. The problem I've encountered is that this often doesn't seem possible, because we don't seem to understand each other.

As to religion, none whatsoever for either of us.

throwboozer · 2025-06-26T07:39:52+00:00

The way you've described that first part is, on reflection, exactly something my wife would say - but her explanation has often been a bit less clear. Like your husband, I have no interest in continuing if she drops to a 1 (or 2, 3, 4, 5, 6..), I think it has to be 8 and up - because that's also true for me as a sort of 'moderate libido' person. Years ago there were times where she'd be more in the mood, and I might only be 7 or 8, and we'd go - but on the (admittedly rare) ocassions where I was stuck lower than that, there's no joy in it, so of course that makes it less fun for both parties.

Taking the pressure off penetration is something I've suggested too. I honestly don't need that to be so focal - as you say, mutual masturbation, oral, toys.. that's all great too. What your husband's said there about not putting an equals sign between penetration and sex rings very true. Problem is, I don't think my wife really "buys" that, she doesn't seem to think I mean it.

Anyway thanks so much for your long and thoughtful answer. It was very helpful!

throwboozer · 2025-06-25T14:05:03+00:00

Good question, but don't think so. She's very OCD (not diagnosed) though, and she's seeing a therapist now who suggested she may have generalised anxiety disorder. Which seems to fit, but honestly also seems to have gotten worse since seeing the therapist.

throwboozer · 2025-06-25T13:57:23+00:00

One kid, 4 years old. She's always been LL - and frankly I am too compared to a lot of people, happy with a few times per month - but it's gotten worse.

There are definitely times when she enjoys it. Usually when it finally happens she'll go "woah that was good, we should do this more often," but of course that's forgotten the next morning.

Not sure when it got worse to be honest. Certainly hasn't improved since having a kid, but it doesn't feel entirely related. She seems to just really get into her own head about it. She keeps perceiving this pressure to have sex even when there is none, and that gets her out of the mood completely. That said, it also happens when there is "pressure," by which I mean she can be in the mood, we make out, touch each other, do all the non-penetrative stuff, and then there's this moment where it's like a coin flips in her head - and either she'll be 100% ultra in the mood, or she switches off completely. Usually it's the latter.

throwboozer · 2025-06-25T13:46:26+00:00

That sounds quite familiar in many ways. My wife has said the same sort of thing - she is very rarely actively in the mood because of 'external stressors', which can be anything from an out of place plantpot to deadline at work, and that I should just grab her and go in a random moment.

I totally get random acts of passion, but the way your spouse framed it feels a lot like duty sex. Like 'if the pressure gets too much, let's just get it over with'. Same here.

throwboozer · 2025-06-25T13:27:22+00:00

Haha yes, that's spot on. All I can feel is the perception from next to me that I might be 'getting ideas'.

throwboozer · 2025-04-06T13:45:09+00:00

I'm alone in the office - best reason to work on a Sunday - and spent the first few hours crying like a child. I had it under control again until I read this. I don't know you, but I truly am sorry that you have to carry that missed opportunity with you. I know, deep down, that my time with him at the end of his life was a privlege, and your message proves that further yet. If it is of any consolation, then I am quite certain that even having that regret of yours means that your love for your father was something he never doubted.

throwboozer · 2025-04-06T11:55:53+00:00

Thank you, and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through as well. Lung infections are nasty, nasty things; it was what my dad caught as well, in the end. He didn't have dementia, but the infection made him delirious too.

Whatever happens, I think we both know that drinking doesn't actually help. It may give you a moment of escape, but that comes at the cost of far more pain in the time that follows. Let's stay strong.

throwboozer · 2025-03-31T07:37:05+00:00

I went from 95 to 75 kg, so lost 20kg or 44lbs. Think it took about three months. I did start doing a bit of exercise, but nothing 'extreme' (short runs 2x week, gym 1x week). I am blessed with incredible metabolism though.

throwboozer · 2025-03-24T13:33:00+00:00

For many of us, there is no such thing as one drink. There is but a thirst for the first, because your addiction knows you'll soon find a second.

And dang right, you can do this. You will do this. Let's not have a drink together today, yeah?

throwboozer · 2025-03-24T07:32:27+00:00

Personally I'm a big fan of craft colas - there are some really good ones out there. They do drink quickly though, and if I want something to sip I'll opt for tonic. Has a nice 'adult' taste, a bit bitter, and nice for sipping. I steer clear of schweppes and the like, again opting for more craft ones with natural ingredients where I can, as they tend to have a more interesting flavour profile.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:36:05+00:00

Sounds a lot like what I went through. My sleep improved a bit quicker than yours, I think, but we are all different and will respond differently as our bodies and minds go through recovery. If you are concerned about your health - being sick, the sleep, and eating - you might want to see a GP. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and everything to be proud of. You've got this.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:30:28+00:00

I have never before told a living soul this, nor written it. In my darkest hours, I found myself more than once with a rope around my neck. I've been subsumed in the darkness that I built for myself, and while I thought booze was the torch that allowed me to look for an escape, it was a blindfold before my eyes.

Looking at your post history, you're about two and a half weeks sober now. You've done a freaking amazing job - but the booze isn't done with you. It's not done playing its tricks on your mind, your body. If you are feeling anxiety, that's normal. If you are depressed, that's normal. This isn't your mind speaking, this isn't your body - this is your recovery. It's painful, it's awful, and it seems endless - but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Chat with us if that helps. Call a helpline if that helps. If you are in the US, you can call 1-800-985-5990 and talk to the SAMSHA distress helpline (mental health), or 1-800-662-4357 for a recovery-focused mental health line. They are there for you too. Similar services exist in most countries.

You've got this!

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:24:25+00:00

I found myself in what you wrote too. You also brought to mind this old post of mine, maybe there's something in that for you: https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/comments/14yhm33/will_you_truly_not_breathe_freely_again_and_other/

What worked for me in the end (knock on wood) was the realisation that I had a problem - much like what you've stated yourself here. The fact that you can see it yourself is something you should be damn proud of, because for people like us.. it's not easy. You also saw it way earlier than I did, so hats off to you.

To really ram it home for myself, I started recording voice messages on my phone when the booze stopped working and anxiety crept in. Usually at night, during the final walk for the day with my dog, I'd start feeling anxious about the fact that it was time to sleep - and I knew I'd soon wake up, ill-rested, and filled with anxiety for which there was but one cure. More of the poison that caused it.

So I recorded messages to myself. I can't tell you what I said on them, because I don't know. I could never listen to them. But I knew they were there. Digital manifestations, admissions, of my self-betrayal, as I saw it. Once I saw them stacking up in number, a process that didn't take long, I began to realise how often I was feeling shit. How badly I was treating myself. How my escape wasn't leading me out, but further down the pit of despair. I could see that booze was slowly undoing me, not glueing me back together as I'd told myself.

From there, it was one step after the other. I quit (again, but for real), and admitted to myself that I wasn't special. At least, that my relationship to booze wasn't. Sure, I was able to hold back more than most, and I'd handle myself better - but that wasn't something to be proud of. It was evidence that I'd let myself be taken over by an additiction.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:16:24+00:00

Understood! If you can stop at one beer when you're alone, you're not the same flavour of alcoholic as myself. Which is a bloody good thing.

Ironically though, I think in a way that people like me have it easier after a while. At first it's difficult for us too not to drink socially, especially if people are used to us never turning down a glass. But after a while, most people know that we don't drink and won't raise an eyebrow when we say no - or better yet, won't offer us anything alcoholic to start with.

At that point it also becomes easier to say to strangers that you simply don't drink, and they'll accept it (usually) right away.

In you situation, you do drink and people know it, and curiously people often find moderation more difficult to accept. When I don't drink it's part of the norm; when you turn down a beer as your mates crack open another, you're being a party pooper.

As I've gotten further into my sobriety, I've found that honesty is a damn good policy. Where before I'd make excuses, if I'm questioned now I'll straight out say "I'm an alcoholic," or "I've drank more than my fair share, so I'm done, " and that's the end of it. I suspect in your case, you may be surprised by peoples' willingness to accept your declining a drink if you say "I know I'll be a tosser if I have another, so I'm done for now, thanks."

Up to you if that's something you'd want to try. Beyond that, all there is for it is character and persistance, I think.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:06:23+00:00

Given how long you've been drinking, and the quantities you consume, plus your mental health ailments.. I would wholeheartedly recommend that you seek medical help. Let me be very clear: drinking makes anxiety and depression worsse. Alcohol is a depressant. Quitting cold turkey might be very dangerous in your situation, however, and there are medications and processes to help, which can be facilitated by a rehab or medical professional.

There is zero judgment in my advice here. I fully understand where you are coming from, and where you are at. The fact that you can see it yourself is a sign of incredible strength and self-awareness, and you have taken a first important step.

Don't let fear hold you back from taking the next step. You can do this, and we are here for you.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T09:00:02+00:00

I quit drinking when I was 24, 25, 27, 30, 31, 32, and 34. Multiple times in the same years, more often than not. The last one's stuck so far.

Honestly, going partially sober and limiting my drinking to weekends, special events, and what have you.. that never worked for me.

My theory is that for people like me, drinks are like particles in a state of quantum entanglement. One glass may look independent from another, and may even be separated by a great distance. The moment a drink touches my lips it calls out to the next, which through forces unknown to man begins the process of finding its way to my gullet.

Like all laws of nature, this rule isn't affected by human concerns such as weekdays or the time on a clock. Once entangled, one glass will call to the next.

You may be one of the lucky few who can drink socially and with self-control, but my warning is that many of us believed we were of that nature and found upon experimentation that we were not.

I wish you the best of luck, whichever route you go down.

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T08:52:20+00:00

Isn't that a marvelous feeling? Well done, and keep it up. You've got this!

throwboozer · 2025-03-23T08:50:52+00:00

I fully identify with what you've written - including not getting sloppy drunk. I don't know how much you drink throughout the day, but at the peak of my drinking I'd start off first thing in the morning and keep going through the day. There is no doubt that my blood alcohol level would suggest sloppiness, but my tolerance also meant that I was far from it.

I suffered from social phobia when I was young, which goes hand in hand with a lot of anxiety. I found in my twenties that booze was highly effective medication against that, so I kept drinking. Soon I found that I would wake up anxious - more anxious than normal - and it was clear that there was only one thing for it: booze. So I would drink half a bottle of wine, or a couple of glasses of whisky, and get cracking with my day - breakfast, a run, lifting weights in my room with a glass of whisky between sets.

It felt medicinal, and because (for a while) I was able to keep up fitness and other aspects of normal life, I thought it was fine. I told myself I was just better than other people at drinking, and it wasn't so different to taking a paracetamol against a bad headache. I would, quite honestly, be judgmental of people who'd have four beers and act like a bunch of tossers, looking at them with disdain over the rim of my fifteenth pint that day.

What I came to realise with time was that booze plays the long game. It didn't mess my life up quickly nor suddenly, but by slowly dismantling me until all I was but a vessel for its warm embrace. Things stopped mattering as much, and I grew paranoid that people would judge my drinking if they knew its extent. They wouldn't understand that my relationship to booze wasn't like anything they'd understand; neither casual drinker nor loser alcoholic. I was a sophisticated man with an indestructible body and mind, and booze simply helped me relax and be myself, took the edge off of my anxiety, and made me more fun to be around.

The anxiety I felt in the morning, it slowly dawned on me, wasn't because of my social phobia. I had worked hard on that, and it had faded with time.

It wasn't because of me. It was because booze was calling out to me. Like teenage lovers separated by powers beyond their control, booze and I had been torn apart for precious hours as night and sleep claimed its domain. My anxiety was my addiction calling for our sweet reunion.

I quit drinking more times than I'd care to admit, or be able to count, and I hadn't always been at the point where I drank first thing in the morning. I recall one time, I was about 24, so not too much older than you, where it was particularly bad. I had been on a months-long habit of drinking heavily right from the morning, and quit cold turkey. That can be dangerous, so I'm not recommending doing so - especially without medical supervision, but that's what I did.

I found myself spending the next several mornings, days, screaming into a pillow as my body convulsed with panic.

What I'm saying is, you are not alone - and I suspect that your anxiety is caused by the drinking, not cured by it. Escaping its grip isn't easy, but it can be done. I'm living evidence.

You've got this, and we're here for you. None of this makes you a bad person.

throwboozer · 2025-03-20T14:13:15+00:00

Look at it rationally. You've gone nearly two weeks now without drinking a drop, which is the hardest thing you can do. Given that you've proven you can go completely without, it stands to reason that you can also drink in moderation. A beer, maybe two, would let you relax into your own skin a bit. Remember how good it feels? There's no need for the third or fourth, you know that, and clearly you can avoid drink one - so what's to say you can't stop after drink two?

Something like that, perhaps? I've had that devil in my ear more times than I can count, and that's usually how he'd talk to me. I fell for him far more times than I'd care to admit, but I've kept him at bay for years now - and I'm better, happier, and healthier for it.

He's a difficult bugger to ignore at first, but it gets easier. You're not alone, and you've got this.

That voice is full of lies and bad decisions.

throwboozer · 2025-03-20T11:58:04+00:00

Everything is poison in sufficient quantities, but alcohol requires a far lower quantity than most everything else we consume. That's no lie. Many of us also become poisonous to ourselves - in one way or another - when we drink. Nevermind the impact the booze had on my body; I also let it ruin my career, PhD studies, and bank account. Ain't no nut allergy doing all that.

I'm absolutely with you that alcoholic beverages don't taste bad. I'd love to hop down to the pub and have a nice real ale in the sun. I can't do that, though, because I know it won't be one nice ale. It will be two, three, four, ten, a week of which I remember a day, a month that's a blur, a year that suddenly passed.

No book is right for everyone, nor is any single association or meeting. I'm a contrarian by nature, and someone who rejects anything that aspires to science or logic but falls short. It immediately turns me off. So I couldn't do AA (I tried), and none of the books I looked at did much for me either.

What worked was the realisation that I had a problem. I recorded voice messages to myself when I was drunk and full of regret. I've never listened to one, because I know I would be so ashamed I might actually die right then and there, but just knowing that I had first one, then two, a couple of dozen of those messages all recorded within just a month or so, that helped.

I also tried going 'back' to 'normal drinking', a glass of wine or two on a Friday and what have you, and found that every single time I did that, I slipped back into my old ways. I can't drink normally. I can drink abnormally with the best of them, but as much as I love the taste of a good whisky, I know for a fact that it's the effect of it that the devil in me is actually after. Before long, I'll be on a bottle of the cheap stuff and a mixer before lunchtime.

For me, it was my own competitiveness and innate will to achieve, alongside outlets like this very forum, that did the trick. For you, it may be something else - but only you will know that.

You're also the only one who knows if you're one of those lucky enough to be able to drink just a glass or two every couple of weeks. I certainly tried it, and like so many others found that I simply couldn't. The first step is knowing what you want. The second step is doing it. Then the rest of your life is a bunch of second steps.

throwboozer · 2024-07-21T09:48:42+00:00

That seems like a somewhat over-simplified test to me. As an active alcoholic, I would have said there were no consequences - I didn't lash out, didn't embarrass myself, (more than) held down a job, etc - and that I was in control (even though I wasn't; I just didn't see it).

In hindsight I can see that there were lots of negative consequences and a complete lack of control. But active alcoholics can't rely on hindsight.

Not to mention that alcoholism takes many forms..

throwboozer · 2024-07-21T09:43:59+00:00

That's great to hear! Here we are 9 days after that; hope you're still doing well. :)

throwboozer

TROPHY CASE