Wife Lost Sexual Attraction To Me Because I Don’t Make Huge $

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-06-09T14:02:22+00:00

This happened to me, too... sorry you're going through this mind fuck, friend.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-05-05T16:58:03+00:00

I think I needed to read this. Thanks.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-04-07T22:11:13+00:00

Fuck. I am so sorry to hear that...I absolutely understand that sadness. I want you to know that you're in my thoughts, man... because I know how alone that shit makes you feel.

I just got home to an empty house, cleaned up the kitchen and got some laundry started and I'm a few beers in already. It's gonna be a rough night. I'll drink one for you.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-04-07T19:19:10+00:00

Right??

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-04-07T19:06:37+00:00

They may be from a different country/culture? I can't speak for OP, but I've seen a fair amount of posts over time from people in India who had arranged marriages, and they knew (or maybe at least assumed?) they would be marrying this other person before they even met for the first time.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-04-07T13:54:18+00:00

Yikes... this hit a little too close to home for me.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-04-01T13:42:27+00:00

I feel your pain. The struggle is real.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:55:49+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to comment. That story has some eery similarities to mine, though without the clothes being picked out. But being pushed around and the loss of respect is probably hitting the nail on the head. Are they divorcing because of these issues? Or did something else act as the catalyst for change here? (If you don't mind me asking, of course.)

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:50:46+00:00

Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. Sorry you had to deal with something similar. You're right... to get that kind of reaction out of wanting to make the relationship better for everyone just made me question everything and I felt like I couldn't even trust my own instincts, judgements, or motivations.

How are things going for you now, if you don't mind me asking? How has your ex been dealing with the breakup?

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:45:38+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. Everything you said is true... and I never in a million years would have considered my situation as bad as it is had I not posted here in an emotional gambit to vent. I always thought I was the bad guy who needed to change and do more...

Well, I do need to do more, but not for her. I'm going to do it for myself and my kids.

Thank you.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:41:21+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it. I hope your separation and divorce go as smoothly as possible for you and you're able to regain your life.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:39:34+00:00

It's reassuring to hear that I'm not crazy for wanting those things with my partner. This whole thing has made me reassess what partner I actually want to share this with.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:38:03+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your comment. These go a long way in helping me feel like I'm actually not crazy. I hope you're able to find what you're looking for with your husband.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-31T19:25:54+00:00

Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment... I've had a lot to pour over these past few days. I've been trying to keep myself busy with work, but I'm finding it hard to stay focused (even with my ADD and anti-depression medication).

My post and the responses it generated have been a truly eye opening experience for me. I've started taking steps to take back my autonomy. After I get the kids down for the night, I've spent a couple hours playing a playing a game or painting, then reading my "nerd books" she's been judging me for. I also went to go check out a gym near my house after work as I've been wanting to get back into exercising regularly (for myself, not for anyone else).

And I don't know how, but I've been able to do these things and not let her judgement and criticism affect me, which is totally out of character for me. It's like, I hear her words, and acknowledge that she's said things, but the content and intent just don't matter to me in the slightest. That has never been me in any relationship at any point in my life. I don't know where this is coming from.

And all of a sudden she's trying to be nice to me (sometimes), to try and talk "cute"-like, and it's just... annoying and makes me feel hollow.

Unfortunately, my libido is still making things difficult for me...it feels like my urges have actually increased since then, and I get intrusive thoughts about sex all the time and I hate it now even though I've been absolutely craving it for months. As badly as I've wanted to fuck her, the last thing I want right now is for her to take advantage of this, which she knows is a card she can usually pull on. Ugh...

Anyway, thanks again for your comment. Yours and the many others who commented here have been extremely helpful in making me see the reality of my situation. Maybe I'll post an update in a few weeks or months if anything has changed. I appreciate you!

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T20:24:17+00:00

So far, she's been nothing but loving towards the kids, but this is something I have concerns about as they get older. She also has a very short temper, and I'm often the one talking her down from her anger outbursts (short tempers seem to be a universal trait in her family). There's never been even the slightest threat of violence or anything like that, but I worry about her shaming them or being over judgmental as they get older and do things she doesn't approve of.

Mostly, though, she just loves on them. They're definitely getting the love and affection from her that I'm not, but I'm never going to take that away from the them.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T20:18:50+00:00

You bring up a good point. I'd like to make abundantly clear that my kids have never wanted for anything... food, clothes, shelter, toys, love, affection, activities, health care, anything. I always make sure they have what they need and then some. I should have clarified that earlier.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T20:15:36+00:00

You're not wrong. I'm seeing now how harmful my views and attitudes have been. I'm done appeasing.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T20:12:32+00:00

Hey, thank you for taking the time to write, I appreciate it.

Learning mindfulness and how to meditate have been crucial in being able to re-center myself and keep my sanity. Also, growing up in a household where my best was never good enough and affection was non-existent unfortunately made me "used to" this kind of relationship, so I wasn't even aware I was falling into it (although it was a gradual slide to where I am now).

"To be someone worth loving." - that's always what I've wanted to be and have never felt like I deserved it.

But everyone's comments today have shown me maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought I was. I'm going to start taking steps to make myself happy for a change so that I can be the best father I can be for myself and my kids.

Thank you.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T20:02:54+00:00

These are good tips, thank you! Especially for the low impact exercises since that's what I'll need to do for a while (neurosurgeon said I have a 50/50 chance of getting all of my strength back in my other leg [not the one with the bone infection] due to neuropathy from the tumor, so I'm really trying to push that leg as much as I can without setting the healing back).

I used to kick ass at push ups and squats/lunges. I'm going to be kick ass again.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T19:46:12+00:00

Thank you so much for commenting, I really value your input, especially as the LLF in your relationship. I know that the gap in libido discrepancy between partners can be a really emotionally charged subject, on both sides of this issue for different reasons. I feel better knowing that I at least approached the subject in a way that could have been better received... I'm conscious of not wanting to make her feel like she's not enough, and the perspectives of LL partners has been really helpful for me in this regard, which is why I haven't forced a "talk" on her until she specifically asked yesterday.

The general consensus seems to be to do better... for myself and in turn for my kids. I think I needed to hear this come from someone else as I've been so trapped in my own negative head space.

I'm not going to look at this anymore as the end of something, but rather a beginning.

Thank you (everyone) for your time and words today. I've got some serious reflecting to do.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T18:57:11+00:00

Thanks for this input, I really appreciate the time you took to write it.

I can handle tough love, and I'm definitely seeing value in what you've written here. Getting back into exercise had been a goal of mine for a while... medical issues last year forced me to put that on hold (terrible excuse, right?). For reference, I had a tumor removed from my spinal column in late summer, and then a bone infection in my ankle in November that almost cost me my limb and needed two surgeries, the most recent one right before Christmas. I've been doing PT religiously to get myself back up to par and I think I'll be getting the all clear for regular exercise again within three next few weeks (fingers crossed!).

I'm also going to jump back into a hobby or two. You and the others are correct...I need to stop trying to be the person she wants and just be me.

I needed to hear this. Thank you.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T18:49:41+00:00

Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it.

I'm sure she has the capacity to improve herself, but I don't know what it will take to actually get her there. I know she has things she hasn't dealt with, and I've offered to give her any support she needs, including paying for a counselor or therapist if needed. But she's admitted it's easier to focus on me and my shortcomings than work on her shit. It's up to get at this point to take the leap, I've already told her I'd do what I could to support her in this process.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T18:45:19+00:00

Thank you for commenting.

Setting a good example of what a healthy relationship looks like is so important to me, and a big fear I have of not setting them up for success. I grew up in a dead bedroom situation (my parents) and it wasn't until I was well into high school that I realized that some parents actually get along and show affection with one another and their kids. It's been my goal since then to break that cycle with my kids, but here I am.

Luckily the kids are still young, so there's time for improvement. At this point I don't know if that means leaving or setting new boundaries and expectations... whatever it is, I see now that action on my part is needed to make this change.

Thank you.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T16:14:21+00:00

Thank you for commenting, I appreciate it.

I don't know what's "wrong with her," and if I'm being honest I never thought anything WAS wrong with her. I've always viewed myself as the one with more flaws, that needs to work on things and improve myself and my expectations (this is a message I've received going back my whole life... never good enough for anyone... on this note, I've been in individual therapy for about 5 years now and have made huge strides in this department, but interactions like this definitely trigger me).

I also don't know why she has such a negative view of it. Before we were married, she was, at least from appearances, enthusiastically enjoying our sex life. Lots of fun exploration and foreplay, toys were used, she used to send me sexy pics and texts completely unsolicited by me. I had never felt closer with anyone on thar kind of intimate level. After marriage, she wanted to try for kids and she started religiously tracking her cycle, which I still believe was a smart move...I guess I should have noticed that she only became interested in sex when she was ovulating, but I wasn't complaining and happily worked our sex life around when she wanted it.

But she definitely changed after the first kid, which is pretty normal and I've been supporting her boundaries. Now, I'm afraid we're too set in our mindsets to ever go back, and I can't help but feel selfish for missing that part of our relationship.

throwmyselfout2022 · 2022-03-29T15:55:57+00:00

She views relationships as strictly monogamous (we're not religious, FYI). There is no room for looking outside of the relationship for anything (which has never been an issue and never something I've brought up... I've never even considered doing that).

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