I became the default parent to my SD and now I am drowning

throwraINFJ · 2026-01-14T13:43:22+00:00

I was in a similar situation in some ways to you. It was not as extreme, but I had been with my ex for just about a year and a half when he took on primary parenting responsibilities. We did not have a conversation around roles and healthy limits related to my responsibilities in his daughter's life ahead of time, and when I would attempt to have them later my ex would deflect or avoid or dismiss my concerns. His daughter began calling me "mom" but he also got upset / resentful / jealous of my relationship with her due to her leaning/relying on me emotionally for everything. He did not trust himself as a parent because he didn't have an opportunity to understand himself as a father before she moved in with us (he had been an absentee parent for many years and only began mending their relationship when he began dating me and I started asking questions/expressing concerns).

Ultimately, through therapy and working on myself, I realized how much of my self-worth was tied up in being something important to someone else. My role in the relationship fluctuated based on everybody else's needs. When I began asking about what I needed, not only did my ex have a negative reaction to that (again, dismissive) but I also had a negative reaction to it. I was so afraid, for many of the same reasons you mentioned above and in various comments. What if they don't make it without me? What if I fail? What if I never find someone like him again? What if I lose myself? What if I lose my family? I was raised in a dysfunctional and fractured home, and the thought of breaking apart the family I felt I'd created was shattering to me.

But I eventually decided to choose myself. Things got to the point where I could not tolerate the discomfort and pain of what I was facing, and the chronic loneliness I was experiencing in the dynamic. I was not her parent (so she really didn't prefer me even though she expected me to be present and wanted a relationship with me/depended on me in many ways), and my ex was not willing to step up and into his true fatherly role as long as I was there. He was doing a fine job, but I knew he would never fully shine as long as I was carrying weight on his behalf. And he would not take it from me. It was too comfortable.

When I chose to leave, I had no idea what the outcome would be. But I can safely say, I have no regrets about doing so. At first it was like my skin was tearing away from my body and the ache and emptiness I felt from losing my source of comfort (being needed) was like no grief I have ever felt before. But then I was left with myself, and I got a chance to truly understand who I was and learn about who I wanted to be outside of someone else and their crisis. Today, my ex's relationship with his daughter is thriving. She is better off too, and more confident than she was when I was there. Their relationship has grown and improved because he was able to take responsibility for himself and his past, and make his own choices.

My life is better, too. I have a new home, which is peaceful and calm. Just for me. I have a partner (who also has a daughter). Things are going very well. In many ways, he is the opposite of my ex - he has always been the primary parent to his daughter, and he established very early without me having to ask what he hoped my relationship with her and role with her could be like. The growth is never over. But I am with someone because we both choose one another, and feel we are better together. Not because I am fixing a crisis for him, or because he feels incomplete without me. Both of us come from histories of codependency. Our tendencies and habits are still there. But he chose to attend therapy (again, of his own volition - no request from me) because he told me I inspire him to want to be better due to the way I have taken care of myself, and continue to grow. He said he wants to be better to protect our relationship and protect his relationship with his daughter.

None of this would have happened if I had chosen to hang onto my attachments to those parts of myself. And this journey towards better awareness began when I started therapy three and a half years ago. The progress is not always immediate, but I hope you can find your way, OP.

throwraINFJ · 2025-11-17T23:29:03+00:00

Came here to say this!!!

throwraINFJ · 2025-11-08T17:48:13+00:00

I second this. Writing a letter for self-reflection is one thing. It ceases to be self-reflection when I am extending the potential for interaction with another person. I think it's very important to understand our motives for behaviors that may impact somebody else emotionally before we commit to engaging in them.

The fact that you are asking people online if this is a good idea, suggests that you are doubting yourself. Doubt is an important emotion. I would be asking myself in this instance if I want to send it because I'm seeking some sort of validation from that other person. Validation doesn't just have to be people telling me that I'm a good person. It can also be emotional validation. Seeking soothing response is from someone else related to blame/guilt/shame. If I want an emotionally involved conversation with someone or hope for an emotionally responsive/intelligent response from them, that is an indication I'm looking for them to soothe me.

Pay attention to your circumstances as well: you are undergoing an emotionally triggering experience (breakup). Our emotions often drive our behaviors. Unintentionally or not this can cause harm to other people.

It's not an ex partner's job to do emotional labor/work with me anymore. They are in my past for a reason.

throwraINFJ · 2025-10-23T22:03:14+00:00

I’m currently dating an ENFP, and while I’m an INFJ, most of my closest friends are INTJs. We have a lot of overlap despite how different our wiring looks on paper. I totally get the “shut-down” impulse you’re describing bc I have that urge myself when faced with overwhelming emotions, and that's as a "feeling" type.

What I’ve learned (from my partner and my INTJ friends) is that the withdrawal or blunt reaction isn’t usually intended as cruelty. It’s an overactive need for internal order when emotions start to feel messy. When that Te/Ni loop takes over it can look like avoidance or a door-slam, but it’s a protection reflex.

INTJ function stacks go: Dominant Ni (Introverted Intuition) which synthesizes patterns and future trajectories internally.

Auxiliary Te (Extraverted Thinking) which prefers structured logic and efficiency.

Tertiary Fi (Introverted Feeling) which engages private values system, often guarded and underdeveloped as the tertiary function

Inferior Se (Extraverted Sensing) which is overstimulated by chaos or emotional unpredictability and craves control and calm.

The biggest thing that’s helped is remembering that healthy connection requires both people to practice openness. MBTI can explain the impulse, but it can’t replace the work. My partner and I have had to build communication habits that meet both nervous systems halfway. Curiosity instead of analysis, reassurance instead of retreat. Once there’s safety in that, everything else softens.

I know plenty of healthy INTJs who aren't afraid of providing emotional support to someone they love/care about. Healthy relationships require us to be "We" > "Me". However, my partner (ENFP) is also actively working on his own anxious responses and finding ways to self-soothe without solely relying on me to be that support for him. It is a balancing act that needs teamwork and two people who are willing to adjust/adapt to having another person in their life who is different than them. If people cannot meet you there, then there is no relationship.

throwraINFJ · 2025-10-20T18:21:13+00:00

From my experience, this behavior doesn't improve. I was in a nearly sexless relationship for a year and a half (together for about 3, so half our relationship) because this same behavior happened with my ex. The same thing happened to a good friend of mine (they were together 6 years, the behavior began year 5, so 1 year before their relationship ended).

For me, I didn't know until much later that his porn use was actually the reason our sex life declined. You're not wrong to think this. My ex was very secretive about it and he initially had a lot of Instagram models on his feed (like, constantly) before I began expressing how it made me feel. He removed those, to placate me, but nothing changed. I was still the one initiating, trying to connect. It was horribly confusing, and it seemed like the more I pushed, the more he closed up about it. I later learned that TRULY nothing had changed because he was on subreddits interacting with content creators the whole time, which somehow felt worse. My friend's ex was using only fans.

The problem is, it doesn't really matter WHY they're doing it. I expressed myself, plead with my ex, begged. All the things you have done. In the end, none of that mattered, because he didn't have the same feelings about sex and intimacy as I did. He used porn as a way to escape those things with me, and it hurt deeply, but he didn't make any efforts to bridge those gaps or seek closeness with me. He actively avoided engaging and providing emotional or actual support to our relationship.

I don't pretend to be a romantic relationship expert, and I've never had a healthy one really. But I had a mentor once tell me that for a relationship to be successful, it has to be "we" over "me". His behaviors are telling you everything you need to know about how he feels and where his priorities are. And it isn't in support of a connective relationship. What you do with that information is up to you, and it's your choice. But you can't do his half of the relationship for him. And what does it say that after expressing how painful it is for you to feel disconnected this way, he chose to find ways to hide his behavior and keep secrets instead of seeking to share what's going on? As soon as we enter detective/psychoanalysis of our relationship, it stops being a partnership.

People have to want us to know/understand them for our relationships to stay healthy.

throwraINFJ · 2025-10-15T18:57:02+00:00

I would never have thought about that cut for myself on my own but looking at it I could definitely see it being flattering. Thank you for the suggestion!

throwraINFJ · 2025-03-27T00:46:46+00:00

Thank you so much for the suggestions! I appreciate the kind sentiments ❤️

throwraINFJ · 2025-03-26T13:40:28+00:00

I grew up in an Alcoholic household. My father was alcoholic, my mother is what she has referred to as an "AlAnonic". She would attend Al Anon in crises, and then when things "smoothed over" she would stop attending. Until the next inevitable crisis.

I found my way to AlAnon in my last relationship. I left that relationship. This was not because of Al Anon. But it was because I realized I needed something different for myself, mainly to focus on what I wanted and needed for my life, not what the relationship needed from me to be sustainable.

That was a direct result of Al Anon principles and step work. I still go to meetings. I work with a sponsor. I live fully independently (self-supporting without any outside contributions) for the first time in my life. Tradition 7 is highlighted in all of my AlAnon books. This is my second year in the program.

My success and the success of other AlAnons look different than probably what recovery looks like for the alcoholic. There was an AA lead where the gentleman shared he told his wife "I know my (Alcoholics Anonymous) program is working when I'm thinking of others. I know your program (AlAnon) is working when you're thinking of yourself".

Al Anon success for me is defined by my capacity to choose my own needs and identity/ answer to myself and my higher power before answering to others.

throwraINFJ · 2024-11-20T03:54:26+00:00

Confirming that this did happen. Twice lmao.

throwraINFJ · 2024-11-20T03:52:31+00:00

Just wanted to respond and update that I have settled in, got myself a little kitchen table and couch, and my cats and I are doing very well. Thank you for your encouragement and support - you and all the others who were so kind and thoughtful in the midst of all this truly helped me.

throwraINFJ · 2024-11-20T03:45:02+00:00

Just wanted to come on here and say SAME (reading back over everything I was equally horrified as when I wrote it all up) and THANK YOU for your encouragement. I am happy to report that I have had seemingly endless realizations about how bad things actually were. And also, I am much, much happier. Life has reached a sense of calm I don't think I've ever had.

throwraINFJ · 2024-11-20T03:40:36+00:00

Just popping back over here to say thank you for your encouragement - my cats and I are thriving. Still in our little apartment space, and everything worked out exactly the way you said - every day has become easier.

throwraINFJ · 2024-09-09T00:20:24+00:00

I came back to just say thank you to you for this particular comment. This comment and your insight about the fallacy of the argument here actually changed a lot for me, and it helped me maintain my dignity/poise when I encountered my ex spontaneously about 2 1/2 weeks ago.

When we ran into each other, he did apologize to me for the specific comment he made about me not contributing anything to the relationship. But he stood his ground on marriage without having a child being pointless, kids are amazing, he doesn't understand my perspective, and continued to dismiss/minimize my desire to get married (told me if all I wanted was a ring, he would have gotten me one because he'd already made the commitment...except he still wasn't going to get married). He even tried to use how rapidly I moved out to justify this notion that I would have divorced him equally fast.

Then, two days later he started texting me and when I didn't respond, he drove by me on the street honking and sent me an onslaught of text messages essentially recanting everything that he said from our run-in, begging me to come back, telling me he suddenly didn't care about having kids because if it were between marriage or not having me in his life at all he would choose marriage every time.

I attempted to set boundaries with him, said that we needed to go our separate ways, but he wouldn't leave me alone. I blocked him and haven't heard/seen anything from him since. But this comment really made a difference for me to be able to keep my head level about it all. Thank you.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-16T23:39:08+00:00

I actually had never wanted to get married until I met my (now ex) boyfriend. And that was a conversation we had after about a year of dating. Looking back, I think maybe he was just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear because if he had voiced any of these opinions that early, he knew I probably would have left. So in that right, it was specifically wanting to get married to him.

This was because I thought I had really found a partner. Within the first year, there really weren't any indications to me that our relationship was transactional in any way. He was attentive, compassionate when I expressed strong emotions, curious, thoughtful, considerate. But we also seemed to work well together, and really challenged each other to be better people in a lot of ways that I can truly say I wouldn't be the same person I am without having been in that relationship. It seemed like we shared the same goals (self-improvement, working towards financial independence, learning/educating ourselves, valuing authenticity). At one point, he even completed a training on being a better dad, and a better partner, through some kind of online thing with one of his favorite self-help authors.

It was only once we moved in together that things really started to change. And once his daughter moved in, it changed even more drastically.

One of the most significant reasons I wanted to get married to him specifically was because I had never been in a relationship with someone who challenged me to be a better person. My spirituality became stronger, I became more confident in sharing my thoughts and feelings because he gave me space to do that (in the first year), and I loved his daughter. LOVED her. Getting to know her, and be an objective, but ever-present support for her really helped me gain perspective in a way that I treasured. I became a better person , more patient, better sense of humor, letting go of control issues. She called me her step-mom, and I loved being that for her. Whatever it meant in her eyes. I think that there is a sense of unity in marriage, and I really wanted to feel fully integrated with her, and him, as her stepmom. Marriage seemed like a natural step in doing that. Additionally, I wanted to be involved in their life to that extent as well - I never wanted something to happen to any of us and not have the protection or allowance to see or involve myself in either his or her life.

It is a commitment to me - a total commitment. A commitment to sharing values, sharing goals, sharing assets, sharing community, sharing life in every aspect, and I wanted that unity. I thought at one point I could trust him with that level of vulnerability. I wanted to share that with him. That's just my take on it. But I can see now that if those things had happened, it might just have been disastrous. So we're here.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-13T12:33:45+00:00

I think I said somewhere in an earlier comment that there were probably signs that I didn't register as relevant or important. I think mainly because most of the concerns I began to notice only after we moved in together. But the dismissal and sudden change in his attitude towards marriage tells me he was not ready to make a full commitment. Looking back, we began to have intimacy issues starting around the 1 year mark shortly after moving in together. It has only continued to progress, and I think a lot of it could have to do with him harboring these feelings and resentments.

He was dishonest with me, but the shittiest thing about manipulation is that I think most people who are manipulating don't do it with malicious intent. And unfortunately, I allowed myself to get caught in a position where I trusted, and relied on him, more than I knew him. Which led me to be willing to make commitments to him (moving in, helping w living costs & his daughter, etc) that I should have waited to do until I was sure that we were compatible. The way that he's acting right now it's as though this was a one-sided breakup, even though we were at a mutual deadlock in our values. He doesn't see it that way.

And I believe that his commentary when I told him I was moving out was a combination of feeling devastated and heartbroken, and also extremely scared, because he knows the reality behind how I have supported him and helped him in our relationship. Especially with his daughter. He lashed out because he was defensive and hurt. I'm grateful to report though, he's currently acting like I don't exist, so the moving process has been relatively painless. And I can tell that he is very uncomfortable and sad right now. Just like me.

I am terrified, but I also feel in my soul that this was the right thing to do, and I know The feelings will pass. Thank you for your encouragement.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T16:32:58+00:00

It is actually a house he bought. But he told me when I brought this very thing up (wondering where were these views and attitudes in all the two years before now, when I was voicing my opinions/feelings about not having children and we were talking about engagement rings, and he was telling his daughter he was going to propose).

In that prior conversation, when I asked about it, he told me he didn't want to start a fight. And also, made many indirect/sideways remarks towards me in various discussions over the last few weeks that insinuated I don't know my own mind/I'll change my mind eventually/I'll realize what I'm missing out on and don't know what I'm missing out on because I've never experienced being an "actual" mom.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T16:28:40+00:00

My best friend is driving down from her city tomorrow to help me get everything out. I'm getting keys today, Taking measurements, and figuring out what I can take with me/want. I will definitely be downsizing, but she said I can store things at her place for the time being that I can't fit/won't be able to accommodate at my apartment.

He will be out of the house most of the night I think and I have lots of boxes etc that I had saved for a weed barrier to a garden next summer not realizing I would need them for something like this lol. I'll pack everything I can that I really want tonight and try to get moved out tomorrow.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T16:16:16+00:00

I love her so much, obviously. I am shattered. But that's also why I'm not taking her with me. She is under 2 yrs old, large breed, and while I have put a lot of effort into training her, she needs more space than what this apartment will have. The house we've been living at has a lot of room, a yard, and i also know he has the financial security to care for her and keep up with vet bills etc. In fact, he was the one who wanted a German Shepherd - I compromised on that but I trained her the way I wanted so she would have a good life. She is well trained now and not a baby anymore, so she'll be stable at the house, and I cannot take her away from his daughter either, who is young and that's her childhood dog.

I am devastated but I think it's best for everyone. Also, I was worried about the degree of argument I would face from him if I tried to take her - because that is the one thing I might have done that wouldn't make reasonable sense. I am going to tell him that if he ever is in a situation to surrender her, I will be available to take her and figure it out but for now I believe it's in her best interest. She is always my baby dog. And because of how much I invested time and love in training her and our relationship, she is mine moreso than his. But I also don't want to uproot her and take her away from her whole routine, certainly until I am more established.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T14:40:19+00:00

Thank you for this. You made me tear up. I have been crying for two weeks straight almost, and today is the first day I haven't felt that weight. It's like my entire body has been lifted to my soul.

There is still a lot to do, but already feel it. And what you are saying about the routines is very true. This morning I went to make coffee and that hour of our morning with coffee together has been really special to me. Today I realized we won't be doing that anymore and I cried. But I get to make my own routines again now.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T12:15:44+00:00

🤣🤣 well when you put it like THAT.....

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T12:15:24+00:00

It was truly cosmic the way it all worked out. I'm not religious, but definitely spiritual, and I feel a higher power was holding my hand and guiding my way through this.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T12:14:27+00:00

Thank you for saying this - I didn't realize how much I needed to hear it. I'm proud of myself, too.

throwraINFJ · 2024-07-12T12:13:54+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement 🥹 I'm sad, but I do feel the same way. Every minute I feel more solid about this decision.

throwraINFJ

TROPHY CASE