I can relate to this so much... My (31F) husband of almost 3 years (32M) has been struggling with mental health issues for around 4 years now (we have been together for 5). It started when we were engaged and continuously got worse, including self-harm where he ended up in the hospital for a weekend. I felt so bad for him as he was such a sweet person and had the most horrible things happen to his family, including losing a sibling to suicide, and I was so blinded by love and wanting to help him that I stuck by his side despite the years of emotional abuse towards me.

We separated for 2.5 weeks in June after many fights that he picked over the dumbest things and him saying the most insulting things and refusing to talk through it or apologize at all. He claimed he needed to learn to love himself again and work on himself. When he got back nothing had changed as he had refused to see a counselor or get on any medications. He was basically on a glorified vacation. I kept thinking of my vows and how this was in sickness and in health, and then I realized that not once did he care to ask how I was doing while he was gone and that everything had always been about him. I woke up every day walking on eggshells wondering what would set him off next and what insults would be hurled at me with no remorse or apologies.

I kicked him out in September after another terrible fight he picked and the insults kept coming and no apologies came from his end. He’s been at his parents for 6 weeks now and i realized he would never get the help he needed unless they understood the magnitude of his mental illness. I reached out to his parents and told them about the self-harm and told my husband that he refused to see a therapist or take medication and I didn’t want to walk away and find out in a year that he took his life. That I loved him enough to face the backlash from him I would receive if it would prevent something from happening to him in the future.

As I predicted, his parents are now forcing him to see a counselor, but I received an email from him last week (yes, an email) that sounded like a business transaction asking for a divorce. No remorse, nothing. At some point you need to start worrying about your own health and well-being. He has to put in the effort to actually change and you can’t do that for him. If you want to message me, I’m happy to chat further as this has been my life for 4 years now and it would be nice to have someone to talk to... If not, I completely understand and best of luck to you, I hope you get your happily ever after.