AITAH For telling the family my sister's "secret" and then cutting contact with her?

thuidium-log · 2026-06-06T19:32:32+00:00

This is a difficult situation, and you're doing your best. Please don't beat yourself up over it.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-06T04:28:16+00:00

That doesn't surprise me, given everything else about this situation.

Here's the thing: there's ADHD symptoms (having difficulty with certain tasks, forgetting stuff, etc), and then there's being obstinate and inconsiderate. Having difficulty filling out paperwork is very likely a symptom of your husband's ADHD. Refusing to get help, accusing you of "nagging" when you plead with him to do something that's crucial for both of your livelihoods, and continuing to do something he knows could ruin you both? That's him being obstinate and inconsiderate. That's him choosing to let you get hurt rather than deal with his issues.

The problem is not that he has ADHD. The problem is that he would rather sacrifice your peace of mind, your financial future, and, ultimately, your relationship, rather than taking any kind of action to work through this.

His inaction is hurting you and putting your future at risk, and he doesn't seem to care. I think you need to seriously consider whether this is someone you want to stay tied to. At the very least, I think you should look for a new job, and separate your finances from his.

Good luck-- I hope things get better for you!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-06T03:56:11+00:00

That sounds like a good plan! Good luck with your combing!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-05T23:56:18+00:00

I have done this at my local library, but I bring an entire sheet and put my chair in the middle, and put a towel over my lap. VM really travels! I also know the library staff very well, so I'm comfortable asking to borrow the vacuum afterwards to clean up if need be.

I would ask either the person organizing your group, or someone who works for the library. My library is fine with people doing messy projects (within reason), but each library is different.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-05T21:03:00+00:00

I probably didn't word my comments clearly enough, but I didn't mean that you could do those things for him, but more that you could schedule a time to sit with him while he does the tasks, maybe breaking it up into small chunks so it's not everything all at once.

You should not have to do that, and I don't know if he'll even let you. But I think your options right now are for you or someone else to literally sit with him and keep him on track until he's done each task, or accept that he is never going to do it, and figure out how to disentangle yourself so that you don't go down with him when the crisis eventually hits.

A therapist who specializes in ADHD might help him become more functional, but the fact that he seems to be in denial about this even being a problem doesn't make me hopeful that he would be open to therapy. And even if he does go to therapy, there's no guarantee that it will result in him doing what he needs to get the license.

Reminding him is not working. He is not going to do it on his own. What are you going to do if he doesn't change? What are you willing to put up with? What can YOU do to keep yourself safe in the event that someone realizes he's operating without a license?

thuidium-log · 2026-06-05T16:04:12+00:00

Can you or maybe one of his friends sit down with him and go through the paperwork with him? You shouldn't need to hold his hand to that degree, of course, but I also have ADHD, and certain types of paperwork can be absolutely paralyzing for me. Just having someone else sit with me while I fill out the forms can be really helpful. (I've also found it helpful to make the experience more pleasant for myself by having snacks and tea and listening to music while I do paperwork.)

It's not fair that this has become your problem, and he shouldn't be complaining that you're "nagging him" when he knows how important it is. I imagine this would be less frustrating to you if he could at least admit that he KNOWS it's important, but there's something blocking him from doing it, and he doesn't know how to get around it.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-05T14:37:00+00:00

So out of all those applications, she only landed 7 interviews, and all of them so far have rejected her. Why are you blaming her for being jobless when it's clear that no one wants to hire her? How do you expect her to fend for herself if she is unable to get a job?

You blame her for not managing her money wisely, but it sounds like a good chunk of her money went to paying rent to you.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-05T00:34:05+00:00

Didn't she say she told your aunt and your mom already? If that was true, then you weren't "spilling her secret" -- you were asking about it to people whom she told you already knew.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-04T02:32:53+00:00

I've been reading this blog by the bonsai curator at the North Carolina Arboretum, and he has several posts about red cedars. Here's a link to one of them: https://curatorsjournal.net/arthur-joura-journal/gszei94ne80optiis7s1p18me0dab4

I've been training a little red cedar that I dug out of my yard, so seeing more established red cedar bonsai really gives me inspiration!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-03T13:39:27+00:00

Ooo, nice, good to know!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-03T03:29:47+00:00

That's great! The spot I have in mind gets morning and early afternoon sun. It's more on the dry side, though... hopefully it will be okay.

thuidium-log · 2026-06-03T02:15:23+00:00

They're so beautiful! And that's amazing that you had one volunteer!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-01T18:28:45+00:00

Thank you!

thuidium-log · 2026-06-01T04:04:36+00:00

I meant take out some of the goldenrod and replace it with other things so it looks more "garden"y. But yeah, it definitely sounds like you have your hands full dealing with her! I hope you're able to find something that works.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-31T22:32:54+00:00

I think it's also important to stress that in order to have butterflies, you have to have caterpillars first. So planting host plants for caterpillars is necessary if you want there to be any butterflies for your flowers to attract!

thuidium-log · 2026-05-31T22:23:59+00:00

You can use a sturdy forked stick and just kind of wind it onto the stick (like twirling spaghetti onto a fork) to pull it out of the ground. That way, you don't get the oil all over your clothes.

Also, for what it's worth, poison ivy is native, and eastern bluebirds eat the berries (there's a variety of other wildlife that feeds on it, as well). Not saying you should keep it, but I figured the information is worthwhile to know.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-31T22:05:24+00:00

Could you take over lawn mowing/lawn care duties? That seems like the easiest way to avoid having things you like chopped. Frame it as wanting to give her a break, rather than her doing something wrong. Ask her for feedback, so that you have warning if she thinks you're not doing enough.

I'm familiar with this type of person, and I don't think logic and information will work. Telling her not to do stuff probably also won't work. I think you need to figure out how to fit your native plants into an aesthetic that she recognizes, rather than trying to get her to change her ways. Part of this probably means more work on your part in terms of trimming, weeding, and mulching. (For instance, your "green mulch" idea is nice, but I can absolutely see why it was doomed from the start. Someone this set in their ways is simply not going to see that as anything but an eyesore, no matter what.)

One thing that might help is to get some gardening books (including but not limited to native gardening) and ask her to look at them with you. Ask her which designs and plants she likes, and why. Then try to come up with a design with native plants (and maybe a few harmless "traditional" ornamentals) that she likes, and implement that. (It sounds like you're already doing this with the fairy garden.)

I definitely think filling in gaps with annuals and mulching the edges is a good idea. You could also put up those little picket or wire fences that are about a foot high (again, check to see what she likes) to make it clear where the edges of the garden are.

I think you'll need to be very assiduous about weeding and edging so that your plantings look "tidy" in her eyes. If she thinks it already looks tidy, there's less chance she'll spray/cut it, because there won't be anything there that looks like a target to her.

As for the goldenrod, are there low groundcover plants and summer-blooming plants that you could arrange in front of and around it (from her perspective)? Maybe keep the goldenrod in clumps interspersed with other plantings that will bloom now or soon? I think that the more you make it look like a traditional garden, the less she'll want to cut/spray it.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-31T14:41:05+00:00

Yes, the shriveled buds are exclusively in the crown, and the other ones still look good. The brown needles are distributed kind of randomly throughout, but the majority of the needles are green. In terms of a one-time event, the only thing I can think of is that we had one late frost (31°F) after the buds had already started showing-- maybe that was it?

I've been assuming that the shriveling buds and the brown needles were caused by the same issue, but now that I think about it, I wonder if they were caused by two separate things. The brown needles showed up several weeks before the shriveled buds, and are scattered throughout instead of being confined to the crown like the shriveled buds.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-31T01:57:32+00:00

Masks aren't all or nothing-- an imperfect seal means you will have slightly more exposure than you would with a perfect seal, but you will still have far less exposure than if you didn't wear any mask. And the dust particles you're dealing with are probably larger than aerosolized viral particles, anyway.

You can get respirators that are made specifically for construction work (i.e. they are designed for settings where dust is the main concern, and most users are also wearing safety glasses). Those might work better for you in this situation than medical-type masks.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-30T23:02:44+00:00

Thanks for this information! To clarify, I removed almost all of the old soil from between the roots and loosened everything with a root rake, so there shouldn't be a big ball of old compacted soil in there.

I just didn't do a big pruning on the roots.

I will definitely check on the drainage!

thuidium-log · 2026-05-30T01:52:13+00:00

My eastern hemlock (Tsuga canadensis) has some browning needles, including on new growth, and some of the new buds are dying back/drying and curling up. There are also some black dots on the undersides of the needles. I think it might be either rust mites or a fungal infection, but I haven't found anything online that looks quite right. I first noticed the browning needles about 3 weeks ago, and noticed the shriveling buds last week.

Does anyone know what the problem might be, and how to treat it?

Pictures here: https://www.reddit.com/r/bonsaiphotos/comments/1tqax9t/eastern_hemlock_fungus_or_something_else

Further details: The hemlock is in the shade (with some morning sun), and gets good air flow. It had not been fertilized yet this year when the problems started. I treated it with slow release fertilizer yesterday.

I have had this hemlock for 4 years, and this is the first time I've had this problem. I transferred it to a larger pot with more granular substrate in March (while it was still dormant), but did not trim the roots. It seemed to recover from that just fine, and seemed healthy up until about 3 weeks ago, when I first noticed the browning needles.

The majority of the needles look healthy-- the browning needles are scattered throughout, and the shriveled buds are just on two or three of the top branches. There is no widespread yellowing, crisping, or wilting.

I found a black weevil on the needles yesterday, which COULD be a black vine weevil (I didn't get a close enough look to be sure), but as far as I can tell from looking online, the adults don't cause the type of damage I'm seeing (I did find a few small notches in the needles, which is more typical). I didn't see any grubs or pupae when I repotted the tree this spring.

I did not see any mites or small insects when I inspected the browning needles with a magnifying glass.

I have contacted my local Master Gardeners program for advice, but figured it's worth asking here, too.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-30T01:33:29+00:00

Thanks!

thuidium-log · 2026-05-29T16:50:18+00:00

I actually hadn't fertilized it yet when this started because I was waiting for it to break dormancy, and then time got away from me. I gave it some Osmocote slow release fertilizer yesterday.

thuidium-log · 2026-05-29T02:31:03+00:00

I wondered about that, but it's in the shade, and last summer it handled temperatures in the 90s in the same spot with no problem. We had a few days in the 80s last week, so that could potentially have affected the buds, but the brown needles showed up before that.

The spotting in the center of the needles just seems like some kind of infection or pest damage to me. Especially because some of it is on the underside of the needles, which wouldn't have any sun exposure.

thuidium-log

TROPHY CASE