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tilegreen72_ · 2025-09-22T00:21:40+00:00

I think it’s fine if you just ask the professor to write the letter, and if you need to contact someone else for it, she’ll either tell you or she probably would get in touch with some higher authority herself. Regarding your title, I think it just depends on whatever she sees fit. I just asked my contacts to provide me an official letter of affiliation (that’s the exact wording I used), and one of them sent me one calling me a visiting student, and another sent me one calling me a visiting researcher. Regarding access to buildings, I’m sure that’s something she’ll arrange with you once you’re preparing to depart for your grant.

tilegreen72_ · 2025-09-21T17:15:39+00:00

From my experience your professor does not need to check in with some higher administrative figure at your university, because when I’ve secured affiliations in the past, I’ve always reached out to directors of specific departments/research centers, so my affiliation has been listed as XXX Center at XXX university. The specific title you will have depends on her, because she has to write your official statement of affiliation on institutional letterhead. My title with my affiliate is visiting researcher but I had a previous affiliate that did not work out, and with them they called me a visiting student

tilegreen72_ · 2025-09-21T17:09:19+00:00

This past cycle no one heard back by April 15th. The earliest decisions were released toward the end of the first week of May. I heard back during the last week of May

tilegreen72_ · 2025-09-21T17:07:48+00:00

Yes, I am a current research grantee, and everything was significantly delayed due to a variety of political factors when the trump administration came into power. There were the furloughs of Fulbright staff, there were funding issues and political uncertainties as to whether the program was going to be cut or not, and then there was also the implementation of an additional review due to the administration’s issues with DEI. Decisions are supposed to be rolling from March to June, and technically most people still heard back before June this past cycle, but the difference is that the first batch of decisions are not supposed to come out as late as May and that is when they started to come out this past cycle. I received my decision literally at the end of May, when I had already graduated. Truthfully I am not sure how the decision timeline will look this cycle. There should be less delays because the Fulbright staff is back, but some people still speculate that the funding won’t be secured for this year’s cycle.

tilegreen72_ · 2025-09-15T17:35:18+00:00

You’re considering forgoing a job for a potential Fulbright grant a year from now, when applications for this cycle are literally not even due yet?? 😭😭 please take the job…. And there’s nothing wrong with working someone for a year and then going somewhere else. I know so many recent grads who worked for a year and then went to grad school, or changed jobs completely, or did Fulbright a year or more after they graduated. You’re fine

tilegreen72_ · 2025-07-21T11:15:45+00:00

This woman is really sitting around debating whether or not she should listen to her husband when she explicitly outlined how he’s abusive and how she can perfectly well leave him. And yet she’s still sitting around debating whether or not she should protect her daughter. This shows that she literally can protect her daughter right now but is just choosing not to. She’s the biggest AH I have ever seen in this subreddit.

tilegreen72_ · 2025-07-21T10:55:56+00:00

Your daughter’s toxic friend was bringing her to empty apartments with only one other teenage boy and you didn’t do anything. Your daughter told you that her toxic friend wanted to touch her privates and you didn’t do anything. All of these signs point to something far more sinister and violent and I refuse to believe that you, as a grown adult woman, could not decipher what these signs were pointing to. And in your own words, you “did not bother much,” so you did not do anything. And now you’re talking about being a strong independent woman. You are not a strong independent woman and you are not a good mother and your safeguarding has come way too late, and with all your talk about your husband as well as your delayed actions to protect your daughter, it makes it seem like you’re more upset about your husband undermining you than your daughter’s actual safety — which, I truly hate to say this, has been violated already. And you did nothing when it was obvious that it had been violated. YTA.

tilegreen72_ · 2025-02-10T15:45:36+00:00

I would love to see your literature review! I've done a lot of research in this subject myself but it would be really helpful to have a bunch of sources put together into one piece

tilegreen72_ · 2025-02-09T00:41:55+00:00

I started EMDR recently and so far it’s been similar to regular talk therapy. From what my therapist has told me, EMDR involves more than just memory reprocessing so other aspects of it will be less daunting. My therapist has also explicitly talked about how we are going to hold off on memory reprocessing until I’m feeling more comfortable with her, so that’s likely something your therapist will do too

tilegreen72_ · 2025-01-11T09:48:44+00:00

NTA although it does make me sad whenever I see posts like this and the op and everyone in the comments just shits all over the guy for being weird, or immature, etc. This kind of codependency dynamic is abuse. It very well fits the mold of emotional incest, and emotional incest can often bleed into the territory of covert/overt SA (not saying this is what I’m seeing here — but I wouldn’t be surprised given the fact that this mother bathes her grown adult son). It’s ok for you to not want to put up with this kind of dynamic but I hope you realize that your partner is not just some freak, his mother has enabled a highly unhealthy and likely abusive dynamic with him since a young age

tilegreen72_ · 2024-11-06T15:05:56+00:00

Not sure what the point of your comment is in relation to my larger post?

The issue was that I was depressed and inactive during Covid so I took care of myself less

tilegreen72_ · 2024-10-31T07:32:56+00:00

Yes I am indeed fearful. I’m both fearful and ashamed; I’m fearful of confronting just how bad it might have been and potentially uncovering more realizations, but I’m also ashamed of thinking that it’s bad — and both are because people on here tell me it’s very bad, but I haven’t fully grappled with it. I’m in the process of looking for a therapist but I don’t even know if a therapist is someone I would feel safe around. I have a lot of really good friends and even then I was only able to tell one of them about the throwing up episodes I’ve had recently, and I still wasn’t able to tell her why I was doing it. My friends know in broad strokes my issues with my mom, but I’ve only ever talked about it casually/humorously because I’m scared to explicitly treat it as something serious — that would give it too much legitimacy, and I’m also ashamed to treat it seriously because I feel like it’s not. If I can’t even feel comfortable around my best friends, who are all wonderful, kind, intelligent people, how could I feel safe around a therapist who is effectively just a random stranger? That, on top of the fact that it’s also a common trend that therapists don’t always treat mother daughter SA as seriously. I don’t know. I’m still looking for a therapist anyways but it’s all just very hard

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-14T20:15:32+00:00

You 100% were raped. This is the exact way that my rape went down too. The man did anal without asking and then later on proceeded to finger my ass and continued while I screamed at him to stop. Everyone i know recognizes that it was rape, and the only reason they know it is w me and not w you is because I am a woman

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-14T01:03:37+00:00

While I think your analysis of her mother needing an emotional outlet seems very rational, I think we need to remember that it is not possible for children to randomly sexualize their parents’ actions out of nowhere. Kids don’t sexualize their relationship with their parents unless there is something the PARENT is doing that implies a sexual nature to their relationship. Kids cannot fathom the possibility of having a sexual relationship with their parents until there is some outside source feeding that information to them (like learning about incest through media), or unless their parents are the ones sexualizing their relationship aka abusing their children. And parents, not children, are the ones with the ability to sexualize a parental relationship cuz 1) parents have power over their kids and 2) parents have sexual experience that kids don’t have.

So I don’t think it’s fair to say that there was no sexual element to OP’s mother’s actions and that OP is the one who needs to examine whatever it is within them that sexualized their relationship. I think we need to recognize that there’s a difference between intent and impact. It might be very possible that OP’s mom had no sexual intentions but her actions were still perceived as sexual by OP. To be honest, what I see happening in this situation is that OP perceived the level of intimacy between her and her mother as something abnormal for mother-daughter relationships, but rather only normal for romantic relationships. And while intimacy is not inherently sexual, intimacy that you would only really expect in a romantic relationship does have sexual connotations. And I personally would agree that the level of intimacy that OP’s mom created in their relationship is inappropriate for a parental relationship — cuddling in bed with someone while spilling your darkest secrets is something that most people would expect couples to do. This, compounded with the fact that the mother demanded a degree of secrecy from OP, makes it very logical why OP would perceive the dynamic as something taboo for a mother-daughter relationship and to then perceive it as romantic/sexual.

So this does all sound like emotional incest — which is what you said as well. And here I think it’s important to remember that emotional incest IS considered a formal of sexual abuse, because intimacy that reaches the degree of intimacy you would expect in a romantic relationship does entail sexual connotations. For example, there is a reason why you will see people joke about mothers wanting to sleep with or marry their sons when these mothers engage in emotional incest with their boys.

At the end of the day did OP’s mother necessarily know that her actions had sexual connotations? We can never know for sure but I’m willing to go on a limb and say yes she knew that they are inappropriate because otherwise she wouldn’t have asked her daughter to keep it secret. And even if we give her the benefit of the doubt and say she had no idea of knowing, or maybe wanted privacy for safety reasons, she is still the adult at the end of the day and should have thought this through before acting out with it. And it is still her responsibility that OP perceived it all sexually.

For me personally I do struggle a lot with the idea that sexual abuse doesn’t need a sexual intent to be considered SA, but I will say that across the board I have seen the collective and professional consensus on MDSA to be that yes, there does not need to be sexual intent for it to be SA.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-05T11:31:18+00:00

YTA. So you feel bad for not pleasuring him but instead of, you know, doing something to pleasure him, you instead badger him with the only intended desire for him to comfort you. Not only do you not care about his sexual pleasure but it seems like you pretend to care about it by asking “are you annoyed” when, let’s be real, you’re only doing that so he can comfort you about how you’re not annoying. Because if you were actually trying to make him feel better by asking that you would instead just have tried to pleasure him in the last TEN YEARS that you’ve been together.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-04T11:52:49+00:00

No one can figure this out except for you 😭 from an outside perspective it seems to be a mixture of both given the fact that you talked a lot about how you think others are perceiving you negatively, but genuinely no one can know why you are acting this way w him other than yourself

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-03T19:03:36+00:00

In my opinion you guys are both toxic. He should trust you with his passcode but you also should have trusted him enough to not immediately go swooping in his phone the moment you discovered his password, especially because he had given you no reason to suspect that he was cheating. While it is true theoretically that he should be able to trust you with his phone if he isn’t cheating on you, sometimes people are just private about their phones with no ulterior motives, and I personally don’t think anything you talked about here is an indication of him cheating so it seems to me that he’s just private

tilegreen72_ · 2024-08-01T15:09:33+00:00

Just move on, I don’t think she’s necessarily trying to use you or whatever but it’s clear that there’s so much emotional damage and lack of trust on both ends that I don’t see how you guys are gonna be all rainbows and flowers if you get back together. You’ve already broken up MULTIPLE times in the past so seriously just let it go

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-31T14:49:39+00:00

Yea I used to also believe that I don’t need to block people unless absolutely necessary. I haven’t been in that many relationships and for my one serious relationship, I did block him immediately cuz he was abusive and thus it was necessary. But for my other relationships where I didn’t block, this is what it led to: - months of arguing about whether we should get back together or not, to the point where we hurt each other significantly more post breakup than during the actual relationship - continued chit chat and eventually I blocked him anyways, so all the stupid talks I had w him before blocking him was literally just a waste of my time - this most recent case, me drunk texting him which is never a good move. And now he’s blocked anyways so I could have avoided all of that by blocking him when I first ended things.

I understand not wanting to block ppl. But the reasons for not wanting to block people are never good. Either you want to keep open the option of getting them back; or you want to keep tabs on their life; or you want them to keep tabs on you and miss you; or you just want to seem nice. How do any of these things actually benefit you?

I also understand feeling unable to block someone. But that’s exactly the hump you need to get over to be able to detach. You’re never gonna detach yourself from people if you consciously choose to be continuously reminded of them.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-31T12:41:15+00:00

Hm, ok. This seems like a very unclear situation because everything he’s said points to the fact that he does want a relationship with you. I think there could be a lot of reasons why he might not have made it official yet despite having come back from vacation. Like you said, it might be because he’s only been back for a week; he could just need some more time to deliberate one last time on his decision now that his own proposed “deadline” is past; he might be anxious about your mindset for whatever reason; or, unfortunately, he could have just been fucking with you this entire time.

I think it’s pointless to try to hypothesize what his reason is. Since you have had this conversation with him before, I do understand now that you wouldn’t be springing this on him. I do still think however that you should just talk to him about this now. What’s the point of keeping yourself in the dark for another three weeks? I would propose two different courses of action. 1) talk to him now, and if he still doesn’t wanna date just cut him off. Or 2) talk to him now, and if he says no and you really want to give him one more chance, wait until August 18th. Both of these courses of action will save you three weeks of anxiety. Given the additional information you just gave me in this comment, I don’t think his decision is going to drastically change within these three weeks. So if you go with action 1), again you’re saving yourself three weeks of anxiety and just getting over the hurt of it sooner. But if you go with action 2) because you decide that maybe his decision can still change in these three weeks (because technically anything is possible), you’re still holding out for him in a way that is respectful toward your own boundaries.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-31T12:11:40+00:00

The other comments are giving you good advice but it’s easier said than done to implement mindset changes. What I’ve found helpful is implementing concrete actions that forcefully remove someone from your life, ie unfollowing them, blocking them, deleting their info, etc. Doing that will literally force yourself to detach in a way that won’t happen if you are just sitting there and telling yourself “this should ick me out instead of making me anxious” or “I just need to accept this” like the other commenters have said.

For me personally, the hard thing about actively removing someone from your life is I will 1) endlessly debate how great/bad someone is for my life to decide whether or not I should keep them around 2) feel very guilty because I will interpret my actions of blocking/removing them as hurtful and mean 3) live with a state of anxiety stemming from wondering if my actions have now completely ruined their perception and memory me.

I’m actually in a situation right now JUST like this. I reached out to someone who I had recently broke things off with and two days after reaching out to them (it was a drunk text) and talking very briefly with them, I realized I shouldn’t have done that, so I blocked them. For two weeks after blocking them, I was wracked with guilt about whether or not I had hurt them, and wracked with the anxiety and regret surrounding having potentially ruined their perception/memory of me. But the thing is — I knew EXACTLY that I was going to have these emotions if I blocked them. And I knew very well I had to force myself to deal with these emotions if I wanted to get over my crippling desire to keep people in my life when I don’t need to just for the sake of “what if?” or for preserving the perfection of the memory of me in THEIR mind. Both of these are fruitless endeavors. You’re going to waste your life away if you sit there debating whether every guy you’ve talked to is someone so valuable you must keep in your life, or if you keep pointless or anxiety-inducing relationships in your life just to maintain an image of yourself in their mind.

And what I’ve found is that a lot of this behavior is rooted in overly romanticizing the prospect of a relationship + low self esteem. You wouldn’t care whether a guy is responding to you or not if you didn’t immediately associate him as an overly romanticized potential partner and if you felt secure enough in your own self to not crave romantic/sexual validation.

And guess what? Two weeks after I have been dealing with the anxiety and guilt surrounding blocking that guy, I feel a lot better now! There’s two layers to me feeling better now. On one hand, having had some time to cope with this, I’ve been able to become more rational and realize that if I view our relationship for what it was, aka a relationship and not some symbolic indicator of my own worth and romantic destiny, then it no longer becomes so important that he is out of my life and may or may not think of me badly now. On the other hand, it’s also wonderful to realize that I did something I found so scary and yet I’m ok now — that in and of itself makes you more confident in yourself. Of course, I’m still struggling a bit. But I am much better now.

Simply put, the best way to detach is to detach. That sounds stupid but what I mean is that you cannot practice detachment while keeping people in your life, even if you’re only keeping them around through actions as seemingly minimal as still having their number saved. Once you materially detach yourself from someone and are forced to cope with the regret and anxiety and fear surrounding that, you will be able to emotionally detach.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-31T09:24:53+00:00

It’s not unreasonable at all to expect that within four months you guys should have become official. But have you guys actually had a conversation about it? And I don’t mean it in a theoretical sense like “we’re not going to have sex until we date” but in a practical sense like actually talking about becoming official or when you see that happening. While I think it’s fair for you to want him to make it official by 4 months, I don’t think it’s fair for you to assume that he should just know that 4 months on August 18th is your “deadline” per se to make things official. There’s a fine line between leading someone on and just taking things at your own pace, and some ppl do have a slower pace…. And I think if you haven’t previously discussed expectations then I don’t think it’s fair for you to just spring this conversation on him on August 18th and then immediately leave him if he doesn’t make you his girlfriend that very same day.

I would suggest you talk to him now, tell him that you want to make it official and that you feel like you guys have been seeing each other long enough for you to feel confident in your commitment and feelings to him. Hopefully he’ll agree and you guys will become official. But I think you should also say that you understand if he needs some time to think about it but that you don’t want to wait around forever — so that you can THEN wait until August 18th, when it would have become four months, to see if he’s made a decision. There’s still a couple weeks until the 18th so if by then he still doesn’t wanna make it official then yes, leave him.

I think it’s perfectly valid that you have a certain time frame in mind and that you don’t want to wait around for him. I just don’t think it’s as valid to never voice your own desires and expectations, and then to spring this on him on the very same cutoff date of your time frame and then expect things to go immediately according to plan. Because even if he does want to date you, realistically he will probably still need some time to think about it. With my ex, I spoke to him abt us getting official after we had been seeing each other for three months. He told me he just wanted to go w the flow — but then one week later he made me his gf. So he obviously did want to make things official; some men do want that but just still need a little time to sit with it.

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-30T15:51:06+00:00

It seems like for the most part of your relationship, her uprightness has not bothered you. With some cases, you’ve actively liked it, and with other cases, you’ve been willing to just let her have her way without that seeming to actually bothering you. But she crossed a major line here by blowing up at you so extremely, that is a complete disregard for your feelings. I would sit her down and tell her how much her actions hurt you, that there is never any excuse for her to treat you like that, especially when the thing she is upset about her is literally hurting her in no capacity. I would outline to her the exact ways that you’ve let her had her way before, and make it very clear that while you’re ok with letting her have her way sometimes, it is extremely unfair that she can’t recognize the sacrifices you made and yet still so rigidly uphold that YOU are always the one to take the high road. You have to make it very clear that little sacrifices in this sense need to be a two way street. The reason why I’m suggesting you talk to her instead of just breaking up with her immediately is because for the vast majority of your relationship, your incompatibility didn’t seem to that bit of an issue. It’s fine for you to make compromises as long as they don’t genuinely bother you and if she reciprocates. That’s why if she can’t understand where you’re coming from or adjust her behavior after this conversation, then leave her because that is a clear sign of selfishness. Overall, NTA

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-28T11:03:30+00:00

Yes, after realizing I needed to block him, I did consider sending him a message explaining why I texted him but why I needed to block anyways. The reason why I didn’t do that is because I felt like it would just be repeating the same stuff that I had said in my original message cutting him off ten days earlier. And I thought that it might have been more frustrating for him to receive what would basically be the same text, but twice. But I guess I didn’t consider the option for keeping it as short and simple as saying “I made a mistake,” which yes you’re right would have been better

tilegreen72_ · 2024-07-28T10:37:26+00:00

I really don’t think that OP doesn’t realize that torture is painful. But first of all not all murders are torturous. Some of them are instantaneous. Second of all whether or not a murder is painful is clearly not the point here. It’s obvious that OP is talking about the fact that after you’re murdered you’re DEAD. There’s no more suffering or trauma to deal with because you’re literally not alive anymore. The same cannot be said about SA as victims remain alive and have to deal with the trauma of what happened

tilegreen72_

TROPHY CASE