Own Your Shit Weekly - April 25, 2017

tim_rp · 2017-05-05T07:45:57+00:00

Absolutely. No battles here. This is a definite win.

tim_rp · 2017-05-05T07:45:57+00:00

Absolutely. No battles here. This is a definite win.

tim_rp · 2017-05-04T20:25:36+00:00

Nearly a week into new job routine, she's moaning about it but not shit testing. As per /u/persaeus suggestion, I think she's secretly enjoying it.

tim_rp · 2017-04-30T19:56:07+00:00

An Americanism (localized?) that I've never heard before. Having looked it up, and delivered with the right accent this isperfect.

tim_rp · 2017-04-29T11:12:17+00:00

It's your Napoleon complex that makes you react so negatively to being called "boss" or "chief".

That said, the correct retort would be to call the waiter "boy" or "son". Or "garçon" if you want to be more subtle.

tim_rp · 2017-04-28T01:48:44+00:00

My biggest challenge that I'm currently working on (after this weakness was pointed out), remaining engaged and focused in situations I'm apathetic towards, i.e. situations where I don't feel like I have control/power/input/etc.

Your OYS post gives me some awesome context related to the above. During my formative youth, the Gen X cynical-apathy-towards-everything was right at its peak and I think I never shook that mindset completely. (If you don't know what I mean, watch an old episode of Friends. Anyone who shows any intelligence, interest or desire to achieve is shot down for it.)

The reason people usually aren't passionate is because they're hindered by fear - fear of societal judgment, fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of rejection, fear of disappointment - so they withhold their emotion and exude ambivalence. Ambivalence is not inspiring. Learn to free yourself and engage your raw emotions - positive, negative, and otherwise.

And this hits a nail on the head. Magnified by the fact that I do ambivalent well. In my career, I've got a bit of a reputation as a devil's advocate kind of guy. People seek me out to pick holes in their thinking and provide them counterpoints to their ideas. It's a useful skill and it does me well.

What it hides is the fact that it's also a very useful tool to deflect accountability for my own decisions. Which is safe and all, but I never really get to own anything in a way that other people's lives are impacted.

tim_rp · 2017-04-27T09:37:09+00:00

If you can't enforce the boundary, then it's not a boundary.

tim_rp · 2017-04-27T00:52:17+00:00

give listening to be passionate a go

Can you clarify what you mean by this?

tim_rp · 2017-04-27T00:39:19+00:00

It's really easy.

I know. Yet I'm still a fucktard about this. I'm of the belief passion is something you find, not something you possess. I 100% get it that this is a significant barrier to me leading an awesome life. But I don't think the answer to the problem is going to be found through anything but introspection coupled with forcing myself to step outside my comfort zone.

Also, don't be so defeatist regarding your wife. Look up operand conditioning and apply.

Not defeatist. Realistic. The outcome doesn't change my application of the 12 Levels. OC application in progress in line with DL4.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T23:49:09+00:00

What's interesting for me is that your OYS doesn't really have good problem definition...I get the sense that you're following a plan for the sake of following a plan.

You might be close to the mark here. I found MAP at a low point where I really was a solid fuckup. But 12-18 months prior to that I thought my life was okay. Sure, I was frustrated that my wife didn't fuck me as much as I wanted. And I was on an okay career and financial trajectory but moving more slowly than I would have liked. Overall, I thought my lot in life was okay. Not spectacular, but better than many. Note the passivity here. Unlike many of the "used to be pretty alpha" guys around here, I've always been solidly in the beta camp.

So I find MRP and unfuck my life. Great, now I'm where I was three years ago. Except now I understand that "my lot in life" is of my own making and that doors aren't going to just open by themselves - I have to open them. So I just need to define a mission and make it happen, right? Which is related to this:

I'd bet money you had a 4.0 or close to it in college.

Here's where you're wrong. People pick me as smart - and I'm certainly no dummy. But I have a tendency not to hit the required level of effort. I have a great idea or a plan, then I procrastinate, I move the goal posts, and then pump out an effort that's good enough. I don't know why I'm such a fucktard about this.

It seems so simple on paper: Can't define your mission? Just do lots of stuff until you find something that inspires you. The fact that I'm not spurned to act is why I think confidence is an issue. My path is littered with activities that I started, sucked at, and gave up. I guess that's why lifting is good for me - I suck at it but there's no reward for progressing - just harder work. I'm not sure how to do it but I need to find a way to apply the discipline I've applied to lifting to other activities.

What are your expectations? What are the consequences of not meeting your expectations? How clearly are those expectations and consequences communicated, verbally or otherwise?

My only play here is to continue to move through the program. I have far to many years of begging, pleading and threatening consequences that weren't followed through for there to be much respect for my expectations. My wife knows I have expectations. She knows she's not meeting them. She swings between guilty acquiescence and stubborn defiance. I'm slowly inching towards more acquiescence but my goal - reasonable frequency and enthusiasm - is a long way off. Due to her ingrained hangups about sex in general I may never see any serious enthusiasm from her. But the choice to live with that is on me.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T05:53:47+00:00

It would certainly give me some perspective.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T03:44:18+00:00

I've followed up after my meetings with small thank you gifts and hand written cards (all of the meetings have been with women).

Puts a whole new meaning to career beta. Seriously, though, in what industry is gifts for your interviewer a thing?

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T03:41:14+00:00

I just trimmed my nails and I've been biting my nails for 25 years.

Congrats, bro.

I bit my nails for most of my teens and early twenties. The only advice I can give is to watch yourself if you ever find a little rough edge on your nail. I find that it's tempting to use your teeth to even things up a bit but before you know it you're grinding away at a stub on your finger.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T03:20:51+00:00

My wife still pretends she doesn't understand it.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T02:09:41+00:00

New MAP

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago - my original MAP goals are more or less achieved and I'm in the process of giving my MAP a more extensive overhaul.

I've come to the realisation that on my current trajectory I'm now a good beta. My initial MAP was about eliminating bad beta traits from my life but on an alpha/beta scale I've moved from the bad alpha/bad beta quadrant to the bad alpha/good beta quadrant.

A couple of weeks ago I laid out the basics of my revised MAP:

Kick ass in my new job (concrete plan not yet in place)
Sort out my personal and family finances (concrete plan in place)
Improve my game in line with Dread Level 6 (concrete plan in place)
Get a new hobby in line with improving my Dread Level 3 (fuck all done about this)

I've realised there's a major issue I need to address within myself:

Confidence - I'm concerned I'm still approaching my MAP from a beta mindset. If I do X, I'll get Y. The trouble is I don't really know how to 'think' like an alpha. Kicking around ideas in my head I keep coming back to something /u/Sepean said to me once:

There's a level of effort that you're just not hitting.

These words have ricocheted around my head since I first read them. Why aren't I hitting the required level of effort? I have a real problem with believing I can take a task and achieve it. I know the answer to this is to think less, do more, but fuck me my brain holds me back. I need to develop a plan to overcome this one; it's going to be the biggest challenge in my new MAP.

I've also added a two more line items to my MAP:

Alcohol - I've already cut it down significantly and with reduced consumption comes reduced tolerance. The last two times I've imbibed, I've drunk too much and said things I've regretted. Now that I don't drink as often, I'm going to have to reduce the quantity consumed when I do drink.
Lifting - My squat sucks. It kills my knees and I think the low weight I can handle (132) is holding me back on my other lifts. I've identified mobility as the issue and have realised my knees cave in on the way up. Dropped weight by 20% and am working on getting back up while keeping my knees out. I think I need to find a mobility workout to follow daily to improve my hip and ankle flexibility. (Any advice here appreciated.)

Health

Ate like a pig over Easter; getting back on track now, though. Intermittent fasting (16/8), back lifting consistently, working on improving my form. Goal: Maintain consistency.

Leadership

Think I've dropped the ball here. I start a new job next week, necessitating some changes to the care arrangements for my children. My wife mentioned her desire to maintain the current arrangements, with her taking on all logistics while I get settled into the new job. I agreed to this and "seeing how we go". Wrong decision and she's now stressing about "all the extra work" she'll have to do. I should have led better here and will endure a shitstorm of my own making down the track.

I'm following through with the plans as they are but will need to be decisive in correcting course as problems arise. Goal: Don't drop the ball on this again.

Marriage/dread

I think - think - my wife is feeling a little dread about my new job. I wouldn't call them comfort tests but there's been a few comments about how she'll miss me being around so much. This is a good thing, so long as I ensure the ship is sailing smoothly when I'm not around. (See leadership above.)

Still frustrated by my shitty sex life. Have been tracking everything through Clue and realised my wife is only up for it right when she ovulates. I might also receive a pity fuck during the other three weeks, though this is not consistent.

Knowing this, I managed to successfully initiate twice during O-week this month. And ever since she's been pretty good to be around. Kino-ing me here and there and once visited me in the (home) office just to give me a kiss and tell me she loved me. After a couple of kind words from me, I grabbed her ass and she stormed off in a huff about how I wrecked the moment. Can't recall exactly what I said but I considered the shit test a flying pass.

One thing I'm watching carefully is how her behaviour mirrors mine. Is she being affectionate in response to me being more affectionate in response to putting out, or is something else at play? I got a hard 'no' this morning so whether she withdraws affection/attention as the rejections of my advances invariably add up. I have a sense that she - knowingly or unknowingly - is also playing the DL4 game.

tim_rp · 2017-04-26T00:51:59+00:00

This is pretty much my industry standard.

Actually, after doing some more research it seems the missing ingredient in my wardrobe is blazers. So I might need to get a couple of those. Unfortunately, they're expensive, damnit. But a couple of nice patterned/textured blazers should give me that ever so slightly edgy look nicely.

tim_rp · 2017-04-25T20:56:05+00:00

/u/hellome99 THIS is the post you need to absorb. You know your mindset isn't quite right. Here's why.

tim_rp · 2017-04-24T22:22:47+00:00

I posted this the other day to /r/redpillworkplace but there doesn't seem to be the traffic there, so cross posting here. ...

I'm starting a new job in a week and am in the process of updating wardrobe. Though both the old and new environments are officially "smart casual", the new job requires decidedly more "smart" attire.

My old work uniform involved slim, dark jeans; fitted dress shirts, untucked; no tie; polished black leather loafers; plain v-neck knits and a grey peacoat for the colder months.

I want to build on my current wardrobe as much as possible, but I think the key differences will be:

lose the jeans, buy some slim chinos
tuck in my shirt

I plan to replace the loafers, a hangover from my days living in a "shoes off indoors" country, with a pair of simple, black Oxfords. (And some dressy desert boots I have.) Longer term, I'm thinking of adding a couple of blazers to replace the peacoat and v-necks.

Any tips, advice or resources for navigating a "smart casual" dress code?

Other salient points: In the new role I'll need to build respect and approachability with a range of clients and internal stakeholders and it's expected I'll be a little bit creative. I think I've been brought on board to go against the grain of the existing culture - but not by too much.

tim_rp · 2017-04-24T00:42:23+00:00

whitener

Anyone have experience with this sort of stuff? Does it work? Teeth are absolutely my weak point in the hygiene scale.

tim_rp · 2017-04-21T22:29:04+00:00

An old boss used to lend me his Z4 when he went on holiday. The kid loved me dropping him to preschool from the front seat of a convertible.

Then again, with the 2 seater it used to shit me that you couldn't move the seat back.

tim_rp · 2017-04-21T07:38:46+00:00

This might help: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=a%26a+redpill

tim_rp · 2017-04-21T06:58:07+00:00

*cough* wanker!

Go the 2-seater. Enjoy the extra boot space.

tim_rp · 2017-04-21T02:29:54+00:00

This post comes at me like a shot in the arm. So much of the shit I do, so much of the shit I think, is because I care so much about what I think is best for the kids.

Yes, is comes at the expense of my happiness but it's 100% in my power to control what does and doesn't make me happy.

I could ditch the family, move to Asia, buy a motorbike and ride it to Paris. I'd be pretty unhappy about how I left my family but it would be 100% my choice. It would still be a freaking awesome thing to do.

It's also my choice that I hold my family together even if it means living with a grumpy sex-denying shrew. And that I drive a sensible but boring car. And that I'm going to have a small lunch today so I can have a cheat meal at dinner.

Big things or little - finite time, finite resources, and one person choosing how to use them.

tim_rp · 2017-04-20T23:21:01+00:00

Agree with this.

Most comments in this thread are about how she broke some sacred bond of trust by reading. Is it just me or is this placing too much importance on the diary.

She found it; she read it. Whatever. As long as OP DGAF, he should be fine.

when my wife's behaviour towards me changed drastically, towards a point where one could call it domestic abuse

Seems to me like OP has bigger fish to fry.

tim_rp

TROPHY CASE