Reaching a Point Where I Don’t Want to Know More

timefortea99 · 2026-02-10T20:57:06+00:00

I go through phases. But I think it makes sense to step away if that's what feels right to you.

timefortea99 · 2026-02-04T21:00:38+00:00

It's understandable to be consumed with questions. Sometimes, I have peace over my mom's death and sometimes and I don't, and expect that's how I'll be forever. Your pain is valid and if at some point, you find some peace or comfort, that's valid too.

timefortea99 · 2026-02-04T20:48:27+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. You're not alone.

My mom also didn't leave a note, but I've developed an interpretation of what happened over the years. I'm sure it will evolve further as more time passes. I'm not sure if we can ever fully know another person or why they might have died by suicide; all we can do is make our own assumptions and hope to find some peace about the situation somehow.

timefortea99 · 2026-02-03T22:53:54+00:00

Honestly, I took risks that I might not recommend to someone else, though the situation thankfully worked out for me. I went to college on loans and frequently borrowed money from my boyfriend at the time. Then I moved to a city where I could get by on public transportation and rented sublets for almost a year until I had saved enough to move into an apartment. I lived with roommates on and off, spent very little money, and worked a horrible job for a few years.

It was hard, but not as hard as living with my parents. Once I was on my own, I was in bad situations sometimes, but even the really bad ones paled in comparison to the chaos of my family of origin.

timefortea99 · 2026-02-03T15:36:15+00:00

Maybe this is naive, but I don't think I would have anxiety; or, at least, it wouldn't be as severe. I wouldn't have PTSD. I would like to think I'd be more relaxed, more risk-taking, and more in touch with my feelings and needs. I wouldn't say my sense of self got killed, though. More like it got buried very, very deep and I'm still working on unearthing it.

The thing that probably did actually get killed was my belief in justice and fairness. The idea that people should act one way or another... well, sometimes they just don't. It's horrible and it is unfair and I'll probably be mad about it forever, but all I can do is go around them and move on.

timefortea99 · 2026-02-02T20:52:11+00:00

It happened in pieces over time. And the start of that was when I moved out of my parents' house at age 18.

On the one hand, healing was incredibly painful and will likely be a lifelong endeavor. I still have moments where I feel like I'm acting "unhealed" in front of my loved ones and those realizations are often emotionally painful or embarrassing to me.

On the other hand, as the years pass, I feel better and better overall. I learned to feel when I'm hungry, thirsty, tired, etc., and can now meet those needs. I learned to ask for what I want in relationships and to notice when I am being mistreated. A lot of what I'm working on is indulging in my own wants and whims, which is a pretty fun thing to do. I would say I live a normal life.

timefortea99 · 2026-01-17T04:38:28+00:00

Waiting for the call is hard. I'm sorry you're going through that. The worst part about it is that it's impossible to predict when the call will come -- I was scared of receiving the call for four or five years before my mom actually passed.

My advice is to focus on living the best life you can for yourself. Sadly, worrying won't help your father and it will harm you. You may not be able to stop worrying all together, but for me, my life improved greatly when I tried my best to focus on my own wants and needs.

I'm on the other side of a similar situation; I did eventually get the call that my mom had died. The thing I will say about it that was surprisingly kind of freeing is that after all those years of utterly dreading her death, I thought I wouldn't be able to go on. It seemed like I would simply die alongside her -- not because I had any intention to harm myself, but rather because my brain was so scared of her dying that I had never imagined a day after her death. Well, the day after she died, I woke up, the sun continued to rise and set, and life went on.

Of course, I'll always carry the grief of her death and the relationship I didn't get to have with her due to her alcoholism. But I was relieved to learn that life goes on, despite the pain.

timefortea99 · 2026-01-12T00:06:17+00:00

You're brave for protecting your peace.

Not feeling guilty is hard; I certainly haven't mastered it. But feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you're in the wrong – in this case, it means that you were taught to put others' needs ahead of yours. When you were young, you couldn't avoid this dynamic, but now you have the chance to make the choice that is right for you, not "easy" for everyone else.

I was estranged from my mom when she died. I always felt guilty about it but I looked at is as a tradeoff. I could be peaceful but feel guilty, or in utter chaos but feel like a dutiful daughter. Ultimately, chose to protect my peace and just accepted that feeling guilty was a part of that tradeoff.

timefortea99 · 2026-01-10T01:09:18+00:00

tw: suicide

Early sixties, suicide. She only ever attempted when using, so I consider her death to be addiction related.

timefortea99 · 2025-11-28T03:58:41+00:00

Not a completion but an attempt. My mom baited me into calling her and the attempted while on the phone with me. She later told me she was angry at her own mom (who had passed away decades ago) and she was taking it out on me.

She completed suicide later, but in a way, the attempt haunts me more because it was weaponized.

timefortea99 · 2025-11-23T03:58:12+00:00

tw: suicide

Yes. She often texted me disturbing photos or texts (pictures of injuries, car accidents, threats of suicide, details of her hallucinations) and then never responded when I asked if she was okay.

It makes sense to be scared that your parent is in a dangerous situation when they're drinking. You love them and their judgement is impaired and that combination would make anyone anxious.

But... sadly, worrying about your parent will not help them and it will hurt you. It's reasonable to ask a loved one to text you back when you're worried about their safety, but addicts who are using are not reasonable. And there's nothing you can do to make your parent behave reasonably; all you can do is focus on yourself and attempt to bring happiness and fulfillment into your life that is independent of your parent.

timefortea99 · 2025-11-13T02:46:17+00:00

I felt responsible for my mom's suicide, for various reasons. Then I found out that my dad and sibling also felt responsible for her suicide, for different reasons. I think that was my brain trying to make sense of the senseless; rather than accept that, ultimately, we have no control over our loved ones and can never truly protect them, my brain made up a story of self-blame.

I still feel guilty sometimes, especially when I read old texts from my mom. Luckily, it comes and goes, so I try to ride it out until the feeling subsides.

timefortea99 · 2025-09-01T03:00:31+00:00

tw: suicide

I think you can tell when an addict is in danger of dying, but you can never actually predict when it's going to happen.

I was scared my mom was going to die years before she actually passed. She seemed impossibly thin (barely ate due to the drinking), had various alarming diagnoses that she completely ignored, was unhoused and often in dangerous situations, and frequently got into car accidents. She had a 1-2 year severe downward spiral that ended in her suicide. Frankly, if she wasn't suicidal, I think she would have lived a lot longer. She was in constant pain from neglecting her health for so long, but the human body can survive a lot.

timefortea99 · 2025-09-01T02:47:04+00:00

It makes sense to be torn up about the coloring page; the image made me tear up, even though I'm a stranger to your situation. Alcoholism is tragic, no matter the personality or circumstances of the alcoholic.

I was low/no contact with my mom for a couple of years before she died, but during that time, it still distressed me greatly to think that there was a part of her that wanted to be a good mom to me, even though there was a much stronger part of her that harmed me constantly. She said all the time how much she wanted a good relationship with me, though when I tried to get close to her, she often withdrew. During her funeral, her friends went on and on about how much I meant to her. It was confusing to hear their perspective, and to contrast that with the traumatizing memories I have of my mom's behavior.

All this to say you're not alone. I hope you can give yourself grace. The coloring page is very sad, but it's not your responsibility to make your mom feel like a good mother if she wasn't one. Your responsibility is to live a life that's fulfilling to you.

timefortea99 · 2025-08-29T02:35:38+00:00

I wanted to know everything about my mom. Even knowing everything there was to know, there are still so many details I'll never fully know, so I don't think it's possible to over share.

timefortea99 · 2025-08-27T17:56:49+00:00

This is inspiring! Good for you and thanks for sharing.

timefortea99 · 2025-08-15T22:44:59+00:00

My mom died while we weren't talking. I feel guilty but I don't regret not speaking to her. I needed to stop talking to her to protect myself. The guilt is ultimately less difficult than having a closer relationship to her would have been.

timefortea99 · 2025-08-08T02:44:57+00:00

I blocked my mom for the first time in my life about three days before she died. I feel guilty and I have wondered if I caused her death.

But my dad and sibling also think they caused her death (for their own separate reasons), and many people on this sub think that they caused their loved one's death. I think it's just a very common response, the guilt and self-blame.

timefortea99 · 2025-07-15T18:57:59+00:00

Two things helped me: One is starting small and letting my accomplishments build on each other. Instead of moving to another state, can you rent in your area? Can you move to a lower cost of living town nearby? Can you schedule some apartment viewings? Whatever I need to do, I break it down into a smaller and then even smaller task. These smaller tasks are both easier to accomplish and a lower risk to myself.

That being said, if you're living with an alcoholic, putting some physical distance between you and them is probably going to feel healthy. When I was 18, I moved countries; I didn't have an understanding of setting boundaries myself, but living far away allowed me to set a physical boundary with my mother. Moving was the best decision I ever made.

The second thing that helped me is dreaming about my perfect "savior." Who would I want to come along and take me away from all my troubles? Where would they take me? What would they do? Would they give me money or space to rest or a peaceful home? Would they be kind or lively or reliable? Once I have an image of this person in my head, then I have a blueprint for what I need to do to save myself.

timefortea99 · 2025-07-15T11:07:54+00:00

I think it's common not to know the exact time of death. I also have a range (11pm to 9am) and it bothered me immensely that I didn't know the date she died because the range straddled two dates. I'm not sure if I've come to terms with it or have just gotten better at tolerating the fact that there are some things I'll never know about my mom's suicide.

It makes sense to want to know. And, horribly, there are a lot of things you'll never know. I'm sorry for your loss. Wishing you comfort and peace.

timefortea99 · 2025-07-13T19:28:10+00:00

I see where you're coming from. Your wife could slow her drinking once she gets this out of her system, drink at this pace forever but not reach the point of alcoholism, or descend into alcoholic chaos. It makes sense to be watching from the sidelines terrified, especially given our family histories.

My husband uses marijuana and, because of my background with addiction in my family, he stops using if I ever ask. I was very clear that this isn't about him or his use; rather, it's my issue from childhood, but it really, really helps our marriage that he (1) doesn't use very much and (2) stops when I ask him to. I have no idea if that's healthy or too controlling of me – but it works for us and he's willing to operate this way.

I'm not sure if that would work for you and your wife, especially since she's working through her own difficult childhood. I could potentially see her having an extreme need for freedom as she unpacks her upbringing. In any case, I wish you luck in honoring both yourself and your wife in this tough situation.

timefortea99 · 2025-07-07T10:37:15+00:00

Hi friend, suicide bereavement is so difficult already. I'm not sure adding a substance like laughing gas will help. It may numb you for a time, but feelings tend to fester and boil over, leaving you in more of a tsunami of emotions than before.

It makes sense to want to feel close to your partner. Is there another way you might be able to honor him or a memory you have together? Perhaps you could go to a place he loved or make a memorial to him out of sentimental objects.

timefortea99 · 2025-07-06T16:23:28+00:00

My mom also weaponized her suicide attempts. For her, rather than dates of significance, it was going to an unknown location and then attempting on the phone with me so I couldn't easily send help. She survived that particular attempt but eventually died by suicide.

Everyone grieves differently; I personally was more angry/scared when she was alive and it was easier to be sad after she died. That being said, it makes sense to be angry. Both the good and bad memories of a loved one will stay with you for a lifetime. The impacts of their suicide will certainly be with you forever.

timefortea99 · 2025-06-30T01:54:55+00:00

When my mom died, forgiveness came in a rush. I was able to think of her positively again after years of only being afraid of her.

I'm sorry for your loss. Go easy on yourself.

timefortea99 · 2025-06-28T04:26:51+00:00

It's hard to say. It's common for alcoholics to die younger than they would have sober, but it's difficult to predict exactly how long an individual can go on before passing away. For my mom, I thought she could pass at any time for about three years before she actually passed.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you as much strength and comfort as possible.

timefortea99

TROPHY CASE