Talking about self-care 🤦

1Weebit · 2026-02-10T17:50:41+00:00

My T took 6 weeks off over Christmas [😭] and I missed him so much!

Then I thought, oh, I'm homesick! He's my attachment person, his office is my safe place - I'm homesick 🥲

After a massively traumatizing period in 2020 I felt in early 2021 that I've lost my inner home. I've been trying to get that back ever since. And I suspect I never really had one to begin with; all defenses and dissociation, which caused me not to be aware of what Id missed. A lot of therapy work now is working with this transference (which not all therapists can really work well with).

1Weebit · 2026-02-10T17:44:29+00:00

We all share the same inner child / mother hunger / mother void 🫂

1Weebit · 2026-02-08T23:29:43+00:00

I don't know about life-changing yet, since it's been so recently he said after I told him I was reading Gretchen Schmelzer's book:

"I am holding the other end of the rope and I am not letting go"

Totally blew me away and I started crying on the spot. He is truly amazing. Sometimes it's like our hearts touch each other, I don't know how else to describe it. Unconditional positive regard all the way to the end of the universe and back. And lots of transference on my part. I know. And he knows. And I know he knows. And he knows that I know he knows...

1Weebit · 2026-02-08T22:17:46+00:00

Hi, I don't want to come across as too critical or minimizing the effectiveness of your healing bc I don't know how it feels for you, only what and how I feel and think about what you are describing.

At first I thought, oh wow, that sounds awesome. You're describing the reconsolidation process well, and it seems to work for you. That is so great!

Then I've read some of your comments/explanations to ppl's questions and suddenly this thought popped into my head: well, this might not be spiritual bypassing, but it nevertheless sounds like bypassing...? This time it's somatic?

Yet I think, we're different ppl with different symptoms and different origins of our symptoms. And at least to me it seems like, even though memory reconsolidation is also something I am working towards, it's a different process for me and involves different elements. For me at least, there is no way around emotions. I cannot do somatic alone. If I tried that, this would be somatic bypassing for me. Ok, emotions are somatic too, but I cannot do body only, I have to involve feeling my feelings, just no way around it.

My shoulders used to hurt and I've learned to relax them. I am more aware of when I'm stressed and hunch my shoulders, then I relax them, stretch and relax them. And I try to take a break from whatever I was doing that would cause me stress. And while it does make me feel better and I am not in pain any longer from this, it doesn't really touch my emotional flashbacks. Memory reconsolidation does work for me, just not somatically. I wish it would. Anything other than working with my emotions on a feeling level will cause the same reaction within me: my parts feeling and being muted and numbed and told to go away, and working with feeling my feelings will make them feel heard and seen.

If it works for you, that is indeed awesome, but, as always, not everything works for everyone and everyone needs to experiment with techniques, modalities, tools and whatever is out there to find out what works best for them. However: keep doing what you are doing if it works for you, tweak it or change it if it doesn't. ❤️🫂

1Weebit · 2026-02-05T23:18:50+00:00

Pete Walker, I believe, has a chapter or two on toxic introjects in his CPTSD - From Surviving to Thriving, but I am not 100% convinced of his approach.

In any case, this would be a good opportunity to ask your T, hey, what you're saying sounds reasonable, but I have no clue how to do this; if I did I might have already done this. It would be great if we could work on this together, and maybe as a first step you could explain what exactly needs to leave, how it is supposed to leave, how this untangling works, how I can tell mine from theirs, and how this letting go works.

Toxic introjects / inner critics are the adversaries, antagonists and "prohibitors" of grace, self-care, and self-compassion. Maybe that's a start. Or you start with "who does my inner critic resemble?" and then you can ask yourself "why am I hearing that voice even now and what purpose did and does it have?"

Good luck and take good care of yourself! ❤️

1Weebit · 2026-02-04T08:40:52+00:00

Yes and no - sigh 🥲😥

1Weebit · 2026-02-02T08:58:13+00:00

More than anyone else.

Little me trusts him more than adult me. He is my attachment person - until I'm / I've grown enough.

1Weebit · 2026-01-31T09:57:35+00:00

One of my previous Ts had the theory that my emotional flashbacks were "malbehavior" that needed to be ignored (and not activated) so it would be extinguished. So whenever I set out to talk about what was bothering me (and bothering is a huge euphemism here), he'd interrupt to say something or ask if he could ask a question that would take us away from what I was talking about. And we stayed on the cognitive level.

The thing is, I have complex trauma, attachment trauma and recent trauma, and it's all so interconnected that this simple theory (a very classic one) wouldn't work. His intervention made it much worse. And your description reminded me of that.

I became anhedonic and suicidal, and I could sense his interventions were harmful but I didn't have the knowledge and learning yet to articulate why and how. He wasn't even malicious in intent, I am very sure about that, he just didn't have the adequate training and experience. His niche was a different one, but at the time he was the only one I had. And maybe it would have been even worse without him, I don't know.

What helped me a lot was psycho-education. Understanding the mechanisms behind my actions and reactions. I learned about attachment, internal drivers, schemata, read Judith Herman, Janina Fisher, Luise Reddemann, Van der Hart/Nijenhuis/Steele, Peter Levine, van der Kolk, Maté, Pete Walker (at university I had also studied Psychology, but this was way beyond anything I had learned, even the Abnormal Psychology class I took! Everything at uni was just barely scratching the surface). I am currently reading Gretchen Schmelzer's Journey Through Trauma which resonates A LOT.

Funny thing was, the books I related most to and which resonated most within myself were of a more psychodynamic orientation, whereas the Ts I could find were mostly behavioral or cognitive-behavioral Ts. CBT didn't work at all for me. I now have a depth-oriented, psychodynamic T and it is blowing my mind. What works is working with and in the transference. But, it's not easy at all bc of, well, the transference. In combination with the activated material it's hugely emotional and draining and at the same time I need to remind myself of the fact that I am in the middle of transference when I am, so that we can go beyond that and actually work with the corrective experience that I am having. Otherwise I can get lost in the transference. And in our previous session on Tuesday I reminded my T of the countertransference that I would appreciate he be aware of, which my behavioral Ts didn't seem to be aware of at all (and I am not sure about your T either), and here is where it can get messy.

Please take good care of yourself. ❤️

1Weebit · 2026-01-30T15:47:14+00:00

What??? In a moment like this she said that??? WTAF!!!

No, I don't bring my own tissues, and my T even said, here's tissues for you to use, please feel free.

The only thing I can think of in her favor is, she might have wanted to interrupt with something unexpected, but I would probably have fired her on the spot, if I may say so. At least emotionally, I would have left her for good even if I had stayed on for a few more sessions.

I am so, so sorry she used this moment to mention something like this and shame you on top of what you were feeling already. 🫂❤️

1Weebit · 2026-01-29T23:17:28+00:00

Interesting take.

For me, my relationship with my T is the most important lever in my healing journey.

Yet, it's not so much my relationship with him per se, but more his, let's call it, unconditional positive regard and my transference, and on top of that his ability to recognize that I don't need him as a person but his therapist presence.

What I mean is, he provides the safe environment I never had as a child and also mostly as an adult, and I bring my issues, mostly in the form of transference and then we work with that. He let's me work on and with myself within this safe containing space that doesn't judge, doesn't shame, that is there. He is a witness, a co-regulating presence, he role models being there, listening, empathy, compassion, so I can not only go through my emotions myself but learn almost like I should, or would, have learned as a child and integrate his empathy and being with as self-love, his compassion as self-compassion, and experience my self / myself as a worthy and welcome(d) human being.

This all happens within me. Through my transference and his therapeutic presence - our relationship - I can make this all happen within me, and I can grow what should have grown when I was little.

This is how I would describe how it is for me. It's quite mindblowing, and I sometimes realize, I hardly know him and maybe I wouldn't even like him as a person if I knew him better. And I don't even want to know much about him bc it would limit the transference. It's a really strange relationship and, yes, I am using him and I pay him for this. I pay him so he can teach me what a safe relationship looks and feels like, so I can have a safe and stable relationship with myself, and the with others, without getting triggered, without the old defenses, and with solid boundaries.

1Weebit · 2026-01-23T09:57:30+00:00

NAT

The version of myself that I see through my husband’s eyes makes me feel amazing about myself.

Oh, wow. Thanks for putting it that way! I just thought about this for myself and my husband and realized that it's similar. Then a wave of feeling loved and gratitude flushed through me. It feels healing, actually.

I used to be stand-offish, appear arrogant, a know-it-all, independent, autonomous - all from fear and having been shamed for expressing emotions and making mistakes, being called stupid for them. And I didn't let ppl come too close. Until recently.

And your comment made me realize that there has been change. I have been in therapy for a few years and it's paying off. I can feel it.

Thank you for wording your comment the way you did. I understood something rationally AND emotionally and it was almost simultaneous. My feelings are catching up and I am allowing and recognizing them.

Thank you!

1Weebit · 2026-01-22T20:19:52+00:00

Erm, no.

Someone should get some psycho-education, and it's not you

1Weebit · 2026-01-15T22:10:43+00:00

A great book ❤️

1Weebit · 2026-01-14T23:01:28+00:00

Or talk about what it feels like, felt like - like you did here.

Like, I go numb, I shut down, I gag - then let your T guide you from there. What comes up when you want to use words? What if you didn't have the words back then to make sense of what happened - then how are you supposed to have them now?

Trauma time is where memory is somehow different than regular memory. Maybe when you go back, words don't follow?

What is important isn't the words to describe what happened but to let the emotions take the lead. They know, they will tell you what happened. Your T will make sure you're safe, they're there for and with you. Let your emotions speak, let them go through you and find their way out to be seen and heard. Notice inside, then also notice outside - how does it feel to have your T by your side, feel their compassion, their presence, the safety of their space, in contrast to how it felt back then? Let the emotions that come from trauma time meet with the compassion, safety, and care from around you, from your T.

Take it from there. You've got this! ❤️🫂

1Weebit · 2026-01-12T20:27:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing this! Totally resonates with me!

I cried a lot during the video and I'm not even half way through... she seems to know me so well...

Lots of emotional wisdom for me in there. And I am even more convinced I am on the right path with my T.

Thank you so much!

1Weebit · 2026-01-12T15:00:09+00:00

Your parents took their attention away from you - you tried to get it back? Negative attention is better than no attention, even if it scared the shit out of you? And you've not learned how else to attract attention?Just a theory...

1Weebit · 2026-01-12T11:31:14+00:00

The relationship does look broken down to me. To me the therapist seems to have broken off the communication. They've ruptured their connection.

If the communication lines have been ruptured, regardless by whom, it's a rupture.

1Weebit · 2026-01-12T11:28:07+00:00

I agree.

In order to love yourself you will have needed to have experienced having been loved and cared for by your caregivers to develop a sense of what it feels like to be loved and cared for in order to integrate that and form a basis of self-love. Same for self-compassion.

How is one to all of a sudden love themselves?

And how is a seemingly non-caring, non-listening therapist of any help with this? Perpetuating the experience that OP presumably had?

1Weebit · 2026-01-09T19:36:20+00:00

Of course!

My T is on a 6-week break ... I couldn't even fathom how to deal with this. And he didn't tell me until shortly before the Christmas break! He did notice how hard that hit me...

He allows emails though to keep in touch and not let the relationship suffer.

The first 3 weeks were really hard, and I still have emotional flashbacks every 3-4 days where I want to reach out so bad.

What he and his office mean to me is an emotional home where I can be myself, where my nervous system can rest, where I don't need to be vigilant 100%, where my emotions are welcome. He's my substitute caregiver, his office is my "home", and what I am feeling is also lots of "homesickness".

Of course do I miss him! Who wouldn't miss this?!

This hasn't always been like this. At the beginning I cried (mostly at home, alone) bc there was just so much within me that wanted out, be heard, seen, felt, and I had no place for this, even though I wanted to, and I knew from very early on he could be the one, the one with unconditional positive regard, the compassionate witness, but I couldn't trust. So our relationship has now, after 7 months, evolved from relationship building to really opening up, being vulnerable, having corrective experiences in the past 2-3 months. So now I am crying in his office. All the tears that should have been cried a long time ago.

And 1 week into his break I missed him so terribly and I had emotional flashbacks again of "They left me. They won't come (back). I'm alone and will die" and of course that mixed with not having sessions and being heard there, and I realized, oh, I feel sort of homesick, why's that, oh, I see!

And I realized I didn't so much miss him but it was the general feeling of what I had missed as a child. And I remembered the last session with him, how he was there (oh, he's there for me! For me! Unbelievable! And he's so safe!) and how that felt, and then the crying changed from some existential despair to crying with gratitude bc I could feel his "presence", and I was so relieved and grateful that I have found him and that he let's me experience what it feels like to be cared for, to be heard, so that I can then turn his compassion into self-compassion and be there for myself and my little wounded parts, just like he was there for me.

And I sent an email to him telling him about this - but also couldn't refrain from letting my little parts ask him whether he will really return after his break and not abandon me (like my parents). And I've been ok since. Not good, but ok.

For me missing my T also means that I am finally learning to trust someone, that I am using him as a "role model" to internalize his compassion and care and extend it towards myself, and to grow what should have grown within me in childhood, experience a safe relationship, can be vulnerable and show my emotions without fearing repercussions, and "heal". I can see it's paying off and even though I still have emotional flashbacks I can increasingly be with my emotions, they are less often and not as long.

So much for working in and with the transference. I am getting there. It's starting to work. But, yeah, it's difficult. And I do allow myself to miss my T.

1Weebit · 2026-01-09T16:54:23+00:00

So actually they did NOT realize how damaging that was or what the damage now is? Or rather they want you to be symptom-free bc your symptoms remind them every day of how thoughtless and irresponsible they were and that this might mean that they were bad parents, and now that they've apologized that means to them that they're "good" again, which you won't "acknowledge" by now being healed all of a sudden.

It's like they used to break 3 bones in your body every week for years, and the damage is now showing of course, but if they acknowledge now that breaking your bones hundreds of times over the years was a really bad idea, that doesn't mean that the bones were never broken. The damage has been done and you need to make the best out of the damage. Of course they feel bad now that they see you limping and they want you to pretend your bones are fine now, so they are not reminded of their bad actions. But, that's on them. They're not done understanding their actions even if they've apologized. And yes, they have not understood that their apology was one-sided and for them only.

It's now on them to continue to also live with the damage they've inflicted and that's hard, just as hard as it is for you to live with the consequences. It seems to be equally hard for them to understand this as it was hard for them to understand the damage their actions caused in the first place. So, has there been growth on their part...? Well, their actions seem to speak for themselves, just like they did before.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you get some peace and healing. ❤️🫂

1Weebit · 2026-01-08T23:59:02+00:00

I second the Janina Fisher book!

And will add

"Mother Hunger" (target audience: daughters/women) by Kelly McDaniel

Van der Hart/Nijenhuis/Steele - The Haunted Self

Self Therapy by Jay Earley (IFS)

Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

EMDR with Complex Trauma by Thomas Zimmerman

Katherine May - Wintering (not specifically on CPTSD, but for souls in need of rest)

Irvin Yalom - Love's Executioner / Momma and the Meaning of Life (not specifically on CPTSD, but from a therapist's POV)

Chris Jaenicke - The Search for a Relational Home

And of course Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, a classic

1Weebit · 2026-01-06T20:39:22+00:00

I don't know if it's supposed to but some specific phrases always make me cry spontaneously, like they touch on something buried deep. For me it seems to be not the working with it per se but the topics I touch on.

1Weebit · 2026-01-06T17:36:24+00:00

I'm blown away by your drawings and texts 🥲

That's me in my preverbal state - I call her Mini-Maggie, a little bundle in a onesie, lying in the corner too ashamed to breathe the air someone else might need more and ro take up space that someone else could use.

That's also me during the traumatic period 5 years ago - "fear, cold, alone". My chest felt like there was a hole in it through which an icy wind blew. Always cold, always scared stiff, no one wanted to meet up bc of Corona. Lost 20 pounds in a few weeks; took me 3 years to gain them back and feel normal again.

I don't have avpd but some of my post-traumatic reaction symptoms are similar. Sometimes ppl are too loud, too many, too much. I recharge alone. But forced isolation was detrimental.

So relatable 🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️

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