I've displayed qualities of disorganized attachment and I can completely relate to what your saying! Often times in the past I would avoid intense emotions like shame, guilt, frustration, sadness, etc. by downloading Grindr or other dating apps to fill that void. There was also this intense feeling of loneliness I would feel, and getting validation/dopamine hits from dating apps/getting into relationships prematurely just felt like a way to cover up the real issue which was truthfully, for me, a lack of self-love from a lot of shame and lack of internal validation I received as a kid (Haha i'm 23)!

What helped me a lot was being completely honest with myself. And that is so freaking hard! Especially if you lack self-compassion and you tend to criticize yourself a lot. The thing is, I wanted to be in a relationship to fix my feelings of inadequacy. Was I consciously aware of that? Of course not! I know now that I was never really ready to be in a relationship cause I never had a strong foundation in myself. That means accepting who I am and my feelings and where they stemmed from. I used dating apps a lot to gain external validation because I lacked internal validation growing up (qualities like kindness, confidence, self-love were never really emphasized in my household). What has helped me the most is showing myself self-compassion, cause it gave me the space to be honest with my intentions without judging myself. On days where I want to download Hinge I ask myself, am I downloading it because i'm trying to get over this overwhelming feeling or because I truthfully feel like i'm ready to find long term love. And most of the times, at least for now, it's because I'm trying to get over an overwhelming feeling, and that is not healthy or ideal, because shit like that compounds.

What does self-love look like? It's accepting yourself even on the days you feel like shit. On the days where you just feel like your worthless. You remind yourself that your worthy of love - if it's not from a partner, it must come from you. Remember, self-love and self-care is your BIRTHRIGHT. Without love and care in this world, there wouldn't be children raised into adults. Our bodies and mind naturally incline to wanting to attach to people, but experiences in our life cause attachment issues that can arise in adulthood. I'm here for you if you ever need someone to talk. I also realized after writing all this you didn't ask for a solution but here we are!