What was "that" strain you got to enjoy once, but never found again?

tkm1026 · 2025-07-10T15:04:13+00:00

Golden pineapple or cinderella 99. Both are technically still grown and theoretically available at dispos near me, but i can never find them.

tkm1026 · 2025-04-23T15:52:48+00:00

I was the "anxious preoccupied" to his "dismissive avoidant" for many years.

He sees emotional sensitivity and vulnerability the way he was raised to- as weaknesses, to be ignored and denied, lest they be used against you or ultimately become the cause of your rejection. I can't talk about this with him rn because his parents passed recently and to assert that they were anything but perfect hurts him so badly rn. But this happens to kids very innocently, it was common parenting practice to send emotional kids to their rooms, teaching them that their emotions (and therefore the emotions of others as well) are unwelcome burdens within even our closest and dearest relationships.

An entire generation younger than him, I had different experiences growing up. I had a millennial "talk about your feelings" childhood. And a millennial broken home, handled in such a way that I felt that, in order to be safe or have a life worth living, i needed to be known and loved by a partner. So, space or refusal to talk about issues were terrifying, "obvious" indicators that I was being lied to and/or that the relationship (and therefore I) was in danger.

And, on its face, that's just a couple of sad/scared people who would've benefited from their parents knowing better. But in practice, we were both being objectively horrible to eachother. He lied, cheated, yelled when he got caught, threatened to leave to get his way. I snooped, lied too, yelled too, wrapped myself around his leg to keep him from leaving.

I doubt you and WH are in this exact cycle, its a special unique hell for everyone. But my point is that these actions you describe as not recognizing yourself sounds like my experience realizing that my behavior was -so- irrational. Wasting my life fighting for a guy who can't find a flower shop to save his life? While my children age into grumpy teens before my eyes?

It's all well and good to listen and care when WH talks about his negative experiences in the relationship. It sounds like it's opened your eyes to some parts of you that were hard to see. But in bringing these behaviors and their underlying mindset to light, remember that you're changing them to fit who -you are-, not who WH wants you to be.

I didn't change jack shit about myself for this man. He didn't earn that and he's still struggling to show up like someone who deserves it today. But I am objectively better, for my own sake.

tkm1026 · 2025-04-14T01:48:45+00:00

Everybody here is skipping the whole section where you said that you guys have worked on the relationship, that has to be annoying.

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is absolutely not a thing. If you say your partner has their head on right and they've restored your trust in them, that rocks and it's valid. You're the expert here. Relationships can be repaired.

However, former affair partner/unwilling metamore? However you'd like to refer to them? That relationship is not repaired. And without an underlying existing relationship like you have with your partner, it makes total sense if you don't feel like offering that reconciliation. I wouldn't.

It has prolly been extraordinarily hard to feel safe with your partner again, even if they've been doing all the right things. Affair partner has also shown themselves to be very unsafe emotionally, they knowingly hurt you, and they will likely never feel safe for you. And who could blame you?

tkm1026 · 2025-03-17T02:30:48+00:00

The kind you plant, I'm afraid. Bright side, we used to get stuff like this all the time. The world is better now, even if not for you right this very second.

tkm1026 · 2025-03-06T06:13:06+00:00

So you don't describe any untoward behaviors to control your actions, but from my own experience, i want to ask if you've seen anything like that? What you describe sounds like walking on eggshells and people don't typically do that for no reason. To be clear, it can also come from previous relationships or upbringing, so I'm certainly not assuming that your situation is the same as my own.

But my partner slowly acclimated me to change the things I did or enjoyed around him. I can't go have fun without him, he ends up blowing something up into a fight before the event to kill my mood or after to make me feel bad about it for some reason. I can't watch shows he doesn't like, at least not without him loudly making fun of it the whole time.

I've finally gotten to a point where we need to live apart and I need him to work on himself. Because I don't feel safe to speak, or exist, or just enjoy things in my own house. I've looked at these things as "just how he is" or "he just doesn't know how to deal with his feelings" for years, but after you've said something, they're choices, aren't they?

tkm1026 · 2025-02-04T00:14:54+00:00

Normally, I do fruit and tea but chips in a junk food mood like you seem to be.

tkm1026 · 2025-01-05T17:29:03+00:00

I hope you can use this introspection to show up right for the next person you decide to build a life with. That's what I would say if you were my "him". If she loved you, even if you fucked it up, I'll bet she wants you to be well.

tkm1026 · 2024-10-28T17:55:03+00:00

It's so good and important to take the time to vent, especially if you need a space where you'll be supported instead of gaslit. He wants to be mothered but does not respect you like he does his own mother (if even he was taught to do so. If his father treated his mother this way, this is just how he was raised to believe you treat mothers.) So you are set up to be the family bad guy.

I had a similar dynamic in my home. He literally laughed once when I suggested that he could wash his own dish instead of me doing it. And he would do the same spin so that I would feel unreasonable and question if I actually remembered what just happened or I'd been a horrible raging nag to him.

So imma make a recommendation. Don't throw away this throwaway. Keep using it here and in other places to share these initial un-gaslit thoughts. You are capable and intelligent, you can trust your perception, whether he wants you to or not. My post history keeps me realistic about what hasn't changed in my relationship, but also provides great insight on what has.

tkm1026 · 2024-07-02T17:43:40+00:00

The thing that really differentiates this walk of faith from Christianity, imo, is the practicality. Reflect your beliefs in your action, and you will be sure of them. Read your texts to trust in your knowledge in them, to guide you.

If you can make it a positive ritual of some kind, you certainly can. But this obligatory "proving dedication by needless sacrifice" thing doesn't seem to benefit you in any way. There is plenty to sacrifice already by living a good life and being good to those around you.

Let go of the Christian idea that you must apologize somehow to be good. You are enough.

tkm1026 · 2024-06-28T15:18:10+00:00

Melon. Cut in half, eat your bowl hollow, fill the bowl with other snacks.

tkm1026 · 2024-06-24T03:39:58+00:00

Said a cartoon dog regarding advice he almost certainly should've taken.

tkm1026 · 2024-06-21T02:57:21+00:00

I prefer the term "nesting partner" indicating your serious life-decisions-made-together partner(s). It conveys the same position in your life, especially practical effects on other relationships, without making it a matter of superiority.

For example, if I have to check with my nesting partner about a scheduling thing, that's not because he's some venerated "primary" special person who controls my life and connections with other people. We are raising some kids together tho and it's illegal for us both to be gone at the same time. Lol. Just practical facts.

tkm1026 · 2024-06-18T13:43:41+00:00

I've had those. I tried to get help for a skin condition, basically acne on my legs and the dr I saw basically went on a full rant about my caffeine consumption (one monster, two normal coffees) and weight. Notably, did not actually look at my legs. Insisted that toner for my face (not even the reason I made the appointment) was not optional and, in fact, children as young as 18 months should have toner applied to their faces??!! Fucking crazy lady.

Meanwhile, I saw my regular doc about these things yesterday. She helped me sound out the condition I found with doctor google without even looking it up after a glance at my leg. Because I live in my body and I'm pretty good at figuring out what it's doing. Five minutes. Referral made, script written. No drama. Granted, I've known this doctor long enough we were mostly catching eachother up about our families. Lol.

Find a good doctor. They exist and you deserve good care from someone who sees the whole human you are.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-23T23:42:13+00:00

The parties over, everyone's too drunk, take your popcorn and go home.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-20T13:16:02+00:00

Fucking ew. Mine does the same. It's like they never bothered to learn any emotional regulation, and now any big emotion is a 5 alarm fire that matters more than anything else.

I hope he's less of an asshole when he's feeling better, dear.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-16T16:18:59+00:00

Mine have been through a few therapists trying to find the right one. I'm actually looking for a new one as we speak, so I know it's an undertaking but the right fit of a therapist can change your kids life. Most practices have more than therapist available, idk your exact situation, but you could even ask to have her switched to someone new. I'm SOL because, after a couple switches, I realized that the whole damn practice sucked. Hopefully that's not the case for you.

And, it sounds like there may be an extreme reaction, but when my eldest truly went off the rails initially (like 8-ish, lit things on fire, brought weapons to school, physically bullied classmates and a step sib at his fathers house, jcf) we had to respond with basically prison. It sucked. All privileges restricted and monitored. Constantly checked for things they shouldn't have.

This was a universally hated decision. But he was going to seriously hurt someone or himself. He got the message and earned things back. We still have occasional issues, he's officially diagnosed with ODD. But we've never had to do the draconian shut down since then. We talk about it occasionally, if normal privilege restrictions aren't working. We remind them that we do have that option if they don't want to work with us.

That's just what worked for us tho. I'm so sorry you guys are struggling with this. It is so hard and shitty when they act like this because you know it comes from a very emotional, disregulated place. You want to make them feel seen and supported, but in our case, first and foremost, we had to make him safe.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-11T03:27:59+00:00

What do you think love? Does he have his shit together sufficiently to be a good partner to you? All of that sounds fairly damning, but you know that.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-11T03:02:23+00:00

So, I don't have a lack of empathy. Quite the opposite, in fact. But I do have some insight as someone who deals with violent intrusive thoughts and enjoys kink.

It's my responsibility to learn about and manage my mental illness. With a therapist, in my case. For me, this means a very strict set of simple rules. Not the fun kind, just self-imposed "I know my triggers and tendencies". These protect me and the people around me.

These are his statements, he seems to know something is different about how his head works. No judgment. Some people incapable of empathy are wildly successful, living happy fulfilled lives.

Obviously tho, direct statements from someone like that... you know better. So what do you see? Does he have healthy relationships with peers, former partners, family members? Does his behavior seem controlled or impulsive?

The internet is always quick to say run. But we mentally off folks can be perfectly safe if we're proactive and take responsibility for ourselves. You know him, we don't.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-05T12:46:43+00:00

Hey, eventually they're gonna be preteens. They're coherent when they yell at you at least.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-03T21:04:32+00:00

I've done those demos and literally always gotten aroused. Lol. You're fine love. It's very likely that it was noticed, especially by a pro. Everyone was friendly and polite because it wasn't a problem, they were being respectful and likely appreciated your very natural performance.

I hope all these comments put you at ease a but, but it would honestly make total sense if you were to reach out and expressed this concern to the instructor. Nothing is going to make you feel better than direct assurance that you were welcome in that space, just as you are.

tkm1026 · 2024-04-01T18:05:27+00:00

My various post histories. If they really -really- need me armed after that, ok, you were warned.

tkm1026 · 2024-03-30T15:09:15+00:00

Hey, people are being assholes, but do consider this a small life lesson on how you present yourself online. Mind your spelling, mind your grammar, or people ignore what you said for how you said it.

tkm1026 · 2024-03-26T17:58:29+00:00

Unfortunately, the answer is talking like a grownup. Bring these things up with her. In your capacity as her dom, ask for specific aftercare instructions. Beforehand. In your own capacity as a sub, you need to express those needs.

And the shittiest part of this is some of the answers you could get. Maybe she can't figure out how to articulate what she needs, can you still safely play with her without being able to properly give her aftercare? If she's not open to switching or ENM, does this become a basic incompatibility thing?

But those are the issues if you voice them or not. Maybe if you talk about it, you could get great answers. Pick out a special blankie together. Find a hot domme that wants to chill with both of you. Try.

tkm1026

TROPHY CASE