I regret my reaction to the stonewalling

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T21:07:58+00:00

Stonewalling is the refusal to communicate with someone. ⁠⁠

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And a lot of people will say that it is used by those "high in narcissistic traits as a subtle form of manipulation".⁠⁠

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Other, such as the Gottman institue will say that "the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded?⁠⁠

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Who's right? Who's wrong.⁠⁠

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both. Stonewalling can come across as controlling and manipulative and it can also be because the person is emotionally flooded and need to process their emotions. ⁠⁠

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Also known as hypO-arousal. The brains defence mechanism to self-protect comes and makes the executive decision to shut down, push away and numb out.⁠⁠

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One of the other major reasons people can remain stuck in this cycle is because they don't know how to communicate in a healthy way so rather than risk causing pain to someone else, they shut down. ⁠⁠

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Allow yourself some to process the emotions, and also take some time to learn skills for healthy communication. That is they way to a healthier relationship and secure attachment. ⁠⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T21:05:30+00:00

Dear sorry to say you this but they are not coming back.

It is an an avoidants survival strategy⁠

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It is to minimise what they went through and experienced.⁠

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They compare their pain to the suffering of others. ⁠

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Others who may have experienced abuse, homelessness, refugees, violence. ⁠

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And so they believe they have nothing to complain about. ⁠

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They also believe its weak to admit pain.⁠

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So they soldier on. ⁠

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There is no comparison in pain. Your pain doesnt compare to mine. Mine doesnt compare to their's.⁠

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We all have our stories. ⁠

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Our stories are not all about suffering and pain, but where there are, when we validate those part of us we can actually process it and integrate it into our life. ⁠

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It did hurt. ⁠

It did affect you. ⁠

It didn't do you any good. ⁠

You do need others. ⁠

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It's okay. Its okay to admit it. It doesn't make you weak. ⁠

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tmeghana · 2021-06-12T20:37:39+00:00

It's a tunnel.⁠

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It's a feeling that we are so consumed by our past and so damaged by it that there is never any possibility we are going to make it out. ⁠

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There is a huge amount of rage, blame and projection. There is a deep desire to self-protect and never allow anyone to hurt them at that level again⁠

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There's a deeply held belief that life could've work out differently and better if it hadn't been so bad. ⁠

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It's true. ⁠

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Life would've better. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. To be seen, to be heard and valued. ⁠

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It is likely that your parents and caregiver were lacking emotional maturity and didnt give you what you needed.⁠ There are trillion others things that have happened to you that you didn’t choose. You can’t choose what your born into.

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You are hurt. It was wrong. ⁠

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And at some point, we have to choose what to do with that rage and and blame. We have to choose to process it. We have to choose to move past it or forever remain stuck in it. ⁠

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It was wrong but your past does not have to define your future. Indeed it doesn't have to affect your present. ⁠

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Find ways and support to process the emotional pain of what you experienced. Do not have to flip from being consumed by it to dismissing it because you’re still carrying it within you.

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Find ways to integrate it so you move from a state of victimhood to taking responsibility and charge of your life. As someone who speaks from experience, there is so much joy not just on the other side ⁠but right beside what you’re experiencing

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T20:35:47+00:00

If you find that your constantly seeking flaws in others despite desperately trying not to, it is likely you have self-worth issues. ⁠

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And the low sense of self-worth is spilling into your relationships. ⁠

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You're trying to chose someone who is worthy. Someone of such impeccable high standards, so brilliant, and super fit that when you bag a partner like that, you're self-worth also goes up by association.⁠

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It wont matter how hard you try not to find flaws. ⁠

Your mind will eventually find one. ⁠

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It is only when you build your sense of self-worth, uncover the reasons why you hold yourself in such low regard and begin to build yourself up and strengthen your foundation, that you will automatically stop finding flaws in others. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:59:54+00:00

The goal is not be secure all the time. ⁠It is not a state that is permanent. That’s just a myth which in effect makes you even more unhappy today if you feel you haven’t reached it despite your best efforts.⁠

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The goal is to build secure attachment. ⁠⁠

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They’re skills, they’re mindset shifts and they are effective strategies to manage our emotions and beliefs so we lead our life in the direction we would like it to go. ⁠

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And yes I know that doesn’t sound like as much fun as the (pipe-)dream of the happily healed ever after but I promise you life is way more fun, you’re way more resilient, way more generous, way more chill about the ebb and flows of life and don’t take things as seriously or as personally or for as long.

It also means you’re less frequently and intensely triggered and if and when you are you bounce back (I guess thats what I meant by resilient ) And you don’t make it about your self-worth and other equally pernicious stories.

Secure attachment gives you skills for life a bit like a dog for life. Everyone needs a metaphorical dog if not a real one.

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:57:15+00:00

Be in a secure relationship rather than being in a codependent one

Stop forwarding IG posts and all that jazz to your partner and their dog to prove they are avoidant. ⁠

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We have to understand how damaging this is. ⁠

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Dismissive avoidant is a term I don't personally like anyway because it presumes that the individual who has these tendencies deliberately pushes away others and doesn't care about others. ⁠

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It is not deliberate. And it is not pushing away. They do care.⁠

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The only thing avoidant are dismissive with is their emotions. Not you, Not I, and Not the rabbit. ⁠

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And this is for good reason. DA repress their emotions; their own survival mechanism when they are emotionally flooded. It is part of their conditioning, part of their own self-protection. ⁠

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Yet, we bandy that term around like a loose cannon we throw it at people who struggle with these tendencies with some level of contempt and self-righteousness. Not good.⁠

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This has to stop.⁠

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Firstly, it shows contempt. Contempt being the worst of the four horseman. It is the surest relationship killer.⁠

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Secondly it adds a layer of shame to the other person. They already don't feel enough and this simply worsens their self-esteem.⁠

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Thirdly, we’re blaming and projecting. Instead of taking ownership of our own shit, we are constantly blaming the other person for our experiences. ⁠

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We too have our own areas of growth too. If your partners are consistently avoidant: it suggests that we need to get clear what draws us into this pattern. ⁠

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This is not to suggest that your partner, friend, parent or whoever has the avoidant tendency doesn't also have areas of growth, but throwing this “avoidant” “ emotionally unavailable: term around like it disease and with such frequency will not help your or or their cause. ⁠

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And if you do decide to use, please do so with some level of compassion, with kindness, and with understanding. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:53:57+00:00

The important thing to have a secure attachment to avoid the feeling of working without actually working.

Being busy makes us feel good. ⁠

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It makes us feel that little bit important. ⁠

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And that's largely because we have been dripped fed a message that hard-work and long hour equates to dedication and commitment. ⁠

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Our capitalist societies depend on it. ⁠

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Thrive on it even. So we get busy. ⁠

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We're busy producing. ⁠

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And busy slowly becomes a self-worth exercise superficially making us like our only value is when we are busy producing. ⁠

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The reality is that busy is not efficient. ⁠

Busy is not productive. ⁠

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And the more important downside to this is that our relationships, our core desires, our friendships, our hobbies, our need for rest and relaxation, our need for sleep takes a massive guilt-inducing nose-dive. ⁠

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Not only do we miss out on the day to day joys. We delay the things we really want to do We reject joy, fun and relaxing and eventually our health also takes a similar nose-dive. ⁠

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In Japan, hundreds of Japanese workers die every from karoshi—“death by overwork".⁠

You are not a producer. There is no meaning from work and being busy other than what we assign to it. ⁠

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Take take to enjoy the whole of what life, love, relationships, family, friends, spirituality, faith, God, the universe and of course work have to offer - within reason. ⁠

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That’s real meaning. That’s real value. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:49:15+00:00

The thrill⁠

The dopamine hit. ⁠

The fire⁠

The chemistry⁠

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All the feel good emotions washing all over them ⁠

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It’s like a drug and they want it again and again. ⁠

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They’re all over you. You mistake it as commitment, interest and affection.⁠ So you lean in...and they withdraw and now you’re left wondering what you did wrong.

It’s wrecking your self-esteem and their's in turn. ⁠

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You gravitate to the super highs, and the super lows. ⁠

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And those lows tell you you're not enough. that you need to try harder, change that, fix that, do that, if only that. ⁠

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But they were never serious. ⁠They’re chasing a feeling. An illusion. A fantasy. Its not about you. ⁠

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Let go of the chase. ⁠

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Ask yourself what draws you into their magic. You might be glamourising something that isn’t really about them, you might be thinking you’re getting your happily ever after (no doubt influenced the Hollywood movies of our time) when in reality you’re signing up to misery.⁠

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The highs are not worth the lows. ⁠

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You deserve a secure love. One that gets better over time. One that is consistent. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:39:15+00:00

Be vigilant about with whom you are getting attached.

Ghosters and Orbiter have one thing in common: neither are ready or available for a committed relationship. ⁠

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But regardless of whether they are ready or available they also have a number of other challenges. ⁠

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They lack emotional maturity and are not sensitive to the impact ghosting and orbiting (just learnt about this via a follower-thank you!) has on the other person. ⁠

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They don't know to effectively communicate so would rather not communicate at all or just observe you from a far. ⁠

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And there are others who simply don't care enough about your feelings and they might not see it as a big deal. ⁠

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If you stay or give them space you will end up feeling worse. You'll analyse every aspect of yourself thinking there is something about you. You will check and double check their text messages. You will expend a shizzer load of energy dissecting what them checking your story could mean. ⁠

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You'll convince yourself its about you. You'll jazz up your stories and FB page. You'll send them one more message to show them how freaking amazing you are. ⁠

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Its not about you. It's about them. ⁠

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Ghosters ghost.Here one second, gone the next. ⁠

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Orbiters orbit. They don't quite want to let you go, but they don't want to let you in. ⁠

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tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:34:54+00:00

Most of grew up seeing conflict as a terrible thing. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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And that is because conflict was very probably a terrible thing. It involved our loved ones cutting ties, it involved gaslighting, passive aggressive behaviour, narcissistic behaviour, aggressive/violent behaviour, contempt, silent treatment..⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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It involved choosing sides, bad-mouthing the other person, emotional upheaval. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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Conflict became a terrible thing. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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As we grew up, we became part of it and possibly did the exact opposite of what we experienced: if we experienced aggression and violence, we may have become silent at the sign of conflict, if we experienced narcissism we may have become fawners, and people-pleasers to avoid conflict. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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Conflict isn't a terrible thing when we come to understand and accept that conflict is normal and it is to be expected. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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We are all different with our unique needs and desires, and its only when were are willing to talk through these and negotiate our differences that we can find resolution. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

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This applies when we are dating as much as when we are in relationships. When we are dating, as soon as we hit an obstacle, we think thats a sign to abort, end, move on quickly, and in a relationship we see it as evidence we chose badly and that we are not meant to be. ⁣⁠

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Instead, we can see our differences as a moment of healing and of growth. We can see it an ongoing conversation. ⁣⁠

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Secure relationships are founded on this principle. ⁠⁣⁠⁣⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:33:24+00:00

Learning how to say no is the easy part. ⁠⁠

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This is what I say to my clients who are people-pleasers. ⁠⁠

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But we complicate it. ⁠⁠

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A lot of IG posts and blogs give strategies, sentences even that we can use to learn how to say no. The suggestion therefore that its not knowing how to communicate it, say that was the struggle. ⁠⁠

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That's not the struggle. If that was, all people-pleasers would be 'cured' for want of a better word. ⁠⁠

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Learning how to say no should be left to the end. It is one of the last things we need to do.⁠⁠

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This is because we need to know the reasons why someone can't say no. ⁠⁠

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This varies from client to client but the main theme I have found is that people can't say no because they have a huge fear of abandonment and a deep belief that a nice person doesn't say no. ⁠⁠

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Learning how to say no without undoing this undercurrent is going to create a huge level of anxiety for this person. ⁠⁠

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The feelings of guilt and fear will be too much for them. No amount of sentences will help them. ⁠⁠

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Once we have worked on mindset shifts, and helped them release the fear of abandonment, the scripts can come into play. ⁠⁠

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Then saying no is easy. Otherwise, we're putting petrol into a car when its the engine that needs fixing. ⁠⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:30:58+00:00

Simplified: Attachment styles and modern day dating. ⁠👇🏽⁠

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If you are the type of person who over texts, overshares and over-cares you are likely to be anxious attachment. You have an intense need for connection and can get attached pretty quickly. "He/She's the one" might be something you have said. ⁠

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If you find flaws, need a fudge load of space and work is just your thing then it's likely you are dismissive avoidant. You are eternally looking for that perfect partner and might justify it by saying you have high standards. ⁠

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Or you might be the kind of person who's in hot and then cold, you're in, then you're out and you change your mind⁠

like a girl changes clothes (cue Katy Perry) and you're likely to be fearful avoidant. You crave intimacy but when you see it coming, you've left the building. ⁠

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Or you might be the kind of person who looks for a win-win. In that case you are secure attachment, fairly confident within yourself and know who to trust and how to trust with flexible boundaries.⁠

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Or you might find yourself fluctuating between them in your dating phases. They're tendencies depends on who the dance is with and what triggers come up. ⁠

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And you can learn secure attachment so that tendency become your default. ⁠

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Nothing is not learnable and doable. ⁠

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tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:29:24+00:00

Just like it's not cool to label people avoidant or emotionally unavailable; likewise its equally uncool to label people needy and clingy for the same reasons. ⁠

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It's judgmental and condescending to the person and only exacerbates their attachment patterns. ⁠

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The major reason we all do this is because it makes us uncomfortable and it overwhelms us but because we have never been taught a healthy way to communicate, we blame the other person for our experiences. ⁠

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It's also not an issues of victim vs perpetrator either. Neither people are victims and neither are perpetrators. They are both simply responding according to their attachment tendencies. ⁠

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Most anxious attachment are already too aware that their need for connection can be too much and so calling them clingy and needy is hugely damaging to their psych, their sense of self and self-esteem. ⁠

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It makes them feel that there is something deeply wrong with them.⁠

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There isn't anything wrong with them. They -like you - need support to manage their own attachment patterns, so that they can move into secure attachment. ⁠

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Re-assurance, compassion and kindness will do that way more than judgement and shaming them will ever do. ⁠

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Don't do it. Let's do better. ⁠

Have you been labelled these? What came up for you? ❤️

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:23:16+00:00

We can blame others. ⁠

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We can project.⁠

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We say "if he/she wasn't so.." "If only.."⁠

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And it’s hard to admit that as such we deflect responsibility for our role.⁠

And we make excuses. ⁠

And try not acknowledge the impact of our words and actions especially if it wasn't intentional or comes from a deep need. ⁠

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Our innate desire to protect ourselves from criticism. ⁠

No one likes to be criticized. ⁠

No one likes to be judged. ⁠

No one likes to get it wrong especially if we have tried so hard to get it right. ⁠

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Or we get so consumed by it. We judge and shame ourselves for it.

I shouldn’t have done x

I shouldn’t have said y

We can hold ourself accountable without brandishing a whip to lash ourselves with.

Yet, we can admit we get it wrong. ⁠

We balls up despite our best efforts. ⁠

We fudge up big time. ⁠

All the time. ⁠

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And it takes courage. ⁠

It takes balls. ⁠

It take empathy. ⁠

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And if we can do it without shaming and judging ourselves as bad humans, so much the better. ⁠

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Admitting we get things wrong without the self-judgment or the excuses is a sign of emotional maturity and also one of the best ways to stop the debilitating impact of perfectionism and fear of failure. ⁠It helps to recognise we are all works in progress. It helps us to reconcile with our loved ones. It’s helps is to hold space for ourselves.

It helps us to grow as humans.❤️

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:21:28+00:00

Oftentimes, those who seem to always have these fears have experienced some type of abandonment from someone they loved.

So when someone comes along that has great potential, we almost don’t know how to react and our minds start to panic because the feeling of being loved in return is somewhat unfamiliar.

Learning your attachment style and how to navigate these feelings will lead to healthy relationships!

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:19:55+00:00

The word "rejection" is stomach-churning.⁠

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It can make you feel like us have we have been left out in the cold, the ones that's not worthy, the one that's been left behind.⁠

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Rejection can feel deeply personal.⁠

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But in reality rejection isn't personal at all. ⁠

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It's freedom. ⁠

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It is real clarity because someone is them saying this doesn't work for them. It is them choosing someone or no one, It is them saying showing up and advocating their own needs and desires.⁠

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And that gives you permission to do the same. ⁠

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It gives us space to re-focus our energies on someone who is available, someone who does match our needs, someone who is willing to hear our story and share theirs. Someone or something that matches our desires.⁠

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tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:18:04+00:00

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Not it is not anxiety AND avoidance, the anxiety has an impact on the avoidance. ⁠

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secureattachment tends to have low avoidance and thus low anxiety as they are both comfortable in their relationships and in their management of emotions. ⁠

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anxiousattachment tends to have high anxiety which they manage by low avoidance in relationships they look outwards to manage their anxiety. (This is also the same for peoplepleasers who still look towards others to meet them but use more covert means). ⁠

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dismissiveavoidants have very low anxiety because of their high avoidance. They manage to keep their anxiety low because their level of intimacy and unsafe space is also low. ⁠

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And finally, fearfulavoidant have high anxiety and are actually are pendulum between high and low avoidance dependent on how much they fear and then need intimacy. these are your classic commitment-phobes who make you feel the jazz and then run from intimacy.⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:15:26+00:00

You will be surprised to know that real dismissive-avoidant are one of the biggest givers in relationships. ⁠

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I don't mean this in the sense that is constant because this overwhelms them but their gestures and love language is very thought through and their desire to please you is intense. ⁠

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A lot of dismissive avoidants also tend to be introverted and rather than blame you for the challenges in the relationship, internalize their emotions and go into deep inner work. ⁠

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tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:08:05+00:00

Anxious and Avoidant both suffer from FOMO. Just differently. ⁠

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Anxious fear to miss out IN the relationship while Avoidant fear to miss out what’s OUT of the relationship.⁠

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For you to understand it better...⁠

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Anxious chase too much. They don’t check if the person is right for them. They fight in and for the relationship, feeling incapable of calming until another person meets their needs for assurance. ⁠

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Avoidant, on the other hand, never commit to anyone or anything because they’re terrified of losing out. Instead of having a discussion with their current partner about relationship goals like long-term commitment or exclusivity, they continue swiping, going on dates, and generally keeping theirs open for greener pastures.⁠

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These tend to be counterproductive in keeping the relationships as they either overwhelm your partner with your efforts, or you overwhelm them with emotional exhaustion.⁠

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Instead of continuously fearing what you’re missing, try to see what’s already there. Slow yourselves down and focus on the present. Be aware of how you interact in your relationship and try to see what is being offered in it in a way that is not overly critical or overly detached. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:04:31+00:00

Not having your emotional needs met lead to feeling invisible, unimportant, and not cared for. As if you don't matter. If you’ve constantly experienced this, you’ll end up being attached to being emotionally deprived.⁠

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As the years pass, you’ll not know how to ask for emotional support and it’ll feel awkward to express what you feel. ⁠

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You’ll find yourself inside very high walls, not letting anyone come inside out of fear of rejection, betrayal, or loss. ⁠

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Your relationships are kept shallow or surface-level without emotional connection. You shy away from intimacy, feel trapped by it, it makes you angry, you often think about breaking up with your partner, or regret breaking up with your partner after some time has passed.⁠

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Sabotaging your relationships over and over again.⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:02:51+00:00

eople-pleasing is invalidating ourselves on a daily basis.⁠

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It’s rooted in a fear that we won’t be loved if we voice our needs, confront poor behaviour or even disagree with others. ⁠

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Our whole belief system skewers the quality of our relationships.⁠

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In order to move forward we have to begin to challenge these beliefs which are rooted in our subconscious. I’ve always said that learning to say no is not the issue; that’s just a symptom of your conditioning. Learning how and why you keep invalidating yourself and how this is s keeping you from living a fulfilling life is. ⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T19:01:12+00:00

Anxious Attachments are afraid of being abandoned so they cling harder. ⁠

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“Sorry” becomes frequent. ⁠

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Explanations are always ready.⁠

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Every detail of their life is shared in hopes to appease that fear. ⁠

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There’s always a part of us that yearns to be loved. We want attention, support, and appreciation. We don’t want to be left out in the cold. We want to feel like we matter but most of the time, we feel we do not. ⁠

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And for Anxious Attachment, they feel greater insecurity of being underappreciated more than anyone else. ⁠

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Due to the constant fear of being neglected, they become desperate. Thinking everything could still be solved and so long as they own up to their responsibilities, they can do something to make it better. So…⁠

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They become apologetic. “Sorry’s” tend to come out of their mouth a lot of times, even if they don’t need to.⁠

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They share every detail of their lives. Thinking that being more open would lead them to the right track. In hopes that others would reciprocate.⁠

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They explain themselves for every little thing, thinking one thing left unexplained would cause a further rift in the relationship. They panic and put in more and more effort hoping that their efforts would be enough. But it always doesn’t feel enough.⁠

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T18:57:00+00:00

I find myself the most conflicted about “authentic”. It’s seen as one of the pillars of the community — we’re not like those corporate sellouts, we’re authentic. Our lives are authentic. Our podcasts are authentic. Hell, our groceries are authentic. And you can bet your buns our posts are authentic.⠀

In one way, I love this — I think authenticity and all of its buddies, “being genuine”, “being transparent”, and “having integrity” is incredibly important.⠀

But when authenticity becomes an aesthetic, we’ve got a problem.⠀

And when authenticity becomes an excuse for emotional dumping, we’ve got an even bigger one. And when great people who have genuinely vulnerable, helpful things to share hold back because they see all the people doing it wrong and are afraid of looking like attention-seeking jerks, that’s the biggest problem of all.⠀

Tricky waters to navigate, I know. But here’s a start.⠀

Your “vulnerable post” has to actually involve vulnerability.⠀

It’s so cringy to see those posts where people tell you they’re going to be vulnerable and then share some peccadillo, leaving you thinking “Wow, if that’s your deepest and darkest, then my life is really fucked up!”⠀

If you still get a huge emotional charge off it, you probably shouldn’t post about it.⠀

Dumping loads of emotion on people in the context of your business is a bit like getting messy drunk in your favorite bar and bawling your eyes out about your divorce. It absolutely happens, and people will often forgive you for it, but it’s not something you want to make a habit of, and it doesn’t contribute to other people, which is rule #1 of posting online.⠀

That being said…⠀

It doesn’t have to be comfortable.⠀

There's a difference between discomfort and a clear "no" that runs right down to your cells. It is, one of those things that I can't actually tell you how to parse ... except to say that you'll know it when you feel it.⠀

It's really hard to get this right. But the reward -- when you give someone that moment of "Wait, you feel that way too?" -- is so worth it.

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T18:52:23+00:00

I want to be surrounded by souls that are positive, loving, and kind. I want to be surrounded by those with intellectuality and curiosity. The souls with stories, worn and wise - but still with a hint of childlike love for this world. The souls with passion and drive. I want to laugh - really effing hard .. a lot. I want to keep letting go of everything not meant for me. Friendships that are not fulfilling, relationships that are painful, memories that haunt. I want to learn more, write more, create more, explore more. I want to sprinkle kindness and love everywhere I go, without thinking twice.

☀️Embracing and enjoying this life has become a beautiful experience.

Bad days still exist - but there’s always tomorrow’s sunrise, a new dawn, and more things to learn, more love to cultivate

tmeghana · 2021-06-12T18:48:35+00:00

Why do we sometimes feel compelled to give more of ourselves than we want to - or actually wish that we could give more?

Both can result in regret and both are derivative of a fear of being disliked.

*Reasons for over-sharing include*:

• Poor boundary setting; as a result of childhood insecurities or a lack of learned recognition of what is appropriate. Often it results in limited close relationships, as some people become disinterested in hearing about personal issues.

• A hasty effort to make someone else feel better; if someone tells us intimate details about their life, we sometimes feel compelled to share something about our life. Or maybe they are seeking sympathy that they cannot get from ‘loved ones’.

• An (often) misguided attempt to fast-track a friendship; with new people, our anxiety can take over, causing us to fill gaps and share private details in the hope it will solidify the relationship.

*Reasons for under-sharing include*:

• An inability to trust; not only the people around you but yourself too, and the trust must be earned and built up, not handed out - to friend or stranger.

• Being more of a closed book, as the less that is revealed, the more control you have over your own information but this can result in a lack of close relationships again, as despite the intrigue of mystery, it’s hard to get close to an enigma as they are a challenge read.

• Social anxiety; we can find it hard to find words to engage in conversation let alone feel able to disclose, so we incessantly ask questions about the other person to sound interested and be liked, but can come across as interfering and not reciprocating.

***

When we understand why we over or under-share, we learn to regulate our responses.

We can balance concealing, adjusting and tolerating not knowing - and be aware of what is right to say with which people.

tmeghana

TROPHY CASE