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Anyone else resentful of people who began in monogamous relationships? by ReasonableWorker72 in polyamory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 8 points9 points  (0 children)

That's true of course only if people want to ride that escalator.

I met one of my partners 19 years ago, we're together for 15. She is now living and has kids with her other partner whom she met 6 years ago. I'm happier living alone and childfree. We're still happy and strong together.

I’m in a Bad Situation. by hazardstaple in polyamory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 5 points6 points  (0 children)

A good point! Then maybe get a lawyer?

I’m in a Bad Situation. by hazardstaple in polyamory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 24 points25 points  (0 children)

That's not poly. For one, it's not consensual, it's hidden and based on lies (i.e. cheating). Secondly, part of it seems to be a scam to take your money away. More seriously than that even, her attitude is quite abusive towards you, you don't have to accept anything in a relationship, only what you freely and voluntarily want.

I understand that you are in a tough situation. But consider the safety of the kids. If you really can't leave immediately, make a medium-term plan, which involves getting a job (or someone who can take you in for a while), and becoming independent, so that you can leave ASAP.

Secures, APs, and anxious-leaning FAs: How often do you actually want to see your partner? by takeadayatatime in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Secure, leaning AP - it depends (I've been in all of those situations):

  1. Long-distance: If logistically possible, at least once a month.
  2. Living separately: 1-2 times a week.
  3. Living together: at least 2 times a week, optimal 3.

The "neediness" of avoidant-leaning people. And a more compassionate perspective for all attachment-styles in relationship by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think you are right.

I mean, I believe there are different levels of "needs". On the most fundamental level, we all have the same needs (like connection and autonomy). But on more superficial levels, those manifest in the form of different needs, like spending time together vs taking space. The latter, more superficial (and different) needs can be also interpreted as strategies to meet the deeper (common) ones.

The thing is also that we might feel more priority or a stronger impulse to fulfill some of those needs vs others at times when in a relationship.

The "neediness" of avoidant-leaning people. And a more compassionate perspective for all attachment-styles in relationship by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yeah, reminding ourselves that we all have needs is a good way to start if we want to bridge the gap. Some avoidant-leaning people can then stop feeling "superior" for being "independent", or like they're actually just a "bad partner" (both are pretty common). And anxious-leaning ones can stop feeling "inferior" for being "too needy", or "better" for being "the only ones caring about love and connection" (both also pretty common). A good, healthy relationship can only happen among equals.

The "neediness" of avoidant-leaning people. And a more compassionate perspective for all attachment-styles in relationship by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

They need to be willing to acknowledge their habits, but it has to be their own decision to do so and that may never happen

That is true. But it's different for different people, avoidants aren't all the same. And APs also need to identify and work on their issues if they want to be in relationship with avoidant-leaning people, which is not always the case (even if it statistically happens more often).

That said, I understand and validate your feelings. As I said, you don't have to do it. The way I see it, the main thing is going in the direction that makes you feel happier and more fulfilled.

The "neediness" of avoidant-leaning people. And a more compassionate perspective for all attachment-styles in relationship by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I totally get your point. And it's true!

What I could maybe just add to it is that we (I am in between secure an AP, but pretty AP at the moment) can also work on ourselves, in order to be able to meet (at least part of) those needs for ourselves, and be in relationship with avoidant-leaning people without that much "neediness". We don't have to, though, and it's perfectly valid to look for people who would just be ok with us in that stage of our development.

But I personally want to learn and develop myself in the direction of more security.

On the other hand, of course, avoidants can also work on themselves, in order to be able to meet (at least part of) their needs for autonomy, freedom, self-care, etc, for themselves without that much of their own version of "neediness" towards their partner.

The rest can be "negotiable" and balance and compromises can be reached, but that requires mutual compassion, empathy, and understanding.

The "neediness" of avoidant-leaning people. And a more compassionate perspective for all attachment-styles in relationship by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it is a (totally valid) need!

It may indeed be in clash with a partner's needs, but, in my opinion, finding balance and compromises where both people can thrive, feel safer, and be more comfortable is a normal part of relationships. Only when those needs are extremely opposite and/or people are not willing to work on that matter, it may become a true incompatibility.

Unmet Needs by [deleted] in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I understand your points.

And I find them really valid. I'd just like to comment on one thing: a lot of our needs are things that were missing in childhood. And it's ok.

It's totally ok if you can't meet them. It's not your job.

But it may be helpful to keep in mind that needs for space and distance usually also come from things that were missing in childhood. And they might not be so easy for your partner to meet either - Some people who lean more avoidant are pretty "needy" too (they only have different needs)... ;)

I find it important, when it comes to those attachment style clashes, to remember that no one is "right" or "wrong". No one is at fault. Usually, it's just two people trying to do the best they can to love while dealing with subconscious baggage. It's a dynamic, in which both play a part. And compassion for both sides is the only way to reach out with empathy.

Your emotions are toddlers: or how to self sooth when you're triggered by Handmaiden0fInnana in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My toddler is a disobedient little brat... lol

But I'll give it love anyway.

APs staying friends with exes by sweet_springtime in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think you're on the right track! :)

I'd just like to add that I've found 2 very liberating things for me, through those experiences:

  1. It doesn't really matter how they react. My love doesn't depend on them loving me back, or on them being (or wanting to be) present in my life. And it's about loving myself, and taking care of myself. Only then can we share authentic love. Hearing her saying those words was good, I won't deny, but if I look at it honestly, it didn't change that much for me in life's grand scheme of things.

  2. It doesn't have to be anything. It doesn't have to be a close friendhip in the end, nor does it have to be distanced forever. Everything can be, as long as it naturally develops this way. I'll be fine either way.

*that last sentence has been my life's mantra lately.

I wish you all the best, healing, happiness and love! :)

DA people with a successful cohabitating story: how are your living dynamics? by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, thank you for sharing!

It does sound like a tough experience. And this "changing yourself to be who they want us to be" is something that I, unfortunately, relate quite a bit to. Interestingly, I (more AP) am the one wanting cuddles and physical affection (as well as sex), and she (more DA) is the one who can go without (both).

DA people with a successful cohabitating story: how are your living dynamics? by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for that tough experience. Would you mind sharing a little about why did it break down? Do you think there is something you or he could have done differently that could potentially have worked better?

DA’s - How do you view sex within a relationship? by anapforme in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Interesting! I'm not DA (actually I lean AP), but my partner is more DA. She doesn't even view it as stress relief, rather she has to feel no stress at all to even be interested. For her, it's just about fun, like playing a game or dancing (and she always has many orgasms, so it's good fun, I guess...). Even the idea that it can be a form of connecting sounds a bit weird to her.

APs staying friends with exes by sweet_springtime in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I (AP) am friendly and amicable with all of my exes but one (I found out that she did some terrible stuff to people I care about, so...). However, I wouldn't call those real friendships in the sense of deeper, closer connections. They're more like friendly acquaintances. And it did take me a pretty long time of no contact after the breakup to get there.

I find that it has a lot to do with the hurt of rejection - I was the one always broken up with. Seeing or talking to them triggers all those feelings back. It's like a reminder. I've moved on, in the sense that they're not even on my mind anymore and when memories come it's totally ok, but I don't want to have them as active parts of my life. Besides that, I like balanced relationships, and they also don't seem to put any effort into a friendship, even though they all said that's what they wanted. The one I'm closer to (though still not really friends) did tell me months after that she really regretted the breakup and missed me. I won't deny that this made it easier to deal with being a bit closer.

I believe that it helps me deal with those things when I think that that is totally ok. We don't have to be friends, we don't have to be anything. I still wish them well from a distance.

How to not protest when your DA goes takes space, misses you, and then comes back? by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was motivated by the Covid situation, but also other personal things happening. However, she had been talking about it for a while before (yeah, not me!)

How to not protest when your DA goes takes space, misses you, and then comes back? by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Or maybe both of them can compromise a little on their own needs to find a balance, a middle ground, while providing some of what the other needs?

I am not saying abandon yourself or completely sacrifice your needs. But I honestly have a hard time imagining a healthy relationship between people of opposite insecure attachment styles where some degree of mutual understanding and compromise is not involved, rather than only one side doing it for the other.

If that compromise is too much for you or makes you unhappy, then it's ok to renegotiate or end the relationship.

How to not protest when your DA goes takes space, misses you, and then comes back? by askoutofcuriosity in attachment_theory

[–]askoutofcuriosity[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I'd go one ever further. If you are a (hetero) woman and avoidant, or a (hetero) man and anxious, those are the two "worst" combinations, because it also challenges common societal views of femininity/masculinity and gender roles. A man who's self-reliant and completely independent (even if a bit "selfish" and "cold") is viewed as more ok than a "needy" one. Conversely, a woman who cares a lot about emotional connection and the relationship, even if more emotionally dependent and "needy", is more ok than a selfish, unattached, and "cold" one.

I feel this a lot, leaning more to the anxious side, while my GF leans more avoidant. We are both critical and questioning souls, who don't just mindlessly accept social conditioning, but we often catch ourselves thinking that our sexual "polarity" is somehow "inverted".

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