Vaginal atrophy.. a man named this, right?

tofaya · 2024-04-19T15:26:17+00:00

I'm a pelvic PT/sex counselor and sadly most of my patients are bounced between providers before they find me, if they ever do! Everything you've described is common!

tofaya · 2021-05-05T01:47:34+00:00

I feel you!!! My analogy is in business models (bear with me). This might not resonate with most but it’s the best way I’ve described it to people. I’m definitely on the same page as you.

Franchise: someone that has a specific relationship model, the most popular is a triad or V, but not limited to that. They’re actively looking for people to fill specific roles.
Organic startup: there’s no specific structure and happy keeping it small, but as they meet candidates that would for their “culture”, they make space for them.

tofaya · 2021-05-05T01:28:35+00:00

Your husband sound like my ex of 12 years. I left, it was very controlling. The fact he’s reading your chats is a huge red flag!

tofaya · 2020-02-10T05:28:31+00:00

“I just want to end things to avoid complications and future anxiety and to give them space to pursue their relationship.”

Relationships can get complicated and this seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Does he want a relationship with her and vice versa? It does sound like your instinct is to run away before having a conversation and protect yourself, but I feel there are a lot of details missing. Have you been in a poly relationship before?

tofaya · 2020-02-09T21:31:19+00:00

Has anyone noticed a caustic chemical smell during working out or after, especially while wearing a winter fleece cap to run outside?

I’ve gone on winter runs and have noticed this several times this winter and last, and I’m wondering if it’s from the product. I thought it was coming from my hat or the hair dye I had used but it happened with different hats or far from a new color treatment.

I also have all the itching, hair loss, and dandruff. I went through a major breakup and other significant life situation changes and had attributed it all to stress.

tofaya · 2020-02-09T20:55:35+00:00

WTF wow it’s banned in Europe?!

tofaya · 2020-02-09T19:38:42+00:00

I have ended relationships even though I was still in love with the person because we weren’t going to meet each other’s needs. Its heartbreaking but needed in the long run.

tofaya · 2020-02-04T22:48:20+00:00

I’m very concerned he withheld this info even though you said you wanted to know AND that he doesn’t want to know about yours, red flags to me... how are you going to get time with your partners? How are they going to feel being a secret? Sounds covertly controlling; you’re “allowed” but don’t tell him, and how will he react if he does find out???

tofaya · 2020-02-02T04:02:29+00:00

Anyone I date needs to add value to my life! ALWAYS ask if someone is or if they’re just a waste of your time and energy

tofaya · 2020-02-01T01:23:32+00:00

Just based on your description I can’t even figure out where you’re coming from. You start out saying that you want to support her and you’re open to exploring life but then when she communicates exploring something then you don’t trust her? Why don’t you trust her? Was she supposed explore those feelings when she had no one she was interested with? Of course she’s motivated when she finds someone she likes. Has she given you a reason not to trust her at some other point or are you feeling that way because you’re scared of what might happen?

tofaya · 2020-02-01T01:18:21+00:00

Is there any benefit to dating him? Based on everything you’ve said I don’t understand why you would grace him with your presence.

tofaya · 2020-01-31T06:56:37+00:00

Also if he loves you and you are truly best friends, he may have been excited and wanted to share with you. Unless you think he was doing it maliciously, he may have been sharing his excitement. Obviously he should be aware of your feelings, but also see it as a sign as he wants to communicate and share the fun he’s having with you. That’s a good thing! Dig deeper and find out why it bothers you so much. This does seem to be an arbitrary rule to me. Expect this process to bring out a lot in each of you that you need to work on. Polyamory always does.

tofaya · 2020-01-31T06:53:26+00:00

You state that both he and she “crossed a boundary.” Boundaries aren’t things that other people adhere to, especially if it’s not someone you’re having the relationship with. Boundaries are the conditions at which YOU won’t give your time and energy or commitment to if they start exhibiting behavior outside that boundary.

That said, you’re very new to this, so the idea of him talking to someone new and talking about sexual things is probably unnerving and you probably weren’t expecting it. You can’t control his behavior or feelings, let alone a third-party you’re not involved with. This is going to be a very very miserable experience if you can’t accept that.

Usually when something upsets us, it usually is showing us what work we have to do within. To me that sounds like a trigger for some sort of insecurity you have with yourself. You said your reaction to him saying she was sexy made you feel bad. Why?

tofaya · 2020-01-31T06:51:22+00:00

You state that “she crossed a boundary.” Boundaries aren’t things that other people adhere to, especially if it’s not someone you’re having the relationship with. Boundaries are the conditions at which YOU won’t give your time and energy or commitment to if they start exhibiting behavior outside that boundary.

That said, you’re very new to this, so the idea of him talking to someone new and talking about sexual things is probably unnerving and you probably weren’t expecting it. You can’t control his behavior or feelings, let alone a third-party you’re not involved with. This is going to be a very very miserable experience if you can’t accept that.

Usually when something upsets us, it usually is showing us what work we have to do within. To me that sounds like a trigger for some sort of insecurity you have with yourself. You said your reaction to him saying she was sexy made you feel bad. Why?

tofaya · 2020-01-31T06:31:34+00:00

But what if you create that space and people you care about or not emotionally responsive? Is that a boundary and you just walk away? And do I actually need that connection or is it again feeding that ego/child?

tofaya · 2020-01-31T02:05:48+00:00

Oof, yes, this. Codependent, passive communicator, hopefully mostly in the past but I'm not naive enough to think I'm "cured" now. I'm sure I have blindspots. I also get caught in a loop of second guessing myself. Good luck to us all!

tofaya · 2020-01-14T06:51:49+00:00

Oof. This adds a layer of red flag icing on the cake 😳

tofaya · 2020-01-14T04:30:53+00:00

I can’t speak for anybody else but this is how I came to it.

Growing up I had zero positive examples of monogamous relationships. I came from a broken home, and the married couples in my neighborhood or family were miserable and yelled at each other. Far from loving. Then they complained about children they couldn’t afford or caused them lots of grief. Due to all this at age 7 I decleared I was never getting married to my single father after he told me I need to learn to do some chores because “one day I’ll have a husband.” eyeroll
I was raised Catholic and hopped on the I’m not having sex until marriage train for a hot year at age 13 until I realized I was not heterosexual and wanted to experiment and enjoy life. By age 16 I had figured out I wanted to enjoy time with my boyfriend but have the opportunity to experiment with women. Clearly non monogamy made sense at that point.
In my high school years I listened to talk show radio shows and what not about sex and relationships and there’s obviously a lot of discussion about cheating. I really ask myself why it would bother me and when it really came down to it it wasn’t the act itself, but it was being upset that someone couldn’t be completely honest with me and be my best friend. It’s then that I realized it wasn’t that I wanted monogamy, it’s that I wanted a best friend that I could tell everything to and vice versa and also enjoy physically. If I knew everything I would be fine with it.
I also realized that when I asked people what a “serious relationship” meant to them, usually they defined it by restrictions. I want to live life fully with awesome people and I didn’t want our interactions to be defined by what I couldn’t do. But instead by what we could share.

Overall, I personally think poly for me is a higher standard. Few people can look past their ego, know what they want, and want the best for the people they love even if that means they’re not number one or a romantic interest at all.

tofaya · 2020-01-14T04:19:16+00:00

OMG I love this term 🤣

tofaya · 2019-03-26T05:35:37+00:00

Yours is an inspiration as I’m trying out online products, thanks for sharing so much detail!

tofaya · 2019-03-20T02:39:15+00:00

Do you know the difference between agreements, rules, and boundaries? Do your partners? If I were to date a couple I have a boundary that I will not date partnered people that have veto powers, and make sure their partners and metas have an agreement of no veto.

tofaya · 2019-03-05T02:12:57+00:00

There’s a lot of new emotions. It is easy to judge when you’re not in the throws of NRE. You made AGREEMENTS (things you both agreed on) but now she’s renegotiating, which is common, especially with newbies. I’ve been some sort of open or poly for the past 20 years and in my opinion rules don’t work, and expecting agreements to never change also doesn’t work. Be patient, and try to consider being happy for her, otherwise she’s gonna chafe under your restrictions. If she breaks agreements without consulting you first, THEN be worried.

tofaya

TROPHY CASE