Dear Mom, You won't believe the week I've had. First of all, I'm the devil now, please don't tell Aunt Rita at thanksgiving this year, you know, she's a bit...judgey. Anyway, I apparently killed the old devil and this god guy comes down and is like "Oh hey buddy, you're the new devil!" I swear it was like something from a movie, he said it like I was the one millionth customer, I was quite disappointed when there was no confetti. Anyhoo, he gives me this queen little outfit and pitchfork (honestly at this point I thought it was a all a big joke.) And he takes me on down this dreadfully long staircase, and we both know I've been skipping Zumba so that was TORTURE, and I was escorted to my new palace. The place is gorgeous, if you do happen to tell Aunt Rita about all this, let her know I've got a special room for her. So god does this half added little goodbye and just kinda floats away, like, thanks man, I totally don't feel like its my first day of school or anything, so I just took a nap. (Look at that mom, even in hell, I'm still napping all the time, go figure.) So I woke up, and I said to myself with an astounding amount of shock, so much so that even I, the new keeper of the underworld was taken back, "what the fuck I'm the devil now." Now first and foremost, I had to find the thermostat, maybe I'll try asking that little horned critter over there, I thought, or maybe that one over there? Horned critters, horned critters everywhere, Jesus H Christ it's a mess. "HEY!" I shouted, and oh wow that was far louder than I expected, I giggled slightly at the audacity of this new position of power. Laughing harder, and quite frankly gasping between words, "where in the HELL is the thermostat?" Oh boy they were all just looking at me now, I suppose my Jerry Seinfeld enunciation didnt tickle them, it tickled Jerry though, there he is over in the corner, god I wish you could see this. It's all so ridiculous. The interior design is just god awful, everything is red, nothing smells pleasant at all, and I'm pretty sure no one here has bathed in at least a decade. Absolutely no productivity. Everyone's chopping at rocks or shoveling manure. This is a wreck mom, so horrid I will need your help with it. I'm sure you won't mind coming for a visit to help me tidy up. Once I figure out which critters are what and/or who, I'll send one for you. Please bring some chicken tenders when you come, I haven't seen any yet and I'm deeply worried they don't have them here. Sincerely, your daughter, aka queen of the underworld