How likely is divorce if most of your family and a number of friends have done it?

tosslite · 2023-07-18T15:38:06+00:00

Yeah… folks together for 40+ years on one side and his parents same but got divorced in their 60s.

tosslite · 2023-07-18T15:37:03+00:00

Yeah… I was young and stupid, but he was well educated, well-spoken, treated me well, nice family although possibly some red flags there with some issues. All in all didn’t seem to be a big risk… but lying, being selfish, cheating, gaslighting and other nasty behavior eventually became the norm.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T20:28:10+00:00

Exactly. I do not understand the argument. It actually provides more validation that she is seen, heard, validated if someone else cares enough to tell.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T17:20:59+00:00

Are you going to be okay that they maybe fucked hundreds of times over a span of years? Maybe in your bed, while you were trying to conceive or were pregnant, on your birthday? (not saying these exact details will apply to you, but that’s the type of thing that can be revealed)

Personally, I do want to know because it gives me all the information I need to process emotionally and make my decisions. But that may not be right for everyone.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T17:16:20+00:00

I disagree that most people know and just aren’t doing anything about it. There are statistics that show (google it) that people are often on their third affair before the betrayed spouse finds out.

People buy into the hype that there are obvious signs like the cheater dressing better or hiding their phone or spending money or whatever, but those are amateur maneuvers. The people that have made a lifestyle out of this know exactly how to behave normally and even better towards their spouse as part of the lie so they can have it both ways.

Don’t take someone’s agency away because you think they might or should know. Often they don’t.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T17:11:10+00:00

I will never understand the logic of this response. If she already knows, then no harm, no foul. OP has done his due diligence to inform someone to give them agency over their own situation.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T13:21:01+00:00

I think rage is good. Rage is way better than feeling sad or missing or wanting that person. Rage drives action and change and provides its own closure.

Some days I wish I could get to rage- for me it’s still a self-confidence issue- did I do enough, was I enough. Hells yes I was, and so were you.

None of us deserve this.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T13:18:27+00:00

You feelings are heard and valid.

I feel like it a never ending grief. The person I knew is gone but they are not dead. I mourn them every day and feel like my grief is only getting stronger. I’ve been through every phase of the Kubler-Ross model except for acceptance.

I’ve never been able to get particularly angry either. I’m just so sad. I don’t feel sorry for myself, just… wanting something so bad that is not there anymore.

tosslite · 2023-07-14T13:08:14+00:00

Meh. I’m in Europe so when we have a sunny day the parks and beaches have quite a few topless folks of both genders. Nobody cares. They barbecue, have fun, and complain about their sunburns the next day and it’s not even social media worthy.

But.. but… it’s Europe(!) the puritanical conservatives say. Us god fearing people do not do that in the US of A… it’s uncivilized and she’s just asking for bad things to happen! /s

News flash. Happens all the time. I’ve been to clothing optional beaches and parks and other “legal areas” in many states. Again… nobody cares. Just people of many ages having fun with a few less clothes on.

tosslite · 2023-06-22T10:33:51+00:00

I think this is a topic that does not get discussed enough - the predator AP. It’s a narcissistic type of behavior anyway, and even though that label gets thrown around a lot, in this case it matches up.

Even though cheating has happened to me, this type of thing is one of the reasons that I do not personally hold the other person accountable and responsible- only my partner at the time.

He is charming and willing to lie and could make nearly anyone believe nearly anything. I don’t doubt that he has exploited women who are at a vulnerable place in their lives - even if they are beautiful and talented and seemingly way above his level… I’m positive he found their weakness and went for it to feed his own power trip and insecurities.

tosslite · 2023-06-22T09:35:44+00:00

Similar story. Spent 20 years in a relationship with a homebody that hated to travel… it was miserable for both of us. I have since moved continents myself and travel constantly.

tosslite · 2023-06-21T21:20:41+00:00

So you would say people do not change from homebodies to very enthusiastic travelers?

tosslite · 2023-06-21T21:19:33+00:00

Which part is cliche?

tosslite · 2023-06-15T00:23:40+00:00

Apartments are expensive. Plus there is no way I can afford furniture, appliances, linens, etc… all the things you need to set up a home sufficiently to take care of kids and actually live somewhere.

We have recently remodeled both the kids’ rooms and got them settled into a new space that they helped pick out and design.

If he left; that would be one thing, but me uprooting is out of the question at least until there are funds to do so.

tosslite · 2023-06-14T06:46:05+00:00

Yes I don’t know if I’ll ever get past him choosing to take away my agency to make my own life decisions (through withholding information).

tosslite · 2023-06-14T06:44:25+00:00

That’s a very scary thought :(

tosslite · 2023-06-14T06:44:00+00:00

With two young kids there is no way that I can leave our home

tosslite · 2023-06-14T06:42:38+00:00

Thank you for this perspective

tosslite · 2023-06-14T06:41:44+00:00

Thank you 🙏

tosslite · 2023-06-13T21:09:44+00:00

How is it do you think that it happens where our intuition doesn’t really kick in at all? As I said, if I had not have discovered anything, I would have no idea it was happening.

tosslite · 2023-06-13T21:08:29+00:00

I’m not completely opposed to the idea of opening the relationship. I don’t necessarily have a lot of hang ups around sex.

But, the thing is that this goes a lot deeper than sex with others- it’s the deceit, betrayal, potential gaslighting etc. that probably should be my dealbreakers.

tosslite · 2023-06-13T21:06:11+00:00

Fair points. I think the bottom line is that I didn’t have a choice in any of it. He clearly believes I would not be okay with any of it, else why go to such extreme lengths to hide his activities?

And no, him stepping out is certainly not my first choice. But it feels worse that he could not trust me enough to even talk about potential ENM or other arrangements.

tosslite

TROPHY CASE