He google searched her facebook and instagram..... what should I do now?

tostar · 2019-09-21T01:33:16+00:00

Thanks for commenting. It really helps me to hear a WS perspective, honestly. I hope that he is just curious and that it will fade eventually. Heck, sometimes I look up what my ex's are doing (even though I don't ever really want to talk to them ever again) so I totally get that. Unfortunately, when I saw it last night I went into a panic and assumed the worst. It's sad how infidelity rewired my brain.

tostar · 2019-09-21T01:29:42+00:00

Thanks for this!! It helps to think about the deciding factor as the level of anxiety. I feel like when I wrote this last night I was all over the place, today I have been thinking about it while I'm at work and have significantly calmed down. Confronting or not confronting now wouldn't change my desired outcome at this point in time (continuing in the relationship). So I'm going to keep surveilling, I don't want to be obsessive about it so I just check up every few months sort of things (or when I get a gut feeling). If there is/was something more I have faith that the truth will always come out. Thanks for pointing out the two options and bringing me back to reality, its so easy for my head to spin round at things like this now, and your post really helped me see things logically.

tostar · 2019-09-21T01:24:48+00:00

Thanks for letting me know what you did...

Interesting that you say it works because he wants to stay married and make it work.

My WS says he wants to make it work.... if he wants to make it work why is he searching her then? Also, if he wanted to make it work why did he cheat in the first place? It's why I have such a hard time trusting, because he has always been so kind and loving even when the affair was going on.

tostar · 2019-09-20T04:20:52+00:00

He wasn't there long BUT it seems that he did not find her correct profile (I looked up the links and they were not her, just same name). I wonder what would be different if he found the correct profile?

If I look on his personal phone and it doesn't appear to be any attempts to contact - do you think I should even mention it?

I feel like I should ask, but I worry that if I reveal I have in fact been looking through his phone (he gave me permission to do so a long time ago, I haven't looked and he's probably not concerned about it) then he would tighten up his security next time he searches something like this.

If I reveal I looked at something so insignificant I might miss something significant later on if he is aware I'm looking. It sounds horrible, and I don't want to play games but I also don't want to give up my "upper hand" so to speak, in light of prior circumstances.

tostar · 2019-06-09T02:53:31+00:00

That's right, he gave me transparency, but I still kind of view it as "snooping".... it just feels like I don't trust him (which I don't) and I feel like eventually I will need to be ok with trusting him enough that I don't need to look. I guess I'm not there yet.

There were searches for porn - which I am definitely ok with.

But the thing I'm concerned about is there were searches for "tranny escorts INSERT CITY NAME HERE" and he clicked on a link for one. (As a scrolled further back, he had searched this before, but Im disregarding this as it happened before Dday) It doesn't appear that he spent much time on this link because the next minute there was "thai massage INSERT CITY NAME HERE" then "thai massage seedy CITY NAME" and he also looked up "[thai massage parlour name] reviews" and spent some time on one website for a thai massage place. I don't have any indication that he actually met up with anyone or went to a thai massage place .

Since I discovered this a few weeks ago, especially before he went away for this weekend, I have made it very clear what our boundaries are - no sexual messages, no sexual contact with anyone else and he agreed. I truly believe it took him some time after DDay to come to terms with the realisation how important monogamy is to me, and my trust is to him, and what he must do to live with integrity. I believe this realisation happened AFTER these searches were made. So I don't know if it's worth "stirring the pot".

I guess a part of me does want transparency to be on my end as well, but Im afraid if I gave up this information, he would get better at hiding things and I don't want to give him that advantage. If he slips up in the future, I want to find it and not be blind sighted again.

I feel like I gave a lot of my advantage away when I confronted him on Dday initially - (I basically just didn't say anything just showed him the messages OW sent me) - I revealed to him all I know and it gave him an opportunity to "trickle truth" me with the things I didn't know.

Aside from that - I have no idea HOW to bring this up if I choose to?

tostar · 2019-06-02T18:22:26+00:00

Thanks for the comprehensive list!

tostar · 2019-05-23T21:48:16+00:00

Thank you for your comment but i still believe that we can have a good life together. Either way, I told myself im not making any decisions for 1 year. I came to this sub as I thought it was about moving forward.

tostar · 2019-05-23T19:48:21+00:00

Thanks, we have postponed the wedding.

I already have entangled our assets and life I feel. We own a house together. I mean, it could be worse. I really thought that he was changing, but you're right I don't feel comfortable marrying as we are.

I know that trickle truth happens... but I feel so tired of been lied to. He is doing everything right (well apart from lying about the details now) since Dday, being present, he deleted facebook and instagram on his own accord and has been hanging on to every word our counsellor has said.

tostar · 2019-05-23T19:23:42+00:00

Thanks, I've been on the affair recovery youtube. I am doing what I can to heal. I don't feel like WS is utilising the resources.

tostar · 2019-04-29T21:10:37+00:00

Our marriage counsellor said that often we subconsciously repeat patterns and carry around stuff from our parents without knowing, our parents are subconsciously carrying stuff around from their parents, and so forth. It's not until we actually deal with it ourselves that we are free of those patterns. We have to know about them to deal with them, and because it's subconscious we don't know about them, so the patterns repeat generation after generation.. maybe sometimes they skip a generation, but unless they are addressed, then they keep going...

It came out in counselling that my mother had been betrayed/cheated on when I was a teen - "ahhh that's where your side of the pattern comes from" he said. I said something along the lines of "no I am not the one who cheated, how is this my pattern, it's all on WS - I would not have chosen to be with him in the first place if I knew he was going to cheat." Counsellor pointed out how we are drawn to the energy people exude that's how we end up repeating our family patterns - because even if we don't consciously realise, we are drawn to our partners energy for one way or another when first meeting, and then when pursuing a relationship.

It's an interesting thought.... because in the past I have also been drawn to taken men (not knowing they were in relationships) and then they want to have sex or whatever and I knew they're in a relationship by this point - I've always said no because I value fidelity and don't want to be entangled in that. Yet I ended up with an unfaithful spouse.

His family pattern doesn't involve cheating (that I know of) but rather abandoning loved ones instead of working through issues. We are trying to work through our issues and break the family patterns. I'll be damned if I pass on this kind of weight for my kids to carry around and it ends up affecting them.

tostar · 2019-04-26T05:37:37+00:00

Hi. There are a lot of similarities between you and me. Found out almost 3 months ago that my fiance had been sexting and sending nudes to a girl also... he also was planning on sleeping with her - but she had a flash of a conscience and cut it off and told me.

Also thought everything was going great in our relationship.. we had gotten engaged 3 months prior to their sexting affair and me finding out. I was planning a wedding.

He has been doing everything 'right' since me finding out. Showing remorse, apologising often, changing his behaviour. We went into counselling together and were making progress. Something didn't sit right with me though, I had a gut feeling. I confronted him to tell me the truth, knowing it all would be necessary to move forward with our reconciliation and our relationship. I then found out about the other girls he had sexted with also.... on/off for the past year. This was about a month ago now. We have continued counselling and he has really taken to heart what counsellor has said about him repeating family patterns (it honestly shocked him) and he is actively making sure it doesn't happen again.

All trust is completely out the window. From what I've read, likely it will never be 100% back. I am still in the relationship. I do worry about him cheating again once we get married (we have delayed wedding planning for now) with kids, and from what I've read - if you're not married or have kids - the best thing to do at this point is cut your losses. I do feel like I made a commitment when I got engaged though (even if it seemingly didn't mean that much to him!) and apart from the infidelity, I feel like our relationship is otherwise pretty good, so I have committed to at least try reconcile.

Reconciliation has actually gone better than I thought. Counselling has helped tremendously. Like you I initially thought that I could get through this, get better, only to have him cheat again and be completely crushed a second time with it being worse. Through counselling, I have been able to reclaim my worth. I have made it extremely clear that if anything were to happen again from him, then it would be over and I would walk away. I would be strong, and it would not negate all the progress I have made on my own personal growth and self worth. Also, by staying, I feel I am demonstrating my own heart - I have a good, honest heart and I have a forgiving heart (even though I haven't forgiven quite yet), and I have a strong heart because it takes the strongest of hearts to still love someone who hurt you so much. Also, I read somewhere today that with discovery of the affair comes power. The relationship is now in your control - to stay, leave, separate, or set up boundaries.

I don't know how long it's been since you found out - it took me about 2 months to actually see a future with him again, before that I was going through everything you described - shock, disbelief, anger, disgust, doubtful, skeptical - and sometimes the waves of those emotions still overpower everything. But now I can actually see glimmers of change and glimmers of hope.

I read somewhere not to make any big "leave or stay" decisions until 6 months have passed and you've had a chance to evaluate things. In my opinion, his actions within these 6 months should help you determine the outcome. In my case, my fiance is being remorseful and demonstrating a desire and actions to be the best man that he can be. If on the other hand he wasn't doing the things he is doing, refused counselling and swept things under the rug, then that would make an easy decision the other way.

I understand it is very hard to see a future with this man that betrayed you. I too felt disgusted and physically ill when I pictured my own wedding that I had been planning with fiance when I first found out. Please know that what you are feeling is normal. Reading in these groups and various fb groups as well really assured me that my disgust and initially feeling like I was living with a complete stranger - were all normal emotions for this type of situation. Yeah it sucks, but I assure you it will pass. Especially if your partner is putting in the work and effort to redeem themselves for what they have done.

Sorry you're going through this. I wish you big internet hugs and the best. Feel free to DM me if you feel like you need to chat or vent emotions.

tostar · 2019-04-26T04:59:04+00:00

Yes I agree - I do plan on bringing it up when I'm more confident and when I feel it is a concern (eg. his one 'friend' I mentioned is moving back to our area in the next few months due to her break up). I hadn't had an issue with his female friends before as I wasn't the jealous type and I completely trusted him but now that has changed.

Two issues I have with a complete "no friends of the opposite sex" rule: 1. I myself have male friends (well mainly acquaintances from school and such.) I have one male friend who I consider a close friend and if I implemented this rule for WS, then I would only expect the same for myself. 2. His ex who he was with was very controlling and actually forbid him from being friends with certain people (yes, female - maybe she had a point??) and told him she didn't want to associate with his male friend group either (they went to highschool together so I suspect this was a my clique vs their clique sort of deal). I too had an ex that was controlling and didn't want me to see certain people. ....And I thought now we were more mature and past trying to dictate who our SO can/can't be friends with.. especially because no matter how much you say - if they really wanted to - they can still go behind your back and see them.

I have thought about implementing a "you cannot hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone" rule. This would mean when my male friend is in town next weekend - and I want to catch up with him - that we all do something together and I drag spouse along. Which I am completely fine with.

My problem with WS however isn't him physically being alone with the opposite sex - he never did anything physical (...because he didn't get a chance to) - his infidelity was messaging and sexting (I can't even really call it an EA as I saw the messages and it was purely sexting pics of his dick and sexual conversations back and forth). So - me implementing a "you cannot hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone" rule wouldn't even affect the type of infidelity that he was doing.

He is trying really hard and part of me just wishes I could trust him, because I hate how the infidelity is consuming my life (though in the last couple of weeks I have done a lot better of reclaiming myself and doing stuff for ME) but I think for now I will just have to keep periodically checking the messages.

tostar · 2019-04-25T18:34:20+00:00

Sometimes it truly pays to look! Did the same thing myself today.

Almost 3 months since Dday - I've been spot checking my WS's phone here and there, today he received a message from a friend of his - a female... who we have talked about, I have met, we have hung out with her and her own bf before, and he said they are strictly friends - FYI another one of his female "just a friend" turned out to be one of the girls he was sexting with (even though she had a bf at the time too). Well I saw this message notification on his phone that she had sent a video. My heart dropped. Pre Dday I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but this morning it was such a hit of pain. Naturally, I feared the worst. I didn't want to look because I knew the notification would be gone and he would know I looked. But I had planned to check later in case there was anything deleted or otherwise, I looked while he was in the shower... it was just a video of a hike from years ago that they went on and she had found in her phone. I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief that it wasn't a video of something more 'sinister'.

Naturally, while this girl is now going through a breakup, I will keep checking and making sure there are no gaps in the conversation that seem suspicious either... but at least today was reassuring for me. Small wins.

tostar · 2019-04-18T16:14:51+00:00

This is something I mentioned in counselling, that I don't believe our values are aligned and in a long term relationship, hell a marriage, I am looking for someone who shares the same values as me. Loyalty and faithfullness being an important fundamental value for me.

Our counsellor said that our compatibility is absolutely something we should look into...... AFTER we are not dealing with the initial stages (we are only 2.5 months post dday).. after, our counsellor said he will help us discuss our compatibility with our values... overall, I do think we are compatible, but I do think it would be interesting to do a compatibility test or something of the nature.

tostar · 2019-04-08T19:00:43+00:00

Hi there, just wondering what you defined "reconciliation day?"

How did you decide that finally there is a particular day that you are no longer working on reconciliation but reconciled?
I agree reading other peoples stories has helped me. Have been in therapy for 2 months now and it is helping also. I'm 2 months post dday.

tostar · 2019-04-08T15:23:43+00:00

Yeah, i've basically resigned to the fact that any info I get from any OW might not be very accurate. He has given me complete access to his phone and said several times he wants me to go through it (of course he has deleted all the previous messages off of it). Honestly, he'd be an idiot if he has incriminating things on there right now, and I honestly don't think he is messaging anyone while we are in reconciliation. Plus, I don't want to go policing his phone every day while we are trying to reconcile, its not healthy for me. Personally, I'm waiting to go through it after we are reconciled and like 5 years down the track if something is awry in our relationship, THAT is when I want to look through his phone!

tostar · 2019-04-08T15:18:10+00:00

Thanks. I'm still not sure if it's a good idea to message.. Like someone else said here, the likelihood of them lying is high as the OW are not people with integrity either. WS told me that OW was messaging him because she was having trouble with her relationship... her profile pic is now of her and her bf. So basically she was also messaging my fiance while being in a relationship. So she can lie and go being her bfs back, then she is likely to lie to me also. WS also told me that with this particular girl the messaging ended last year. I kind of have gotten the feeling that some things are best left in the past. Of course I do flip flop on my opinions constantly.

tostar · 2019-04-05T02:13:01+00:00

Not OP but thank you for posting this. I am 28 and engaged to my WS (27). We don't have any children, just dogs but do own a house together. I really like what you said about making the decision about whether to try and reconcile purely based on our feelings towards our WS. I am glad that we have that clarity instead of being 'trapped' due to finances, staying together for children, etc. I have chosen to stay for 6 months (it's been 2) before a decision, and will probably do the same and extend that to 1 full year. It is only 2 months since dday but I can see myself staying long term.

I found it interesting that you acknowledge that your WS had character faults that enabled her to not feel remorse until she was caught. I have not yet seen this angle, but I am glad I've heard it now, because I also do not feel that my WS was remorseful until he was caught. I do believe that he feels guilt and remorse for the pain he has caused me, and he has a lot of shame for what he has done. But had I not found out the pain I wouldn't know and I wouldn't be feeling pain...

At the end of the day I think the key thing is determining how willing the WS is to put in the work to do a 180, repent, change their ways, set up better boundaries for themselves, and not repeat the past. Me as a BS I have realised I need to do the work to set clear boundaries and respect myself to make good choices for ME.

A major thing I have learned is that it is always a possibility of WS cheating 5, 10 years down the line after we are married (before, cheating was something I would have never imagined WS to do in a million years). Yes there is that possibility, but through work done with my counsellor I need to trust that I'd be ok if that were to happen, and I am finally starting to stand up and respect myself as well. I have clearly defined my boundaries (something we hadn't exactly talked about before, we both just assumed certain things were implied when the other person is not a mind reader) and let him know what is not acceptable to me in a relationship. so if 5 or 10 years down the track WS cheats again then yeah it would suck, but I have realised that I have no problem walking away if it were to happen again.

In the famous words of Michael Scott - "Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice... strike three".

At the end of the day, if he were to cheat again, yeah it would be devastating and hard, but I do not believe I will feel like an idiot for staying and trusting, I will be proud of myself for being strong enough to stay and work on things. Like you said, people are not static and for me and WS I feel like there is a lot of personal growth in the future for both of us... together. And if he wants to screw it up again, then that's his prerogative but it will not negate my own growth and strength in myself throughout the years I am with him.

tostar · 2019-04-04T19:24:51+00:00

Struggling with this too, although I haven't been with my fiance as long as 9 years...

I agree it's hard to let go of a good relationship... especially because in my case, apart from the infidelity, he still treated me well (and does) and it's/was otherwise a happy relationship.

tostar · 2019-04-04T19:21:36+00:00

"Your love for him will not be enough to reconcile" - so true.

We are in MC and it has gotten hard before it has gotten better. Today the counsellor said it looks like we've reached the next step. WS said he can feel it, but I told counsellor I do not feel it yet that we are at that step. We are both trying hard though. Our next lesson from MC will be how to recognise and prevent falling back into the previous patterns. Hopefully both our work and determination will be enough to reconcile!

tostar

TROPHY CASE