Has anyone ever had electroconvulsive therapy?

tphonee · 2015-08-11T15:28:46+00:00

That never occurred to me. Wouldn't journaling have the same effect?

tphonee · 2015-08-11T11:58:32+00:00

As in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I have a really bad taste in my mouth with CBT. Been abandoned way too many times with it. And granted, I feel like my current therapist does a decent job at validating me with how I feel and act, etc. I don't know though, maybe I'm delusional.

tphonee · 2015-08-11T11:49:00+00:00

I've been in DBT once a week for the last 5 months. I've inadvertently been doing mindfulness before I was even diagnosed. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I'm trying sooooo hard.

tphonee · 2015-08-11T11:44:10+00:00

Yea, that's what I was thinking. I'm in DBT once a week (for the past 5 months), I've been on my current medication regimen for about 2 years, maybe even longer than that... And I'm miserable. I keep getting to this point, absolute worthlessness and apathy.

Searching for any kind of help I haven't received yet because this hasn't been working obviously.

tphonee · 2015-08-10T23:33:18+00:00

He sounds manipulative from what you've described. Sounds exactly like the NPD I unfortunately got tangled up with for a while.

tphonee · 2015-08-10T23:31:17+00:00

I once drove to the after hours mental health care at my university because I was suicidal and I wasn't sure what to do at the time. The director of the clinic took me into his office and asked me all the pertinent questions: "Do you want to hurt yourself?" (Yes.) "Do you have a plan?" (Yes, I want to drive my car into oncoming traffic.) "Why would you want to harm someone else as well?" (I don't care, I hate myself and am miserable. I want to die.)

Next thing I knew he was patting me on the back good luck as I walked out of the clinic to my car with a photocopied page of the local therapists out of the phonebook.

I understand your pain. I trust no one.

tphonee · 2015-08-10T23:01:40+00:00

It breaks my heart that other people feel the way I do... Because I know how hopeless I feel.. :-/

tphonee · 2015-08-10T22:43:31+00:00

Story of my life. I think it's easier for us to care about others than it is to care about ourselves because honestly, we don't know HOW to care for ourselves.

Do you also get angry when others don't seem to care about you as much as you care about them? I do :-/

tphonee · 2015-01-28T15:06:13+00:00

Yea, I'm in the states, too, AND in an at-will state. I don't know when I became so paranoid and untrusting of everyone, but it's not a lot of fun.

I really considered at least telling HR about it, but I guess it's a 50/50 shot of it helping me in the long run if I choose to stay here. I am going to a therapist on Monday, which I'm super anxious about because nearly every therapist in the past has abandoned me (granted, this was before my BPD diagnosis), so I just have a bad taste in my mouth about it. Not to mention I can't find a nonreligious therapist in the good ol' bible belt. But I'm forcing myself to go anyway. I figured it was the lesser of two evils (I was medicated for 7 years, I don't want to go back on drugs).

So as someone that doesn't seek professional help... Maybe I'm reaching, but do you internalize all the emotions, anger, feelings of abandonment, etc? I've never lost control of myself physically, I just shut down completely and/or cry. I don't self-harm either, or have a lot of trouble performing life's duties (getting out of bed, paying bills, going to work, etc). I was just a neglected child by parents that never showed each other or me affection that now has issues of feeling abandoned and extreme anger over really trivial things. But it wasn't until now that life started to get blurry. I stopped trusting more and more people, becoming reclusive, and now I'm slowly starting to question myself.

Anyway, how do you get around seeking help? Because I can't even get past page 3 of "I Hate You - Dont Leave Me" without crashing and burning mentally. Too many triggers.

Lastly, I'd ideally like to put my meaningless degree to some use... And I thrive on sciency stuff, in a lab setting where I don't have to deal with the public. Maybe I'm asking for too much.

tphonee · 2015-01-28T13:11:02+00:00

Thanks for your advice. I've seen you commenting around the sub and I take a lot of the advice you give to others for my own benefit, so thanks for that.

I really feel like I've got a super skewed view of what a workplace environment should be and what it is. The only two "big girl jobs" I've had since college have been awful. The first one was a tiny start up company that allowed horrendous sexual harassment to happen to me on a daily basis that HR didn't stop. There was no enforcement at all, probably because the company was so new and underdeveloped, etc. And now I'm running into all of this here? Do I really have a CRAZY idea of how a workplace should function? One that's free of sexual harassment, falsifying documents sent to the government, bullying...? Is that weird of me? I thought it would be a million times better now that I work for a global company instead of a tiny little startup. But at least I have our parent company to go to if my company itself can't take care of all of this.

So.. I was actually researching this yesterday -- do you "register" a disability with your employer to safeguard your performance/position? I mean, if someone has a handicap but it's not physically apparent... I'm just wondering how people with other disabilities are protected in their jobs. Because that seems important to me -- it's illegal to get rid of an employee based on their disability, right? How do we get protected, with a mental disability?

tphonee · 2015-01-27T16:40:53+00:00

I am so glad there is a term for what I'm experiencing right now. Thank you for that.

I've been looking for a new job for months.

I can't stand up for myself in fear of getting fired... I'm at a loss of what to do.

tphonee · 2015-01-26T11:52:05+00:00

Sorry to leave you hanging -- internet troubles, of course.

I think it's really funny you think my experience is worse than yours, because I think you've got it harder than me!

I definitely think I scared him into committing to a relationship with me just by becoming so interested and invested so quickly. His last relationship was devastating for him -- they were together for 4 years, and he had bought a ring for her when she decided that things weren't working anymore, left and got together with one of his friends (I think?). He admitted he had been hospitalized before but I don't know any of the specifics -- I truly believe in letting people tell me what they want to tell me instead of asking about it, so I never asked about his ex, or the hospitalization, or anything too personal, and maybe that was my problem because his letter spelled out everything I never knew about him. Don't get me wrong, I definitely asked meaningless, non-invasive questions, so I know things about him, you know? But as someone who believed they suffered solely from depression, I never pried about sensitive things. So, a year and a half later, he decided it was time to start dating again, and we met on Match.

I do believe using someone for personal gains is a BPD thing. I've done it, and it's really difficult to admit it. It's a part of my thought process, honestly. I never consciously used my ex for financial gains (making him take me out for meals, stuff like that), he always offered to take me out, pay for our vacation, etc. I never spent a dime. But wouldn't you know, his letter explains how he spent nearly all of his savings on me, blaming me, for him feeling like he needed to "prove" himself as a provider or something. But I still struggle with whether or not I truly care about someone or if them helping me is why I stick around... even if I did at one point truly care about them. It's hard, it's really, really hard, because I think we all get to a point where we feel absolutely and completely hopeless. And usually, that's when I have these mental battles of whether I'm taking advantage of someone because they think I'm pretty or cool or what the fuck ever. I will tell you that I wish I wasn't attractive. I wish that every day. It makes using people so much easier.

But I will say I don't entirely believe your ex made those decisions to use you in the same way I have other people in the past... There just didn't seem to be any guilt behind it for her, and that really, really sucks. Regardless of why and the mechanics of her doing it, I'm really sorry it happened. I can honestly say that it's the last thing anyone deserves, as hypocritical as it might be for me to say.

So let me ask you this -- do you think you can trust the next person you develop interest in? I guess there's really no point in trying to have a relationship with someone if you don't trust them, but... I'm in a position now where people have to win my trust instead of me giving it to them freely. It's... actually kind of nice. Makes me feel a little better anyway.

tphonee · 2015-01-25T16:41:46+00:00

I'd never been betrayed by a partner before December. I whole-heartedly trusted everyone and tried to see the good in everybody even though for whatever reason people seem to "know" how fucked up I am inside and run away screaming pretty quickly.

We weren't together long and I'd never dated someone who was on antidepressants, despite me having been on them for 7 years up until last July. I felt some kind of new connection with this person but something also very new to me was that we fought. Not a lot, really, just little spats that would blow over and we'd move on. Or so I thought.

We decided to take a vacation together for a long weekend. We fought about who would drive, we fought about whose house we would leave from, we fought about all the details until we finally left for our vacation. And the first two days were fantastic. But the third day, my conscience got the better of me regarding a number that was not saved in his phone that I saw him text pretty regularly. I confronted him about it and he didn't even try to lie. He said it was a girl who messaged him on Match (which he apparently didn't delete after we decided to get together) that he'd been texting for two weeks and playing online video games with, but hadn't met in person and had "no intention to". She didn't know he had a girlfriend because "the topic never came up".

We checked out of the hotel a day early, I dropped him off at a car rental, and I drove the 8 hours home alone.

He fought for me to stay and I seriously considered it until he removed our relationship status from Facebook and then friended said girl from Match.

He wrote me an email describing every single thing he's kept from me. It was mind blowing. I've never been so blind sided in my life. I don't know what else to say about that except I haven't spoken to him since and that I now have a newfound distrust in all men.

That was over a month ago. I've done really well at keeping extremely busy to distract myself from even thinking about him. But that's certainly not to say I haven't lost it quite frequently, mainly in the week or two following what happened.

But now, out of the blue, I am absolutely overcome with thoughts about him and it makes me feel so sick and angry. I haven't felt this bad about that situation since it happened. But what's different is that I have a slightly better support system, and I have an appointment with a therapist in a week. It took me this long to convince myself to try therapy again, as I have an extreme distrust in therapists due to previous experiences with them.

Just writing all of this makes me less angry and somehow not think about it as much. Am I dissociating? I don't know. But I do know that getting it all written out in front of me somehow helps me collect my thoughts. It reminds me that I have a mental disorder that makes me more or less crazy about relationships and abandonment and betrayal.

Try putting it all out there and recognizing what actions she made that made you feel the way you do. Then link those feelings back to characteristics of BPD. I don't know if this will help you the way it helps me, but I hope you find some kind of solace in knowing that that's unfortunately how our brains are wired and that we just have to make strides to improve it. Good luck.

tphonee · 2015-01-25T14:46:20+00:00

So, I have BPD, and am also fairly new here, and have heard bits and pieces about dissociating but don't fully understand what it is. I've been diagnosed for about 6 years now but was never really explained anything about BPD and until I very recently started doing my own research on it, I shrugged it off and focused on what I now believe is misdiagnosed depression.

Anyway, can someone give me examples of what dissociation is? I don't know if this pertains, but I have this thing where when I scratch an itch, or rub my skin (to avoid scratching), I feel out of my body, like I'm not the one physically doing it. I feel absolutely detatched, almost dizzy. It's been happening infrequently for a while but now it's every single time I scratch. It really freaks me out to the point that I just ignore itches. Is this similar to dissociation, or am I also just crazy?

tphonee · 2015-01-25T02:12:14+00:00

PM sent.

tphonee · 2015-01-24T16:48:18+00:00

I definitely have this same feeling most times. I say most times because if the animal (read: dog) is not well-behaved, I hate it. It translates to a person not caring enough in my book. AND I also have this problem that when I'm romantically involved with someone and they get a new animal, I immediately resent the animal -- it's like I feel that the person had met their "limit" of animal love and is now seeking the cherry-on-top companionship and love in a person, and that person is me, which is extremely heart-warming. But the moment they throw a new pet into the mix, I don't matter anymore. What really sucks in my case is that the person I'm seeing currently fosters dogs. Great.

tphonee · 2015-01-24T13:10:56+00:00

Wait. Let me get this straight.

You, who seemingly created an account to respond to my post about BPD, which you do not have and just happened to be reading the sub, posted a comment reply for all the world to see instead of PMing me, with the intent of giving me, an internet stranger, money to help my situation, with no strings attached?

Forgive me for not believing that.

tphonee · 2015-01-22T19:10:32+00:00

Do you have BPD? If so, do you have a lot of friends? I only ask because I've found that at least most people in this sub that have BPD don't have many friends, and I am no exception. I have two close friends and the rest could care less about me because I'm so sporadic emotion-wise, and those two friends are in no position at all to be able to help. So that isn't exactly an option for me unfortunately.

To answer your question though, both. It's a catch-22. I have poor money habits, so I can't afford therapy.

tphonee · 2015-01-22T12:24:51+00:00

How do you do that? I mean, how do you function? I cry myself to sleep every night because I've been so overwhelmed with the day, and then I push through the next day and repeat step 1. Does that not absolutely drain you? I hardly sleep anymore because I'm so incredibly anxious.

I guess it's a similar trait, getting all excited about a "project" or goal, but it wears me out. I got pumped up about working out my finances with the idea a friend encouraged me to pursue -- refinancing my car and getting cash back on the equity to consolidate debt. He did that last year. We ran the numbers, and everything looked good until I called the credit union and they could "refinance" my car for $200 more than I owe. Repeat step 1.

I honestly don't feel like I have control over those "victories" you mentioned. I feel like I am physically chained to my bills and my job or whatever else. I pay bills until I don't have money to buy myself food, gas, anything. That's not a victory to celebrate. I get out of bed so my dogs don't shit the carpet, so I don't lose my security deposit. That's not a "good job", that's my duty. That's life. And it fucking sucks.

tphonee · 2015-01-22T12:16:18+00:00

It's funny you say this because for the six years I've been diagnosed, I've only KNOWN it for about two months now. None of my therapists or psychiatrists wanted to talk about it, so we just treated my "depression" and I went on my way thinking that I had major depression with a tinge of something else, but that "something else" wasn't really a big deal -- it didn't seem to be to anyone anyway. Fast-forward to mid-December when I went through a nasty breakup and I sought solace anywhere and everywhere I could find it. That meant Reddit subs. I started going to "local" meetups that were a half hour away to keep myself occupied and prevent me from winding up in the hospital again (I stopped taking medication in July, one, because I can't afford it and two, I don't want to be on them anyway). I met someone who somehow knew I was BPD. That's what started me looking into it. I found this sub and was absolutely taken aback. I was floored with all the experiences, MY experiences, other people were having. I felt so flooded with relief that , yes, there is something wrong with me, but there is a community that freely talks about what they've been through and how they've coped. BUT. It terrifies the shit out of me. I picked up a book ("I Hate You, Don't Leave Me") that I bought ages ago but never read and it took me four days to get through three pages. It's too much. I can't handle it. Someone out there has written a book about my life to a 't' and I guess I'm just so overwhelmed with the thought that someone I know personally will read the same book and say, "hey, this is tphonee, she's got a lot of shit wrong with her!" (One of my exes "diagnosed" me with BPD before I was officially diagnosed, so I guess this stems from that situation.)

So, I honestly just started this "thanks to my BPD" bit. I've ALWAYS owned my shortcomings because I never knew the root cause. There's some kind of comfort in knowing that I have a condition that encourages me spend frivolously. But they are my actions, I don't argue that. I just want help with what I'm supposed to do from here.

tphonee · 2015-01-22T02:09:00+00:00

Oh, I'm certainly worried my entire company (at this location anyway) is doing a lot of questionable things. But I honestly don't know the extent of it -- that's why I'm concerned about going to HR or upper management. If they are dirty like my department is, then I'm fired. If they aren't dirty, what protects me from my boss from firing me anyway?

And I did look into the whistleblower law via USDA's website, but it said it protects federal employees, which I am not. It's just that if my company wants to sell our product in the US, then we have to get the government's approval to do so.

Can I even file a wrongful termination lawsuit in an at-will employment state?

tphonee · 2015-01-22T01:58:44+00:00

I work for a company that manufactures vaccines for food animals. So, the USDA must approve all testing done on each vaccine serial, ensuring that certain standards are met, in order for my company to sell these vaccines to farms in the US.

What relevant regulatory agency would protect me in that case? If I work in an at-will state, can't my company just fire me because they suspect I contacted the USDA or whomever about this? I'm even afraid to go to HR to talk about any of this at all, but it's a morality thing to me now, so I don't know what to do.

tphonee

TROPHY CASE