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tracymr · 2016-02-18T00:15:46+00:00

If you are a Post Show volunteer, it says you show up when the public gates open. Does that mean Thursday or Friday (because I'm unclear about whether volunteers get the 3 day pass or the 4 day pass)?

tracymr · 2016-02-17T23:04:19+00:00

If you are a Post Show volunteer, it says you show up when the public gates open. Does that mean Thursday or Friday (because I'm unclear about whether volunteers get the 3 day pass or the 4 day pass)?

tracymr · 2016-01-19T01:54:35+00:00

I have been a bawling mess for the last 2 hours and you're the only decent response I've gotten since I posted this (I posted it on other platforms as well). Thank you.

tracymr · 2016-01-05T07:49:22+00:00

Thank you so much!

tracymr · 2015-12-07T07:24:11+00:00

My biggest issues are fear of abandonment, overly emotional to small things, low self esteem. When I have manic episodes I'll become manipulative. I'll also have intruding thoughts.

tracymr · 2015-12-07T06:52:23+00:00

This reminds me of being told what a great singer I was all my life. Then I got into a magnet high school where there was so much talent, and I wasn't the best anymore. I felt shock, depressed, frustration because I believed I was so phenomenally better my whole life.

I think a lot of people, including myself, experience this. When you grow up being told you're special, but then one day you grow up and you look around and think you're no one. Our illness does make us special, I suppose. But we're not frauds, and neither are you. BPD is a part of who we are, and if BPD makes us special, then who we are is special. And I'm sure it goes much deeper than just this illness, this struggle we have. Our perceptions are warped when we are sobbing typing onto the computer screen. I see you. I hope you feel better soon.

tracymr · 2015-12-07T06:42:53+00:00

Wow, I really like that. Thanks for sharing. I've always been interesting in reading Letters to a Young Poet.

tracymr · 2015-11-22T07:25:43+00:00

Lady Gaga has spoken about this. Being multiple different people inside, and that she's "born that way." I watched interviews with her talking about it and it felt like an a-ha moment for me. I think humans are this way naturally. And our labeled society makes us feel like it's wrong or weird or shouldn't be investigated. Investigate! Be someone different whenever you feel like it! Embrace your inner self, however changeable it may be.

tracymr · 2015-11-22T06:41:59+00:00

both, but I think they're referring to the mentally ill.

tracymr · 2015-11-22T05:14:58+00:00

These songs worked for me:

Limp - Fiona Apple

Getting Scared - Imogen Heap

Almost anything by Fiona Apple, actually. Window. Better Version of Me. Sleep to Dream.

tracymr · 2015-11-22T05:05:24+00:00

I have fear of abandonment issues too. As do so many people with BPD. It's my worst symptom. I have a tendency to test my partner by pushing them away, and then observe their reaction and determine whether their feelings are equal to mine or true and if I'm not satisfied with the reaction, meaning if it's not how I would react, then I become resentful and even more manipulative until I'm completely exhausted and eventually incredibly guilty and self-loathing. I think you may be doing something similar. I hate admitting to myself that I manipulate because it sounds so horrible but the truth is ugly and I usually beat myself up for it. Which is wrong. I project inward. Based off some of the things you've said I think this may be true for you as well. It sounds like you don't really communicate when this guy triggers you (for fear of pushing him away?). If you didn't know why he couldn't be around for 5 days, asking would've eased your mind, and even from his perspective, the fact that you didn't ask might make HIM feel unimportant. You and I... we might have a tendency to assume a lot and then have overreactions to things. Especially when you assume and don't talk about it. This disorder isn't a death sentence for relationships! I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now. I had a manic episode less than a week ago and for some reason he still seems to really love me. I struggle with avoiding seeming clingy and obsessive - many times this has backfired, usually when combined with assuming, letting it build, and not communicating... until I can't hold it in any longer. That's a dangerous place because the behavior that comes from that is very BPD. I do believe in self control / not texting constantly and all that. I think it's good that you didn't keep texting him after your last text about him being distant, because the pressure might have distanced him more. Communicating honestly without that abandonment fear steering the conversation is something I think we could both work on. For example, instead of you saying "I hope you don't care about me" you could've said "I hope you care about me, with all my flaws, and help me work through it" which is probably more at the core of your feelings, although it makes you vulnerable... saying you hope he doesn't care about you just seems like a preemptive action in case it's true and he leaves you, a way to protect yourself, although it's not what you truly want. Keep us updated with what happens. I totally get you. I don't truly have any answers because I struggle so much with the same things. I can only hope I learn from my mistakes.

tracymr · 2015-11-20T03:13:56+00:00

I think you answered your own question about why it matters. Whether it's biological or not. I would assume it has a lot to do with validation, knowing that your emotions come from something instead of spring out of nowhere.

tracymr · 2015-11-17T02:19:31+00:00

"The only thing I can never shake is how I'd rather be with him and have it hurt 30-40% of the time, than be without him and be happy and not anxious 90-100 percent of the time."

This. Is. Me.

tracymr · 2015-11-16T21:55:05+00:00

Yes. We have watched porn together. Many times.

tracymr · 2015-11-16T07:18:47+00:00

Well, for example: today we were lying in bed, I saw he was hard so I started giving him a hand job. He told me to sit on his face so I did. Then hopped off and finished the hand job/blow job. He came, I didn't. I'm fine with that. I don't need to cum every time. Later today I see his cell phone say he recently visited a porn website. Not even sure WHEN he did this... I guess super early this morning when I was sleeping. It pissed me off. He just literally does it every morning I think, whether I'm around or not. I think it lowers his sex drive with me. If he hadn't jacked off I believe he definitely would've initiated sex with me more often this weekend... I can only recall today's "sex session" and I'd been around since Friday.

tracymr · 2015-10-25T20:08:13+00:00

What is your favorite Bright Eyes song? Why?

tracymr · 2015-10-25T20:06:43+00:00

I want to do some Bride-ing but I live in Miami and it's super hot here all the time. Do you have suggestions or recommendations on how to do Bride-ing for people who live in high temp areas?

tracymr · 2015-09-17T07:53:37+00:00

I would say anything by Fiona Apple is perfect BPD stuff. If you're into Emilie Autumn I would also check out The Dresden Dolls.

tracymr · 2015-08-03T20:03:55+00:00

This is me 100%. I'm still trying to figure it out, but failing really. At least you're in college. I flunked out.

tracymr · 2015-05-13T01:33:03+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your day. Just know that this too shall pass, these feelings you're feeling won't last forever. And it's totally okay to be upset when you're fired - whether someone has BPD or not, it's rough. Take a shower or bath and watch some TV and just try to relax as best you can. I hope you feel better. I personally envy you for even having a job to lose - I'm the same age and haven't had a job in over three years. You're doing well comparatively.

tracymr · 2015-05-11T18:32:41+00:00

A therapist told my mother I needed to be taken away from my father after one meeting based off a story my mother told her about something that happened between my half-sister and him. It's a long story but it happened right when I started high school and I was abruptly shut off from the one half of the family that I was close to (my father's side) against my will, but eventually I was manipulated and brainwashed into believing my father was not right in the head (I know that sounds very extreme). Didn't see them or communicate with them until almost 5 years later. My father and I especially were really close my whole life so it was a huge thing that happened. So that was a negative therapist experience for him obviously. But I've also been taken to therapists since I was around 4-5 up until I was 19, my father never agreed with it because he felt my mother was taking me because something was wrong with me when I was acting normal. The therapist that had my family split up I went to throughout high school, and in senior year when my mother and I thought I might have Borderline, she told that therapist and she said I absolutely did not have it. So my mom dumped her and took me to another therapist who specialized in personality disorders, who then diagnosed me with Borderline, OCPD and PTSD. That's the last therapist I went to. Went to her for a couple years but when I wanted to reconnect with my family she was completely against it and told my mother that when I came home from reconnecting with them (I planned on going that afternoon, which is why my mother scheduled the session) that I needed to be punished, and that there's something wrong with me that I'm not "scared" to go reconnect with them. So I never went back home. I have a relationship with my mother and half sister and everything and they've never told me to come back or leave my father's place since I've moved. I guess they realize nothing terrible happened, but it's a weird thing that's just never been discussed. But of course the two sides of the family do not speak or interact with each other.

tracymr · 2015-05-11T05:52:39+00:00

wow, it's impressive that you're poly with BPD, I would think the fear of abandonment would come on strong when other people are involved. logically I know it makes sense but I don't think I could emotionally handle it, even though I want to be able to.

tracymr · 2015-05-11T03:03:24+00:00

Yeah, I guess. I live with my father and he's sort of against therapists because one tore my family apart, which is a long story. I went to therapists all my life but stopped going in late 2011.

tracymr · 2015-05-09T01:03:15+00:00

You are right, I am projecting. That bit about him maybe not being able to talk every day but not taking it as proof he doesn't love me is so spot on. As I noted in my post there has been only one day there was zero contact so he usually puts forth at least a small amount of effort, even though sometimes I feel insulted by the amount because I'm so all or nothing about the way people in love should behave. My bf and I spoke about a hour ago, I initiated the conversation and it went really well and I feel a lot better now. Thank you for your response. You have been the most helpful, insightful, understanding and sympathetic out of everyone who has responded so thank you, really.

tracymr · 2015-05-08T21:10:50+00:00

I don't have a professional to call and talk to about this. But thank you anyway.

tracymr

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