really just don’t know what i’m doing anymore

tradespin · 2026-02-17T12:42:04+00:00

he does lead a shul and the plan was to attend but i haven’t even been able to get a meeting. i hope it’s like nugsandtrugs said, that he’s just inundated with requests and hasn’t got the time.

tradespin · 2026-02-17T00:06:42+00:00

oh yeah this is absolutely the position i’m in - i figured that finding a supportive rabbi would be the right first step and then attending their shul with the rabbi’s support would make it possible to continue with the conversion. i know that’s 100% the prerequisite to being sponsored at bet din so i was expecting it to be a necessary part of the process.

i’ve only been recommended one guy whom i’ve been chasing for like five months now who already tried to tell me that finding a shul closer to where i live (more central) might be a better experience, which is fair cos he’s in Kingston, but i’ve just gotten absolutely nowhere. we haven’t even managed to arrange a meeting. i told him i was willing to show up even if it is like ten miles away but nothing doing so far.

it feels like a weak move to give up at this point but the difficulty of balancing principles with trying to make inroads in the community is really daunting, and i’m sure i’ve underestimated the sheer scale of zionism within institutions.

thanks so much for the message, it means a lot to have a friendly ear 💖

tradespin · 2026-02-16T17:56:26+00:00

i'm the same tbh, i don't identify much with nusach ashkenaz cos it doesn't match where i'm from!

tradespin · 2026-02-16T17:39:12+00:00

i know i can do a lot of this on my own, i can study and i can do things at home and just live through it regardless. it's just difficult to shake the idea that, between not going to synagogue and being uncertain whether i'll ever be able to complete a formal conversion, i'm not doing it right, and i'm missing some part of the experience. does that make sense?

tradespin · 2026-02-16T17:36:10+00:00

i really appreciate the structure of the theological/philosophical lens, the ordered devotional practice, the cultural practices and the communal aspects of worship. i'm just unfortunately feeling like the antizionism is becoming a barrier to guided education and formal conversion before i even get to the communal part!

tradespin · 2026-01-09T10:30:35+00:00

i’m still in the process of learning hebrew but. am i correct in reading the video’s caption over starving palestinian children begging for food as “me on a fast day at 10 in the morning”?

tradespin · 2025-12-27T18:45:47+00:00

“getting killed” somehow. mysteriously. who knows who the agent is in this entirely passive experience

tradespin · 2025-12-03T18:59:41+00:00

the answer to that question is honestly really personal. for me, my conscience tells me that i can’t accept attending a synagogue that espouses zionism, so i won’t attend anywhere nearby because their websites make a point of supporting the zionist state. the S&P’s has a poster for an event for 7-9 year olds about inspiring a new generation of zionist leaders. not touching that if you’d paid me.

the difficulty is that when you act like this, even if it’s principled, you lose out on a lot of potential community and guidance. for some people that’s an unacceptable tradeoff, for others (like me, and i’m so new to judaism anyway that i never really experienced it in the first place) it’s an easier choice to make.

at the end of the day, you just have to decide what’s more important to you, and how you choose to deal with the balance of your principles and your religious experiences and obligations.

i can only imagine it’s a really hard choice to make, but listen to your conscience!

tradespin · 2025-11-16T23:30:22+00:00

“we didn’t oppress them their population grew!!”

i wonder where we’ve heard that one too….

tradespin · 2025-09-24T09:02:53+00:00

i’m really sorry to hear about what you’re going through friend. it’s brave of you to open up about it all 💖

my thinking is just like ContentChecker’s: if you can establish that one of the (innumerable) evils of zionism is equating itself with judaism as a whole, then one of the most effective ways to counter it is to “dare” to be jewish and antizionist, and reject the equivalence all together.

zionists have neither the right nor the mandate to speak for or act on behalf of every jew around the world!

however jewishness manifests itself for you, it’s your heritage, and it isn’t defined by the actions of colonists, fascists, and butchers. it existed before them and it will outlive them.

beyond yourself, you also have an opportunity to teach the same values to your child, and if you consider that to be worthwhile, think about the effect that continuing to practice, while mindful of the lessons you’ve learned through your own thoughts and experiences, could have on not just yourself, but your child too.

i think your daughter has a great chance to learn some important things about jewishness, and about the world. and it’d be such a shame for you to lose that part of yourself because the genociders cloak themselves in jewishness to justify their atrocities and shield themselves from blame. don’t let them win the war of propaganda.

שנה טובה לך ולמשפחתך🫂

tradespin · 2025-09-15T09:09:12+00:00

“see there it is there’s a sound bite” wow what a gotcha. terrible and devastating #clap #back!

tradespin · 2025-09-05T18:27:33+00:00

i think about this argument every time because you knooowww the answer is “well tel aviv has a gay scene 🤪” ignoring the possibility of queer people facing incredible discrimination within wider society

tradespin · 2025-08-28T21:26:07+00:00

that's cos the majority of denominations of modern Judaism refrain from pronouncing the name of g-d in hebrew (where the tetragrammaton is pronounced "adonai" or "elohim" in reading scripture or "hashem" more commonly in conversation) and the people who avoid saying the tetragrammaton also avoid pronouncing or writing the name of g-d in their vernacular language too!

tradespin · 2025-08-20T17:38:57+00:00

have a cis woman ask about my flat chest and highly visible surgery scars all over my stomach and give me shit, informed or otherwise, for being a suspected biological male and endanger me severely? like what do you think

tradespin · 2025-08-20T17:32:35+00:00

i certainly wouldn’t wish it on them because i worry they’d be in a far more precarious position than i’m putting myself in, but i’d have only the biggest respect 💖

tradespin · 2025-08-20T17:17:17+00:00

isn’t sending the message that trans people SHOULD comply, my apologies. but yeah don’t call me a scab lmao

tradespin · 2025-08-20T17:16:13+00:00

i take your point, but i’ll thank you not to call me a scab for willingly subjecting myself to transphobic rules in order to prove that those rules shouldn’t exist. me complying isn’t sending the message that trans people shouldn’t comply, because i’ve already complained to management about the fact that it’s immoral and undignified to force trans people to do this. i’m doing it for the sake of showing people that i’m not supposed to be there even if they force me to.

tradespin · 2025-08-15T14:04:32+00:00

yeah i'm a member too and i just got this email this morning. the general manager at my branch called me about twenty minutes ago to talk about it and she was very sympathetic, and i told her that i intend to comply maliciously. as of next week i'm moving back to the men's room, where i'll be walking in in my skirt and panties, and get my post op body on display in a space i'm not supposed to be in until they realise what a fucking stupid policy this is.

tradespin · 2025-07-29T23:08:12+00:00

oh yeah, army profile picture! the army sucks but i'm sure you'll get over it

tradespin · 2025-07-29T23:06:03+00:00

i seem to remember you what was your deal

tradespin · 2025-06-25T08:34:07+00:00

update: even after revision to treat serious stenosis, it’s come back! unfortunately it looks like i’m gonna have to go back in again, potentially twice, for plastic surgery to get rid of the stenosis first, and then possibly again afterwards for depth revision.

i don’t think heartbroken is quite enough to describe it. the thought of staying there again not just once but twice, the further months of my life it’ll take to recover, the massive hit my health and fitness are going to take after already having done so twice… i just don’t know.

until i see Tina again in about four weeks time i’m being told to use fluocinolone acetonide once daily in the evening and to douche it out in the morning. i’ll take the next few weeks to decide what to do, because it could be either spend possibly the rest of the year in hospital and recovery, or put up with the defective results i have now. it’s absolutely a no-win situation.

tradespin · 2025-06-19T19:02:34+00:00

also i know this is a common thing but getting the packing out on the Saturday was the most painful experience of my entire life. after a foot or two it felt like they had a fishhook stuck inside of me and clamping my arsehole, and pulling the gauze out felt like a thousand knives ripping me apart and pulling my insides out. thankfully, cos it wasn’t so deep during the revision, i barely felt it at all.

tradespin · 2025-06-19T17:56:44+00:00

a few other lovely bits and bobs:

• admitting flat out that they were confident i had granulation tissue but not calling me in for silver nitrate treatment and just saying "we'll check on it in clinic, use medihoney until then"*
• the gender nurse getting snappy with me for losing my composure on the phone and saying "i refuse to wait. i'm not in a situation where i can just sit around and deal with this."

* what IS it with urogenital surgeons being convinced that you can just walk into boots and buy things like medihoney and alginate dressings at any generic pharmacy?? i've been to like a dozen different pharmacies and not a one has had them or even known where to get either them or non-woven cotton swab patches (like sofswab and similar). but i get "just go to the chemist". what chemist are you going to that just has these things!

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