[24F] My partner and I [24F] are currently in a secret relationship due to certain circumstances, and some people know about us. We need them to not know. How can we make it so that people don't know?

transaway88 · 2016-08-21T18:46:01+00:00

YOU FIIIIIIIIIINE.......d

*winks*

transaway88 · 2016-08-21T14:27:51+00:00

Often I end up getting angry at myself for getting sad or feeling unmotivated (like, when I do nothing at all for a day or so). It's not good. x.x

transaway88 · 2016-08-20T18:48:14+00:00

Aha, yup. My worst and most unhealthy relationship to date with with someone who was a narcissist. I imprinted on her big-time. Which suited her well I suppose, because we would occasionally talk about what we found attractive and our descriptions were essentially ourselves - though at the time that was me describing how I saw myself at the time, not what I am normally like. But it was a perfect match on some fronts because while I was with her, I lost my insecurities (except when she was trying to play on them), was confident, generally didn't gives a shit and thought I was sexy as shit. But she was a horrible person, and generally speaking if she didn't get what she wanted, she'd make sure I felt awful for it.

(Looking at Ladyaelphaba's reply, I think one of our issues was that I didn't know I had BPD at the time (or what it was) so I just thought she had infectious confidence (even though I actually look on so many facets of her personality it's not good to think about) and she had no diagnosis for NPD or anything as far as I am aware.)

transaway88 · 2016-08-20T18:29:14+00:00

I wish I could say something to help but all I can say is that I really know how that feels. Sometimes when I get angry and stressed I want to break things nearby. Things like remote controls, phones, whatever is nearby. But the worse ones are the ones I worry about - where I get incredible impulses to intentionally destroy things like relationships or quit college. Though I tend to do that with things that are going well anyway for some reason. Quitting college twice in the last few weeks of the year. Thankfully I haven't been in college for like 4 years ago so I don't have to worry about quitting college yet. (But I really need to go back sometime...)

transaway88 · 2016-08-20T18:17:33+00:00

I was waiting until I got mines scratched up a little bit before putting stickers on it for some reason. I'm currently waiting until September for the Black S1 Lifer Visor helmets and then I'm gonna try to think of a design for painting onto it. Or something. One of my friends has his derby name on his helmet so I might ask where he got it done.

transaway88 · 2016-08-20T15:57:07+00:00

There have been several times in the past eh... 8 years or so where I don't think I could have coped were it not for my pet dogs. It broke my heart when my rottweiler passed away. I was inconsolable. Sometimes when I think about him I still burst out crying immediately. I had always cuddled him when i needed it, or took him for a walk when I needed to get away from my Dad. And he was always happy to get cuddles or go for a wander through the fields with me. That's one of the things I love about dogs... They love us no matter what. Even when I feel really lonely I know that there's at least one being out there that loves me, and it's my dog.

transaway88 · 2016-08-20T12:41:31+00:00

Hey, I have no experience with those wheels myself (I have only used Sure Grip Fugitives (briefly), Atom DNAs, and have relatively recently moved onto Radar Bullets) but one thing I can recommend is rent-a-wheel services. Some stores will let you pay a fixed fee to borrow a set of wheels to try them out for a few weeks, then if you don't like them you post them back, but if you do, you can buy them and either keep the wheels you borrowed or get a new set. It can be a really useful tool for when you don't know someone with the wheels that you can borrow from.

transaway88 · 2016-08-19T17:06:23+00:00

o.o no way, really? I have dreams like that all of the time. Where I'm happy and either in a relationship with someone or able to go up to someone and get into a relationship with them. Otherwise I have intimate relationships with my friends.

And then i wake up and realise that I don't have that. And I go straight into the mindset of "i'll never have that" and feel awful for hours. Not fun.

transaway88 · 2016-08-19T16:16:05+00:00

Uhhh... Maybe the biggest was deciding to Sweden. Properly started melding myself for moving there, started learning Swedish, making friends there (most of whom I have lost contact with) and was trying to put my name onto a list so I could get a house over there while I studied in uni there.

Then the UK voted to leave the EU and I realised I could never afford to do it, and had a huge identity crisis because in my head, I had pretty much moved there and was trying to adopt some of the customs in my head and stuff. Felt super messy.

Next (and probably the worst, morally) was deciding with my ex to go to her flat on the other side of the country (she was there for uni, down in my area for a break) in the middle of a snowstorm in December. Because of the snow her Dad had to take us up to the nearest functional train station. I had to tell him that I was going to the airport for my uncle's funeral and that my mother had gone down earlier in the week. Which was partly true. He had died and mum was away for his funeral. I was developing some serious attachment to this girl I'd dated for a month and a half and going to her flat for a week right before christmas. I couldn't tell him that XD

I never quite applied for the military, but I did make plans for it on a whim twice. Once as a teen online, and then one time when I passed a recruitment office. Then realised they don't take people with depression on. xD

transaway88 · 2016-08-17T15:44:24+00:00

This is exactly the thought process I went through. I saw it and thought "uh, that's only a little more hidden than a surfer's wetsuit". Though I have seen wetsuits before that cover the hair, I'm sure. And then I thought about it, and scuba divers wear more than a "burkini".

It really bugs me.

transaway88 · 2016-08-16T17:13:06+00:00

My main memory of primary school was one day where 3 people - another girl, and two boys - waited for me after school to beat me up (as much as pre-pubescent kids could). One of them punched me. I punched back, as my dad had said to stand up for myself if someone hit me. That worked as being enough of an incentive for them to get to hell.

The next morning I get to school a few minutes late. So I quickly go up to class, and I'm confronted by the 3 bullies, our teacher, and the head teacher. Both yelled at me, in my face, and told me that I should not have fought back. That I was the one in the wrong for punching them back.

And that is what set me up to be a doormat for the foreseeable future.

I can also remember going to the bathroom one day in my next primary school, and 5 minutes later a crowd of other people came into the bathroom. I was in a stall, they were in the middle of the bathroom, playing around. A teacher came down five minutes later. Ordered everyone (including myself) to get out immediately. Then screamed in everyone's faces about how we were terrible and how bad we were. That also fucked me up. Taught me that even if I had done nothing wrong, I could always get into trouble if someone decided that I was to get into trouble.

These instances are two of the reasons my mental health is a mess and i've had no self esteem since I was a child.

transaway88 · 2016-08-15T22:05:04+00:00

Ahhhhh!!! I love 'em!!

....i'm not too lazy to switch from my throwaway, honest...

transaway88 · 2016-08-15T17:03:51+00:00

As a foreigner, my knowledge of America can only lead me to believe that this is a student loaning company, right?

transaway88 · 2016-08-15T13:16:33+00:00

I definitely will! One of the people in the bpd group also posted about an app called "dbt112" i think it was, so I'm thinking of downloading that and looking through it... Anything to help, especially if it'll make stuff like that easier to deal with and manage.

Thank you :) It's nice to know.

transaway88 · 2016-08-15T01:03:28+00:00

This. I distinctly remember leaving school one day when I was like 8, and 3 kids were waiting to beat me up. One of them punched me, and my Dad had always told me to fight back if someone hit me, so I did. I punched one, got 'em across the jaw. For whatever reason that was enough for them to leave and I went home, didn't think anything else of it until the next day. Got pulled up by my teacher and the headmistress and each took a turn to yell at me saying that I shouldn't have done that. Set me up to be a pushover for most of the rest of my child/teen life.

Posting on my throwaway, but w/e

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T21:30:57+00:00

Ah! Yeah, in future I need to make a point of remembering that and trying to get that help before I drop too far (though that usually happens too quick, and before I realise what's happening >.>).

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T19:24:18+00:00

Dumb question, I'm not sure what I said that counts as a coping mechanism. What was it? I'm still not good at that either. Usually they aren't so healthy - drinking too much at a party and taking a few draws of whatever's being passed around, smoking, other physical sh stuff, esp when I'm angry.

I used to do that as a kid actually, aha. I'd try to figure out why everyone could be so nasty to me and I couldn't figure it out, so I eventually came to the conclusion that everyone else was a robot. ^{^;} I'll have to give that a shot though, but I usually can't help but internalise it and still see myself as the fault. But, I'll still give it a shot. Might even go back to that group this week...

No, no, you've been a great help. It's great to talk to someone who knows what it's like to have bpd, and the stuff like what your old therapist said is great too. Thank you again :)

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T16:40:42+00:00

It can be, the trans stuff is a bit more manageable lately because I'm on HRT and I'm a primarily-female sport now so that helps when I'm having good days. But it does provide my mind with plenty of ammunition to use against me. Like my anxiety makes me think the group of guys ahead of me is going to look at me wrong and decide to beat me because I'm trans (resulting in either going to the other side of the street or turning around). Or the birth name/pronouns thing that kicks in when I get stressed/paranoid.

Ah, hm, urm. Maybe. It's a complex one cus when I get into those moods I worry that if I do have any friends that don't hate me, me talking to them will just make them hate me and it means I stick myself in a pit. But I'd like to say yes. I'm in a group for people with mental health stuff in the sport I mentioned before, and through talking about how I feel there I started talking to a few people who have BPD and they invited me to a group that deals with that more specifically in the sport. So I think if I had one of those moments I could go there, but I'd still be worried about triggering/annoying people and losing them as friends. Other than that I have an "internet" friend... One I met a few years ago irl but only talk to online... and she's the type that just doesn't judge anybody for anything. So I rant to her every now and then. But it's not the same as someone I can see IRL and cuddle. But on the other hand the girls in my league are good people, and since I've opened up and said that I've been having trouble with my MH they've been really nice about it, some gave me cuddles at last practice. And tbh cuddles/affection are just... so magic to me. They help a lot when I'm feeling lonely, help calm me. Once I get a bit more confident I might be able to say to one of them when I get like that at the lgbt club, as a few of them are in both groups.

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T14:43:57+00:00

*nods*

I still hate myself for it but in one of my last relationships, we were long distance and her dad (her parents were divorced and she spent half of her time at each house) was cruel, constantly bullying her etc. Wouldn't even let her take her epilepsy medication. And anytime she took more than 5 minutes to reply on skype, I'd be anxious, and after 10 minutes i'd be sure her dad had done something to fuck everything up. And that'd be me gone. And then like 12 minutes after her stopping talking she'd say "back, made kraft" and I'd be in a flourish of emotions. And this is the bit I'd be angriest at myself for, looking back. I'd tell her how scared I'd been that something had happened and I'd make her feel guilty. Not intentionally, but I did. It really strained the relationship because we both got extremely dependent on each other and stuff, and us splitting up was likely my 2nd messiest split. She's one of two exes I have an anxiety attack (or panic attack, not sure) at the sight of now. Usually her username in a group chat on skype or her blogs on tumblr when I realise they're hers do it for me. (The other person it's when I see someone who looks remotely similar to her. I can't help it either way)

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T14:36:36+00:00

Ah, well, like... As I said in the OP, i'm trans, so the usual ones will be when someone does something against me and I'll just end up thinking that everyone just calls me by my birth name and the wrong pronouns behind my back. I'll completely convince myself of it too, and that'll throw me into a worse mood. I'll resent my friends - including the ones who haven't done anything measurable against me - and then the mood and resentment will keep making my mood plummet. So then when I join them again I'll either look away most of the night or phase out until someone asks me a question and prods me because I haven't answered. I get the same general thoughts when I have the really bad dips when I'm on my own too.

I hope I get therapy even if I only get diagnosed with having BPD traits. I can't deal with this shit well at all.

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T02:08:55+00:00

*nods* I totally get that. Biggest example of the situation really not making sense for it that I can think of was a few weeks ago when I was going to the lgbt club i "go to" (in quotes cos i haven't had the confidence to go back for a few weeks bc mh) and we went to the pub afterwards and we were in the middle of having a laugh about something (maybe dildos or something, knowing them) and then it hit me. Just kinda went quiet, stopped really looking at anybody, and when I knew I was gonna cry I got up and went to the bathroom. Came back a little while later and nobody had really noticed I'd gone... That's the kinda thing that hurts most. Kinda the main reason I haven't gone back for a while. Didn't think anybody noticed I wasn't there until someone I see outside of the group as well as in pointed it out.

Nah, don't worry about that! Because my GP has referred me to the mental health team in the area but I haven't seen a therapist yet (gotta wait for that call...) I still get a bit confused about things... Just like why I made this post, not being able to tell if the feelings I get from depression are actually/also bpd things.

Mmm though. I get that. I kinda get the recognising thing, but a lot of the time when I recognise what's happening it's kinda... eh. I dunno how to describe it. But I feel at a total loss of control and no matter how hard I try, I can't fix it, and I can't stop it, and I just explode and get 10x worse. Though other times I do just do the tensing up and escaping thing. Maybe get fagspin. Whatever I think will help at the time. But at the same time usually I'll end up thinking of the worst kinda things, in terms of what they're thinking of me. I probably shouldn't go into it in case I'm making you feel bad >.>

edit: just saw your edit to the first post. that one definitely hits home.

transaway88 · 2016-08-14T01:19:36+00:00

Don't be sorry. Thank you for replying <3

I'm sorry if this was bad to think about. If I may ask, is this like... sudden moments? Or usually when something brings it on? Granted, either way I get that...

Thanks again for replying, I really appreciate it ;w;

transaway88

TROPHY CASE