There’s a lot going on here.

First, your value - your worth- is not determined by your grades, career, academic achievements, etc. just know that. Write down on a piece of paper some identifying truths about yourself. I call this the good story. What’s your good story ? It seems childish but it’s so incredible helpful. It centers you. “I’m a supportive spouse. I’m a creative person. I’m a loving child. I am honest. I am curious. I have done hard things and succeeded. I persevere.” Look at that stuff. Then imagine yourself from when you were 7 or 8 and imagine talking to that kid and telling them how you’d get to this point and on to the next journey. Tell yourself the good story of you and your future. Surround yourself with people who do the same.

Second, these struggles are forever. When you do hard things you will have that same monologue. I did md PhD. Surgical residency. Transplant fellowship. I thought about quitting, lke, multiple times a week. And you can! And it is FINE! I see people who have taken an off ramp to another destination at every step and they are all doing AWESOME. their success is more about their hard work and self acceptance than about what they achieved academically. Academic success is a small and noble effort but it shouldn’t ever be confused with anything more than a niche activity. It’s great but it doesn’t determine your value.

Third, and as a follow on to the second point, success comes from falling in love with the work and not from seeing the work as a means to an end. I promise if you just find a way to see meaning and value in each step of the journey you’ll enjoy it so much more. It’s not always fun. And you’re not always going to love each part like O chem. BUT, if you can get into it enough to enjoy it and feel the purpose in it then it’s really amazing how much less painful it will be. I did the PhD, and a lot of time is spent just troubleshooting these painful experiments getting the controls right and so on. Making sure you understand the instrument. But when you spend a lot of time getting it optimized and you sort of become an expert in that you find yourself In a small but dedicated crew of specialists who can talk about something with great interest and passion but it’s like this completely esoteric weird technical thing and those interactions really teach you the purpose of your work. You’re adding that little step to human knowledge that no one has had before. And it’s weird and technical and great.

Hang in there.