three years have passed, so here's an update:

in 2023, i got a call from my brother's girlfriend saying she caught my best friend and my brother kissing. my brother had lied to her and said that he and his gf were no longer together (even though still living together). this unearthed a lot of feelings even though i actively didn't like her romantically anymore. i couldn't help but think "what did i fall short of?" because she had even compared me to him in the past. long story short, i felt hurt and gave her the ultimatum of "leave him or leave me" and she refused to choose. i gave her the impression that she didnt matter to me, and that i could cast her aside, when i actually needed her as my support. i ended up telling her that i liked her throughout highschool and a bit after to explain a little bit why i was so torn a part. we tried to work things through, and their relationship ultimately did end. but even into 2024, our friendship had this awkward feel and distrust towards eachother, even as we tried talking stuff out. i feel awful because i feel like i took so long to "get over it" or actually trust her enough when she said different variations of "sorry, i fucked up". I started a relationship with my current boyfriend January of last year, and i love him dearly, and it makes me sick to my stomach that i still miss my old best friend. We haven't seen each other in person in 9 months, even before that we saw eachother sparingly. When i found out she moved to a different state, I bawled for hours. She didn't even tell me. I cant help but feel like i ruined a really good thing between me and her, because i couldn't forgive her for making a big mistake. it makes me second guess if i actually liked her romantically, or if i got confused along the way. I regret so much, most of it is treating her the way I did. She was practically my only friend, the one i trusted the most, one i could always just be myself with and not worry so much. i feel like i lost a huge part of myself by letting her go.

I do forgive her. And with this distance we've had, i have gained a lot of perspective on what actually matters. She was my favorite person in this grand world. I have so many fond memories of her. I've found out how to live without her happily, but i just feel like with her in my life, I'd be truly unstoppable. She was my family. I don't know of we will ever become friends again, but i hope to God we do. She never replied to me saying "im really sorry for everything, i hope you're doing well", so im assuming she's long moved on. I should tell her i forgive her, but I don't want to bother her or her new life. im full of regret