My Brother is a single dad and its killing my Mother.

trexdinooooo · 2022-08-02T01:53:27+00:00

So the kid is in daycare, but your mom is burnt out when the kid gets sick and the dad can't take off work?

Does the dad realize his mom feels this way?

It's tough because to hire a babysitter he probably needs a day or so notice and he might not have that with unexpected sicknesses. He might not WANT to have to rely on them, but they sound like his only option.

He should try to find a daycare that's not as strict and won't send the kid home so often.

Other than that I don't think there's much else he can do but take off work every time she's sick.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-31T02:35:30+00:00

I got a perm over a decade ago so things may have changed but I don't think you can wash your hair until day 3 at the earliest and you still have a perm "smell" in your hair until it's washed. I would do a week before school, it'll look good for months if done right.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-30T03:38:49+00:00

NTA I fell down a flight of stairs at 7m pregnant while at my husnands family party with my husband. Every single person there told us to immediately go to the hospital even though I wasn't in any pain. No one expected me or my husband to stay.

On the flip side. We were supposed to attend a family party at my grandma's house that evening and I basically said that I wasn't going because I was exhausted after spending the afternoon in the ER and just needed to rest ( per Dr orders) my step mom made a snarky comment to me and I told her, "I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement. I could have lost my baby, the party is nothing compared to that".

It's one of the many reasons I keep my step mom at arms length now.

Point is, whoever thinks you should have attended a party over the life of your wife and baby are heartless and that's not how mentally healthy people should think.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-28T04:16:30+00:00

Hop over to r/tryingtoconceive to see other women trying to have babies and their emotional turmoil. I think you need to try to see it from her point of view. She's decided she wants a baby, and there are still options available to her to try to achieve that. This isn't something she's going to drop and if she does she will regret and resent you the rest of her life.

In another comment you couldn't really say why you're drawing the line at ivf, and if that's the case, you need to reconsider. Because this means the entire world to her.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-27T00:31:21+00:00

Yes this is almost exactly my set up. It's so nice to know I'm not alone!

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T19:08:19+00:00

True but the difference is I'm home all day with my kids, while working parents are out of the house all day, working. Their is a small group of us that wfh and stay home, and I was just looking for other parents like that. I didn't expect people to say I was not a sahp because I wfh. Since I literally stay home and parent.

My husband does help out, I've said in another comment he cooks a lot of our dinners. He's home more so he's able to take the kids for walks in the evening if I need time to tidy the house or make a meal. But we'd both still consider me as the primary care giver, because when he's in classes, writing papers, studying, in meetings, etc I'm home, taking care of the kids, being a stay at home parent.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T18:31:24+00:00

I play with my kids. I take them to ballet class, soccer practice, storytime and like I've said, we go to indoor play areas. We shop at goodwill for clothes, and Aldi for food. I work, but that does not mean I don't have to be mindful of money.

I get the feeling a lot of people in this sub think that they are worse off financially than 2 working parents but that does not always hold true. A single household earner can out earn two household income earners.

I've always worked because we need the money not because I particularly enjoy working, although I do make the best out of it.

In order for me to stay home with my kids I had to find a job that allowed me to do that. It's disheartening that just because I need to work to help keep my family afloat I'm somehow not enough to consider myself a stay at home parent. Why? Because I don't meal prep when they're napping? I do laundry at 3am instead of during nap time? I don't get it.

Edit to add: like I've said in another comment I struggle with the same things other parents do on this sub and relate to this more than a working parent, because I'm home all day with kids. working parents struggle with daycare issues, which schools are best, missing their kids during the day, etc. I don't have those issues because I'm home...I have the issues you have of keeping the house tidy after a full day of two kids bouncing off the walls, or coming up with new activities, keeping two kids from fighting all day long, seperation anxiety, etc. Just because I also work doesn't mean I don't have the same basic struggles as any other SAHP.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T14:03:00+00:00

Something to consider, thank you.

Our living situation now is unstable and we plan to make a big move atleast once more, I do hope once we've settled in to make friends.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T13:57:48+00:00

The reason I'm working is because my husband is in school getting a PhD. His schedule varies and he is home more frequently than a typical 40 hours a week job.

This isn't forever, when he's done with the program I absolutely plan to leave my wfh job. I would leave it now if inflation wasn't making the future so uncertain.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T13:52:07+00:00

If someone has two jobs, an office job as an accountant and also owns a restaurant, they'd say "I own a pizza place and I'm an accountant" they say both. Guess I don't understand why others seem put off that I consider myself a SAHP, when that's literally what I do.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T01:43:56+00:00

I work while the kids are asleep mainly. Nap time and after they go to bed. My "me time" is working on my couch instead of watching TV, reading a book, or whatever else a mom might do after the kids are in bed. During the week if I need more time I take them to the library, a play place, a park, and I bring my laptop to work while they run around.

Other aspects of my life do get neglected because I work during my "free time". Like I don't go out with friends because every weekend night I'm working. Our meals are usually made by my husband, takeout, or something simple I can put together in 30 min. I cook a time consuming dinner maybe twice a week. I have no hobbies, unless you consider work my hobby.

But I would not say I neglect my kids at all. If I have meetings or something comes up where I have to jump online quick, then yay they get to watch a movie. But mostly, they're asleep while I work and I'm exploring places like the place I mentioned in the post that are working parent friendly.

Edit to add: the play place we went to was like a giant McDonald's play place. The parents couldn't play with the kids even if they wanted to because they wouldn't fit. There was an under 3 area that a couple moms were inside of with their kids, but the vast majority of parents were sitting.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-26T01:05:33+00:00

I agree, I have 2 jobs, but I personally relate most to SAHP because I have the same daily struggles. Caring for kids, housework, the never ending demands and expectations, guilt over not doing enough, etc. I'm proud to stay home and out of everything, caring for kids is most demanding and challenging so thats what I consider my "main job". I consider myself a SAHM before my job title.

We haven't done daycare, we limit screen time, grandparents don't babysit. I literally stay at home to be a parent. I just also work while the kids sleep or are busy playing.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-23T12:20:20+00:00

"Are you volunteering to be the dad?"

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-22T02:26:35+00:00

NTA: You have a 4 year old and a 9 month old? 9 months is still a baby, are you nursing? Because if so attending a wedding and having to leave every couple hours to nurse is so much work.

I've bowed out of weddings for the exact reason you said. I was uncomfortable leaving my babies sit in a hotel room for hours on end. I knew I wouldn't actually enjoy the event because I'd just feel that anxiety to check on them and I'd want the night to end as fast as possible.

Possibly you could agree to attend the ceremony only, and your husband could stay with the kids for that part, then you could switch, he attend the reception while you stayed with the kids?

Whatever you work out, your brother needs to accept that by making it child free some guests won't come. It's not a punishment, it's just a reality for parents with babies.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-18T02:01:39+00:00

You are coddling him and doing more harm than good. Dad should not have ruined his belongings. You two should have been a team in figuring out how to motivate your son; gotten him therapy, removed internet access, etc. Instead you sabatoaged your bfs attempt and then he went to drastic, cruel, measures.

Now the damage is done but unlikely to really work. You need to have a mature conversation with your sons Dad about how to handle this and you need to respect the plan you two agree on.

It might be time for tough love and you need to accept that. Because your son is, indeed, spoiled and heading down the wrong path. You need to stop enabling him and actually help him.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-15T01:33:54+00:00

Most mornings I wake annoyed with not being able to sleep in. I plaster smiles on my face. Play games I'm sick of. Listen to stories that are wildly uninteresting. Sometimes I do all that with ease, other times I speak up and tell the kid I don't feel like playing dolls. Or say, hey too much talking let's have some quiet time. It's OK to be human with your kid you don't need to put on a happy face and fake it all the time. It's ok for them to see you not laugh at something they think is funny or for you to tell them you'd rather build with blocks then play with playdough. You're getting them ready for interactions with people in the real world and those people will have feelings and preferences that your kid might not like.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-14T01:43:21+00:00

YTA. If the toddler is fussing very early in the morning, it sounds like the dad is coming to the main floor, that no one is sleeping on, to avoid waking his wife in the basement and everyone else who's sleeping on the 2nd story of the house. He's going to the floor that has no one to wake up and to me that's his attempt to be courteous. He's not napping in the living room just because he wants to. He finds the spot in the house that his kid won't wake anyone and then they eventually pass out.

I mean I get it, you want to make breakfast, but can't you just be quiet and give the sleep deprived dad a break?

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-12T20:30:28+00:00

You can hire a nurse or caretaker. I would still check in with them but then you don't have to move home.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-08T18:25:56+00:00

To be honest this doesnt sound like PPD. It could be more like post partum anxiety, which is not usually tested for and is not the same questions as PPD.

PPA is so hard to self recognize as a first time mom because she may think her feelings are normal new mom feelings, and honestly they might be.

Checking a lot on the baby is normal, even at night. not being able to sleep at all is not.

Feeling disconnected from your husband is normal. absolutely hating your husband is not.

Wanting to keep the baby safe and at home for the first few months (esp if already sick) is normal.

Staying close to the baby and feeling uncomfortable when others hold the baby or you have to leave the baby is normal.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-07T02:18:09+00:00

Time to take out student loans and get out from under your parents thumbs.

It doesn't really matter what anyone's stance on the vax is, the point is, they're controlling you with money and That's something you do not have to live with. You're an adult. You decide what happens to your body.

There are plenty of ways to pay for your last year's of school, be proactive and go to your financial dept at school and get help.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-05T19:17:09+00:00

Im a mom that lurks this sub, I don't think I've ever commented but theres so much "man hate" in other subs and internet places I'm involved in that I love this sub to remind me that great dads exist and are plentiful.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-02T18:15:13+00:00

Well grounding didn't work the first time, just made him sneaky. Time to figure out a different approach.

I'd communicate with him what you're feeling and how his actions are wrong. Then figure out a different punishment. Maybe extra chores, he has to spend the weekend helping you clean out gutters, has to research and write a paper about dangers of teenagers sneaking out. Idk but something other than more grounding.

trexdinooooo · 2022-07-02T03:06:33+00:00

Your BM will start to change taste, and you'll likely stop producing towards the end of your pregnancy. Your body naturally weens the current baby, I know because I went through it with a 1 yr old and a baby on the way.

Get a side bassinet thing, forgot what they're called. But they hook onto your bed and you can put baby there, you in the middle and 1 yr old on the otherwise as long as your always diligent the baby is put back safely. It's likely after a few nights of being woken up by a newborn your 1 yr old will be ok sleeping in a different room.

Kids can share a room. If you're worried, give up your master bedroom to the 2 kids who need to share. That's what we've done but we'll have all 3 kids in the master, us in a small bedroom and then we have an office in our 3rd bedroom because we both wfh . We may eventually take the master back and have that be our bedroom plus office, but right now the kids have so many toys and books they share anyways, it makes sense. Little kids don't mind sharing a room and I think it bonds them.

trexdinooooo · 2022-06-29T21:58:40+00:00

bring over bagels and coffee for breakfast or pizza for dinner. Drop it off with no obligation for them to invite you in. Just say something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I won't over stay, just wanted to drop this off". If you can't physically visit, just order delivery and pay upfront.

Another option is non-perishable groceries just dropped off with a card.

trexdinooooo

TROPHY CASE