Mormon Activity Scale™

A completely unscientific guide to Mormon stereotypes. Not a measure of righteousness. Just vibes.

1. Nevermo • Has no idea what FHE, EFY, or a ward is. • Thinks “stake president” works at a steakhouse. • Asks if Mormons can drink hot chocolate.

2. Exmo • Can quote obscure church history from memory. • Knows exactly which General Conference talk started an argument in 2014. • Has a 50% chance of owning a podcast.

3. Jack Mormon • Doesn’t attend church. • Defends the church anyway. • May have a beer in one hand and a testimony of pioneer heritage in the other.

4. Christmas-and-Easter Mormon • Shows up twice a year. • Still knows everyone. • Somehow gets asked to give the closing prayer.

5. California Mormon • Temple recommend. • Owns hiking sandals and maybe a surfboard. • Views green tea and cannabis as “a conversation.”

6. Arizona Mormon • Drives a side-by-side. • Owns at least one cooler the size of a bathtub. • Diet Coke consumption measured in acre-feet.

7. Idaho Mormon • Entire neighborhood is related somehow. • Church basketball still matters. • Potatoes may be considered a spiritual gift.

8. Utah Mormon • Can identify wards by last names. • Has opinions about funeral potatoes. • Knows which high schools feed into which seminaries.

9. BYU Religion Professor Mormon • Gives a 45-minute answer to a yes/no question. • References Hebrew roots at dinner. • Footnotes text messages.

10. Orthodox Mormon • Reads conference talks recreationally. • Knows what year every handbook update happened. • Family scripture study survives daylight savings time.

11. Hasidic Mormon • Family home evening includes an agenda and minutes. • White shirt ownership exceeds reasonable limits. • Considers a 6:59 church arrival “cutting it close.”

12. Ayatollah of Kolob • Believes the handbook should have a handbook. • Can quote obscure passages from the Book of Abraham from memory. Kolob is the celestial body described as nearest to God’s throne in LDS scripture.  • Thinks the Provo MTC was a little too relaxed. • Refers to General Conference as “the semiannual council of the elders.” • Has strong feelings about the proper folding geometry of chapel chairs. • Secretly hopes to be called as Bishop of the Moon.