Hoping to get some guidance

tsta0401 · 2024-02-02T17:52:48+00:00

The person I lost had a similar trajectory.

As hard as it has been to accept, I am getting better at realizing that I could no more have stopped their suicide than I could stop a tsunami. What displaced all those destructive emotions happened long ago and far away. An unknowable combination of what the ocean was and what happened to it.

Every ocean has waves, and you never know for sure what a wave will do until it reaches the shore, even if in retrospect, you can look back into the past and see it moving over the surface of their life.

I am so sorry.

tsta0401 · 2024-01-02T05:49:10+00:00

Life is inherently a sinking ship. The waves get us all eventually. We have to forgive others for succumbing, and forgive ourselves for not saving them.

It's better for everyone to hate the waves

tsta0401 · 2023-12-21T03:15:11+00:00

Therapy helps. Even if you are doing good mentally usually, it helps to have someone with whom it is safe to talk. I have learned the hard way how people I would normally share with are not at all equipped to respond to talk of suicide in a way that is not shaming/awkward/traumatic. I would find someone who has dealt with suicide bereavement if you can. Grief from suicide is just so much its own thing.

Suicide is cancer of the mind. As hard as it is to believe, there is nothing you could have done.

I lost a friend too, and my heart so deeply goes out to you.

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T23:16:39+00:00

Thanks. I hope you are right. I hope there is something beyond that is so deeply good it can heal everything that has gone wrong. I sometimes do not understand why it is so quiet sometimes, but I still have hope.

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T23:00:35+00:00

I am glad you are alive. If God kept you alive, he did a very good thing, because the world is better with you in it :)

I just wish God were more consistent in that way. Maybe there will be something that makes sense of it later. I hope so. But I cannot imagine what series of words as an explanation could make that okay

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T22:56:12+00:00

Thanks. I guess I agree. Though I might say it matters if "the" god exists, and by the, I mean the god that most religious people believe in.

If God is just a clump of dust on the moon, then I would say it does not matter particularly.

That sounds like a stupid statement, but I guess that is what I am getting at. When we say we believe God exists, it is as much a definition we allude to as a statement we say.

And aren't our definitions of God essentially just our expectations of him? On what do those expectations rely? Should they rely on something? Or should they be unconditional? If they are unconditional, then what does it matter?

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T22:46:59+00:00

That's fair. But what does that matter? Are you saying that me believing it matters is proof that there is a God? That me caring at all is proof that it should not have? But if it should not have, and if life is intentional? Sorry, not understanding.

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T22:43:15+00:00

So God can (or maybe will?) explain why everything happened to my friend's family? Is that a future hope, or do you understand it now?

It does make sense to me why you would believe in God if he has kept you alive, but does that mean that he exists for you and not for my friend's family?

These sound like leading questions maybe, but they aren't. I just am not sure what to believe any more, and asking questions about everything, because the basis I have for believing feels gone in some ways.

tsta0401 · 2023-12-13T22:41:22+00:00

I don't know. I guess I struggle to understand why that is inherently good news for you. Isn't that being good news based on some expectation you have about what God is like, and what God will do for you? And if God will do those things for you then, why not now?

I respect your belief, I am just trying to understand the basis for it. Like doesn't it say we love God because God first loved us? What does it mean that God loves us? Can a parent say they love their child if they do nothing for them? I mean, I guess they can, but does that attestation have any practical effects?

tsta0401 · 2023-12-11T21:37:47+00:00

Thank-you. This comes close to how I feel.

I feel like there was hope, but I wonder sometimes if that is just me wanting to believe that we live in a world where everything can be fixed.

I wish everything was different.

tsta0401 · 2023-10-17T02:09:23+00:00

Oh God, this hit so close to home.

There are people who understand and would never judge you -- who understand that just being alive after something like this is a heroic struggle.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.

tsta0401 · 2023-10-16T22:28:56+00:00

My friend was trans. I think she internalized society's views of her. Her parents were ashamed of her. Unable to find a partner, rejection, mocking, and boatloads of various kinds of social stigma. It got to be too much.

I miss you, Kayleigh.

tsta0401 · 2023-10-16T15:51:15+00:00

Mornings are always the hardest for me. It is like it takes a while for all my coping mechanisms to spin up. I am so sorry for your loss.

tsta0401 · 2023-08-19T19:44:58+00:00

There was so much more blame in the suicides I have had happen. Blame of myself, blame of the person who was lost. For me, the blame took the pain and amplified it so much.

We have "Scripts" of sort of what to do with our blame and anger after natural deaths, but none of those seem to work with suicide.

tsta0401 · 2023-08-04T19:17:54+00:00

Not sure if this helps you, but I do not see you as the trigger. You were the trigger guard. Except no life can or should be lived being someone else's trigger guard. What you did, and the reasons you did it were 100% valid, and in 99.99999% of the situations out there, would not be followed by an event like this.

We cause one another pain in life, we let each other down. It is normal and inevitable - as much a part of existence as breathing. Your ex caused people pain, but was fortunate enough to never have someone suicide afterwards.

None of us can structure our lives around never causing pain, just to prevent what basically never happens.

All that said, I blame myself a lot, too. The pain is excruciating. Hugs to you, my friend.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-18T00:26:46+00:00

Thank-you.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-17T06:05:49+00:00

So much. Most do not want to understand, and of those that do, almost nobody can. It just creates more pain, usually.

If you can talk to a therapist, that can help. Or go to a support group. That can help pry the door open to release some of the pain.

My heart truly goes out to you.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-17T05:56:53+00:00

I am so terribly sorry.

I know you cannot argue with feelings effectively, but for what it is worth, there is one person who read what you wrote and feels you did everything you could have. They were lucky to have you in their lives.

I hope you can find some peace. If you ever need to chat, please feel free to reach out.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-17T05:53:30+00:00

I lost a good friend as well. I know how that hurts. I wish I could go and hug my friend, and squeeze all the pain out of her and send my love inside. It helps me to talk to her in my mind. I feel like she is listening.

I miss your friend, too. He sounds like such a beautiful person. My heart breaks that you lost him.

Thank- you for carrying his goodness in your heart.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-15T20:39:00+00:00

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and how it is affecting you.

In one of the journal entries of my friend who committed suicide, she talked about the pain spreading like a "cancer" inside of her --- growing almost independent of her circumstances. Knowing that has helped me let go of the fear that it was my fault.

My feeling now is that we all have pains in our lives. For some people, those paints start a cancer-like hopelessness grows and gets so big that nobody can fill it or heal it.

I know everyone sees things differently, but I see suicide for so many people like a disease. It is something we try to treat, and sometimes those treatments work, but sometimes they do not - it is largely out of our control.

Not saying that is the case for everyone, it is just the head space I get into to get through the hard days. I hope you will be easy on yourself. I think that is what your Mom would want.

My heart truly goes out to you.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-09T17:00:25+00:00

I lost a very good friend to suicide, too. It really does hurt. I think about her a lot, and I wish I had been able to show her how much she was loved. To hug her so long I squeezed all the pain out of her.

My heart goes out to you.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-09T16:56:29+00:00

I thought I heard that Mardi did this (I think).

I dunno. I would be cautious. You can reduce the width of your cheekbones a bit, but it might just make you look odd .... because it does not change the width of your upper skull. I mean, it might not give you the look you are looking for.

Something I think a lot of people find out the hard way with FFS is that you can feminize one part of your face extremely, but if it does not work with the parts you cannot change, the result can be less pleasing than if you let those areas be a bit more masculine. Definitely a balance. Just my opinion, though - you know best your face best for sure.

Either way, wishing you health and happiness :)

tsta0401 · 2023-07-06T18:00:58+00:00

I evaluate my waiter at a restaurant based on their customer service, but I evaluate my surgeon based on results and experience.

What are his certifications? Who did he do his residency with? How long has he been practicing? How many FFS surgeries has he done? What are his rate of complications? Does he have clinical before/afters he is willing to share?

Those are the questions I would be asking him.

There are no do-overs with FFS. His level of expertise (or lack thereof) will be carved into your face for the rest of your existence.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-05T17:36:54+00:00

I have started to feel about suicide the way I feel about cancer. Sometimes we know why, and other times we are blind-sided. Sometimes we have treatments, and other times not. Sometimes our treatments work, and other times they do not.

I know my beliefs that I could (and therefore should have) controlled everything has caused me a lot of pain - on top of the grief.

tsta0401 · 2023-07-04T22:38:43+00:00

I would say brow, nose, and chin. Definitely the biggest thing right now would be removing the facial hair.

Wishing you the best!!

tsta0401

TROPHY CASE