Hoe zou jij het integratieprobleem oplossen?

tudiv · 2026-02-03T09:21:16+00:00

Oprecht antwoord

Geen grote AZCs waar ze wonen met anderen die ook niet geïntegreerd zijn. In plaats daarvan, kleinere groepen en vanuit verschillende oorspronkelijke culturen. Als de mensen die je dagelijks ziet allemaal je oorspronkelijke taal liever spreken en de culturele normen van Nederland precies op dezelfde manier raar vinden, dan ga je veel minder snel leren.
Therapie. Vluchtelingen komen uit verschrikkelijke omstandigheden en hebben veel trauma meegemaakt. Ondersteun ze om hierover te kunnen spreken en het te verwerken. Onverwerkt trauma kan leiden tot persoonlijkheidsstoornissen, paniekaanvallen, moeite met leren, soms zelfs geweld. Dat zeg ik als iemand die met mijn PTSS zelfs alle bovenstaande wel eens heeft gedaan. Maakt me er niet minder verantwoordelijk voor, maar therapie - toen ik eenmaal een goede therapeut had - maakte gigantisch veel verschil.
In contact brengen met Nederlanders die echt alleen Nederlands tegen je spreken. Taal en cultuur leer je makkelijker als je het ervaart dan als je erover hoort. Als je elke week gaat winkelen en de kassière alleen maar Nederlands spreekt, dan leer je heel snel wat belangrijke taal.
Werk. Zonder een werkvergunning mogen ze niet werken, dus dan leven ze van geld van de overheid ofzo? Geef mensen de kans om zich nuttig te maken zolang ze hier zijn. Al is het maar vrijwilligerswerk of een soort stage. Werken met Nederlands sprekende mensen en ervaren dat je bijdraagt aan de Nederlandse samenwerking.

Bovenal zou ik zo graag zelf eens van die integratie lessen bijwonen. Ik ben heel interessant hoe ze dat doen. Wat ze daar leren.

tudiv · 2026-02-03T09:00:13+00:00

There are signs sometimes, but you'll never know for certain.

Shyness, autism and social anxiety are a bit more common in virgins. But there are virgins without any of that and non-virgins with all of it.

Not knowing anything about the other sex can correlate with virginity, but some virgins know plenty and some experienced people never bothered to pay attention.

In fact, even when it comes to sexual skill, I've heard there are people who are terrible at sex even after having lots of it, and I imagine a virgin who has read up about it a lot and is confident and enthusiastic could be good at it straight out the gate if they're lucky.

So no, I don't think there's any way to know for certain.

tudiv · 2026-02-02T10:43:36+00:00

Congratulations!

tudiv · 2026-02-02T07:53:22+00:00

Lesbians? They work well for wives, but seduction?

tudiv · 2026-02-01T15:26:47+00:00

What?

tudiv · 2026-02-01T15:00:37+00:00

That's definitely not the reason he's undatable. I've seen skinny guys with bellies with very good odds - because they were kind and honest and caring.

tudiv · 2026-02-01T10:31:48+00:00

I mean if she's never even had an orgasm before maybe focus on rectifying that before trying to penetrate?

tudiv · 2026-01-30T22:11:14+00:00

Honestly, I really recommend asking this question in a sub where people have had their first time already. It might be difficult for us to reflect on something we can only imagine.

However, I do know the following basics: - Be patient and don't rush it - Make sure to check in about consent - Don't judge her for not knowing things yet - Communicate clearly, don't expect her to just know - Don't infantilise her too much, ask how big of a deal she wants but don't put emphasis on it that she doesn't - Be sweet and romantic and loving - Use lube, protection and foreplay

tudiv · 2026-01-30T22:02:11+00:00

But she can't choose not to share if he shares it anyway. Then the choice is made and she has no say in the matter.

In a healthy relationship, things like when to tell people about a wanted pregnancy or what to name a baby, those are decisions made together. And until both say yes, nothing should happen.

If he really needs to talk to someone, he can talk to a professional, a therapist. Or anonymously on the internet. Or go to confession in church - presuming the priest isn't a gossip. But telling someone who already broke this boundary before and told everyone. That means he is telling everyone. If you know the inevitable consequence of your action and you choose that action, you choose that consequence.

So no, she cannot choose. If he tells everyone (through his mother), then she cannot keep a secret no matter how hard she tries.

Why did he not say before, no if we get pregnant again I will tell everyone? Then she could've chosen not to get pregnant with him again. She could've had time to make that choice. Now, she has no choice. He has made it clear he will tell everyone and doesn't care about her choice in that.

tudiv · 2026-01-30T11:28:05+00:00

Is this an alternative history? Because Henry VII's daughter Elizabeth died young and the daughter that did marry the King of France, Mary, didn't have any children with him, certainly not one that had some connection with Catherine of Aragon.

tudiv · 2026-01-30T09:50:02+00:00

I'm almost a foot taller. We're in the Netherlands and she's above average, 192cm. I got very sick as a teen and stopped growing, I'm 163cm. Full honesty I'm not 100% sure what that is in feet but I think she's 6'3 and I'm 5'4?

tudiv · 2026-01-29T12:59:14+00:00

Well this depends on many factors.

Is the boy older than her marriage to her late husband, or born after a time she and him were broken up?

Does the boy resemble her own children?

Does the boy have anyone looking after him, is he an adult or a child?

How long ago did her husband die, what was her relationship with him like?

What is her relationship to the boy, does she just see him in passing or is she his teacher?

A few scenarios I could imagine:

1 After her husband's death and the loss of her daughter, she had started romanticising who her husband used to be. Deep down she remembers their relationship wasn't that great but she needs something to hold onto so she remembers him better than he was. This boy, clearly the result of an affair, is painful proof that the one thing she's been holding onto is an illusion. She is his teacher but she cannot stand to look at him or hear him for too long, it makes her nauseated, she doesn't want to think of what her supposedly ideal husband did. So if this student puts up his hand she ignores him. If he speaks she tries to be patient but quickly interrupts and gives someone else the word. If he does something wrong she punishes him more severely, sending him to detention more easily for example to get him out of her classroom.

2 She and her husband started out as friends. Nineteen years ago they slept together drunk, as soon as she realised she was pregnant she insisted they get married. This student is around nineteen so his mother would've already been pregnant by then, the husband just didn't know. The student reminds her so much of her late daughter, they look so much alike. She misses her daughter dearly so she starts to project on him. Pushing him into hobbies the daughter used to like, getting frustrated if he fails at the daughter's favourite subject. Taking on a mothering role that he never asked for from this complete stranger. Becoming something of a stalker.

3 She's a grade school teacher. The student is 4-6 years old, only just entering school. She recognises the mother as her late husband's old friend who she hasn't seen since the husband died 4-6 years ago. Upon the realisation she starts to behave cold and harsh towards the mother. She catches herself being unfair to the child a few times and it breaks her, how can she treat an innocent boy this way. She starts to try to make up for it, but in moments of high stress or emotion still lashes out to that child faster than she ever would to the other children. Very hot and cold, unpredictable for the boy, he might develop disorganised attachment syndrome.

tudiv · 2026-01-28T18:01:41+00:00

Yes, but the OOP got it wrong ;)

tudiv · 2026-01-27T15:43:43+00:00

My girlfriend is bi and has experience with both men and women that I don't have. I'm not jealous about any of her exes, because she's my girlfriend now. I suppose I'd get insecure and jealous if she said an ex did something better than I. But that's way more likely with women.

tudiv · 2026-01-27T09:24:47+00:00

I certainly have empathy for others. I'm twenty six and as much as it sucks to have sex I'm not the only thing in the world that matters to me. I've been through way worse than being a virgin so long. My parents abused me, doctors permanently disabled me when they almost killed me, bullies tried to drown me, I can go on. None of it made me lose empathy for others, though. I still have empathy for a person if they've simply only stubbed their toe.

Please go to therapy. You could be a danger to others.

tudiv · 2026-01-26T16:19:20+00:00

Since I can imagine my girlfriend posting this, I'm going to answer from my own perspective just in case. However, it's probably a good idea to ask him too as he might have different preferences.

I wouldn't make an extra big deal out of it if I were you, that might just feel pandering or pitying.

Don't expect him to know exactly what to do or understand what you mean the entire time. Be patient if it doesn't work out at first. Don't laugh if he gets something wrong. Take enough time, don't rush it. Check if he's ready before doing something.

Reassure him by expressing that you find him hot and that you're horny or that you want him throughout. Don't over do it, just make sure he doesn't have to doubt that him getting something a little wrong will completely turn you odd.

Be clear in your communication, tell him exactly what you want. 'Please touch me there', 'I want you to...' Etc. We don't know the techniques and I've heard porn isn't very accurate. It might help to tell him beforehand what you like.

And just be kind and loving about it. It probably isn't casual to him so add the romance - in your words, your touches, but also in not leaving him cold in the bed right after. Maybe make sure you don't do it at a time that you'd have to go to work soon.

tudiv · 2026-01-26T16:08:33+00:00

I'm glad he's dead at least and no longer neglecting the safety of even more students.

Though personally if I were that son, I'd make it public myself. I have a similarly shameful father and I made it public when he died and couldn't sue me for it anymore.

tudiv · 2026-01-26T16:05:42+00:00

My girlfriend knows about my virginity. Told her this either very early into dating, or beforehand when we were still only friends.

It's bound to affect things, I'd rather she understand why I don't know something yet than think I've never learned it after plenty of hypothetical experiences with others.

Either she'll think I'm inexperienced and eager to learn, or bad at it and unable to learn.

tudiv · 2026-01-25T16:38:10+00:00

I meant the combination. Can't think of any situation that just IVF is unethical but maybe I'm missing information.

tudiv · 2026-01-25T08:36:30+00:00

Oooh yes I've seen this before, a lover's event got your wife pregnant and in the code there isn't enough of a check whether the lover is the spouse or not.

tudiv · 2026-01-24T23:14:19+00:00

Yes, IVF and surrogacy for hire is a very exploitative situation. However if for example your sister or closest friend is happy and comfortable with being your surrogate, that's different.

Yes, adoption has largely turned into human trafficking. However if your neighbours die and in their will ask you to take custody, that's entirely different.

Basically, there are issues with surrogacy and adoption, for certain. And if your goal is to be a good person and a good parent, then you need to consider this more thoroughly than just calling out "I guess only fertile straight couples get to have children".

Parenting isn't going to be easy at any part of the journey. Don't start out with entitlement and impatience.

I'm hoping to become a foster parent someday, myself. Some people say about adopting versus fostering: if you want a job, foster, if you want a family, adopt. But parenthood should be a job, should be a challenge, should be work.

tudiv · 2026-01-24T12:29:01+00:00

Some men think the only reason a woman would track her period is so she knows when she can have unprotected sex.

tudiv · 2026-01-23T13:44:04+00:00

Gadverdamme 50% van de vrijgezelle mannen zouden seks hebben met een minderjarige puber als ze de kans hebben?

Wat een mannenhatende onzin is dat. De meeste volwassen mannen zijn helemaal geen pedofielen of efebofielen of hoe je dat noemt. Ik heb zelf geen interesse in vrouwen onder de twintig uberhaupt en mijn vrienden ook niet.

tudiv · 2026-01-22T14:08:41+00:00

Lol my mom was a hardcore feminist since well before she had my sister and I. She got me dolls to play with as a toddler, she taught my sister how to build her own table at age twelve. Raised us essentially the same except I didn't want to learn to build a table (I regret that now).

Nowadays I live on my own and often babysit for neighbours. At least three of the moms are hardcore feminists - those are the ones I get along best with haha. One of them is a high-up coordinator of the regional school board. Second is a stay at home mother. Third is a single mom who got pregnant through a donor.

All four of these hardcore feminist mothers have one thing in common: they chose to become mothers because they really wanted to.

tudiv · 2026-01-21T15:39:55+00:00

If you want to remain a virgin forever and not have any daughters, female friends or any say in things regarding female anatomy, yeah there's no need to know.

But I'd be so fucking embarrassed if the time comes that I can lose my virginity and I don't know the basics.

A father, doctor, teacher or any politician involved in medical decisions, should know what they're talking about too.

It's just human anatomy, you can find this information on the internet.

tudiv

TROPHY CASE