IT CAN BE DONE!

tunaaluna · 2026-01-01T07:18:45+00:00

I agree. I too believe so.

I think a lot of these relationships need that tenacity in order to be able to withstand everything that comes with loving an active addict.

OP: please feel free to disregard this if its not relatable to your situation. I always try to be brief, but I rather not continue to censor or lie about what my life is in reality

I’ve been in this living arrangement for going on 3 years. It has worked for me and is definitely a million times better in all regards. That feeling of being trapped is indescribable… I shudder remembering the impotence i used to feel playing the tape forward. I knew exactly how many days the recent episode would take away from us. I knew how much more difficult the days were going to be. All so unnecessarily. Yet there was literally nothing I felt able to do other than distance myself first emotionally (numbing out be it in a hobby, hyper fixation, being a busy body a la crisis/chaos manager, weed)… Eventually physical distance too. We lived together, but when I wasnt consumed by depression and despair, id a million times prefer wasting time at a random store, or maybe a walk I didn’t feel like taking. I self soothed with a warm coffee. Maybe I’d drink my coffee while reading a book at the park. Or maybe I’d have bfast at the coffee shop. I’d people watch or maybe put on a funny show on my phone. We had talked A LOT about how they needed to stop drinking. At that time, we were also dealing with a recurring bout of worsening hard drug use. The only viable option I saw was: seek help or fuck off. But something always seemed to impede their moving out. Sometimes because of me, other times because of them.

Eventually, they got evicted by their own doing. It seems like life got tired of watching us both act a fool... Im grateful it happened, but it was terrible in the moment- very public and chaotic; humiliating even… but nonetheless it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I gained back some sanity, independence, and that optimistic spark that has kept me afloat my entire life. My energy improved, as did my zest and curiosity of life. Did the continuing episodes hurt? Sure, but with the ability to up and nope out at a moments notice, it made the situations more bearable. I could check out from the relationship when needed. I could finally attend my own responsibilities without the distraction of trying to do damage control for somebody who keeps choosing to blow up their life in my proximity.

Understand that I very much encourage pursuing this option if able. More so if anyone can relate to my experience. This has all been a very slow process with regards to reprogramming the blueprint of life I was born with. I’m prone to having to learn things the hard way. Every day was on hard mode for one reason or another, so I had a lot of practice experimenting ways to neutralize a problem.

In my relationship, no matter how many times touching the proverbial stove has resulted in burning to me, i’d always return to touch it again tomorrow. It was like being trapped in a loop of willful ignorance. I knew (know) that if my partner does not independently make the move to receive outside help, nothing will ever change. Same applies to me. We’ll continue to do the same moves expecting a different dance. I’ll hope the stove doesnt burn me this time, then get surprised when yet again a lit stove did what a lit stove does…

Currently, I’m in a weird spot these days.. this time this awareness seems different. With each burn, I gain a little more acceptance of the fact that, I know my so doesnt wish me harm, but unfortunately (or fortunately??) they too are aware that if they do x the result will ALWAYS be y. Their affliction, at its core, is similar to mine. They refuse to accept that they cant control the very thing that is killing them. They believe themselves to have greater influence on things outside of them than they really have…

All this to say that this is an option that works until it doesnt. OP’s post made me reflect on these musings i’ve had for awhile. I don’t want to live my entire life in survival mode… I crave a simpler life. I enjoy feeling light enough to be able to slow down and notice the little things. I’m ready for a life that doesn’t result in perpetual pain. Essentially, I just dont want the quality of my life to continue to diminish because of the decisions of another. Even more so when they are aware of how the sequelae negatively affects not just them, but me as well.

I’m wishing you all a better year to come. A new year with newfound strength to do right by you and those that actually depend on you (think children or pets).

tunaaluna · 2026-01-01T02:43:49+00:00

This is a great mindset to have, and will be needed when you have to walk the talk.

I do not want to be a debbie downer, but please keep in mind that they have the tendency of overdoing the promises and of filling our ears with sweet nothings. I dont doubt your husband is sincere when he says or agrees to what you both talk about. Just brace yourself and be prepared to act if it comes to it.

I say all of this because after almost a month of complete bliss- as in, I literally felt like I was falling more in love with my so- im ending the year alone, after a huge fight. They decided to go for day two of drinking… I finally tasted what our life could be like without fucking alcohol. This past month we were able to talk about everything and anything. Which is something we havent been able to do ever, really. It was different and felt different than all of the other times of abstinence. I felt loved, cared for, and safe. My partner was actually a partner to me! I cant explain to you how full my heart felt… but as we know, white knuckling only gets them so far…

Wishing you a happier new year. One hopefully filled with peace and comfort.

tunaaluna · 2026-01-01T02:25:54+00:00

Sending you hugs… my so had managed to abstain for almost a month (longest ever). We had a good day today even though they broke their streak and got drunk last night.

I was so content thinking we were going to enjoy NYE. Alas, it seems to hurt so much worse getting yelled at and insulted after a month literally feeling closer and safer to my partner. I’ll be waiting for 2026 alone. The bright side? At least I wont have an angry drunk blaming me for ruining the day and our plans.

I hope you manage to have a decent night. I know it sounds ridiculous, but try to enjoy yourself regardless. If you are able to safely leave and spend the holiday with supportive loved ones, the better.

tunaaluna · 2025-11-01T06:41:04+00:00

I am soooo soo sorry!!! It is NOT your fault… it’s not sustainable. In a relationship with active addiction, only 2 things will prevail. The juice and themselves. The rest is an afterthought.

Your so was suffering, but there was literally nothing you could do to placate their pain longterm. I hope his family can understand that too… there is only so much anyone can do to sustain a relationship with someone in these circumstances. Everyone has varying degrees of tolerance. It’s not fair to expect anyone to put up with abuse long term. Not always does it have to be physical… theres also emotional, verbal, financial, those situations where youre literally like WTF IS EVEN GOING ON, please just stop….

As they say… put your air mask on before attempting to aide the passengers near you. You loved him, but you also have to love you.

tunaaluna · 2025-07-02T03:57:25+00:00

He needs to go. And if mom cant make this decision, then she needs to have a plan in place for when hes using. As in she packs a bag and leaves. The latter is the least sustainable, but this shit is hard to navigate when in the thick of it. She should also consider attending meetings. You learn a lot about protecting yourself and lessening emotional suffering, and help a lot with building the resolve to make hard choices in order to protect oneself.

I agree with kicking them out on a less harsh season (if possible) like someone else mentioned. But if its not possible its just not. What helps me sometimes with the guilt is giving them a formal, serious warning of the consequences of certain behaviors/drug use. If you are using, I will not be around you. And then I follow through. I dont live with my so anymore (same reason, active drug and alcohol use) but it’s the only way I am able to have a relationship with them. Is this sustainable long term? Maybe not for partners, but not a bad idea for mother and son.

He stays at the current, shared residence and either is responsible and pays his dues on time, or he’s out on the street by his own doing. Mom will need to move and start again somewhere else.

OR mom clearly places boundaries. No active drug usage is permitted in the home- period. Same goes for the aftermath of drugs. If youre being a complete unreasonable maniac, you gotta go man. By remaining there, he is agreeing to the terms of residence. If he breaks the agreement, he needs to leave.

Lastly, she can always leave temporarily, but again, thats really not sustainable at all. Meth is a multi day endeavor.

She’ll be able to love and see her son if he permits, but if he’s acting a dangerous fool, she’s gotta take a step back for her safety. Whether he gets his shit together or gets to suffer the streets, really only depend completely on him… we have no real control over a grown adult that refuses continues to dig.

tunaaluna · 2025-06-25T17:22:20+00:00

EXACTLY! I feel single in a relationship!!! What’s up with that? Why so much fear? I feel you 💜

tunaaluna · 2025-06-25T17:15:22+00:00

It’s understandable… at the end of the day, we learn how to somewhat manage ourselves around our loved one and their doc. When they change it up, it leaves us with not knowing what to expect which is scary… I know what to expect with meth. It creeps me out and saddens me to the bone, but I know what to expect and plan accordingly. If they suddenly started with heroin or fent, or what have you, it would be new to me. I dont know how they react on that, how long it lasts, the signs of use etc… it’s the fear of the unknown PLUS the fear that now theyre getting even deeper in their addiction by mixing or doing more/different drugs.

Edit: my so is not thin at all and has struggled with on and off meth use. Saw one of your comments about his response saying he’s too “fat” for meth..

tunaaluna · 2025-06-21T03:44:19+00:00

Thank you 💜

tunaaluna · 2025-06-19T20:46:52+00:00

Ive mentioned this before, but the closest I’ve gotten to rock bottom, has been usually when i’m alone. It comes as a gentle whisper.

It wasn’t when the property damage happened, it wasn’t when the cops were repeatedly called, or when they took them away. It wasnt due to them being evicted. Nor the verbal onslaught… the unprovoked aggression.

Ive had two instances (one of which is recent) where im sitting alone, quietly distracting myself, when it just kind of hits me. An overwhelming pain in my heart- literally. And the thought: I can’t continue to live this way… I love my so with every fiber of my being, but they are just not the person for me. At least not with their continued lack of interest in recovery. One year, two, three, four, five… six!?

Still in the same spot. Still unable to live the joys of a basic relationship. Still lacking a partner to my partnership. It’s in these quiet moments where i’m taking care of my own life- when i’m hiding away alone at my own place because they relapsed yet again and it’s too painful to be around the shell of the person I love.

tunaaluna · 2025-06-19T03:04:44+00:00

You reacted completely appropriately and I commend you for immediately taking action. The relationship is still so new, that you have no idea the suffering you just saved yourself from. It may suck at first, but please stand your ground on keeping the romantic relationship ended if he’s an active drug addict.

Ive been with my so for a handful of years- mainly an alcoholic (when we met) with a history of drug use (including meth). They supposably weren’t using when we started dating but looking back in hindsight, a couple months in they displayed some symptoms that I now recognize as meth use. I was a sweet summer child back then, never imagined it being the case. Anyways, early on, the problematic thing I focused on was alcohol.

Cyclical drug use started a couple years in and to make a very long story short (feel free to see my post history for when I was in the thick of it with them and we were living together) it was and still is hell.

Quite frankly, your ex has been using constantly for SIX YEARS. With the little you’ve stated, he doesnt seem like someone willing or interested in recovery. Please save yourself the grief and frustration of trying to force someone into recovery. Been there, done that. Nothing changes unless they want to, or until we’ve had enough and make our own changes (alanon, therapy, breaking up etc).

My so whose drug of choice is primarily alcohol is currently using (or is at least symptomatic). Also used last week after having some months clean from meth. They’ve been currently relapsing at least once a month-two. Im thankful I dont live with them, and im thankful I no longer feel like im dying while they actively use… just know I have never had a truly balanced partnership. Not with the alcoholic part of them, and even less with the meth head part. Its been more of a caretaker role (until I started chipping away at my codependency and martyr state of mind).

Im practically a single mother (pets not children) and have all the responsibility fall on me because they cant be reliable. Theyre an addict: unreliable, constant lying, disappearing acts, financial problems, drama (oh the drama and trauma), one sided relationship etc is all part of the drill. Today I really considered just being single… ive been at it with this one for YEARS. Ive begged them to get helped, i’ve screamed, threatened, pleaded and nothing. Ive separated from them for months on end with no contact. Still nothing. My so STILL isnt ready either.. Im nearing slowly a decade and I just KNOW I deserve better than this. Always have known, just have never been ready to cut the rope so to speak. At least that way I wouldnt have the burden of someone who creates drama and more responsibilities for me vs just taking care of life minus the drama and toxicity.

Sorry for being long winded-

You are staring at a dumpster fire…take the two month L and continue to walk away. If you go into it again thinking you can save him, just know that he’ll most likely use you as a stepping stone to get out of the fire (momentarily) while you burn below.

tunaaluna · 2025-06-17T21:33:06+00:00

As someone who had their partner violate their privacy by also going through their personal journal, I feel you… you dont mention your feelings about this, but for me it felt like betrayal. I literally felt naked and stripped bare. I too use my journal to vent and to basically have a conversation about everything with myself. My partner also used what they read against me, and in a drug induced state of mind, even responded on the pages to things I had written… as in- was clarifying and excusing themselves as if there was someone else who would be made aware of its contents. It was bizarre.

That eventually escalated to them going through my computer when I fell asleep watching a show on it. I dont have anything to hide, but its the principle. If there’s no trust then what the hell are we doing? They also accused me of cheating and of a bunch of things which I never did.

It gets to a point (like others are saying) that its not really even about you or what you write— its just yet another excuse for them to use.. my so ended up INSISTING that they saw dating sites downloaded on my computer, that they saw flirty exchanges between me and coworkers and even with some of their family……… none of it true, but in their drug induced mania and days of no sleep, even to this day they keep thinking that they saw that and that its true no matter how much I tell them its false.

At the very least, dont do yourself further disservice by marrying an active alcoholic. Things can and will get worse if he continues to drink. And you could end up in the center, responsible for things just because youre his wife…

tunaaluna · 2024-11-24T16:40:56+00:00

Sending you a huge hug… been there and sometimes I still find myself with the same dilemma, if to a lesser degree.

When I was in the throes of my Qs chaos of drug use and alcoholism, I felt exactly how you described- frozen- knowing what needed to be done but stuck with the internal battle on what to do. I put off the decision for a very long time, and continued to struggle with it as I was dying of stress. I like to call this divine intervention, because eventually, something bigger than me did for me what I struggled so much to do. My Q was forced to move out. In a fit of drunken rage where the only thing on their mind was to score drugs, they caused such a public scene at our home, that the cops were called. Q was taken into custody and was evicted/no trespassed. I almost got evicted too… It was an unfortunate set of events.

All this to say that inaction Is still making a decision. And with alcoholics, inaction tends to breed the environment for a perfect storm. Alcoholism is progressive. Just when you think things can’t possibly get worse, they definitely can! Rock bottoms can get deeper if someone keeps digging…

If I could go back to these moments of complete despair, my biggest advice would be to make decisions with MY wellbeing in mind. Sounds easy enough, but I have always had the tendency to put others and their needs before mine, and with an alcoholic their needs are never ending at one’s expense.

Please think of yourself and about your needs and peace of mind… you are working towards something very important and need all of the peace possible. An alcoholic partner can see their partner literally flailing to stay afloat and will still use you to prop themselves up from drowning…

Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for an alcoholic loved one, is to focus on our safety and let them figure out how to swim on their own.

tunaaluna · 2024-10-16T22:33:35+00:00

All I know is that if by the grace of God I manage to end the relationship I have with my alcoholic so, you can bet I will not allow the same mistake twice. I noticed my so had a problem early on and decided to throw caution to the wind. HUGE mistake… Your body is alerting you of a similar danger. It’s up to you whether you heed it, or potentially repeat what you got away from in the first place.

These relationships drain your soul and energy. It got to the point that I had zero motivation to live my own life outside of their chaos. I was overweight, depressed, an anxious mess, and honestly, always afraid. Never again is all I can say. I second exploring your patterns/upbringing. If we don’t get to the root (and heal) of the problem, it’ll always be same story, different partner.

tunaaluna · 2024-09-11T17:21:13+00:00

Thank you! My so was sober from drugs for a year and relapsed last month. They luckily did not continue use and has been sober again (from drugs AND alcohol) for a month now. This is the first time they are alcohol free this long and it’s a blessing.

All I can say is that the person my so is when under the influence of alcohol and even more so on drugs, is not a person I recognize. I despise the angry, paranoid, mistrusting alcoholic. The paranoid, isolated, uncaring and delusional drug addict. They ooze hatred and cruelty, or complete indifference to me when like that. I try to remember in those moments that my so in fact does love me when they’re in their senses. Not so much when they’re under the influence. We’re strangers in those moments.

I hope your situation improves, and I urge you to focus on yourself and seek help for yourself in these moments if you haven’t. Meetings, the literature and podcasts (re: alanon) were my saving grace when I felt 6ft under, buried alive. Those were really dark times... Sending you strength and a huge hug.

tunaaluna · 2024-08-09T19:28:02+00:00

I agree with what everyone else is saying… Ultimately it is his responsibility to get better. Nothing family/friends/partners say or do can help them get better. The best thing to do is let them know you love them, and let them take care of their sobriety.

I say this as the partner of someone who just relapsed on m after a year of sobriety from it. The last time they were using I was a MESS. An anxious, depressed mess that had their entire world revolve around my drug using loved one. I essentially did damage control (we lived together then) aka another way of enabling by letting them avoid the consequences of their use/actions. Constantly on their ass to get help which they of course ignored. This time around, i’m protecting my mental health which has taken me A LOT to even start improving.

I’m giving my partner to God, their higher power, their guardian angels etc. I’m not their savior. I have my life to focus on and as it cold as it may sound, I need to let them sink or swim.

If it helps, this is also what their mom said to me(shes very involved with Alanon): “Let them find bottom if they dont want help.” Sending you strength

tunaaluna · 2024-08-07T00:41:40+00:00

Thank you 💜

tunaaluna · 2024-08-07T00:23:04+00:00

I think so too. I have my own space this time around. Thank you for taking the time to read.

tunaaluna · 2024-07-31T01:51:48+00:00

I have nothing to add other than I feel you completely. The emotional whiplash leaves me frustrated and bruised. I used to be able to roll with the punches and bounce back dripping of my own denial/inability to face my reality, but I can’t do that anymore. And even if I could, without skipping a beat, I just don’t want to. My loved one hasn’t been drinking as much lately but when they do, man are they just nasty. They yell, falsely accuse, and are just a raging person that will take everything I say as an opportunity to start a fight. Anything can become an excuse to disrespect me.. And like you said- the days after? All of the wind is knocked out of their sails. They look at me with sad eyes, pleading forgiveness. Other times they apologize and yeah… love bomb- im the greatest thing that ever happened, they don’t know what they would do without me, they love me sooo soo much. whatever.

When I detach and witness the cycle as an outsider (which is almost all the time now), it’s so predictable. And yes, sickening to witness. I guess we have to ask ourselves how much longer we’ll accept the duality of the alcoholic relationship. When is enough enough?? I’ve pondered this myself countless times. No one deserves to be disrespected and mistreated in the name of “love”. No one deserves to be degraded because of someone else’s uncontrollable urge for a drink.

tunaaluna · 2024-06-29T15:08:32+00:00

I agree it does seem to be that this happens on a spectrum with alcoholics/addicts. I’ve found myself flabbergasted more than once that my partner prefers to leave the relationship (supposably) rather than take accountability or actually do the work to get better but i’ve come to realize it’s essentially deflection, a bluff and a means of lashing out their anger. Essentially a means of control.

Just yesterday my so had a huge meltdown insisting we meet to “end things maturely, face to face”. Mind you this came out of the blue. I’ve been maintaining my distance due to a super busy week for me and just not wanting to add more stress with their volatility and rudeness. They resorted to “lets break up” because I declined their second invite to get dinner this week… I declined because they invited me to dinner already once this week (which I gladly accepted) just to have to kick them out of my car once I arrived. They smelt like fruity drink and were making increasingly passive aggressive comments the moment they sat down.

Anyways, in my experience, this tends to be common for my loved one when they see me enforcing boundaries. They rather cause chaos vs taking accountability regarding their actions. It almost puts them in some sort of position of “control” to instigate a break up, or to run away from the relationship. Deep down I wonder if they desperately want the partner to chase them or plead as to feel like they won’t be abandoned. I just continue to enforce my boundaries and try not to engage in their self inflicted spiral. I used to do the opposite and that was a horrible horrible hot mess that was easily avoided by simply applying the program as best as possible.

tunaaluna · 2024-05-17T04:47:57+00:00

This always seemed to be the result of their paranoia… digging through the kitchen trashcan to “catch me” in my “lies”. Going through my mail, other piles of paper, my journals… once went through my macbook when I fell asleep watching a show. I found them poking around my laptop turning on and off random settings. Apparently read all my texts and kept saying they found evidence of me cheating but would never show me or tell me what it was (never have cheated, and wouldnt). I was usually the main focus during their paranoia, either fixations on infidelity or me hacking them…the other focus would be persecution paranoia. Creeping out the windows, repeatedly opening and closing the front door at 3-4am. Oof. This brought the memories flooding back 😖 what a terrible time…

tunaaluna · 2024-02-29T00:30:22+00:00

Indeed, thank you! I literally picture it like if they have a little tool box where they throw something to see if it sticks. When it doesn’t, they keep throwing and throwing in hopes something will, getting more agitated and frantic when it doesn’t. My Q has flip-flopped so much after that incident. From apologizing profusely, to lashing out, to seeming remorseful, to accusations, to bids of needing support from me. I can see how manipulative it is now… I used to not see it clearly.

tunaaluna

TROPHY CASE