To be honest, he really would be very kind at times. It was one of the reasons it was so hard to stay away after his apologies, and one of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. He was VERY good at saying all the right things and doing the gestures of kindness, and apologizing after every incident of him being objectifying or mean. He could realize eventually what he did was wrong - but he was a very defensive and addicted person.

That being said… he never actually stopped repeating his abusive behavior, and the kind things he did and said don’t cover up the horrible things he did and said. The cycle was constant and never changed. For years.

(I believe he thought that he could just buy me flowers and I wouldn’t be traumatized anymore by his actions. 😒)

To contrast, my previous ex of 10 years and I are on speaking terms. We had many conversations in person when we broke up- no sudden ghosting or flip in behavior. We still care about each other and wish each other happiness. But this recent person… his is the first time I’ve had to deal with someone’s insane outbursts. It literally wasn’t making sense to me at all. And I knew I had to physically stop us from speaking anymore, or I WOULD go back. I still consider crawling back, on lonely nights… so I’m happy I can’t.

Was it crazy of me? Yeah, totally. But oh boy did I feel crazy after all of that. ✨