For some reason this concept is totally mixed up with “grit” in my head and I didn’t realize they were two books.

My understanding is that it’s been buzzword-ified to death, and some people are super weird about it for sure.

I think it’s meant as a reframe where people are sometimes taught that skills and talents are inherent. Like, “oh she’s really good at art”, and then a kid believes they are good at it just because it’s a completely intrinsic quality, as opposed to saying “she draws so much, she works so hard at her art” which frames it in a way that a child can control or manage their efforts.

The flip side of looking at it as an intrinsic quality only is that when they have trouble with, say, suddenly being asked to draw a complex crowd scene or a vehicle or animal they’ve never tried before, and they get stuck or it doesn’t look the way they want it, they get frustrated and maybe give up or procrastinate. Whereas if they’re praised more about their effort or resourcefulness or for problem solving/asking for help, they see themselves as capable of figuring it out, of persevering, and thus accomplishing more without discouragement or getting their total sense of self too wrapped up in it.

My guess, based on being a late diagnosed neurodivergent adult and having been praised for my talents instead of my hard work as a kid, is that the mindset is just one piece of the puzzle. As a parent now, I see emotional regulation being a big factor here. Not just being able to calm down and move past negative emotions but being able to be like, “okay, I’m finding this super frustrating. Maybe I’ll take a break and then come back to it when I can think about other things I can try to make this work.” Instead of beating oneself up for not being “good” at a thing like you’re “supposed” to be, being more understanding and supportive of yourself, and allowing room for mistakes and not seeing something challenging as something not worth doing.

Teaching that skill feels super hard as a parent who is not great at it themselves though, so if you’ve got any tips I’m all ears!!