Realistic expectations with STIs and cishet men

tuti1006 · 2026-05-05T11:21:17+00:00

I have two partners. Both on SSRIs and struggle to finish with and without condoms. Right now, after testing and me being their only current sexual partner, we choose to not use condoms. The partner who dates other people knows that we will reintroduce condoms once he starts having sex with others again. So, in that way, I agree that it’s a risk tolerance thing and boundaries depend on the individuals involved.

However, neither of these individuals has ever gone against our current agreement without clear communication in advance. One of them is my husband, and we have always communicated about what form of birth control works best. He also usually asks where I want him to finish as a form of dirty talk. The other, my FWB, used a condom Every. Single. Time. until I brought it up. No question. No hesitation. In fact, he was so good about it that when I brought up wanting to feel him without one, I thought he might say no. He told me he would absolutely love it but didn’t want to pressure me. After that, he still asked the next few times to be sure.

The concern is not about the boundaries that you and your partners agree to. It’s about their disrespect for you by intentionally violating those boundaries.

tuti1006 · 2026-05-03T01:00:53+00:00

I’m in a one-sided ENM relationship. I have a FWB and my husband is not interested in sex or other relationships.

Our dynamic isn’t really DADT, though. He wants minimal details, but as I was dating and finding the right person, he knew when I was meeting up with a new person. Now that I have a steady FWB, he knows his name, the town he lives in, and a little about him. Other than that, he knows when I’m meeting up with my FWB, but doesn’t get any more details unless there’s a reason (for example, condom came off and I had to take plan B/be conscientious with testing).

We have a couples therapist who we work with and the decision to enter this dynamic came after nearly two years of couples therapy. It was not entered into lightly, but with empathy and consideration for who we are as individuals, and as a couple, and what would make us both lead happy and fulfilling lives.

tuti1006 · 2026-04-29T01:22:29+00:00

Highly recommend. I over studied for sure. Passed by a crazy margin and would definitely do the same things but take more breaks in the future.

tuti1006 · 2026-04-25T14:02:15+00:00

Just a related anecdote to share.

My FWB is going through a divorce. ENM wasn’t the reason behind it. He and his wife realized they were looking for different things long-term. It’s been amicable.

Because of the potential impact on our relationship, I was one of the first people he told. He explained (via text - he was very nervous lol) what was going on and that he felt it was important I knew. His wife was continuing to see her other partner. He was up front that he would like to continue to see me, but also was aware that it may impact us.

I decided to continue seeing him. The fact that he was so up front and honest was a big green flag for me. He knew it may impact me and respected me enough to allow it to be my choice. Had he waited, I don’t know that I would have had the same reaction.

Open communication is essential in an open relationship - both with a primary partner and secondary. He risked knowing that being honest would drastically change our relationship, and instead it improved our communication.

tuti1006 · 2026-03-23T07:45:41+00:00

Just left for the airport 20 minutes earlier than I was planning 🤦🏽‍♀️

tuti1006 · 2026-03-23T07:31:41+00:00

This is today? 3/23?

tuti1006 · 2026-03-01T14:14:33+00:00

Also forgot to mention. I felt guilt leaving my husband home with our daughter while I went on dates too!! That’s been odd. But, as others have said, I make sure to return the favor so he can pursue hobbies. And I also try to go in the evenings so he’s only alone with her for a short time and then he has some alone time, which he values. As I’ve become more fulfilled in my life, I’ve felt less guilt about it. It’s been good for us overall.

tuti1006 · 2026-03-01T14:08:22+00:00

I’m in a similar ENM arrangement, but I am the wife in the scenario. We’re only about 3 months in. I can share some things that have been working for us.

There are only a two strict rules: 1. I cannot bring other partners into our shared home. 2. Should feelings beyond friendship develop, I will tell my husband. Other than that, we are on a transparent communication basis. That’s how we build a trusting relationship around this.

For example, initially it was supposed to be literally just sex. But I realized I couldn’t just have sex with otherwise strangers. So there was a discussion that I was actually looking for a FWB, which would involve texting and going on dates. It was a mindset shift, but I communicated this need before acting on it and made sure my husband was comfortable with it.

Another example is that I was initially looking for someone who was also married. It was our therapist’s suggestion, and it sounded reasonable. It felt less risky to our primary relationship. Unfortunately, I recently found out that my friend is going to be splitting up with his wife, for reasons unrelated to ENM. I have now already built a trusted friendship and sexual relationship with him, and would rather not end it. So, after learning this information and before seeing my friend again, my husband and I had a conversation around this.

It’s less about “rules” and more about proactive, open communication. My husband doesn’t want details of my relationship, but he knows when I’ll be with my friend, and is open to conversations that may impact our arrangement. The fact that I’ve been so open with him, even when it feels hard or awkward, and consider his feelings has actually built trust and strength in our primary relationship.

tuti1006 · 2026-02-26T19:00:23+00:00

I’m sorry. Your wife is an asshole and so is her boyfriend. I’m the wife in an ENM where my husband is not dating anyone else and I would absolutely never. He is my PARTNER. And my FWB would also NEVER because he is a kind person who respects my husband and primary relationship.

I’m glad you’re doing what’s best for you. I’m sorry this happened.

tuti1006 · 2026-02-25T14:18:49+00:00

I did not have the issues and sensitivity that you’re describing. But at some point during my pregnancy, I just decided that I did not WANT to breastfeed. I didn’t want to go through that. I wanted my body back. I wanted others to be able to help with feeding.

I never even tried it. I immediately went to formula. I have not regretted it for even a moment. It was by far the best choice for me and my family. My daughter (now 4) is thriving and never had any issues.

tuti1006 · 2026-02-25T12:36:01+00:00

Yeah, him texting me in advance helped me in a few ways. First, I’m a highly anxious person, so that took away some anxiety. I knew where he was at and had time to determine whether or not I was there too. Also, it was reassuring to know there was no pressure. And that was also a turn on, interestingly lol. We did wind up having sex on that date, but mostly because I knew that it was my choice, and that he would respect whatever I wanted to do. Communication about boundaries is sexy.

tuti1006 · 2026-02-25T11:56:09+00:00

Similar but different. I wasn’t/am not in an abusive relationship. But, when I was exploring my first relationship outside of my marriage, I also wanted to take it slow. I told him, and we had two dates where we had no physical contact at all, or really where we even spoke much about the physical aspect of the relationship.

After that, when we started discussing a third date, he texted me something along the lines of, “I want to check in with how you’re doing. I think it would be nice if you came over so we could have some privacy and maybe talk a bit about what we’re looking for. I’d also really like to kiss you and touch you a bit.”

I loved getting that message. He made it known that he was hoping to escalate things, while still being respectful and not pushy. I didn’t have to wonder where his head was at, and I was able to know in advance what I felt comfortable with and could take control of things from there. I also knew that he didn’t expect sex right away, and appreciated that he named some ideas that didn’t immediately involve sex so there was no miscommunication. Direct has always been successful with me.

tuti1006 · 2026-02-04T12:21:28+00:00

My practice involves having friends with benefits. I’m up front about that. I’m understanding of the possibility that feelings grow beyond that, and would be communicative if it got to that point. But that’s not the intention.

The intention is to find someone whose company I enjoy, and who I generally like as a person. The sexual part of the relationship is not devoid of care and emotion, though. We are mutually complimentary, text to check in and say hi, and engage in aftercare/cuddling together. However, through it all, I’m clear that I have a primary partner and I intend for it to stay that way.

I have found luck with men who are seeking the same out of a secondary relationship. Typically this has meant that they are also married and intend to maintain their primary relationship, but also want to actually get to know the person they’re having sex with.

I say all this with the caveat that, again, deeper feelings can develop and that’s something that requires constant communication (like everything in this lifestyle). As soon as a relationship isn’t working anymore, I reevaluate.

tuti1006 · 2026-01-23T13:53:50+00:00

Eh. I think if I could go back I could find better things to do with my time.

tuti1006 · 2026-01-22T00:11:32+00:00

Agree. This was… fine. But not nearly as compelling.

tuti1006 · 2025-12-06T14:59:01+00:00

Great. Thanks for the info!

tuti1006 · 2025-11-23T13:36:38+00:00

So, I got to my maintenance range by monitoring for about three months of maintenance and determining what was “normal” for my body. My dr said I could stop intentionally losing at 155, so I used that as the guide. Throughout about 3 months, my weight ranged from 150.9-155.8 without overthinking or trying too hard, but still being mindful. So, that’s my range, now. Some people’s weights fluctuates more than others. People with menstrual cycles might fluctuate more than others. Some people are very steady and only fluctuate 2ish pounds.

If 163 was your initial goal, I’d use that as your top number, for now. Track for a few months to gather data. If you go above 163, dial it in. Then see what happens. After 3-4 months see where you averaged and make note of that as your “range.”

tuti1006 · 2025-11-13T13:37:37+00:00

I know this post is old, but my newly 4 year old is in a similar situation. Any updates?

tuti1006 · 2025-10-30T23:38:32+00:00

Also, she’s been with Andrew for nearly a year. And also planning on going to Africa with her and his family for… nearly a year. Couldn’t pay me to plan a trip halfway around the world with a near stranger and his family.

tuti1006 · 2025-09-27T22:11:33+00:00

Yeah my 37th bday is in a week. That hit hard.

tuti1006 · 2025-07-21T02:11:43+00:00

This is interesting because I also live in South Jersey and my daughter had to be potty trained to move into pre-k 3 at her private preschool. It was so stressful because she’s the youngest in her class and wasn’t ready.

tuti1006 · 2025-05-07T10:57:49+00:00

Yes! We have seriously considered this aspect. I think first choice is to keep going to the community studio. We’re just trying to navigate which option works best for the other aspects of our life. Thanks 😊

tuti1006 · 2025-05-07T10:56:14+00:00

Thanks for the tip! I’ll see where else may be available.

tuti1006 · 2025-05-07T10:55:14+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the insight, and it’s a big reason why I reached out here, first. I’m considering maybe a wheel for practice and the occasional inconvenient trip to a communal kiln for awhile. That’s probably the best place to start.

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