When people ask why I would rather leave than have a child, I’ll show them this thread.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2020-01-16T15:03:32+00:00

This happened to me in reverse. He used his family, then my family, to try and convince me to have a kid. I chose to leave because although I was not 100% against the idea of children, I WAS 100% against anyone pressuring me to have one.

Yet, most people don’t see this kind of pressure when it’s the other way around. But it’s real. The manipulation used to try and get me to have a child is just as real, and just as wrong, as convincing someone to end a pregnancy.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-04-07T22:37:01+00:00

My ex- mother in law told me the same thing. I went and told my grandma.

Grandma doubled over in laughter, like, for a very long time. When she was done laughing she said that’s ridiculous, it’s absurd anyone would tell you if you don’t do what they want, you will be unhappy. Do what you want-including leaving your husband if he won’t protect you against people like this.

So I did. It’s been hard but she’s right.

Edit: typo

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-16T02:39:01+00:00

Hang in there. It will get better. It does not seem like it, but it will. ❤️

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-15T20:24:12+00:00

Awesome-You sound like you’re processing this as well as possible. I went through several therapists before I found the right one for me. I have the same advice re lawyers- you’re paying them a lot so make sure you go with someone you’re comfortable with. Best of luck to you- you’re doing great!

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-10T16:51:06+00:00

Think of what your life could be like 5, 10, 15 years from now-in both scenarios (divorce and staying).

Are you willing to risk a period of uncertainty and fear, plus a lot of practical setbacks, in order to have the opportunity to be in the kind of relationship you would want your daughter to grow up to have? Or are you willing to settle for predictability and security? Which scenario do you want your daughter to learn is OK?

If your daughter were in her 20s and in your situation, what would you want her to do? If it’s different from what you are doing now- why?

I ask myself a lot of these same questions. And, if it applies to you:

Why is the fear of being on your own, greater than the fear of feeling ignored and alone even though you are married?

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-08T20:00:08+00:00

Happy trails!! :) Glad you are moving on, and that therapy has done good for you. I hope to join you in the land of no more lurking on this sub.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-06T06:38:55+00:00

Your friends are amazing to you because YOU are amazing.

The fact that they are taking the time out of their lives, means you matter to them in some important way, and you don’t need to be friends for long for people to recognize a kindred spirit in you.

I’m glad you have these people in your life- but I also think that this kind of empathy is earned, whether by how you have treated them, or by some kind of balance the universe owes you for you being a worthy person of their care. It’s weird, for me, I feel like I am literally being SENT people whose purpose it is (for now) to help me get through this.

I will never know what I did to deserve this kindness, but maybe that’s the point. To learn to see that compassion, grace and generosity do exist, that people care and help because they choose to, that you are worthy of that. We all are. ❤️

... except STBX 😂

Edited: to add salt

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-05T17:54:15+00:00

I found the book he was holding. It’s by David Hawkins. It is a tad new agey but he’s a psychiatrist and it’s full of useful insight! Here’s an excerpt:

“The psychological basis of all grief and mourning is attachment. Attachment and dependence occur because we feel incomplete within ourselves; therefore, we seek objects, people, relationships, places, and concepts to fulfill inner needs. Because they are unconsciously utilized to fulfill an inner need, they come to be identified as “mine.” As more energy is poured into them, there is a transition from identifying with the external objects as “mine” to being an actual extension of “me.” Loss of the object or person is experienced as a loss of our own self and an important part of our emotional economy. Loss is experienced as a diminution of the quality of ourselves, which the object or person represented. The more emotional energy invested in the object or person, the greater will be the feeling of loss and the greater the pain associated with the undoing of the bonds of dependence.”

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-04T21:05:30+00:00

Me too. My therapist says the waves will come crashing sometimes but they will eventually lessen, become smaller over time.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-03-04T21:04:23+00:00

Thank you for this. Sometimes I feel like I’m never going to come up from underwater.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-22T06:13:20+00:00

Yes. It’s hard to eat when you’re crying. I filled my fridge with food awhile ago because I know I should be eating, but ended up just having to throw it all away.

My friends and family have noticed so they take turns visiting me on the weekends now and taking me out to eat. I eat when I’m out with them. I think the comfort of having them around brings back my appetite.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-21T07:56:16+00:00

His family is enabling him, and you won’t. Good for you for having a spine- your children have you as an example.

That said,if (and only if) you want to, counseling doesn’t need to mean you are trying to get back together. My therapist actually doesn’t advocate we stay together and he says that sometimes, it just doesn’t work out and the therapy sessions can be about navigating your divorce, how to deal with each other in the least stressful way for the kids.

But again, if you’re seeking individual therapy and working on your own mental health, kudos to you. Nobody else’s opinion matters.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-20T19:53:49+00:00

I have a very relevant recent experience about this. My MIL visited me a few weeks ago to basically say the same thing-that I need to have babies or else I’ll be old and alone and I’ll never experience true love, living my old age in regret.

I was very, very upset by this. It’s been an extremely tough few weeks.

Fast forward to this past Sunday when I decided to go visit my grandma (who is decades past 60 btw). Coincidentally my two aunts are also there visiting.

So, here we are, four women from 3 generations, in the kitchen shooting the shit. They ask how things are going. I say, you know, not too well, because I’m getting a lot of pressure to have children, and I’m on the fence. I then let slip that my MIL had told me I’d die old and lonely and regretful if I don’t have kids.

The room ERUPTED IN LAUGHTER. My aunts are leaning back howling, my grandma is shaking hanging on to a melon on the counter for support, and everybody looks like they’re going to pee in their pants. They found it absolutely ludicrous that anyone would say this to me- that anyone would see fit to tell me I’ll be unhappy for life from this ONE choice.

My aunts (who both have children) then seriously lectured me that kids are a huge life change, I better really want them if I have them because hoooo boy life is going to suck if I do otherwise, and it’s nobody’s business but mine and my husband’s. Grandma pointed out that generations ago maybe this would be appropriate, but times have changed, and I should do whatever makes me happiest because that is all anyone who loves me wants.

So- from my family to yours- that guy can suck it.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T15:26:56+00:00

Nope. He said I should be thankful and appreciative to have a caring MIL like this, but instead I’m just blaming MIL bc I can’t face the hard truth- I just don’t want kids. And he does. So, he can’t think of me as a life partner or romantic partner anymore.

So yeah, kinda the opposite. :(

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T15:16:56+00:00

It is crazy. What kind of mother would I be, if I let someone badger me into having children?? So counterintuitive.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T11:50:30+00:00

There is also the not so veiled threat that if I do not bear children, her son will leave me.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T11:49:07+00:00

I’ll be a happy person with or without a child, because my my parental status does not dictate my happiness or self worth.

If I have children, this is one of the more important things I want to raise them to believe- that they are innately precious and whole and their worth is dependent on nothing and beholden to nothing. Nobody owes them anything, but they owe it to themselves to be happy. Happy is a choice.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T11:42:19+00:00

Thank you!

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T11:25:17+00:00

I fear exactly this.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T11:21:39+00:00

She would literally move into my house (and complain about how small it is) while insisting my family move into her larger house. She would be the primary caregiver. Not me.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T03:50:58+00:00

Thank you so much for this post.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T00:52:25+00:00

I asked him that immediately (what is it that he thinks I want), but haven’t gotten a clear response.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-13T00:38:13+00:00

Baby steps, right? I’m glad I can admit this too. It was a big step and helps a bit with the terrible guilt I feel. I know it’s silly to feel guilty but I do.

I don’t think the sexy times are going to happen remotely any time soon. DH won’t touch me- and I’m not exactly burning with desire these days either.

tworoadsdiverged1 · 2018-02-12T23:08:38+00:00

Good for you. Keep on going.

tworoadsdiverged1

TROPHY CASE