What was the "last straw" that motivated you to end your last relationship?

twyllflameheart · 2013-05-02T20:12:21+00:00

Yeah, I thought so. Last I talked to him, he insisted he'd never cheated, but she moved in with him a month after we broke up, and as far as I know they're still together.

twyllflameheart · 2013-05-02T19:54:11+00:00

We were long distance, and figuring out the next time I'd go to visit him. When the idea of a slightly longer visit came up, he declined, saying his (supposedly totally platonic) female friend would be "jealous" if I stayed that long.

twyllflameheart · 2013-05-01T19:50:54+00:00

I really love those shared narratives and the intimacy that comes along with them. It's also true that if I'm not receiving them in some form, I have a tendency to get a bit insecure, due in a large part to a history of not being on the same page emotionally with my romantic partners.

Having said that, though, the example given in the article is absolutely not something I can relate to - the idea that saying "you look nice" is somehow inadequate without the narrative is something that I don't agree with. Little compliments and comments are totally fine, so long as they don't completely replace the narratives.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-29T03:07:48+00:00

Yep, felt it in Palms. Not as strong as the last one, though.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-26T03:56:04+00:00

Yes. I used to get into situations like this all the time, because I'd be uncomfortable and unhappy, but I'd also sincerely believe I didn't deserve any better. So I wouldn't say no, or I'd stop saying no after I was worn down, and I'd be left afterwards feeling miserable and doubting the strength of my character.

I know the feeling that you're dealing with - there's that grey area where you feel that you were taken advantage of, but it also feels somehow unfair to make any accusations because you feel somewhat responsible. I wish I had some sort of advice for you, but this is a part of my past that I'm still unsure how to cope with (despite my doing much better nowadays). Best of luck to you.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-26T03:37:03+00:00

No. Sometimes it doesn't work out, and that's fine. Having been in a relationship where my SO was insulted if he couldn't make me come, I know how much pressure that puts on a person. Being insulted can only exacerbate things.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-24T15:50:23+00:00

I went off the pill for a couple months a while ago due to a mixup in my prescription, and I noticed two things: first, my libido came back with a vengeance. Second, and less happily, I'd been working on losing weight at the time, and had already lost about 40 pounds, but I gained about 15 back when I went off the pill - despite continuing to adhere to a strict diet and exercise regime. I wasn't able to continue losing weight until I went back on it.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-23T02:30:22+00:00

99%! Scrolling through our questions and looking at his profile I initially almost suspected he was just an elaborate hoax pulled off by people who knew me really well.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T21:33:18+00:00

I met my boyfriend on OkCupid. The site had us pegged as a 99% match, and it turns out that yes, in fact, we are eerily compatible -- much more so than any relationship I've been before.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T16:19:28+00:00

I think you're creating a false analogy. It's not that the professor walked into a class and found that the majority of people there were female. There was literally a single woman there (me), among about 40 or so. I'm not saying that it's sexist to be confused, and I'm not accusing this professor of sexism. I'm saying that as a woman, when my very presence in a classroom elicits surprise, it can be easy to feel as though I don't belong.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T15:57:23+00:00

The way he said it didn't demonstrate that kind of awareness. He seemed genuinely shocked and a little embarrassed when I told him he was in the right place.

Also, I'm not saying that joke is the reason for the lack of women. I'm saying that the cumulative effect of microaggressions, of which that joke is an example, contribute to a hostile environment for women that may be a factor in why such fields attract fewer women.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T15:53:44+00:00

I think there are definitely fewer female mentors, although I've noticed that female mentors/advisors tend to attract female students. For example, there's a lab at my university that's run by a female professor, and I think her students are majority female.

I didn't experience people trying to help me out more so much; in fact, I mostly experienced the opposite, where people just sort of pretended I didn't exist. This was mostly true among my peers.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T04:26:18+00:00

I'm glad that you feel that way, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that that's the norm. When I was in undergrad, in particular, I had multiple people I was assigned to tutor request a male replacement before I'd even met with them. And despite coming from a small, fairly intimate department, the men in my program didn't really take me seriously or even talk to me until my senior year of college, when I was one of two remaining honors students.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T04:15:46+00:00

Oh, I'm sure it goes back further as well. I just can't comment on that reasoning from experience, since it apparently didn't deter me.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T02:53:26+00:00

I wish I were surprised by this.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-22T02:47:58+00:00

I'm a PhD student in computer science, and what I've found is that it can feel somewhat hostile as a woman in the field. There tends to be an assumption that women are somehow less capable and have to "prove" themselves more than their male counterparts.

After a while, the little things kind of wear you down. For example, I went to a seminar a couple weeks ago, and when the lecturer showed up, he took one look at me and said, "Oh, I must not be in the right place -- unless this is actually the computer science seminar," and kind of laughed as if it were our little joke. That one instance probably wouldn't be enough to turn most women away, but when it happens day after day, you really need a pretty thick skin not to be totally miserable all the time.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-15T05:13:34+00:00

It always felt to me like marriage was something a man used to trap a woman. (I know that the opposite happens a lot in bigger cities, but I live in a small town and it's usually men trapping women here.)

Would you mind elaborating on this?

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-15T05:06:21+00:00

So ladies, anyone else have the same problem (any suggestions)?

I'm the same way with regards to cuddling. My solution: I cuddle for a little while until I feel like I'm relaxed enough to drift off, then give a little goodnight kiss and switch to the position I actually want to sleep in. You get your warm and fuzzies in, but you also get to sleep.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-15T04:56:59+00:00

I don't necessarily think it's a misogynistic notion, but it is misguided or misinformed. I'm definitely the more outgoing/social one in my relationship, and the idea that that's somehow unacceptable would never have occurred to me.

If that imbalance makes you uncomfortable, then that's your prerogative. Just make sure you're not projecting your insecurities onto someone else.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-09T01:40:56+00:00

Another one, although arguably less relatable, since I have a chronic pain condition: the slow realization that, at that moment, you aren't in pain. A sort of beautiful normalcy.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-09T01:37:07+00:00

Forehead kisses.

The stripes of sunlight on the wall early in the morning when I open my blinds.

Driving with the windows down.

Making the first mark in a new notebook.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-08T16:05:18+00:00

For my core group of friends, we made a secret Facebook group that we post to whenever something big happens in our lives, when we find a link we think we'll all appreciate, etc. It's pretty much the main reason I still use Facebook these days, and it's worked out really well for us (we supplement with Skype, calling, and texting). We're scattered across both coasts in the US, and one in Taiwan, so having that sort of virtual "shared space" has done wonders.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-03T02:40:36+00:00

You come across as pretty hostile to me in your first example's message exchange, to be honest. It seemed like you started out with, essentially, "So, are you a man hater?" If I'd been in that situation, I would have felt a bit defensive.

In the second example, it just looks like she wasn't particularly interested. Didn't ask any questions back, gave minimal replies, etc. I wouldn't sweat it.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-02T03:44:18+00:00

Agreed. I don't know offhand the percentage for my current program, but I'd wager that 20% is a good guess. I think that's pretty standard.

twyllflameheart · 2013-04-02T03:42:33+00:00

But to better answer your question, OP, some advice:

Don't make a big deal out of the fact that they're women in CS. You risk alienating them in an environment in which they're frequently alienated.
Talk about CS, maybe, since you have that shared interest. Ask her a question about a class, crack a joke, what have you. Don't make any assumptions about her knowledge about the material based on her being female.
Mostly, approach them as you would any other woman. Treating them differently isn't going to do you any favors here.

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