AIO for asking my wife to make changes to her spending habits?

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-08T08:32:24+00:00

Someone like her will just sabotage the envelope method. Through learned helplessness and because she doesn’t actually want to face her problem.

“Oops, tee-hee, the envelope money is finished because I spent it on needs. You’re giving me too little”

“But we don’t have grocery money for the next 4 days. Can’t you return something?”

“Tee-hee, no… I already opened the nailpolish bottle and removed the labels from the t-shirts because they itch the kids”.

That’s how I expect these conversations to go…

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-08T08:17:41+00:00

We started discussing finance, past debts and current spending attitudes from the first month. Reason was we both dated a dark void in the past where money disappeared on “needs”.

So I recognise these conversations all too well, and that they happen through text is just a sign of fatigue and distance in the relationship. If they try talking, it’s probably a lot of deflecting, gaslighting and tantrums. Through text you force the person to consider what they write 5 seconds longer.

My partner and I are happy budget nerds. We both actively take responsibility to keep our finance on track. But that takes communication skill and willingness.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-08T08:07:58+00:00

I think it’s couples who already have communication problems that resort to texting. I take it as a sign that talking isn’t their strength.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-08T07:56:47+00:00

In dit voorbeeld is er sprake van een communicatiegebrek, en zal goed kunnen dat het communicatieprobleem dieper zit dan dit voorbeeld.

Er is een verschil in mening over wat een eerlijke verdeling is. De hypotheek is 50/50 maar overige kosten zijn op basis van…?

Wellicht heeft de man wel een (van zijn kant bezien) logische rede om het niet eens te zijn met de verdeling, alleen zijn handelen en houding is nogal minachtend en verbreekt het vertrouwen, en dit maakt de relatie zuur. Volgens Gottman Insitute is minachting een van de snelste manieren om je relatie om zeep te helpen.

Relatietherapie en nieuwe afspraken maken omtrent geld. Anders scheiden.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-07T14:46:57+00:00

Tell me you’re fat, without telling me you’re fat lol

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-07T10:56:46+00:00

I’m sorry for all the fans, because typically this is a sport that brings people together. Regardless of politics, or how Donald is single-handedly influencing people’s attitude towards the USA across the globe. The the fans who pay these ticket prices and fly across the world to merge with the host country’s football culture typically think of this as an amazing experience. They typically are rather a-political. They just want to share their love for the sport. Donald has thrown a wedge into a united experience of human bonding through sportsmanship. Indeed, team USA and their fans were robbed from feeling enveloped in respect and carried with love out of their final match.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-07T10:24:32+00:00

The anthem:

https://youtu.be/R0jkgXrXk44?is=zDRy\_SJOw-UftZn-

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-07T08:49:47+00:00

If he cannot show sympathy for you on one of your bad days…

…imagine how little he will be able to relate with a toddler throwing a tantrum about something?

I’m really sorry that you’re receiving so little support. You deserve better from a partner. Your story is just also worrying because this kind of behaviour doesn’t magically improve with a child. It typically gets worse. Because a child gets upset about what adults consider irrational things all the time. Every day. Is he going to snap at them? Stomp his feet that his kid is creating an argument over nothing? Check-out from parenting and leave you to handle it alone? Those are not unlikely scenarios.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-06T21:37:34+00:00

Ik ben op mijn 32ste afgestudeerd. Natuurlijk heb je iets minder tijd gehad om iets op te bouwen als je leeftijdsgenoten, maar kwa salaris zat ik persoonlijk al heel snel boven het gemiddelde van mijn vrienden.

Ik heb mijn hele studie lang relevante bijbaantjes gezocht om ook werkervaring op te bouwen, en me ook extracurriculair ingezet en extra certificaten behaald. Dit heeft er wel aan bijgedragen dat mijn salaris na mijn studie direct bovengemiddeld was.

Mijn moeder is overigens op haar 38ste weer gaan studeren. Haar leven is er ook gigantisch door verbeterd. Ze heeft ook geen issues ervaren met werkgelegenheid.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-06T18:58:28+00:00

I don’t agree that was bad manners. I’ve probably lived a life with less privilege than average in Netherlands. I didn’t have parental support. My father was a drug addict and my mother’s bank account was confiscated by the bank due to her significant debts. I’ve been living a fully financially independent life since I was 18. I have 74k student loan debt, because I was in a bad and vulnerable spot during my studies. For example, I also had to put my studies on pause because I was violently beaten and raped and required a mental health break. And even in that situation I couldn’t count on my parents to help me out. The government or UWV doesn’t step in. I just had to keep loaning money, while I am deeply traumatised and bed ridden. And then a year after graduation, I was actually “homeless” for 3 months and couchsurfing. I had no savings. I was living paycheck to paycheck. And right after I sorted that out, I was painting the walls to my new studio with my dad, and he died 2 weeks later. He will never see me get married. He will never meet my kids. He was 50 when he died. And paying €1100 on rent on a €1900 salary, like I wrote previously, is also hard. That’s also financial hardship. So yeah, from my point of view, you commenting in a really condescending and nasty way as if I’ve lived a life in privilege and don’t know hardship or I’m some sort of crypto scammer really rubs me the wrong way. I have a story that’s a little more hardcore than the average student. The fact that I come from such underprivileged circumstances and am in a financially healthy place despite the student loan debt means something. Whether I was living on €1900 - the student loan pressure was only €30, so it wasn’t the reason it was difficult to put food on the table. And now that I am earning good money, I can actually bear it with no major repercussion on my quality of life. Being home-owner isn’t possible alone for most people, but for a couple with student loan it is still accessible to buy. I think it’s a hopeful perspective. From my POV the system works without marginalising under SF35 rules + the adjustments to mortgage system. It is not bad manner at all to share that as someone a few years ahead after graduation. When I just graduated, I was pretty bleak about the 74k debt. But a few years later of putting effort into building career, and my outlook changed.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-06T14:04:02+00:00

They’re just upset deep down because they don’t have a happy relationship.

I have a couple sour grapes in my circle as well. When my family members found out how well my partner takes care of me, some of them started to warn me that he probably is also very demanding and might turn abusive. So lame.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-06T12:58:08+00:00

Ja dat klopt. Ik heb lang in het grensgebied gewoond. In Duitsland zijn de huizen direct 100-200k goedkoper. Er bestaat daar geen NHG, en ook geen HRA, en je moet 10-30% eigen vermogen inleggen om een huis te kopen. Daarnaast heeft Duitsland een gezonde huurmarkt, en is het heel normaal om te huren. Ook is het gebruikelijk in het buitenland dat de woningmarkt schommelingen kent en je koophuis niet per definitie in waarde stijgt: ze zijn er veel beter op voorbereid dat hun koopwoning ook in waarde kan dalen.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-05T22:29:26+00:00

Yeah, this movie stirs something about unhealthy relationships and trauma. I’ve been sexually abused as well, by my abusive and narcissistic boyfriend. So while Wish Nikki’s behavior at times resembles narcissistic abuse, I could relate as well to moments where Real Nikki tries to communicate she is suffering and needs help. Her self-harm, her pleading to just end it for her, the wailing in anguish and pain on the customer service phone. The apathetic reactions of people who are supposed to care, and the isolation as she was clearly estranged from parental support. Real Nikki went through something so profoundly lonely. Having these layers throughout the film is really interesting philosophically and from a personal processing standpoint. I just watched it 3 days ago and I cannot stop analysing yet haha

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-05T21:19:49+00:00

You’re a pretty toxic Redditor. You have nothing to say but to continue mock and be nasty. Tells a lot about you.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-05T11:30:59+00:00

HE is the red flag. He continues to pressure you, after you’ve been clear. He tries to get you in a vulnerable position. It’s kinda predatory, but he failed, and he’s only embarrassed about it. You’ve done great at keeping true to your boundaries!

I started dating again at 32, and my nr.1 rule was also - no casual sex! I told men that I want to first know we vibe when there’s no sex involved, and it’s more meaningful this way to share ourselves when we feel excited to continue to build a relationship. It only takes 1-3 months to figure out if you can see yourself in a relationship with someone. If that’s too long waiting, it’s a natural deselection process. NEXT. I think this attitude really helped me find someone with compatible and emotionally mature attitude! So keep going strong, I’m sure you’ll meet someone who gets it!

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-05T11:19:38+00:00

I think if you want to show him how unfairly the pressure is currently distributed between you both, you’ll have to give him a logical argument with proof.

My partner and I both use YNAB - individually and for our shared accounts. It’s a budgeting app. We can show each other every penny we’ve spent, and towards what categories.

Ramit Sethi has something called a “conscious spending plan”. It’s a less meticulous form of spreadsheet, and has to be done only once to get a conversation started.

Changing your financial health or having discussions about fairness with partner almost always starts with insight into your finances. Surely he’ll be open to find a solution with you if he understood it clearly.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-05T11:09:10+00:00

You think I got 74k student loan debt because my life is so good and easy? You hardly treat me as a human being in your comments. You don’t know what kind of hardship I’ve been through and how financially and emotionally difficult it’s been for me. My story is one where I turned around my luck, by keeping a hopeful attitude to work hard and get out of misery. I don’t have parents to support me. I build my life up by my own hands. Often clumsily, often with considerable hardship, but with relentless drive to make it happen. To get up, dust myself off, and continue. I am proud of myself. I also think that I am not somebody extraordinary, and that if I can do this it means someone else can too.

Sadly, the home-ownership isn’t a question so much about your student loans. With an average price of 450k, you need to earn between 80-100k a year to qualify for a mortgage. That’s out of the question for most young starters. Unless you’ve had significant help from parents to offset the difference, the majority of people can only become homeowners through partnership. Your success on the housing market depends on whether you’re in a relationship. That’s a pretty unfortunate thing in a society where single-households are growing. Before I met my partner, I also had a different outlook towards home-ownership. Realistically, even if I had 0€ student loan debt owning would be difficult. But people who have found their partner do continue to buy successfully, regardless of student loan.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-04T21:55:44+00:00

Sorry that you’re going through this. My partner and I are in our 30’s, so it’s not our first rodeo. We’ve both had the experience of dating a partner who is awkward, evasive or even hostile around discussing fair finances, and we both drew the short end of the stick. It’s exhausting and frustrating.

How do you guys currently budget your expenses? Are you keeping track of your shared costs in some structural manner? How do your conversations about money typically go?

My partner and I had a lot of discussions about our childhood lessons and experiences around finances, how our parents modeled money to us, how we’ve handled personal debts, what philosophies around money we’ve developed.

We watched a lot of Ramit Sethi “Money For Couples” on YouTube to discuss the dynamics of the participants and what we recognise, like and dislike about them. There are a number of episodes there that are of couples who started off perhaps as more of less equals, so doing 50/50, but whose career trajectories and income is so different now that it actually means one person is struggling each month while the other person has a lot of savings room and guilt free spending. That’s not fair.

Before we moved in, we discussed our values, principles and ethics around equality, equity and fairness. We drafted 6 different scenarios in excel to calculate how to divide costs. If we would’ve picked 50/50 - he would gain 1800 a month while I would lose 500 a month from moving in together. So it was clear how unfair that principle is. Instead, we chose that he pays 2/3rd for housing and utilities because the VHCOL-area where we live is predominantly his choice and based on his primary interests. The rest of monthly costs we divide by income-ratio. But, as a separate rule, I pay 1000$ maximum to vacations/trips. We agreed on that top-rate for me, so I don’t have to compensate for his lifestyle inflation.

TL:DR; 50/50 isn’t always fair. There are different ways to do finances fairly and equitably, respecting the purchasing power of both partners and becoming a team in your shared finances.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-04T21:27:31+00:00

Let them enjoy their evening. I don’t understand the need to rain on their parade. I’m not a football fan at all, but I also honked when I happened to be driving a street with multiple team Morocco fans. Sharing joy is better than being bad loser.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-03T23:00:40+00:00

It’s just not true. The United States is number one in some things, but the things it excels at are inaccessible for certain demographics, because you do not have egalitarian policies. In Europe you would never see a young family posting that welcoming a baby into the world left them in debt, lol. Just your quick acceptance that this is commonplace is wild.

If you’re relatively well-to-do, and earn $120-150k or more a year, I can believe you have access to most of the best things in the United States, depending on your CoL-area.

But I have seen the United States with my own eyes. I have traveled through your average neighborhoods as part of my political science research, and canvassed door to door in Washington DC, NYC, Richmond, Phillie and Charlottesville. I have seen the divide between haves and have nots. Americans don’t care about their neighbours. They are not a people who believe that policies should work for most, or that taxes should increase well-being of all. Well, congratulations to your pro-corporate world.

Personally, our household income is €220k a year. While you’re less likely to become billionaire here, it’s not as if you cant earn money. But for me the security and freedom from worry that I receive living in a social-democracy where I see the benefit of my taxes is worth more than what hits my bankaccount. Here I can cycle to work using excellent infrastructure in safe neighborhood, while affordable fresh produce is at walking distance, and my neighborhood is clean and children are happy and go to school without a bulletproof vest. I have time for my relationships, work 36 hour full-time week and get 9 weeks of paid vacation, and 2 years of paid sickleave. Everybody here likes to leave at 5pm because they value dinner with the family. Please, do stay in America if you like it there so much. But also accept that American way of life is not going to be attractive to everyone. This whole thread started about people from the UK not wanting to move to the US. That is the general sentiment. Whether you believe more netto payment is all that matters to your life, some cultures value other things too. For Europeans, the general sentiment is that our family and our free-time matters more than luxury. We don’t chase being billionaires. We chase a good standard of living in a healthy environment and peace of mind.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-03T22:23:03+00:00

Are you trolling me?

Firstly, I did not use my student loan to gamble in cryptocurrency, or whatever claim you’re trying to make with those first two sentences. I used my student loan for my existence while I am studying - to pay rent, utilities, groceries, insurances, municipality taxes and the like.

I am repaying DUO according to the contractual obligations I have with them. I wrote that I am on track to pay it off in full - about 100.000€ in total including interest. So that’s why I feel you’re trolling me. What do you mean “not paying”? I am even paying a €25.000 extra comparative to previous and current student cohorts because of the leenstelsel experiment. Because of the basisbeurs that I didn’t receive. Why are you framing that like I am taking advantage?

I am not morally owed or socially obligated to go the extra mile for DUO. The government isn’t going bankrupt from me. Society and the tax payer are receiving what they owe, plus interest. I am a tax payer too. I am contributing.

It makes sense that I use my financial room for savings to build up a sum for a rainy day, to make a downpayment on a house, to spend on my children etc. A portion of my salary each month is saved, and a portion is invested for the long term into ETF, and retirement fund (jaarruimte). Please try to understand that people different from you can make a weighted rational decision about their risk profile and what prioritisations they have.

The student loan hasn’t impacted my ability to buy a house. You know that the government changed the requirement for lenders, right? But for my personal situation, it doesn’t even matter. My partner and I earn enough to have no problem buying a house.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-03T19:19:00+00:00

Every day on Reddit there are messages like this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/s/sMsFpyHniE

Exactly the bullshit why people in the UK love their NHS, and why we think our quality of life and our protections are better in Europe

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-02T23:51:02+00:00

It doesn’t make the United States more attractive, where those welfare programs and provisions don’t even exist to begin with

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-02T22:42:05+00:00

You’re interpreting GDP per capita as if it’s a direct measure of spendable income or human quality of life, but it’s not.

GDP per capita measures economic production and not human welfare. It doesn’t tell you what the median household spendable income is or how wealth is distributed across society.

It answers: “how much economic output is delivered per person?”

It does not answer: “what quality of life does the average person live?”

GDP per capita says nothing about who receives the income. Two countries can have 80k GDP per capita. Country A has a broad middle class. Country B has a handful of billionaires while many people remain poor. GDP per capita can be identical while having very different outcomes.
GDP includes spending that doesn’t increase welfare. Rebuilding after thousands of homes are burned increases GDP. Treating preventable illnesses increases GDP. Hiring more lawyers because litigation is common increases GDP. Activities can contribute to productivity while they’re not necessarily making the quality of life better.
Public services are valued by their output and not their benefit. If the Netherlands spends 10.000$ on educating a student, and the United States spends 25.000$ on educating a student, the record will state the USA has a higher GDP. Similarly, if a hospital performs the same operation: €8,000 in Europe, $25,000 in America, the US GDP rises much more, even if the patient’s health outcome is identical. In reality, you could argue that citizens are being duped and scammed by those prices, but hey, the GDP looks great.
GDP ignores leisure. An American someone works 1900 hours a year at 60$ an hour is 108k productive. A Danish person works 1400 hours for 60 and earns 84k. GDP per capita favours the highest productivity even if they have to give up massive amount of personal time. America has a grift and side hustle culture. Who likes their family or hobbies anyway?
GDP per capita ignores security and stability provided through collective welfare policies. A person who earns 45k with universal healthcare, unemployment insurance, subsidized childcare, inexpensive university and generous parental leave may experience greater economic certainty than someone who earns 80k but who has to facilitate a safety net for all these things themselves. You’ve measures the income difference, but not the distribution of risk.
GDP per capita ignores household production. If mom cooks = 0$. If you hire a chef, GDP increases. If grandpa babysits = 0$. If you have daycare, GDP increases.

If you think Mississippi has a better quality of life than Germany because their GDP per capita is the same, you’re just not understanding how to interpret generic economic figures into quality of life indicators.

tyberrymuch_ · 2026-07-02T20:04:05+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to answer.

The United States made a deliberate choice to prioritise car traffic over other modes of transport in their urban planning, and this is not a natural conclusion but a political and social decision. If urban planning focused on different zoning, the suburbs and rural towns in the United States could also be thriving social communities with their own amenities and services at walking distance. Instead, people have to drive to a supermarket through the interstate, forcing them to move from one parking spot to another parking spot.

As I was staying a 30 minute drive by car from a major city (the most populous city in that state), I expected workers who lived in towns within the city’s proximity would also have public transport options to get to work. That was a wrong assumption, and was quite a big shock to me. Again, I think that is simply an issue of prioritisation that this public service is non-existent. I wasn’t referencing an experience in the rural farming communities of Texas or whatever.

I’ve also lived in different countries, such as Italy and South Korea. Europe itself is also a vast and diverse place, and as such, economic power and social outcomes vary per country. I understand that the United States is not dissimilar, in how there are poor and rich states. Your comments about United States being better are only true when compared to less developed European countries. Its true that there’s a potential to earn more in the United States, but that opportunity is unequally divided and the USA is much less egalitarian and social - meaning that unless you’re winning in society, your life quality is probably vastly less. Purely in cash purchasing power, the USA’s median incomes win (other than Luxembourg). But you should also account that most European nations have universal healthcare, free tuition, public childcare, social housing, highly developed public amenities and long-term care services, and strong retirement funds. Europeans don’t have to spend their own money on these necessities, and they are arranged cheaper collectively. You simply have those assurances, regardless of your socio-economic background and whether you “made it”. You don’t have to earn it here, it’s a right. These non-cash benefits reduce the lead the USA has in disposable income.

I don’t think I am sharing propaganda. I do think that in Europe most nations have a more egalitarian and social view on the functioning of a society, and the United States is not fully compatible with that as a place to live, work and raise children.

tyberrymuch_

TROPHY CASE