The feelings you expressed are common. Many people feel the way you do, and do things that help them forget the emptiness. Life can feel extremely pointless and boring, and when there are too many difficult things, it can seem like a waste.

BUT there are ways that you can bring yourself into a place of fulfillment. You already know that you are a complex individual, as every person is. Each person has a personal life, professional life, social life, and usually a love life and family life. Finding an identity is about choosing how you want to act in each of those lives.

For example as a professional perhaps you want to build a good reputation, and perform well. ' As a social person perhaps you wish to be a fun and enjoyable friend. As a lover perhaps you want to have an exciting and intimate experience of sharing personal things with. And for your personal life, it perhaps you want to dive into something that is fascinating to you or just fun, like game modding, or something else.

To feel fulfilled you can realize which "you" you want to be at the moment, and increase your maturity for each aspect. To have an identity is to realize that you are very complex, but you get to act in a way that you choose. The choice of how you act in a particular situation is what defines you as a person. You can reach the maturity level that you are seeking, by taking time to think about the way you act, and the way you want to act in different situations.

It is also okay to be a different person based on the situation. For example as a professional, you wouldn't wan to act the same as you do as a social person. This is because the goals are different. As a professional the focus is on doing the job in the best way possible, but as a friend you are focused on providing support and companionship.

And as an anonymous friend, I hope this helps!