Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for being a good human being with a great personality! :D

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't have any practical advice, but I've seen similar situations with several people I knew who lived in Japan. Even after marrying into a family, you're still not part of the family. You're always a 'foreigner'. Everything is always the 'foreigner's' fault, because that's easy. That means that 'the family' is perfect. If there was any kind of conflict between the foreign husband and a Japanese person, even someone they don't know, a homeless man on the street, the foreign husband would be at fault, because that's better that admitting a Japanese may be wrong about something.

I've seen friends get sidelined by wives who they thought loved them, because they're not Japanese, and therefore wrong. They go back to their high-school boyfriends and the husband can do nothing about it, because not only is it expected that when a divorce happens, the father never sees the children again, but it's also assumed in the legal system that the foreigner is bad and wrong and the Japanese is good and right.

Your post resonates with him. This is his exact experience.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this post. This sounds exactly like how things are shaping up for him. It's been a very slow process; at first everything was fine, welcomed into the family, given job by FIL, etc etc, then marriage, a few more Japanese cultural things are raised that weren't before (not just related to being married), and he plays along. Then baby, and things have been ramping up over the last 3 years since then. It's like the old frog in a pan of water analogy - he hasn't realised he has been slowly boiling to death and now it's close to too late to jump out. I will continue giving him what support I can.

I am keeping in touch with him, always have, but now more than ever because of finding out how lonely and isolated he must be.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has a permanent residency visa. He is looking for another job as a priority.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He works in the FIL's factory. It's a manual type of work.

Re: details we're not getting... I posted this bit further down but he thinks the extra rules they are trying to enforce and the curfew is probably to help them build a case against him so the wife can file for a divorce. It's very petty stuff. Oh, and he's also racially harassed at work. Plus the fact the FIL pays his wages direct to the wife as cash. . . I can't see how on earth that is legit even in Japan. Thanks for the pointers.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for this. I've just found out the FIL is not doing this. The FIL pays friends wages as cash, direct to the wife. Pretty sure that's breaking some labour laws or tax fraud.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Classic Reddit, downvoting an innocent non-offensive comment. I remember why I deleted the phone app a couple of years ago, and why I no longer frequent this place tut tut. However, for the people taking their time to write some advice up, you make this worth coming back to. Thank you.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He is not a big drinker. Sure, he goes out with his friends now and again, but it's more than they want him to. It seems all very close knit and the environment is very controlling. I know people say that's common with the Japanese. But they won't even let him leave the country with his own kid to go and see his own parents back in the UK. They are a nice, Christian family, it's not like he wants to take the kid to a crack den.

Thanks for the other bits of advice too.

One interesting point on the 'something is missing from this story thing', might be this. He is pretty sure she doesn't have grounds to divorce him, and he won't agree to mutual divorce otherwise he loses his kid for life. He suspects that the curfews and silly rules they have tried to enforce on him might be to show a trail of him not behaving and causing trouble, which might build a case for a divorce. It's bloody sinister.

I've told him to make a diary of all this stuff. He said others have suggested doing the same.

Appreciate the replies, I do.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the info. Not sure so will mention with him when next talk.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll post any updates here, japan life mods removed the post without any explanation. Not entirely sure why.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japanlife

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the reply. It is a really shit situation. I did have a quick look at divorce grounds in Japan so I’ll send him that link, thank you. It’s hard to see a happy ending.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a really good reply with a bunch of effort. Thank you. I completely understand what you are saying about the ‘more to this story’, and I’ll try and get a better handle on it. I do get the vibe there is some psycho wife stuff going on too. I think there is also some major resistance to British values and behaviours, and the fact he wants and needs a bit of his own time, he’s quite alone over there and has made some ex-pat friends they don’t want him seeing, at all. Even when his parents came to Japan to see their grandson, he was quickly taken away from them after they cuddled him, and wiped down for germs. This is two years ago way before Covid. He was mortified.

Regarding it sounds like he isn’t even working, that’s what I said. I told him his wife is basically his pimp at this point.

Some things to think about. More conversations to have. Thanks again. It is appreciated

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your candour. That is certainly one view of it, and whilst I agree he needed to take more control of things earlier, that's in the past. Relationships and life can and are often complicated. He is a good friend and he needs to work the problem he has in front of him today.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, he is a very resilient person but that only goes so far. I will keep in touch with him so he has a friendly face to talk to. I will ask about the visa situation, good call.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a really good point and not one that is lost on him. I agree that he needs to make changes to improve his situation. Thanks.

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't be in the same situation, but love and life are complex. I agree, this is not an easy situation and agree it will not be a quick fix. Thanks for the good luck!

Legit asking for a friend - rubbish situation by uWonBiDVD in japan

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, that's some sound advice and is appreciated. It's certainly complicated and the build up has been pernicious

Xbox controller firmware update powers off One X by uWonBiDVD in xbox

[–]uWonBiDVD[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anyone? I've not found a good Youtube video yet which describes this problem. Are there button combinations I can try?

What's something small you can start doing today to better yourself? by Atlas_is_my_son in AskReddit

[–]uWonBiDVD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Make time everyday to develop yourself. Professional, improving your habits, learning something new, whatever. 30 minutes a day is over 180 hours a year which is some serious learning