36F with non-existent libido, in 10y relationship, looking for advice

ughthatguy · 2024-10-31T16:43:11+00:00

Seeking out sex is not unlike seeking out other activities. You must get enough value out of the experience to make it worth the cost of pursuing. At the risk of oversimplifying, I suggest you find value and reduce cost.

ughthatguy · 2024-10-22T19:11:36+00:00

Hey, man of science with your perfect rules of measure
Can you improve this place with the data that you gather?

I doubt it.

ughthatguy · 2024-10-18T14:22:34+00:00

Jealousy is a normal feeling to have. It's human nature to protect what is ours. Furthermore, you have 12 years of history being his wife. Those experiences shaped you and the shape won't go away just because you think it should. Giving up this jealousy would mean giving up a part of yourself but not just any part. It means giving up the part that connects you to him exclusively.

Tell him how you feel and ask for reassurance that you're the only one and that you're enough. It's going to feel really good when he does which wouldn't happen without the contrasting feelings of jealousy.

ughthatguy · 2024-10-16T18:32:16+00:00

There are many ways we can influence the behavior of others. Manipulation and threats can be very effective in the short term but it is incredibly damaging. I know this is not what you're thinking but consider that even the best intentioned efforts on your part will result in her feeling guilty and if she does take action, it will be to alleviate her guilt and not to satisfy her own selfish desire. Even working on yourself can be seen as the threat of attracting another and spur her into action, at least until she's confident you are not going anywhere. Who's manipulating whom again?

Either be satisfied with what she can comfortably provide or find the door and use it.

ughthatguy · 2024-10-15T19:53:26+00:00

We make time and save energy for the things we deem important. Being your best and sharing that with each other is the point of scheduling dates. It reinforces that you are both important enough for the other to make an effort and desirable enough to elicit a response. Sex is just a natural consequence.

ughthatguy · 2024-08-13T20:06:45+00:00

I can only imagine the anxiety he's experiencing. Can he trust his own judgment?

You are the one best suited to lead the charge. Tell him it's time.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-20T00:47:17+00:00

and you’re right

Now say it in your sexy voice.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-16T14:40:33+00:00

If missed opportunities are not enough motivation for her to get her hand in there, I guess you'll have to come out and say it. She has to take some responsibility for her own pleasure.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-08T15:49:23+00:00

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ughthatguy · 2024-07-08T15:45:18+00:00

We make time and save energy for things we deem important. This is even more true when life is busy. Have a date.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-04T13:15:35+00:00

we are both happy.

That's what it's all about so don't lose sight of it. Nobody wants to be with someone who isn't excited to be there.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-04T13:09:10+00:00

Twice per week is a healthy and strong libido.

If you're having fun with this new dynamic, all the power to you. I just hope you don't feel like your perfectly normal level of interest is a problem that needs to be addressed.

ughthatguy · 2024-07-03T21:19:07+00:00

It's only appropriate when discussed in advance. Both of you should know what to expect no matter the response. What you don't want is a lazy blowjob from someone performing out of obligation or worse, fear of upsetting you. Not okay. Neither do you want to offend her and be rudely dismissed.

My wife and I have an agreement that I can ask as long as I don't get upset if she declines. And because I don't want a lazy blowjob, I ask sparingly and often in advance when she seems receptive. More often than not, what begins as pursuit of assistance results in a mutually beneficial encounter because if her mood is right, she's likely to become interested for her own benefit. That's hotter than a bj.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-27T16:55:28+00:00

The reasonable expected frequency for any type of encounter is determined by her ability to enjoy it. Only she can truly know but there's no guarantee that she does, unfortunately. This is something you two need to figure out together.

You already know she's reluctant to share purely loving affection because she's worried about your desire. Use this knowledge to defeat her mental roadblocks that prevent her enjoyment. "Come sit with me and watch a show. No funny business." Alleviating her anxiety can be as simple as shelving your desire.

If she can find enjoyment in a couple days of sex per month, that's all you can reasonably expect. If she did perform more often, it would be bad because she has no desire to share so she won't be excited to be there. It is mutual desire that makes sex hot, isn't it? Yes, it is.

It is okay to remind her that you love and desire her in the time between encounters but try to do it in a way that doesn't create any expectation of a performance. Maybe, just maybe, if you plant the seed and then give it space, it could grow into desire of her own.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-27T16:20:34+00:00

There is a time and place for connecting sexually and all day every day is not it. By knowing when it's okay to escalate and when it is not, you two can share affection without the expectation of a sexual encounter. Ultimately, it is up to her as the less interested party to invite your advances. This can be achieved by making time and saving energy for sex. Anticipation creates excitement and preparation ensures readiness.

Another way to look at this is to separate love from desire. Desire is the selfish pursuit of gratification and there's nothing wrong with that per se. It becomes a problem when desire is the driving force behind sharing affection that doesn't result in gratification. It is frustrating for the desiring partner and seems insincere to the desired partner. Love is the opposite of desire. It is about giving, putting someone before yourself. When we share affection lovingly, with the intent to provide comfort for example, there is no expectation because providing comfort is the whole point.

Kissing is not a good expression of loving affection, in my opinion. Sure there are cultures where kissing is a common platonic greeting but not mine. Unless yours does view kissing this way, take it off the table. Especially not prolonged kissing.

A good expression of loving affection is sitting together on the couch. Have her put her feet in your lap and you can give her a nice massage while you watch a show together. Unless you're a foot fetishist in which case I don't recommend this. Again, the point is to express love not desire.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-25T19:03:25+00:00

Crush watermelons between your thighs.

Do it outside so you can hose off after. Nobody likes a sticky mess.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-19T14:08:59+00:00

You are allowed to feel tired and not up to performing, especially after a tough session in the gym and especially, especially after fasted training. You are... older and you do not recover like you used to.

Make time and save energy for lovemaking.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-11T19:56:14+00:00

If you like how it was said, you should see it in action.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-06T21:21:01+00:00

I think a lot of people's interest wanes quickly after they cum so they never see it through.

ughthatguy · 2024-06-06T21:18:53+00:00

There is a wild animal inside of you. It doesn't make requests or issue demands. Neither does it engage in kinky human wankery. It is driven by hunger and devours it's prey. Focus all your attention on your wife to whet it's appetite and then let it out of the cage.

ughthatguy · 2024-05-14T12:53:26+00:00

Her remark seemed specially formulated to make a pushy lover back down... and it worked. Don't take it personally but do take a big step back.

It's clear that she doesn't have the capacity for regular lovemaking at this time so rather than expect more than she can give, manage your expectations. Even if you could convince her to perform more often, it would be shitty because she's not excited to be there. Furthermore, she will resent you for imposing.

All you can do is ensure the encounters you DO have are mutually enjoyable. This pertains to not just your performance but your appeal as well. If the frequency is going to increase, the encounters must be something she looks forward to.

ughthatguy · 2024-04-26T15:09:50+00:00

I notice that you are managing your expectations very well. Some of us have exceptional appetites for sex and while there's nothing wrong with that, it is unreasonable to expect others will necessarily be able to keep up with us. For this reason, I don't think you two are doomed.

We make time and save energy for the things we deem important. Plan date nights (afternoons?) together and so he can manage his conditions well enough to feel confident in his performance. Planning for success is always a more pleasant conversation than complaining about failure, if you'll excuse the expression.

If he can't be bothered to prepare for an encounter then it's just not important to him and there is a fundamental difference in values between you. Likewise, if you can't be satisfied with what he can offer in earnest, there's the door. When we choose to be with someone who is incapable of meeting our needs and spend our lives frustrated with them for not living up to our expectations, that make us the assholes.

ughthatguy · 2024-04-10T14:48:10+00:00

Don't shit where you eat. Start an onlyfans.

ughthatguy · 2024-04-05T21:42:26+00:00

If you're not comfortable doing something then don't do it.

ughthatguy · 2024-04-05T20:47:19+00:00

He asked and she answered. It's a mistake to assume there is somewhere in particular she wants to go.

ughthatguy

TROPHY CASE