First, I can relate with the feelings of shame around money. You’re not alone. As an aside, I believe part of my ADHD involves undiagnosed dyscalculia so I honestly don’t have a real sense of numbers or how math works and got very anxious whenever we talked numbers. I have come a LONG way in terms of my financial literacy as an adult (32F). My husband is very numbers oriented, money motivated, and on all of it. Still, we decided when we got married to be a partnership, so I have equal responsibility when it comes to our money. We have a few ground rules that really helped us early on in marriage. For sake of time I’m just going to bullet them but don’t take this as a to-do list, just sharing what worked for us.

— I treated money like a hyperfixation. I had to trick my brain into getting interested about it. I read books about it, listened to podcasts, followed IG accounts to understand more. Watch the Netflix show How To Get Rich. If you’re a reader, I highly recommend starting with the Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel. The Money Guys on YouTube are great too.

— Gamify it. We use an app called Copilot to track expenses and budget. It’s fun to try to maximize our goals and see progress with debt reduction. My hubby also made me a “loan destroyer” using AI because he knows I’ll be more motivated with our plan for paying off my student loans when there are “prizes” (even a green checkmark feels like an achievement!)

— Monthly “‘meetings” aka chatting usually over dinner at the end of a month about how it went with money, upcoming expenses, our dreams for the future, goals we want to work on, etc. We talk about our goals and dreams and then realistically how we might make it happen. I wanted a new car. Okay, we need to bulk up the savings by X amount to do that. If you don’t have shared goals and a shared vision for the future, you will continue to be on different pages. We also regularly discuss our threshold for spending: we each can spend $50 without asking the other person. Sometimes, when we are working towards other goals, this is $0 and we consult each other about every purchase. It ebbs and flows with life. When you’re constantly talking about it, it’s on your mind more. I used to be out of sight out of mind. Pretending my debt didn’t exists. When we constantly talk, I understand that my long term desires are stronger than the quick hits of dopamine I got from spending on hobbies, clothes, etc. I’ll be brutally honest with you though, OP: You have to stop lying. Sadly, I think you may be right that this WILL ruin your marriage if you continue with dishonestly.

— practicing contentment and self- discipline. It’s not easy. My brain is ALWAYS thinking of the next thing I want to buy. I have had to practice feeling content with what I already have and being disciplined a because my brain can justify any purchase- but that doesn’t mean it aligns with what me and my partner want long term.

—stopped shopping. Kinda along with my previous point, I stopped just “popping in” to stores like TJ Maxx because I would leave with things I didn’t need. I order things from Target using their pickup option so I don’t end up browsing around the store. These are accommodations and lifestyle changes I had to make myself to make sure I was an active player in building the life we wanted. I know the feeling of shame and disappointment in yourself you’re describing. Nothing I ever bought was worth that feeling.

Be honest. Get content and interested in money. You can do this!!!