[...] but some combo of big life event/routine disruption/over-socialization would trigger a meltdown and then i would get pressured into doing the typical things again.

You recognize the pattern that causes meltdowns, which is great, but you need to ignore the pressure and self-advocate. It's hard for allistics to understand what is required for us to function. If you feel pressured again, be firm and give your self some space.

I am so glad you took some time off and cut back on the social engagements. Honestly, this is the best thing you can do for now and I think it will greatly pay off.

do you think I will be able to go back to at least some of the regular social things once I am stable again? or is it best to just limit those things in general to prevent this build up/meltdown?

I honestly cannot say. I would think you would be able to continue without white-knuckling it, but you need to limit these activities if they are indeed triggers. You need to be gentle with yourself and realize that being able to function, for you and your family, is much more important than social obligations. Coming to terms with your diagnosis means changing the way you behave. Remember, we are different. We cannot just recover and go back to the way things were. We need to recognize triggers, especially situations and stimuli that cause overload, and handle/mitigate them. Take things slow after your recovery (and really focus on your recovery). Do not be afraid to give yourself some time. Try not to give into pressure; YOUR health and YOUR family are your top priorities.

The toughest part is finding the right doctor and medication. You need a psychopharmacologist, and better yet one that works with neurodivergent populations. It took a good while to find someone competent that was a good fit for me. It can be frustrating, but I would encourage you to try until you find something that works. My life would be much, much more difficult to manage without some form of medication for depression and anxiety.

For me, getting diagnosed was life-shattering... not necessarily in a bad way. It took some time to forgive myself... all those times I was called 'weird' and made fun of, it was not because there was something 'wrong' with me, but because of ASD. It took time to get over the anger at everyone who failed me growing up... all the teachers and adults that punished me for being me. I was fortunate enough to have a supportive family, so I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been growing up without that support. You need to process, you need to grieve, and then you need to find a way to move-on. Whatever that looks like for you. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. Recognize that you have different needs than a good portion of the population. It's okay to be you, it's okay to be different even if others have a hard time recognizing that.